How To Date A White Bitch (Advice For The Non-White Dude)
In her Huffington Post primer "How to Date an Indian (Advice for a Non-Indian)," Andrea Miller, the CEO of trusted relationship advice website YourTango, lays out a multitude of reasons as to why Indian folks-"innately gracious, social creatures"-make perfect spouses. Miller, you see, is married to a perfect hunk of brown male straight out of New Dehli, which thus gives her "pretty good perspective on the desirability of the people from the world's largest democracy-and how to woo them."
As an Indian person myself-one who has had the misfortune of stepping foot on the wretched land mass known as the Subcontinent on more than one occasion-I couldn't help but chuckle. Has Miller ever interacted with an Indian before? We are fucking terrible. Our females tend to have mustaches. Many males, sadly, are endowed with comically small penises. (Hopefully Sanjay, Miller's husband, is the exception!) Both genders tend to sweat profusely, and emit a most unpleasant odor. It was almost as if Miller hadn't met more than, oh, a few dozen of the more than 1 billion Indians on this planet before writing her article!
No, as every Indian knows, we're hardly the cream of the dating crop. I'll tell you who is, though: White bitches.
I know what you're thinking: White bitches-so rare. So exotic! Where/how can you snag one yourself, for experimental love-making purposes? Luckily, I have more than a decade of experience interacting with these pasty unicorns, and am somewhat of an expert on the subject. Allow me, for a moment, to expound on the peculiar wants and desires of white bitches-and in turn enlighten you, fellow brown man, on how you can capture one of your own.
WHITE BITCHES LOVE BOOZE
This is very important. After a couple of white wine spritzers, you basically have to taze white bitches to keep 'em from jumping you in public. In fact, I don't think I've ever NOT sexed a sexy white bitch after plying her with alcohol. As you're getting hammered, remember to regale her with stories about how back in India you drink "fermented coconut juice served by tiny monkey waiters riding elephants," too. White bitches love that shit. (Note: Some white bitches only drink vodka sodas because they're worried about "getting fat," even though they'll get drunk and proceed to wolf down like three slices of pepperoni pizza as if they're storing up for hibernation. White bitches are often dumb.)
WHITE BITCHES LOVE IT WHEN YOU TAKE THEM PLACES
Pack a picnic basket with some grapes and crackers (LOL) and Brie and go to Central Park or the Cloisters or some shit. White bitches love eating stupid foods like Brie in stupid places like Central Park. Do you know how many vanilla wafers I've banged at the Cloisters? A lot. Obviously it sucks up there but it's totally worth it. "He's so great!" she'll tell her stupid white friends at some stupid brunch. "He took me to the CLOISTERS and told me about the delicious rotis his tiny Indian grandmother used to make with her tiny hands." The other white bitches will be impressed, which means you can probably sleep with them too, because most white bitches secretly hate their friends and enjoy spiting them.
WHITE BITCHES LOVE IT WHEN YOU BUY THEM SHIT
White bitches are superficial as shit. Buy them flowers or chocolates or designer handbags and you will totally get laid. White bitches are basically contractually obligated to give you a handjob if you spend more than $50 on a present, so make sure you "accidentally" leave the price tag on so they know just how much money you spent. When she sees the tag, sigh and sound embarrassed because "$50 could provide six months worth of food and malaria medicine for the village where my cousins Mukesh and Vijay live." Add that you wish you could call them but they don't have electricity there, which breaks your heart, but you still pray to multiple deities every day for their well-being. If you actually spent less than $50, just switch the price tag. At this point, most white bitches will be so ready to bone you they won't even notice your trickery.
WHITE BITCHES LOVE IT WHEN YOU TELL THEM YOU LOVE THEM
Oh, God, telling a white bitch you love her is basically cheating. There isn't anything on the planet white bitches want more than to get married before they turn 30, at which point they basically morph into hideous spinsters. If you tell a white bitch you love her, she will do anything you say, forever, the end. If she's over 30, you don't even need to tell her you love her. Just send her the occasional SMS message and maybe take her out in public a few times and she is YOURS.
There you have it, brown dudes. Go forth and conquer!
As for all you white ladies out there: Mai tumse pyar karta hoo. I'm single. Call me.
Neel Shah actually smells pretty great.
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Oh my God I'm having a HORRIBLE identity crisis right now THANK YOU NEEL SHAH YOU STINKY PRICK.
