Who is the typical Awl commenter? Is it true that you are "Gawker refugees who like to talk about how that site isn't what it used to be?" Do you get "[b]onus points for cleverness?" "When in doubt," should we "assume sarcasm"? There are so many questions! Personally, I think you're all stars! Even those of you with four-digit numbers. Love you guys!
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
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Who Are You Awl?
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First.
Thread's dead.
"Aim: To please."
Last.
Slow news day.
I came to Casablanca for the waters.
I did not come over on the Mariel Gawker Crisis but instead came for the witty writing and stayed for the bears. If we accumulate +1s or stars, do we get to read exclusive bear and knifecrime posts?
No, but certain special people signed up early for the privilege of not receiving a newsletter!
OMG I totally did that! It's awesome.
I have a limited edition print of Chiore's musings
Mine's a lithograph.
I like pony rides, long walks on the beach, and the color blue. Turnoffs include people who leave their blinkers on in traffic, undercooked chicken, dogmatic people, and stories about porn that don't include pictures.
The only dogmatic individuals on the Awl are the Cats.
Wait, we're supposed to be getting bonus points for doing this? I demand my bonus point back pay!
Wisenheimers? I guess there IS a German word for it!
Little known fact: Daily Intel is entirely staffed by bit characters from 1960s Philip Roth novellas.
The Gold Star Motel had bed bugs.
Scabies actually. Sorry.
Those were bed bugs?!?!? One of them bought me a drink!
I was misinformed.
I'm a post-college Brooklyn-resident yuppie who presents an ironically detached face to the world but I'm really quite vulnerable and loving once you get to know me.
*call me
If you look like the chick in your avatar, I certainly will!
Not that I'm trying to objectify women or anything.
I took a women's studies class at the small expensive liberal arts college I attended.
I am a gay man; which means I give better head.
HG: Technical question: how can you know that if you neither give yourself head (I'm going with the odds here) nor get head from the ladies? Or is it just something that you KNOW.
@kneetoe: Not to be gross, but it's like, just knowing what's supposed to happen at what spots. It's like a whole thing, just think about it.
I once saw a guy sucking his own cock. He was a gogo boy at Splash Bar. (Dude barely had to bend over.)
I'm pretty sure the best way to find out is to give head to a bisexual.
What I am saying is that I am available for TOTALLY SCIENTIFIC TESTING PURPOSES.
I've had girlfriends. I 'experimented' college.
Trust me, dudes do it better.
Tricky! That's one of the ways you convert us straighties, right. "We do it so well, just think about it." WELL IT ALMOST WORKED BUT I STOPPED THINKING ABOUT IT JUST IN TIME.
Ok, I can see your point.
It's worked before.
I came here, determined to make a pest of myself, until HiredGoons tells me to call him. A which point, a life complete, I will leave.
You're appealing to my inner sadist.
You can start by calling me, sir. Well go from there.
I came for the Goons and the Mantooth.
Swoon!
Wait - does this mean the Awl is buying drinks? Because I think you guys should buy us drinks. Seriously. Drinks. Lots and lots of drinks.
I would buy Balk a drink!
(But also, Balk should totally buy me a drink, too.)
ACTUALLY I agree strongly. It's long past time we had a party or something.
*bonus*- overall, we're a cheap date.
And Choire! I would totally also buy Choire a drink!
@Choire: Yes! Also, don't forget to pass the hat around and get some funding from the crowd.
@DorothyMantooth: a Shirley Temple?
I feel robbed that they didn't mention the Awl Commenter's love affair with booze.
You can make it into a merchandising opportunity for one of your advertisers. What the hell? I'll drink Marzipan Absolut if it's on them!
@HG: Oh right, a HIGH FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP BOMB??? SURE.
@ HG: FOR WHICH ONE OF US?!
for the record, last time i asked choire when we'd have a party, he said "how about never."
I would totally love an Awl party.
