At some point within the next day or two one of you will take issue with/register your praise of/make a completely unrelated point to a post on this website and hit "submit comment." Assuming it is not spam and is immediately approved, it will be the Awl's 100,000th such response. That's right, kids, we are rapidly approaching our 100,000th comment, and we could not be more excited.
Okay, well, there are a ton of things that would make us more excited (blowjobs, lifetime supplies of cat food, a reunion of Suede's original lineup, etc.), but this is still pretty cheering. We are naturally quite grateful to all of you, who shape the direction of this site as much as we do and are responsible for creating one of the most enjoyable and vibrant communities on the web. Thanks.
To celebrate, we are going to offer a special opportunity to one of the most dedicated segments of our commenter base, by which I mean those crazies who are still leaving remarks at the bottom of this post in some misguided belief that being the person to leave the final riposte in that spot is a worthwhile aspiration. Here's the deal: As soon as the 100,000th comment comes in-and we're not going to tell you exactly how close we are, to keep things sporting-that thread will be closed, giving whoever has left the most contemporaneous play on the word last the, uh, distinct privilege of having indeed been that post's final commenter. It is the least we can do. Seriously.
I'll bet at least 75 of those weren't mine.
Well ride the gay taxi!
THERE'S A GAY TAXI!?
Herbie couldn't get a job in the movies anymore.
Why isn't there a counter on the home page?!
DO MORE
I hope SayThatsCool put his Jeepers on this morning, because I just heard a rumblin on the Hers-aaaaagh, nevermind.
Is it now?
Is it this one?
Abortions for some, miniature American flags for others and Lemon Squares for us.
How about now?
Should've waited.
How much free cat food do we get if we win? I have a Siamese, I need Silence Diet!
Whose lifetime? Yours, mine, or the cat's?
What if I get a new cat and name it Choire?
Then... no one will know how to pronounce your cat's name?
"Puss 'n Boots."
I could name it Balk I suppose and watch it lick itself all day.
I feel manipulated.
I'd just like to congratulate [TK] in advance.
YOU HAD BETTER BE MONITORING THIS CLOSELY
GIVE UP--sorry.
Give up now.
NOW.
I'd still like to know who #1 is.
That would be a much better prize!
As someone who has peeked behind the curtain, I would like to say - keep the mystery a mystery. It is more fun that way.
Nick Denton.
WAIT, HOW THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW THE ANSWER?
That was to Cherri. It's not Denton.
Mathy, you MISSED SO MUCH while you were away.
But we held serious vigil. Did you know that you were gone so long? Have you hit your head recently?
OMG I see that now! There's a party in June??
@mathie: Well young lady, if you hadn't skipped school on Who Are You Awl day you would know, wouldn't you?
"There's a party in June" sounds like code for something. (Other than a party in June, obvs.)
MATHIE!!! WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN LADY??? PARTY IN JUNE! (will you email me justsayjolie at gmail)
admin is my favorite commenter.
Did I ruin the fun? Oops.
@petejayhawk - this is why we can't have nice things.
mom said never to enter the light at the center of the island, now look what've you done we are all SMOKE
@cherri: like edit buttons.
It's like HuffPo over here!
I SEE WHAT YAWL DOIN HERE
http://tinyurl.com/2cglfeo
Does this mean the logo contest is still open?
The 100,000th commenter on Gawker got a Subway club card with two stamps on it, so "the last word" is definitely an improvement.
So, we meet again.
You thought you could hide?
You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you?
never rub another man's rhubarb, etc.
No one better say anything about scars.
Let me know when the 100,000 comment appears, and I'll sing "She's in Fashion" while opening a can of Friskies. No blowjob, but there's probably someone around here who could take of that.
*Call me
roast beef heroes @ 3 little piggy's with Balk and Choire
Just stopping by to see if Mathnet won the stuffed bullfrog or the Chelsea Handler Wonderbra.
CHELSEA HANDLERS BOOBS ARE REALLY STUFFED WITH BULLFROGS
That's why she has a series, and you and I just have keyboards with yogurt stains.
I hope that's yogurt.
this little piggy's
"Oh, look, all the nines are changing into the next thousand. When I was a little kid," she continued unexpectedly, "I used to think they'd stop and go back to nines, if only my mother agreed to put the car in reverse."
My second choice for commenter name was C_Haze.
I resent being coerced into commenting.
Did I win?
Comment
This is indeed the Honda Civic of websites.
LAST!!!!
Also, what about C-Ro's and my over/under wager?! I DEMAND ANSWERS!!
(Also also, this is apparently (according to the URL, anyway) comment number 100,128? So it's already happened??
Perhaps comments by Choire, Balk, and Cho do not count?
garge [#736]
I wish I knew him better, so I could get him to bring me back a bootleg los suns shirt (xs .. please please?); also, boycot! etc.