Also you lie: No one's Indian grandmother is tiny. Not a one. FAT ROLLS POKING OUT OF BLOUSE PIECES AAAAAAHHHH CHILDHOOD TRAUMA.
(Ima just hang out here and yell, yeah.)
You know how every once in a while you come across paneer naan in a restaurant? My next recipe will be for brie naan. JUST YOU PEOPLE WAIT AND SEE.
Don't worry, Jolie. He's obviously not talking about you because there was no mention of putting cubes in the wine spritzers.
He's probably referring to Catholics.
Spritzers are made with ice
(Also psst… the joke here is that I am a half an Indian person and obviously a full on White Bitch.)
Brie naan incredibly manages to sound both delicious and disgusting at the same time.
OMG BRIE NAAN. NEED IT IN ME.
Brie naan also sounds like a Star Trek alien.
Actually, "Bree Naan" would be a pretty good name for a half-Indian White Bitch.
@cherri: WHITE BITCHES LOVE BRIE NAAN. Just give her some brie naan and she will need it in her.
Bree Naan all the white bitches!
@delrayser: WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I NEEDED A PEN NAME?????
Don't you mean stinky (undersized) prick?
@Jolie: At least both halves can agree on madras?
@Jolie, at top of thread. Agh, sorry about that. Exhibit A on the dangers of posting while severely sleep-deprived.
I wonder how many pissed off facebook comments this will generate.
I'm betting at least 10.
Anybody want to take some of this action? Anybody?
Sure, you say you smell great. But… how would you know?
That was not meant to go there. Durp.
CHL: I smell of slivovitz and Brut, just like Balk.
"Others around us just seemed very lost"
STC: that part was a great.
I have to admit, the arrival of the fb crowd has made me less insecure about my commenter # being in the two-thousands. I think I'm officially middle class now.
Pope: You're double digits to me. Don't let em tell ya no different.
I would have gladly accepted triple digit status, so thank you! Oh no, my mascara is running, how embarrassing.
No, trust me, he smells fantastic.
Vodka soda is for weak white bitches. Vodka water, no lime no lemon. That's the shit.
Stoli, rocks.
Sometimes I wonder if I am your Slavic doppelganger living in Chicago.
The two of you: eat a sandwich.
Hold up, STC! Slavic? Color me intrigued!
(p.s. If you really respect our Brethren, you're drinking Russian Standard, not Stoli. And also? Fuck the rocks.)
@Unc: I don't eat pizza in the shower. Or wait do I? Wait, what the HELL was Jamie Foxx talking about?
Update! Albanian, eh? My gift to you.
Mantooth, if there is one thing you don't want to get me started on it's the Albanians.
STC: Well, one thing among several anyway.
Damnit kneetoe!
@DM: Aren't you Ukie? Russki Standart! ZOINKS! Are you for reals??
Last year in Tbilisi, an english speaking clerk at a supermarket gently removed the Russki Standart from my cart and said, "Look at this Nemiroff, it's on sale. Do you REALLY want that other stuff?"
Of course I didn't.
@CB: Remember when I left, dearest! I practice what my contemporarily-arrived kinfolk preach. (I'll sheepishly admit that there's actually something else that some folks tout, but I've never seen it anywhere, so I conveniently forget about its existence.)
@STC: Touche, I've misunderstood! You'll get no chrome gifts from me, then.
(Also, the site's back! HOORAY!)
(And I'm apparently not allowed to comment. Boooooo.)
(Whew! Thought the universe was trying to tell me to actually get some work done on a Friday afternoon.)
I love you, Dorothy Mantooth.
And I you, cool-io.
@STC: Albanian lover.
The HuffPo article was appalling in its gross generalizations and simpleminded "tips." This, however, is pretty damned accurate. Brie and grapes at the Cloisters, mmm-hmmm.
It's true – there's something pretty spot on here with the Brie and grapes and parks. Sum > parts. Maybe in this particular scenario, add some chutney? I"m pretty sure I just figured out what I'm doing tomorrow afternoon.
I read that as "Brie and rape at the Cloisters" which, yes.
Brie and grapes at the Cloisters also works on Gay dudes.
If we do make this a series, Goons should do "How to Switch Teams (Advice for the Non-Gay Dude)."
@the good Dr: Wholeheartedly SECONDED!
oo, Neel! call me!
I'm white. I can be a bitch. Call me, Neel!
"pasty unicorns"! I lol'd hard
"Vanilla wafers I've banged at the Cloisters" did it for me.
I enjoyed both of those immensely.
(Is what she said.)