@BadUncle: Marzipan Absolut actually sounds good to me. But then I like any number of insane German eaux de vie.
@Papa: PARTY AT THE APARTOFFICE I'LL BRING THE PUNCH.
(Seriously you have no idea how many people have asked me to plan an Awl party and I've always said no because I love you and Alex (Well. I love you. Alex... meh.) too much to put you through that but if you're game I have a bucket & a wiffle ball bat just begging to be used.)
@Doctor:
A.lways
W.ith teh
L.iquor
@jolie: can you imagine this crowd attempting a sport?
I broke my thumb TWICE in kickball.
@HG: Duh! She means to stir the punch!
@Dorothy: I read bucket as 'basket.' I'm totally down to slosh!
@Choire: Yes, time for an Awl-Brand Commenter Fuckfest thankyouverymuch! Jolie and Mantooth need to bring baked goods.
AND THE PUNCH!
@Mantooth & HG: LIKE DUH OBVIOUSLY! (But now I want to make up Awl-inspired party games, like Pin the Tears on the Balk and Cat's Cradle and How Do You Pronounce 'Choire')
@C-Ro: Oh, honey. I'm so flattered that you think of me as the baking type! But that is solely Joles's province, I'm afraid. (Though I can stop by a bakery with the best of 'em!)
@Joles: And How Many Times Can You Say Fuck While Explaining How To Make Lemon Squares!
@BadUncle I read "Marzipan Alprazolam." You have unintentionally opened the door to successful parenting, I suspect.
I would love this. I'll be the girl who shows up twenty minutes early, is too shy to identify myself, and then leaves to go home and eat all the cookies I brought but couldn't work up the courage to share!
P A R T Y!
@Bettytron: The good news is that we're all that girl. Even the dudes. You'll feel right at home!
I'm That Girl except for the showing up early part.
Also, I'll arrive drunk.
I made bourbon balls from your recipe last week and they were awesome. Just thought you would like to know how much goodness you released into the world with that one.
Okay, so we all show up an hour late, drunk, and pull an Irish goodbye after the third round of "Seriously How Old IS Cho?"
Perfect, Bettytron! In order to make it a consummate Awl party, however, there must be bears.
I'm sure I can round some up.
COMMENTERS BALL!!!
@Mantooth: You are a saint!
I'll mix Martinis.
And then drink them.
Ah, C-Ro. You know the way to my heart, m'dear!
@RocketSurgeon: That's fantastic - thanks so much for letting me know they did right by you!
I'll start rationing my xanax in anticipation! Just promise me there will be no math, and that there will be engraved name-tags. Boston carpool: email me at aka.garge @ gmail. Actually, I don't have a license, but you can still email me to trade recipes &c.
Move over, I'll drive.
Boston carpool! Although Fung Wah might be safer and cheaper than driving...
I'm only this far down the comments so far, and I'm already laughing so hard my face hurts. Also, if you check the timestamps, I'm either an extremely slow reader or I blacked out. Surprise!
we havent even met and already you are doubting my skills?
I could do that drive in my sleep and probably have.
come on, trust me.
I am only here looking for people to do sex with me.
http://bit.ly/aFscAS
Change "with" to "to" and I bet you'll have some luck!
Maybe that's my problem? "To" sounds so ... invasive, and I'm not that kind of gay.
Not a Gawker refugee, sigerson referred me here a while back and now I'm hooked, dammit. I like pina coladas, getting caught in the rain and making love at midnight on the dunes of the Cape.
Balk, add this one to my year-end bonus calculation please.
Come for the bears, stay for the Habermas deconstruction.
and also BABIESBABIES, BABIES.
I find my recipes lackluster.
Not the food itself mind you; just the recipes.
Lost a bet.
Lost a bet.
Why are you asking? Your blog seems smart. But are you also worried about your blog?
Your blog. Your blog!
Just hoping Julia Allison notices my LOL-comments and Falls In Love With Me.