Here? Is it here?
SO TRUE!
Heh. Great minds, CHL!
Ah, but your aesthetic sense is superior.
For the true answer to that, my dear, I'm afraid we'll have to compare shoes.
Yay! It's Garge. So happy it's not some douchebag-come-lately from facebook.
Garge wins the morning! Well deserved!
WHOA, I hope all of this publicity gets me a Los Suns shirt from someone. Thing is--I think that count includes spam, and is not an authentic number? Because the threads comments are still open ..
Where the heck is the promised edit button....CHO?
The winner should receive a performance of all 100,000 comments acted out in mime form by Saythatscool. No summarizing allowed and spandex is required.
I'll need to limber up first.
(sexual innuendo)
(dick joke)
*call me
Are we there yet? How much longer?
@rocket: Almost there, cross your legs and hold it in.
Point, unrelated.
Juvenile response.
Um, your permalinks are numbered.
Even more puzzling: Karen's comment (first on this page) is number 100,052.
Also, the comments on individual posts are not numbered contiguously...
...meaning the comment with the next consecutive number could be on a completely different post.
Yeah, but we stripped out the spam posts. Each new comment is assigned a number, but that does not account for comments that have been removed prior to posting. So we're not there yet! Unless this one is it, which would be kind of funny.
Way to let down poor garge, Balk. :(
So now we have to guess how many spam comments there are? Also, garge totally deserves some sort of prize.
I feel terrible for garge and yet delighted that now I MIGHT WIN!
This is kind of like "penalty time" at the end of a soccer game, I guess. The clock shows zero, but you never know when the REAL 90-minute mark will be reached until the referee suddenly blows his whistle.
So we're all in comment penalty time now ...
What if the 100,000th comment is a reply to somebody else's comment? Then I/he/she won't get to be LASSSSSSSSSST!
again, but with more hiss.
This has nothing to do with anything (except a obvious attempt to WIN), but I actually bought a SHAKE WEIGHT. For real. I've been threatening my children with using it in public, just to embarrass them.
In answer to queries I may get:
1. Yes, it kind of works.
2. Yes, it does look vaguely pornographic.
Damn it. AN obvious, not "a" obvious.
WHERE IS OUR EDIT BUTTON? I WANT TO WIN AN EDIT BUTTON!
Pics or it didn't happen.
I'd trade your Shake Weight for an edit button.
I'll trade your edit button for the secret to ending the Refresh Reign of Terror.
*call me, hockeymom.
Coincidentally, I made my first Awl comment earlier today. I will cry if no-one posts a response comment.
response!
(mandatory human centipede joke)
(mandatory bear joke)
(mandatory *call me)
mandatory superior remark.
(mandatory my baby. my baby! my baby is so smart but I'm also scared about my baby mad-lib)
(optional nostalgia)
(optional LolCait reference)
(mandatory ***** reference)
(mandatory WHY THE FUCK can't we get an edit button, so I could go add parenthese to my earlier, now-not-so-superior mandatory comment)
(mandatory LOLCAT-language joke)
(mandatory LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE, YOU CREEPY WEIRDO!!)
(mandatory COMMENT IN 'COLLOQUIAL' STYLE OF: MACHINES.)
Balk's Cock.
If they screwed up the numbering, Balk has to dress in suede and give everyone's cat a BJ.
My heart is pounding. I only wish that the winner wasn't going to be predictable: the person with the fastest internet connection who is a wiz with the back end of Wordpress.
Totally going to be Ronbo.
It's you! It's you! Prize should be a bolt bus ticket to come to the commenter's ball and a free night on the Awl office couch.
-standing ovation-
You win!
SPEECH!!!
I like Tuna Surprise's idea.
What are you doing to the back end of Wordpress? Are there pictures?
ROBBED.
Maybe there can be some kind of consolation prize for losers who think they are winners temporarily? Perhaps something along the lines of a bolt bus ticket to come to the commenter's bawl and a free night on the Awl office couch, including a homemade pillow stuffed with 100,000 comments worth of cigarette butts? Oh, look at that! My mascara is everywhere!
I would donate to a "garge's bolt bus ticket" fund.
http://bit.ly/kFyPE
No worries, Garge- that's not your mascara. That's just some rogue black tar balls from when we drilled to the bottom of the Who Are You Awl comment thread and sprung a disastrous leak.
But that's what they get for buying a white couch -snort!-
Wait for it. Wait for it...NOW! GO NOW! GO GO GO!
Good Lord: Fred? Is that you?
There can be, at most, six or seven, MacLeod.
Hahahaha! Your defeatism is absolutely adorable.
Who made the first comment, btw? HMMMMMM????
Yes yes, I too would like to know this. Also, if by some massive stroke of fortune I win, I too want a Los Suns t-shirt.