Flour Tortilla, mi amor.
this is just so despicable on so many levels.
Ha! You don't count Ron. You're in on the joke.
Well played.
I literally am THAT WHITE BITCH. Call me bro.
Brohti
@Mindpowered: OMG. You win so hard.
AHH WIN.
Ok, I'm going to push it here but
"Chiacing your Brohti"
PAGING RUSSEL PETERS!
@Mindpowered:
I Lassi'd a Brohti and it did nothing to cover up his sweaty, swarthy BO.
But Neel – we are excellent drinkers of Scotch.
Whitney Port is all about Brie.
Okay, so, I have dated two Indian guys in my life and they both apparently followed the directions in the last paragraph, because they both seemed to think two or three dates was enough to decide I was the love of their lives, and we were probably going to get married. I may be a white bitch, but it sent me running in the other direction.
(The hideous spinster part is true, though. Call me, Neel!)
Unrelated but: OMG YOUR AVATAR IS FROM "SCIENCE MADE STUPID" HOW COOL IS THAT?
YES! Work of genius, that book. And you are the first person who has ever recognized it! You win…something, I don't know.
I love all the names in the fake bibliography in the back, like "Col. Tubalcain Billy Snowbird, U.S.A.F. (ret.)" and "Treemonisha Pancake".
I think this is a gross misunderstanding of white women. At my book club last Saturday, I was complaining about no guy has yet asked me to a picnic on Govenors Island. I never said anything about the Cloisters.
Top 5 Bat-shit Craziest Men, Date at Your Own Peril, Girls
1) Sephardic Jews
2) Northern Indians, born there
3) Portenos
4) Northern Indians, born here
5) Southern Indians, born here
Next are the Italians, any brand, then Irishmen, born there.
(NOT Albanians, STC!)
God damn Albanians are too busy chasing owls to notice White bitzes.
cough*Greeks*cough
You are barely scratching the surface here on so many levels.
Russians.
I demand full "Listicle Without Commentary" treatment for this thread.
Turks FTW
West Coast half-Jews. So confused!
@HG: While I somewhat self-identify as such, I wholeheartedly agree!
@all: What a cloisterfuck.
@Dorothy: I ran into a Russian at a gay bar who was there because he was dating a lesbian, and he asked me to 'explain Gay' to him.
THAT was a conversation worth transcribing.
And yet he was "dating a lesbian"?! Does not compute.
Also, plz to transcribe said conversation in your new column!
What about half-Baltic, half-Nuyorican?
Just, um, curious…
Yeah, I kept asking but I still couldn't figure it out.
And who are YOU you crazy racist cunt? Where do you get off making big generalizations about so many different ethnicities you pompous fool? You are no better than that Andrea Miller. You are just another whore who slept with lots of different men. You are not special. But you think all of your sleeping around has made you an anthropologist. Newsflash dumbfuck. You are just another arrogant bigot. Now STFU and spread your legs you whore. It's the only thing that you seem to do well.
That was for you "bookishlookish"
Whoa, awesome.
Hey Shons, if I told you that you had a brachycephalic head, would you hold it against me?
@shon: seconded. All those whores need to stop being so racist.
STOP RACISM NOW WHORES!
Shons must be Sephardic, making my case–they are fucknutz crazeee!
You're right about one thing, honey. You really had better ask who I am because you really DO NOT KNOW who I am. Get born, newbie, and then you can cast your aspersions with integrity. Otherwise, fuck off to some other site where your potty mouth might be better appreciated. Look around you, little one, it's wit that is valued here, not an innate inability to punctuate and a dislike of women who are friendly to men of all styles. Where I'm from–it's called New York City–being sweet to your fellow man is a good quality, not one that causes you to be called a "whore." Oh, right, you're not from around here. Tant pis.
@STC: That is not what you were saying the other night when you slipped me a couple of Ben Franklins and asked me to.. Oh, but shhh…. I almost forgot the Code of the Whore.
That is a nice combo, and finally I am getting a better handle on you, CR.
I think I need a towel.
Oh no you diddun! OH NO, YOU DIDDUN! Cuz BL will cut a bitch. Not to mention her posse!
Oh, Booksie, you know perfectly well STC hasn't got that kind of money. Did you look at it up close and in good light? Are you sure it wasn't Monopoly money? That's what he tried to slip me.
Wow. That whole little Shons outburst was like Tourettes in written form. Stop being racist FUCK, CUNT, PISS! it's not cool.