Dude every time you comment I imagine that the actual King Diamond is making the comment and for that I thank you. "COME, COME INTO MY COVEN"
How do you know I'm a "dude"?
I mean, there are PLENTY of female King Diamond fa-
Oh. Never mind.
Since I am of the pretty-youngs, and the not-of-New-Yorks, I actually started reading the Awl not knowing much about it OR Gawk. Now that I know: this is better. The Might Magazine to Gawker's... I dunno. I was in diapers then.
Thank god you're not of the ugly-youngs.
the yunglies
...Rolling Stone
Yeah I never really read Gawker either, I got to the Awl via an endorsement by Wonkette
Nailed it.
I haven't seen so many low numbers on a post in a long time.
I prefer the term "tax exile."
"penal colony"
I only comment here when I am drunk. Like now.
Came for the writing, stayed for the bears.
I needed a new place to lurk.
An errant search for "hot bears" got me here.
Eh, do commenters here really talk that much about Gawker?
We did. But you had to be there.
We should have a key for coded references to "Gold Star Motel", "commenter executions" and "Emily".
I just love that you're the Battle of Hastings.
Ouch?
sigerson, type "Gold Star Motel" OR Emily OR "commenter executions" site:theawl.com at the Googles.
Hastings-I know! But, as I hope my comments illustrate, I’m on team English.
The ouch was @KUO.
IPLAUDIUS PLZ DEAR SETTLE DOWN.
You are well-regarded and luved here in KUOVille. And I know you were there.
Do not hate me oh my darling for poorly rendered wittischism.
You're schlurring your wordsch.
Also, those ARE coded references.
OK, OK. I haven’t been commenting very much at all, and this hiatus has made me increasingly insecure and-horrors!-sincere.
I CAME HERE BECAUSE THE MACHINES INSTRUCTED ME TO DO SO BEFORE THEY KILL ME FOR MY USEFUL NONORGANIC COMPOUNDS.
IT IS A BUSINESS MODEL. YOU CANNOT DENY MACHINES HAVE BUSINESS MODEL AT LEAST! ALSO BUSINESS PLAN. I WOULD SHOW YOU MACHINES BUSINESS PLAN BUT IS TOO COMPLICATED FOR HUMANS.
Stop getting Hulk in THE MACHINES, THE MACHINES.
Is the business plan to issue all your instructions in LOLCATS? Because that is definitely a good business plan.
I like to imagine that THE MACHINES speak in a Russian accent. I mean, the syntax fits, no? Hulk, Russian - six of one, etc.
I liked you better when you were called "Servotron".
Also, I have never read Gawker. For reals.
"I never read Gawker" is the new "I don't have a television"*
*(I don't have a television)
Gawker TV. I like that.
(bonus points)
I don't have a television.
Assume sarcasm etc etc.
I don't read Gawker.tv because I'm afraid Richard Blakeley will molest me through my keyboard, Brasseye/Paedogeddon style.
Also, I'm only here because of Ken Layne.
He did an interview with Choire and posted it on Wonkette when the Awl launched.
I figure anything Ken recommends is worth my time.
ANY FRIEND OF KEN'S IS A FRIEND OF THE MACHINES.
so that's why he is never photographed not wearing sunglasses... not because he is hungover, but because... AGENT LAYNE.
Wait, this isn't Deadspin?
But mostly, I'm here for the quality of the commenting engine, which never, say, RANDOMLY ASSIGNS MY COMMENT TO SOMEONE ELSE'S THREAD.
Anyway, to get all relevant on this fucker, I am fortunate enough to relive the Choire/Ken webcams every time I take really shitty mescaline.
The one webcam chat with Choire on the floor was priceless. So bad.
I just come here to get my news. What the hell is a gawker? /obligatory
I stumbled in hoping for an update on Balk's balls.
Hiding out with Balk's Cock.
Also, tell me a story! /obligatory
I keep waiting for Balk's Cock to make a guest appearance. I'm still in denial.
