Wednesday, May 12th, 2010

Stop Threatening To Kill People Over The Internet!

DOING IT WRONGSleep. Go on, sleep. Rest easy. I want your muscles relaxed so I can peel them cleanly off your bones. Then I'm gonna cut your bicuspids out and carve the Greek alphabet into the softest part of your belly. Afterward I'll sit you on my deli meat slicer and make myself an ass and Swiss cheese club sandwich. Or maybe I'll do that first-I get excited in the moment and who knows what sick inspiration will strike me like a ball-peen hammer strikes a fingertip that's been tied off and isn't getting any circulation? Point is, I'm pretty sure I have enough syringes of adrenaline to keep you from passing out while I burn a hole in your foot with an acetylene torch. Sweet dreams.

Are you scared yet? Uh, of course not. I'm just a darkly imaginative dude with an Internet connection.

It's not like I came by your house and hurled condoms full of horse blood at your door. Hell, I don't even know where you live! I never bothered to find out, because look I am really busy threatening people with grisly death over the Internet. Have you tried this? Because, man, is it easy, and, man, does nobody call the cops on you. Just ask New Jersey's Bergen County Teachers Union. The president of the organization of child educators (among others that said the same thing of Obama) recently sent an e-mail to their 17,000 members that complained bitterly of Governor Chris Christie's school budget cuts and went on to pray for his swift demise:

"Dear lord, this year you have taken away my favorite actor, Patrick Swayze, my favorite actress, Farrah Fawcett, my favorite singer, Michael Jackson, and my favorite salesman, Billy Mays. I just wanted to let you know that Chris Christie is my favorite governor."

Christie called this kind of talk "beyond the pale," and I have to agree. OWN YOUR BLOODLUST, TEACHERS. Don't just hope that your enemies are stricken down by an anal cocaine cancer overdose. Put your nonexistent money where your reeking coffeehole is. You're gonna mark Christie for death and not mention how you plan to siphon off all his blubber and start an Inuit restaurant? You're not gonna address how he'll wind up in a Looney Tunes perdition where he'll be force-fed Dunkin' Donuts by an ensemble of naked Jon Corzines until he starts crapping White Castle sliders? For shame, Jersey.

The worst part? THEY APOLOGIZED. I guess they were afraid that when God did shake off his hangover and get around to killing this penny-pincher with an overdue heart attack, the digital trail would lead right back to them. Which reminds me-and New York Post commenters should take note-death threats are supposed to be NON-TRACEABLE. You know how, in movies, the kidnappers/terrorists/homicidal maniacs always write a disturbing letter using letters cut out from newspapers and Playboy? It's not because of an abiding appreciation for pop art collage, though I'll be damned if Warhol couldn't teach you a thing or five about freaking out the establishment.

Or how about, instead of this pansy cyberbullying, you pick up the fucking phone for once. DO NOT TEXT, YOU NUTLESS SLOTH. Do you think the Unabomber texted? Texting is for shameful booty calls and the people who rig "American Idol." No one can hear you breathing moistly over a text. Put some effort into it.

When I was a junior in high school, we got phoned-in bomb threats so terrifying that our principal bypassed the fire alarm and got on the P.A. to directly scream at us that we would all perish in a flaming hailstorm of outdated textbooks if we did not EVACUATE, LIKE, RIGHT NOW. Students trampled each other to get out. And you know what? Whoever was calling in these threats kept doing it-for an ENTIRE YEAR-without getting caught. We had a "Bomb Threats" section in the yearbook, that's how much we admired this psycho. (Yes, this was New Jersey as well.) Whoever it was even began to call at the exact same time (ten minutes into 6th period) every day, which was both professional and unsettling. You don't let up after one threat, people; you keep a steady torrent coming, and capitalize on accumulated dread. And Tea Partiers, don't think you're off the hook just because you chucked a single brick through a congressperson's window-if that shit didn't have a human ear tied to it, it doesn't count.