And Bookie – my dad is Irish, born there. My mom would so agree with you.
Well, the 5000 Series were always a little twitchy.
You typed that with your legs spread, didn't you? Hoar.
I think Shons just wants his own taaaaaaaag…
Please make this a series (holla at Cho!)
Hhahah, what would the series be?
The comically small penises of Asia?
Azn Bitches.
Orientals Be Fuckin' Like This?
Horizontal Vaginas I Have Known?
This is the most terrifying thing I have seen in ages. I'm just quailing. Actually feel a little sorry for the HuffPo chick, even.
p.s. It's utterly amazingly great, also.
Dammit, just missed the top 5.
This is supposed to be @BookishLookish above.
Irish, are you?
Italian. Fortunately, not the Jersey Shore kind.
Non-natives/non-connoseuses of the indigenous Italian population of the tri-state area do not always recognize the various gradations, which is their loss. But yes, you Madonna/whoring descendants of the Italics and Etruscans have contributed to the almost-ruination of many a poor girl, and that's all that matters.
*sigh* Hear, hear.
White Bitch, Please.
Wh'itch, plz.
Real talk, Neel.
Also, why have I never heard of/used vanilla wafers in this context? Thanks for that.
God, what happens if you get one of these ladies drunk at a picnic at the cloisters where you tell her you love her and give her a present?
She bangs your whole family.
Immaculate Conception.
HG: But that's lose lose!
As an Indian dude, I have to second all of this advice, especially the part about the Cloisters.
Also, I smell like Old Spice.
This was way funnier than my suggested follow-up to the HuffPo piece, "How to Catch an Indian In a Net."
No, not as funny. Because now I'm laughing to my neighbors across the street, like a maniac.
This post reeks of swarth.
You reek of cigar smoke and a Vietnamese basement cock fight.
With comically small cocks.
That reminds me, I have to get my bets in.
He's revealing all our brown people secrets!
Since I'm only a half-white bitch, I can't decide how much of this should apply to me.
We should discuss this problem over a couple of wine spritzers.
%white * %bitch or %white + %bitch? Could make a big difference.
Great. Just great. What am I gonna do with all this brie and all these grapes now?
Pretty much from the moment I saw people linking to that Huffington Post article, I think I knew deep in my heart that I was eagerly awaiting the Awl response.
It does not disappoint.
"Oh, God, telling a white bitch you love her is basically cheating."
A powerful truth, according to Jeffrey Eugenides' short story in the New Yorker this week.
how to date any bitch, regardless of race:
1)treat ladies like whores.
2)treat whores like ladies.
Ha, that recalls David Silver's observation to Donna Martin that "Smart girls want to be told that they're pretty, and pretty girls want to be told that they're smart." Donna asked him, "Which am I?" and he was forced to tell her that she was both pretty and smart, because she was neither–just rich.
God bless you for that.
@robo: treat your hallway to a hotdog.
wow. you are a real winner. small prick and all.
One down. Nine to go.
LAST!
At merely 105? Not a chance!
If you give a white bitch Brie AND tell her she's skinny, you may get anal.
If you give a Bitch a Brie, she'll probably ask you for a glass of Buffalo milk.
Or a cookie?
This piece has made my entire weekend.
And I adore you cologne, Mr. Rabanne.
^^ "your"; liquid lunch.
…and if you write her name in Hindi and Tamil on a napkin, she will keep it for ever (sob.)
Ha! That's, like, crazy! ::Eyes dart to the 2-yr old post-it of my name written in Arabic proudly displayed in my cube:: Who would do such a thing!
"Arabic," Cherri? We all know you meant to say "Elvish."
Ha! I haven't dated anyone who could write in Elvish in like 10 years!
Talk about cracking the code.
On that last point though, this boozy, 30-year old white bitch will only turn it out for the occasional message and hang out for a fine piece of 23-year old, cracker ass.
Oh, and brie gives me, and every other white person, gas. Hold the cheese, bro.
I have some hair dye, bronzer and a splash of tea tree oil. I'll just have to work with my enormous Irish penis.
Enormous Irish penis? Do those exist?
Also: learn to play cribbage and/or bridge.
How To Date An Old White Bitch?
My current boyfriend went to bridge camp as a kid. I wish I were making this up.
But, but, Seinfeld said "it's not racist if you like them"!
The South Asian Progressive Action Collective in Chicago has also posted a response to this piece that you all might enjoy reading: http://www.sapac.org/blog/2010/06/04/reasons-why-andrea-millers-next-husband-will-not-be-indian/
Are you saying Bhangra is not good background music for housecleaning?