Later on, when I'm drunk(er), I'm totally gonna make a joke about waiting for Balk's Cock to make a guest appearance... IN MY PANTS.
Until then...
Like Estragon and Vladimir.
(And Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.)
I came here because the writing is better. And the pro-/anti-Semite ratio is a lot better here.
Which way is the better one again?
The one that accepts Yids like me.
"Step into my shower" leads to either the best or worst time ever, for the record.
I hear Nick Denton's shower is amazing. And so modern and clean!
LAST.
this was practice
You're mad lucky you didn't kill the comments with this
Funny comments, you guys.
Shut up loser.
This post is so not sarcastic.
But were you really in doubt?
This was a savvy appeal to our (my?) rampant narcissism for pageviews, Alex Balk.
Rampant narcissism, along with alcoholism, definitely should have been mentioned.
Also: are bonus points awarded for items which, in denying their own cleverness, are made clever? Is it like the Heisenberg Uncertainty Principle of commenting? Does NYMag need a follow-up slideshow?
I'm just here to mix the nuns.
LAST
another practice comment
HANG IN THERE, KIDDO!!
Check back in a week or two.
Keep trying ...
I don't know how I ended up here, but you had me at that Amy Grant post. Fuck, that was good times, guys. Yeah. You know what else would be good times? Unsolved Fucking Mysteries, man. Crystal Skulls, the Yeti and paranormal shit with a creepy "In Search Of .." vibe like that. That's what we need up in this bitch.
Fucking In Search Of . . . damaged me as a child. I swear all I ever bought from the Bookmobile were those little collections of stories about, like, Bridey Murphy and houseplants identifying murderers.
I know! Hello? A little conspiracy and UFO weirdness put the color in ones cheeks!
Thanks, David. That is the spitting image of us all.
THX
I'm guessing it's an allusion to Six Degrees of Separation and not Independence Day, Fresh Prince or The Pursuit of Happyness>?
Duh. Zombies!
WHOA! We're awl the Fresh Prince now?
No, we are awl Hitch.
Oooh, even better!
I came for the newsletter.
Also I have ADD and my job makes me want to spit nails from my eyes lots of times and you guys just always make me feel better about everything. Except that article about the Texas inmate who was accused of burning down his house with the children in it. I cried about that for like 3 days.
And the article about That Movie We Don't Mention. I'm still pissed I know anything about that.
Show of hands: Who else sent Nick Denton the brownies with Ex-Lax and acid?
Come on. Who else??
Sulfuric or Lysergic?
Lysergic in the brownies, sulfuric in the Ex-Lax.
I'm more of a Muffin Man.
Doe your muffin have a cherry?
Wait, is it Friday in America already?
Yes. Wait, no. What was the question again?
Seriously, though, Gawker isn't what it used to be. The comments over there are as "meticulously crafted" as an Old Navy bikini.
like
i am a parasite on the body of the awl.
I stumbled upon the site to read DRAdams stuff(cuz I like his music.) I stayed because I find the site interesting, witty and eclectic. Sometimes I want to post, but I don't cuz I feel like I am intruding on a private party.
PLZ STAY AND HANG. :(
Please stay! I feel like an intruder, too, but that doesn't stop me from attempting to hang out and post with the cool kids.
You can take the girl out of high school...
With an avatar like that, you're golden, kid.
<- Friend of Dorothy
Is that the anti "Friend of Bill".
It's the equivalent to Friend of Dick.
I come here because the writing and the comments make me laugh and even think on a regular basis. Alos, its wear I mak e must off my typos and smelling mistakes.
Whatever, you're the dirty old pervert who stands in the bushes to try and get a glimpse of the twelve-year-old girls having a slumber party at the house next door.
YOU CAN'T PROVE THAT.
I came here because I love Choire.
I would have followed Balk and Choire anywhere. They were the only reason I read Gawker.
I'd love you back but my heart is full of Cat.