Titty, we already know who made the first comment. She just likes to LORD IT OVER US sometimes.
Oh crap that's right, how could I have forgotten that? Also, please call me Titty again.
Does the winner get bacon?
If I win I want DorothyMantooth's number. My cat can starve.
Ha! I just tried to make another "(mandatory *call me)" comment -- and it wouldn't let me!
Oh, MACHINES.
Stop taunting me with your italics.
http://www.shittheawlsays.tumblr.com
Um, isn't this the 100,000th comment? http://www.theawl.com/2010/05/coastal-liberal-journeys-to-arizona-finds-food-cheap#comment-100000
See above.
@Balk: When the hell did you learn how to link comments within comments??? Or comment reply properly for that matter?!?! Up is down, black is white, Cat is Cho...
@Balk: GO, 'PUTEY, GO!!!
We're through the looking glass here people.
srsly.
I'd like to be comment 99,998, if that's still possible.
Still not a Get Smart reference.
Oh, fuck you all. I'm putting everything on the Millionth.
That gets you free fries, right? Nice.
Someone should post this to 4chan.
We are Legion...
Someone should put this on Gawker TV.
What was the prize for #100,305 by the way?
AND THERE IT WENT
It's Joles!!
(I would call shenanigans, but I truly believe she deserves it mostest of all!)
This is like the time Eric Sevareid promised us kids free Cokes if we could get his Thunderbird hubcaps polished to a mirror finish, but refused to tell us where he parked it. Then it turned out he drove a GTO.
oh hi!
No, sorry, there was a weird glitch. It's still open! (But I would hurry.)
Oh my God, you tease!!
(This may or may not be the first time I've thought those words about you.)
Oh there you are, back to not knowing how to comment reply! UP IS UP AGAIN!
Make me the winner or I'll tell them how much Nick Denton REALLY paid you to shampoo his carpets.
C'mon kids, we can't let the Nigerian spammers win this one. The last comment will not be relegated to cheap pharmacy drugs or penis enlargement! Type type type!
PLEASE LET IT BE ME
Shit. I've run out of things to type.
I'm starting to think that you've given us a crippled dolphin.
While I'm here, can someone tell me how I could possibly be MORE stupid?
I once won a bike. I would like to now win a sandwich!
When I was a kid, I entered a raffle, complained about never winning anything, and then I won A GIANT BOX OF AMAZING TOYS.
I still get choked up over Young Me.
A comment is generally a verbal or written remark often related to an added piece of information, or an observation or statement. These are usually marked with an abbreviation, such as "obs." or "N.B.". The term "comment" may have different meanings depending on specific fields of usage.
--Wikipedia
Obvs.
100,000☃?
now?
Uh oh. One of my co-workers just tipped me that I've been doing this at WORK.
We apologise for the inconvenience.
It is highly inconvenient that you won. Nothing personal--I'm bitter about almost everything.
-TOTALLY REDNECK MIDWESTERN HIGH-FIVER-
@Art: FUCK YEAH!
(Even if you did break a bottle of Arthur Bryant's...I mean...Gates? Sure, go hogwild throwing that shit around. But Bryant's? C'mon dude.)
Obiter dictum: salve.
CEILING CAT IZ WATCHIN UR HUNNERD TOUZAND FRUM UP HEAR
I guess there's something poetic about it being a LolCat?
Also, in the vernacular of The Youngs: GRATS!
Those youngs. Those youngs! Those youngs are so smart, but sometimes I worry about those youngs.
Hey! It doesn't count if you post the same thing on two threads! Get back to the bottom of the sea and think upon your evildoings.
LOLZ. TIHS TING
IZ NOT NECESSARLY
TEH SAEM AZ TAHT TING.
UR READIN IT RONG.
irish, we can dwell on who may or may not have done evildoinz to whom all night or we can put down this bottle of 12-year Jameson I have here. which?
And there we have it. peteyjayhawk made the 100,000th comment, triggering the end of the Who Are You Awl? thread. Your winner can be found at the bottom of that post. Thanks for playing, everyone. We'll do this again when we get near 1 million.
WUT
back to TypeRacer it is
It was this one? How... appropriate!
Knowing that thread is closed is making me consider starting to read it.
And it was addressed to employers everywhere.
Douglas Adams called from the afterlife and he wants his royalties, dammit!
Cheers, Yucko and Petey (I always misread it as such, not to be *uncomfortably familiar*)! Now, for my first commenting-induced drink--
rruhpp roh. SayThatsCool and Miles are liable to wage a ruthless campaign of knifecrime on my Taint (or in Miles' case, meatslicercrime)... I better go into hiding.
Hey garge, that makes me think we should have a Boston Awl drinking party, complete with giant cutouts of Balk, Choire and Cat.