If you can't even be bothered to stalk your targets in the real world, or mail them Polaroids of your self-inked and still-bleeding tattoo of their crossed-out name (spelled correctly, asshole), or sneak into their homes disguised as a meter reader so that you can plant crushed rodents in their medicine cabinets, then just forget it. We'd all rather be harassed by someone who cares enough to take it up a notch from email.

This does not constitute legal advice and Miles Klee is not an attorney, nor is he your attorney.

65 Comments / Post A Comment

HiredGoons (#603)

My friends and I used to get stoned and kidnap mascots and various statuary from restaurants around our town and send the owners Polaroids of them in various evocative situations.

We made the papers more than once.

I agree, the internet makes it too easy.

Mindpowered (#948)

The day it died for me, was the day a guy who had called me a bag of shit and promised to vivisect me if he ever saw me offline, averted his eyes and mumbled something about "online".

saythatscool (#101)

Is this because I keep threatening to take your Kurgan head on the "Who Are You Awl?" post?

I hope so. You raped and killed my Heather. Vengeance shall be mine.

Miles Klee (#3,657)

Ah, I see. Ramirez lied. She was not his woman. She was YOUR woman. And she never told you. I wonder why. Perhaps I gave her something you never could, and secretly she yearned for my return.

saythatscool (#101)

You can't stay in here forever.

gumplr (#66)

Pork chop sandwiches, your principal was a GI Joe too?!

myfanwy (#1,124)

(Awl commenters huddled in corner, gazing at Miles in mute horror)

HiredGoons (#603)

that opening paragraph was pretty righteous.

saythatscool (#101)


jolie (#16)

No it's cool dude, you can totally be LAST. Seriously, it's yours, man. *backs away from Miles*

C_Webb (#855)

Miles took Jupiter's belt and whipped Uranus with it.

Bittersweet (#765)

Threatening phone calls were more fun before caller ID.

Miles Klee (#3,657)

use those payphones while they still exist

deepomega (#1,720)

DO NOT TEXT, YOU NUTLESS SLOTH should show up on my phone's text messaging screen. Servicey!

Yawn (#4,506)

Yes, I am totally calling everyone a NUTLESS SLOTH from now on.

Tuna Surprise (#573)

Back when I was younger, if you really wanted to threaten someone, you'd kill their family pet and leave the carcass on the front door step. Whoo-boy, that sure would scare the bejesus out of people.

doubled277 (#2,783)

Good times

HiredGoons (#603)

Sneaking into people's homes and rearranging their furniture has become a lost art.

jolie (#16)

We should totally sneak into Awl HQ and rearrange the trash on the table.

HiredGoons (#603)

I get to hide the toaster.

Replace the change in the bowl with Susan B. Anthony dollars…

kneetoe (#1,881)

Dump out the ashtrays (into the trash bins, of course); maybe sweep and vacuum, throw open a window.

jolie (#16)

@kneetoe: The best day of my life will be when Choire relents and lets me into Awl HQ with my bucket & mop.

HiredGoons (#603)


doubled277 (#2,783)

There's a facebook group that is the same "praying for death" thing for Obama. I saw a friend join it recently and was disgusted. I haven't decided whether to defriend her or not yet, mostly because I'm waiting for Prudie to get back to me.

Olivia2.0 (#1,716)

Once I had to make a collect call (PRE-CELL PHONES! I EXISTED THEN!!!) and reached my younger sister home alone. I was blitzed, and when I was prompted to say my name, I said "Satan". (For the record, Satan is NOT my name.) She refused to answer the phone for 2 years, and I peed my pants laughing. Now that's good, old fashioned, analog fun.

You've inspired me to write a Christian YA self-help book: When Satan Calls Collect; Don't Accept the Charges.

Olivia2.0 (#1,716)

Clearly, she did not accept the charges. And wouldn't answer the phone no matter how many times I called back. (It was a lot.) Oh, the good times.

ow that hurt (#3,919)

For 17 years, my boyfriend answered the phone with: "Satan–
Hell Speaking–"

People really get disturbed by that?

Glad we lived on the Coast

…not, "Hell. Satan speaking"?

smapdi (#1,306)

I did this with my one phone call you got at the detox facility.