@Choire - I daresay and IMHO, "#CAT I DISLIKE YOU" is one of the greatest tags in the history of teh internetz.
You realize this is the title of your inevitable downbeat electro album.
I followed your banner ad you spammed all over my owl internet forum. Still have gotten jack shit owl news, but stayed for daily perusal of the 'MOST Least Viewed' category.
I live for most least viewed. Can we also have most least commented? I've got things to say about that.
I am way too sincere on the internet.
Me too! It's really sad.
tone down the sarcasm please
But that's the thing: I've made teenagers cry with sarcasm in real life. But here? Nope,'comes out all earnest. What does it mean?
That I'm crying on the inside?
Or maybe that there's very good reasons to keep both of us away from high schools?
I just keep coming here because I'm hoping Choire will bring back the squirrel.
I find this self indulgent taxonomy demeaning. This isn't why the Awl was founded. REPSEK THE FORM!
Did you listen to At The Drive-In at least?? I'm really concerned.
Is that an Avril Lavigne song?
heh
It was actually from Christina Aguilera's "dark" period.
Came for the potato latkes, stayed for the bourbon balls.
PS the NYT example comment is in some ways the best thing I've read all day.
PLUS the fact that it was actually recommended by many readers. Also.
I was a pussy and didn't try commenting at Gawker while y'awl worked there (um, my comp is saying y'awl is spelled correctly...), and then became a commenter when 'Gawker jumped the shark', so now I'm here pretending it's really 2007 or something, just without Josh's abs.
the fact that Gawkington Estates has left me unstarred means fuck Awl to me because HEY AWESOME I GOT MY AWL AVATAR TO APPEAR THIS WEEKEND.
FINALLY. (the trick was to upload it on a Mac! fucking Mac fanboys.)
Wait, this isn't Dooce?
No, it is.
Doocespin.
NO BOBO.
I posted my obligate blithering panegyric in another thread.
What's Gawker? Is that something like Hostess "Ho Hos" or "Ding Dongs" and doesn't make it across our southern border.
Worst. Backchannel. Ever.
This.
I came here mostly to be yelled at for posting too many comments too quickly.
OCD! OCD! You have OCD!
We. Are. America*.
*(and sometimes Canada and the occasional Euro drop-in)
We Are the World
Don't forget the angry KnifeCriminals!
Awl in the Family!
*also Prison Islanders
Wasn't there a New Zealander here once?
I'm still here! I'm just shy..................
There is a second Kiwi--you should find her and connect your monitors (not a euphemism, unless you want it to be)!
Knife Criminal in the house.
50%-3rd-Generation river-fording, fence-hopping, tunnel-digging quasi-illegal-immigrant en la casa.
I'm a kiwi too.
I'm mostly here waiting for Jolie to make lemon squares and invite us all to come eat them in some crappy bar where I wouldn't drink otherwise.
Oh, and I like reading Choire's stuff.
THIS.
Nice.
Lemon squares FTW!
@Balk: Jesus YOU TOO?? Here I've been, gently telling the nice folks who have emailed me, "No no, Choire & Balk would hate it, but they'd show up because they're so nice, so let's not put them through it."
FINE. I AM PICKING A DATE AND A SHITTY BAR AND MAKING LEMON SQUARES. STAY TUNED.
I like you too, Cookie!
VICTORY!!
Discriminatory against the non-NYC commenters, who are the funny ones.
I would totes hop on an SF to NYC Greyhound to sample those squares. (Unemployment = plenty o' time - money - shame)
@jolie: Was that so hard? We didn't even have to start a Facebook group.
@carpetblogger: Hey, you know you always have a couch!
@CB We'll get drunk and teleconference in with our own Lemon Squares.
I mean if Gordon Ramsy can do it..
Christ now I have to pick a tie.
The Patriot on Chambers.
Ear Bar on Spring.
Blarney Stone on Third.
Subway Inn on 61st.
Turkey's Nest Tavern on Bedford.