@Bittersweet & all inhabiting 'the cradle of liberty', as providence would have it, due to my former life as an artist, I have all the necessary industrial connections to produce said cutouts. Email me @ aka.garge @ gmail, and let the list-serv begin!
Oh, hey, so, I'm kind of shy around here, but I wold maybe like to crash your Boston Awl drinking party? garge, I will send you an email!
Or *would*, whatever.
First they came for our 99,996th comment and I did not speak up.
FUCK
100,001.
Oh, and LAST.
/scene
This reminds me of an Aesop's Fable, The Hawk, the Kite, and the Pigeons, which ending of which I will cut-and-paste here:
The Pigeons, terrified by the appearance of a Kite, called upon the Hawk to defend them. He at once consented. When they had admitted him into the cote, they found that he made more havoc and slew a larger number of them in one day than the Kite could pounce upon in a whole year.
Moral: Avoid a remedy that is worse than the disease.
Thank GOD I can get back to Judge Mathis.
See, if Choire, Balk & Cho (the CBC? Surely there's a better acronym) were truly in it to win it, this page would be littered with ads & popups, anything that makes a cha-ching! Instead we get warm wishes and thanks.
Way to drop the ball.
Off topic: Whatever happened to Mr.Republican? I was so looking forward to "dialoguing" with him. Did somebody scare him away??
*looks around suspiciously*
You take one freakin' nap in the middle of the day... I MISS EVERYTHING GOOD ALL THE TIME!!! *sobs*
No more comments until Monday. Moose out front should've told ya.
FUCK Fuckity Fuck Fuck.
Not a bang, but a whimper?
"How can I disturb social order? What happens in my house is a private matter."
We almost had it all, C-Ro.
At least we...had...Paris...
Was Suede really that good a band? I totally missed that.
You know, there's a REASON they don't publish the number of jumpers off of the Golden Gate Bridge.
what? no donuts?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0B2NUqBs3TQ&feature=related
Please, please, please let it be someone posting "FIRST!!!!1" in the comments.
Still going? I was worried I had missed all the fun.
LAST.
meh
...
This is some kind of trick, isn't it?
test, testing, testing ... 1, 2, 3
Nicely played.
Ok, so what if the 100,000th comment is posted on under a different post, instead of in this one?
Say, for example, somebody posts the 100,000th comment under a post like ... oh I dunno, maybe "Today in Facebook Status Updates: Who's Masturbating Now?" What would happen then?
By the way, have read that Facebook post? It's pretty funny. You should check it out.
I can only hope that I'm the 100,000th comment, and that it occurs in a comment where I find a roundabout way of mentioning my penis.
I'm gonna post haikus. That way, maybe the 100,000th comment will be a haiku! That would be nice.
Seventeen syllables
Don't take very long to type.
Just one left: There.
Hey, are we there yet?
The hundred thousand mark? No?
Huh. .... How about now?
What about now? Do I get to play with cat if I win?
It's over, kids, go home.
I've got the bends to get over.
What? Seriously? Who won?
Oh, fuck - now I see: http://www.theawl.com/2010/05/keep-those-comments-coming#comment-100366
I thought Balk meant he'd shut down THIS thread when it was over.
Well, that's too bad. I had so many more haikus to share. Guess I'll go post them over on Fark instead.
Last.
Balk, I think turning on the lights just chased the commenters over here.
YES! Wha'd I win????
WTF?! that should have done it. How about now?
Aw fuck I missed it, serves me right for scrolling all the way down, not reading any of the
stupidwitty shit people wrote.Congratulations, peteyjayhawk.
don't tell batman...he will be PISSED.
Some day you should have a game for people who can only read The Awl between the hours of 11:45pm-1am. I would win. Perhaps because I'd be playing myself but it would be nice to have a chance. Not that I really wish I was glued to a computer all day. I'm just a sore loser. Well, I'm a loser and I'm sore. Oh Lord this is why I never comment, what am I even saying? Pouting because I wanted to play, happy because The Awl has lotsa comments, sad because sad is hip and I have no milk for the morning.
Let's stay up late and talk about the others.
I'm in this club, too. I have an ongoing joke (with myself) about how whenever I post it is hours later than everyone else.
It's weird. I have this job now where I don't use a computer the whole time. Some of the time, but also no. I'm moving around, standing up. Doing things, making things.
So I don't read the Awl during the day. I'm not on the internet all day. It's weird.
Meeee tooo! time zone issues.
You better be at the Commenter's Bawl between 11:45pm-1am.
i have supernatural threadkilling powers that i shall now put to the test.
last
Yawn. Try harder.
Hey rookies? I survived the crushing depths of a 900+ comment thread for over a week. My mind and body have acclimated to this commenting environment.
It gets dark and dangerous down here very quickly.
Most things want to eat you.
Is that a threat or a promise?
Potato skins and fried green tomatoes;
Everything taste better when it sits on a Ritz.