Ramona, in other words…
http://tinyurl.com/2b47k66
I'm South Asian, and the people at that South Asian Progressive Action Collective in Chicago appear to have bright futures in writing copy for appliance manuals and government forms. *Yawn*
I must agree with you, Paco. Damn, they could not even make a good acronym. SAPAC? They could have been SABKO: South Asian Butt Kickers Organization.
I keep reading the headline as "How To Date A White Birch," like, "take a fucking axe, cut it down, and count the goddamn rings."
That made me laugh really hard
Hey Neel: Stay Brown!
This is my favorite read on the internet today. Hysterical! And I so needed to laugh. Bravo!
Why do you guys want bitches, there are plenty of good women around! aim higher
(last)
lastiest
Oh please don't start this shit again. PLEASE don't start this shit again. I am too tired this weekend…
FINE! FUCK IT!
LASTER BLASTER
now that you make that joke i'd love it if the comment section on your "less stupid" feature functioned as some kind of commenter thunderdome
Oh its on, Miles. It's on.
I like when you get Miles involved in these. It means he's probably distracted from trying to murder me in my sleep.
The answer is obviously never sleeping.
By which I mean: LAST!
Go to bed, Mantooth!
Alright. Wake me when we get to 400zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…
Neel, if you tell me that you love me, I will totally give you anal.
You made me feel like a queer white bitch you !@#$%^.
Mai tumse pyar karta hoo
I don't know what this means, but now I've got the river Ganges in my panties, and an urgent desire to lick the dahl dribble from Neel's neck beard.
Waking up to a post like this is 1000x better than Christmas
lastish.
Lassti.
Miss Jackson if you're lasty.
I like the white folks thinking they'll be last when we have the power of extraordinary Indian tardiness to help us. Shit,it's still early for Team Brown.
Hooray, 'I.S.T.'
it's called c.p.t. at tuskegee
You mean "Caribbean Time" isn't just limited to the Caribbean?
fin.
trading in simplistic racial stereotypes for misogynistic "satire" is sure one hell of a way to put intersectionality in perspective and subvert the dominant paradigm!
I can tell by your big words that you are smart.
quite an astute observation.
I missed this entire thread because I had to get married to a white bitch this weekend.
I guess the joke's on my 50% Brown ass!
Mazel tov!
AWESOME ART! Congrats. Was your first dance song "End of Innocence" by Don Henley?
gracias! There may or may not have been some Stone Roses I Wanna be Adored. Also, there were sandwiches!
SANDWICHES!
Were the crusts cut off, a la Jolie?
Right, like I'm going to date a besharam whose name means "blue".
I love this and want to share it. But the title isn't safe for facebook. I mean, my mother is on there. so, what to do? tinyurl? meh.
just for the record, I read this.
Duly noted.
A classmate of mine used to say this and it worked often: "Do you have a little Indian in you? Would you like a little Indian in you?"
I'm in love with you now Neel Shah! Do you have a paypal account where I can wire your cousins Mukesh and Vijay some money for their village! Call me!
last.
Wow, I think you actually pulled it off this time!
But… what works on us brown ladies?
And don't say Veet.
A word of advice: white bitches recognize when you're trying to pull some lame Neil Strauss Game game.
I don't get all the hateful comments? Does no one pick up on the satire? It's in response to the *non* satirical Huffington Post write-up "How to Date an Indian."
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andrea-miller/dating-advice-how-to-date_b_596496.html
Mai tumse pyar karta hoon, beloved and hot Neel Shah.
Also, thanks for teaching me a little Hindi, so I can impress you on our second date.
English Woman Speaks Frankly About Difficulties of Having Mixed-Race Baby with Man from India
Lowri Turner
Daily Mail, UK, 13 July 2007
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-467787/I-love-mixed-race-baby–does-feel-alien.html
guys, white, brown or rainbow, neel is passable funny..but his advice is so lame…no woman regardless of hue and culture that is worth having is going to fall for the wussy tactics suggested by him…unless they're looking for a lame duck willing to exchange gifts for approval…don't do it, it's a deadend street!
way to go sand nigger/nigger
Hahahahahahahaha this was an amazing post and hilariously true, especially of any white chick living in Manhattan (being both a white girl and born-n-raised Brooklynite, I'm allowed to say that).
Funniest shit I've ever heard!!!!!!!!! so then, what about black bitches: what can you tell them about us