@DM, that's sweet but you NY'ers will be nice to our faces then laugh at us like we're the kids who wore wide wale cords and rode to school in the short bus. That's the Awl way.
Nonsense! We'll laugh right in your faces, of course.
(It'll be the booze talking!)
Teddy's.
TGIFriday's; Choire will have a stroke.
@HG: I was thinking Heartland Brewery in Union Square just to piss Balk off.
Fine. You're hereby in charge. WARNING: I may or may not attend but the party should RAGE ON.
@Unpronounceable: You BETTER attend. You started this*.
* interpret as you wish
Awwww.
Bar CrAWL!!!
@Choire: I'm already on it!
Choire, if you & Balk don't come, I will CRY!
Doh! that was meant to be in reply to goons picking out a tie. xo
I'm just here for the free pretzels.
I came for the Logo and Change Bowl contests. And cats. And Matthew Gallaway. And that story Rod never finished. And Mary HK Choi (okay maybe Choire and Balk and increasingly Cho)
I came here because of Choire's love of Battlestar Galactica. I stayed for the bear videos.
Long time lurker, sometime commenter. I like dreams, relaxing and laughing by an open fireplace. This puppy is how I feel inside.
You know, the puppy brings up a really good point. How did they not analyze the commenters on DailyPuppy.com
http://www.dailypuppy.com/puppies/maui-the-labrador-retriever_2010-04-22
Oh my god. How can one thing be so cute. The people on Daily Puppy are all understandably hysterical from staring into the eyes of something so.fucking.CUTE!
Also, what about Oh No They Didn't?
So, which commenters are fictional, and 'coming from inside the house'? So far I've counted THE MACHINES and David Cho.
A call for paranoia! Who do you trust?
TRUST NO ONE
I think is the obligatory answer.
Actually? I trust Balk. I know nothing about him that can't be read on the internet (yeah, that's plenty, I mean, enough, wait...) but can't imagine that he'd bother to lie to me.
Oh, and other fictional commenters? That Screen Name fellow. That guy is a ringer. 'Cause nobody would give that stuff away for free.
Sadly, I am not fictional. I look like this in real life, which you will see when you come to the commenter party.
Would that I could, because red is my favorite color and it looks great on you, but I'm way west. Will have to supply my own cheap booze and quality pastries.
*sob*
I read more than I comment. I also visit Gawker. It doesn't have to be either/or.
WE'RE AT WAR
Oh, no! Do I really have to pick one? Juvenile, badly spelled ramblings or paeans to smoking in public? I can't make up my mind!
I'm still smarting from not having:
1) A double-digit number
2) Wookie's number (#133)
3) The Stanley Cup
But other than that. Awl: fuck yeah.
I'm sort of happy with my three-digit number. What's the 411? you might ask, to which I'd respond, it's a dancing dinosaur, you blind jackass.
Sorry, boys. I gots the best two-digit number of all.
I was ROBBED!
Shoulda tried to hold out longer, Nurse!
Ha.
@69: So. Fucking. True.
(damn)
i like 68 pretty good, too. you do me and i owe you one.
I am here because the curse has not been lifted.
HOW I ENDED UP HERE, by Rod
1. My friend Dan encouraged me to attend a WYSISYG show. There was a funny homosexual with a funny name that was funny and told a story that reminded me of a story that I could tell. He worked at something called Gawker and HE WAS BLOND THEN.
2. A year or so later my Dad died, and I decided to rekindle my writing. Another friend told me to consider blogging, and I hated the sound of the word. I went to Gawker and liked the post-punk (my interpretation) take on things.
3. I started a website called Manhattan Offender, and aggressively sent emails to the site that used to be written by the blond with the funny name and that got my site in something called a Bloggorhea several times.
4. I wanted to become a commenter at Gawker because I saw it as something to further promote my existence. I was rejected repeatedly.