Olivia2.0 (#1,716)

She was like, I dunno. 12 or something. I may have also made her watch Rosemary's Baby and A Clockwork Orange quite recently. It was understandable. Although we have discussed why she thought Satan would be calling collect. If ANYONE has a long distance plan, it's totally Satan.

Matt (#26)

What is this, Eminem day?

How To Cook A Fucking Pancreas.

Mindpowered (#948)

With Pistachio's. Very healthy, it would appear.

BadUncle (#153)

Today is the day I became terrified of meat slicers.

oudemia (#177)

Before I was born, my mother bought a meat slicer at an estate sale. Decades later, I was to see the same (make and model) meat slicer on display at the Metropolitan Museum of Art. It is now part of their permanent collection. That was the day I became terrified of meat slicers.

riotnrrd (#840)

Some kids did the 'bomb threat = a day off school' math in highschool and pulled that stunt precisely once. Not because the principal figured out who they were or the SWAT team took them down, but because the next day it was announced that because of the lost day of school, we now had a make-up day tacked on to the end of the school year. Zero-sum games strike more terror into the teenage heart than tasers.

Dave Bry (#422)

My friend did it a number of times, usually when he had a test he hadn't studied for, and was never caught. Called from the pay phone in the commons. Gave everyone a nice mid-day break out in the parking lot on a sunny day. We loved him for it.

C_Webb (#855)

"The calls are coming from inside The Awl!"

I pride myself on my ability to convey my moist breathing in my texts.

brad (#1,678)

yeah? YEAH?


Miles Klee (#3,657)

chuck palahniuk?

Ohmygoodness, do not remind of that scene!!

HiredGoons (#603)

Oh Patrick…

WellThen (#1,251)

Took me a few minutes staring at this to remember what that line was from. (And it was my favorite line in that whole movie. How could I forget?)

brad (#1,678)

palahniuk? did he write something about winding up a colon? i was actually thinking of the william borroughs blurb where a guy develops the ability to prolapse at will and sends it out in search of weiner. that borroughs! always with the weiners! and the colons! i've never read any palaninuit. am i missing out? and WellThen, yes, it is a fantastic line. but the 'john wayne was a fag' line is pretty good too.

Miles Klee (#3,657)

hahaha no please promise me you will never read palahniuk

Miles Klee (#3,657)

also my burroughs experience is limited to reading naked lunch and desperately hoping that no one sitting next to me on the subway would catch so much as a glimpse of text

brad (#1,678)

yes. my first introduction to erotic hangings!

hockeymom (#143)

But what am I supposed to do at 10:23pm now?
10:23pm is my "threatening to kill people over the internet" time.

Baroness (#273)

New York Post commenters should take note

NY Post commenters are so strenuously vile, you forget that it's a major metropolitan paper and not some sick outpost of the Ethernets. Bwahaha those Chinese kids deserved to die by meat-cleaver sort of shit. I mean, they must be aware of it, right? Or is it all Steve Dunleavy typing drunk?

Annie K. (#3,563)

Lemon square for everyone if they make this stop? Bourbon balls? Bourbon-soaked chocolate truffles? This isn't fun any more.

laurel (#4,035)

Bourbon balls sound like they'd sting.

Blackcapricorn (#4,791)

I think the new Cakes And Babies Blog will be a website devoted to pictures of lemon squares.

phlox (#204)

@spiralbetty: Bourbon Balls only sting if you've nicked yourself shaving.
Otherwise, DEE-licious.

Flashman (#418)

Miles Klee Kills Meee

This. Is a fantastic band name.

Flashman (#418)

Me See Miles Klee Kill might have worked too.

ow that hurt (#3,919)

So, how long did the New Niceness last, exactly?

myfanwy (#1,124)

I thought we were being punished for our orgy of self-congratulation on the Awl Commenters post.

HiredGoons (#603)

this orgy you speak of…

vespavirgin (#1,422)

I left some red food coloring marks on a neighbor's door because she'd send her kids into the hallway to play basketball. It started a war between her and the other neighbor who she was sure did it.

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