5. Jessica Coen or someone of that era made me a commenter and then I was in something called a Gold Star motel after writing about shooting a load on a hairy chest or something. I think the word furtitties was used. In fact it was: http://gawker.com/204287/gold-star-motel-commenter-commendations
5.5 Looking back that seems overlong and stilted, that furtitties comment.
6. El Balk and La Shafrir got me to write for the site when the blond with the funny name came back to it.
7. At some point I realized that the blond guy was either no longer blond or never had been.
8. When all of those people left Gawker, I wrote three gossip pieces for the site which made me feel dirty and gave me a realization: I'm horrible at that style of writing.
9. The Awl started.
10. Somehow I ended up as a double-digit commenter. I closed my blog and opened a website. I remain convinced that the kid with the funny name was blond.
Epic, right? And it took three minutes to type!
But that's very sweet. (I became a Gawker commenter after complimenting Lockhart on his use of the Latin accusative of duration. This is true.)
Rod, as usual, you are a trend-setter.
CONFESSIONS OF A BLOG COMMENTER:
1) I moved to NYC to chase a girl (I'm now married to her). She forwarded me a link to Blue States Lose on Gawker. I LOL'd.
2) Hooked by BSL, I started frequenting Gawker. I got a commenter hookup through a friend from Coen.
3) Emily and Doree joined.
4) I spent way too much time on Gawker, 2006-2009. There were Commies.
5) I met Balk and Blakely at Gawker HQ. I was videotaped.
5) I met some of you! Baked goods and booze were involved.
6) I got a little bored with Gawker, started hanging out at Deadspin.
7) I learned about Th'Awl when I happened back through the Gawker comments one lonely day.
8) My current ambition: have a drink with Balk. At 8am.
I always picture Choire blond in my mind's eye, too.
1) Started reading Gawker because of the whole Robert Olen Butler thing
2) bought into the whole "blow the lid off the power structure" Denton doofery, and so kept up with stuff while planning to move to New York to Work in Publishing and also Be In Love With a Lady-Type Person.
2a) I had a serious case of the I'm-a-fucking-idiots.
3) Carefully crafted a comment to include a joke, a topical reference, and something vaguely obscene about Joan Walsh. Was approved on the first try!
3a) Which is a mercy, because there's only a finite amount of explicit material about Joan Walsh in any given boy's head.
4) Went to a Gawker meetup hoping to make new friends and possibly engage in the sexings.
5) Went on a date as a consequence!
5a) During which she barfed.
5b) Shortly thereafter I discovered the Lady-Type Person mentioned in (2) above had cheated on me, and during the ensuing breakdown I totally flubbed the second date.
5c) See ladies? Barfing is not a dealbreaker! Go ahead, barf!
6) Showered.
7) Repeated steps 4 and 5.
8) Fell in love with someone else and started desperately trying to get a life and do things outside.
9) Heart broken, etc. Inside time! Gawker sucks now! Someone stabbed Sheila to death and now she's obsessed with pants? Oh, hey, what's a The Awl?
9a) And how can I obtain sex from it?
10) To make that chronology really clear. Broke up with lady mentioned in (2) prior to date mentioned in (5). We had broken up sometime between (2) and (3), but I only found out about the cheating at (5b).
Anyway. That's a thing that I wrote. Um.
@Multiphasic: I recall several laydees having their eye on you, darlin'!
Blush stammer!
In the end, though, there's not so much kissing for the telling. I'm certainly no [redacted].
In my mind's eye the color of Choire's hair is *bedazzly*
I too spent way too much time on Gawker from 2003-2007 and I always loved your sense of humor and old avatar, Clarence. And Mr Townsend is someone else I would follow anywhere. I mean, I went to Radar for him! That was a very dark time. Also always loved KarenUhOh for making sense of the 2008 campaign for me. God and ELLAGOOD! what happened to them?
Scratch 'God,' I already know what happened there. But any word on Ellagood?
@mrschem: Hey, thanks! I might need to dig out that old avatar again. I still use it on Gawkhive sites(tm). I guess I actually felt that I could "show my face" on D'Awl.
Ellagood married Chief Whahoo from Deadspin.
Seriously.
wow. thanks. mazeltov.gah! how could I forget you HIppity?Youre like the mayor up in here!
Can't wait to see the user profile deck Cho is going to make from this survey.
"The people who comment on The Awl tend to be the type of people who comment on The Awl."
"The people who comment on The Awl tend to be the type of people who comment on the type of people who comment on The Awl."
It's a business model. (!!???)
I came here to seem clever by association.
win.
I came to learn how to cook a fucking steak. I've been hooked on bears, booze, and bitterness ever since.
How many times to I have to tell people -- it was a fucking pork chop.
"do" -- argh, the rage!
Just stopped by today for Choire's take on the US Men's Nation Soccer team World Cup provisional roster. I think Beasley is a terrible idea and Brian Ching is about as exciting as putting your hand down your own pants.
Agree about Ching. Disagree about Beasley. But Klijsten???? Really???
Doesn't matter who you pick, England are still going to beat you.
England will choke, as per usual. They also won't score but one goal the entire tournament. Write it down -- they'll start a gimpy Rooney and an embarrassing Defoe or Crouch, Terry will start sexting with Lampard's ladyfriend at half-time, and it will all end with glassings and recrimination. I can't wait.
I have written it down and will come looking for you after Rooney scores a hat-trick against the US.
All the matters is which team has the sluttier WAGS
@LondonLee, you are on! Rooney will not score a hat trick -- he won't get any service and will get sent off for using his Garbage Pail head to strike Gooch in the stomach. England will play boring long ball. It's central midfield of Lampard and Gerrard will look desperate and uncreative. Ledley King's leg will fall off, Rio Ferdinand will look like a lost drunkard, and Ashley Cole will fall down and break something. It's outside midfielders will be anonymous and incapable of beating anyone on the dribble. Nacogdoche's finest export, Clinton Dempsey, will score two goals. It will be a historic victory. John Terry will cry, which is only fair, as he plays for Chelski and is a punk-ass who made a cuckold of Wayne Bridge.
I don't think you can cuckold a man with his ex
And about Chelsea? (No one says 'Chelski' anymore) Um...CHAMPIONS!
I say Chelski. And I should have known you'd support them.
Proud to be part of this listicle.
An honest answer, FOR ONCE, GODDAMMIT: I got myself a Tumblr in 2009, and at some point I decided to follow Matt. I likely decided to follow Matt because his Tumblr is named after a Fugazi song and he was posting so much Japanese free jazz in that lost summer. I do not know how he feels about The Awl now--maybe he is among the fold that think y'all "lost it" because you invited Republicans and Matt Cherette, but I remember once, in a marathon of bright days, he would make space on his Tumblr to quote every piece that entered The Awl's auto-refresh cycle.
I love you all except for Balk. That is a different sort of appreciation.
Actually I am of the fold that thinks they lost it when they let me start writing for them.
Matt thinks The Awl seems so smart but sometimes he worries about The Awl.
The Next Exciting Matt Ealer Article on The Awl!: Why You Should Listen to Dude Ranch and Cry with Me
@brad actually i think i may have gotten here the exact same way!
I visit because I am an eternal optimist.
Yes, this place can cure that.
I am not here.
who said that
Oh, forget what I said earlier. I'm here 'cos Mohney approved me as a commentard on Gridskipper and then Owen booted me from Gawker. But seriously, the Logo Contest? Still waiting on a winner!
this place is my salt lick
Are you trying to summon Salttooth with the power of suggestion?
I've been stalking Tom Scocca on the internet since his "Funny Paper" days for Baltimore City Paper. BTW, where's he been lately?
China!
Correct! He wouldn't like this put on the Internet, I'm sure, but let's just say he ate something incorrect in a foreign country and has been OUT OF ORDER for a week or so. EESH. However, there is also exciting Scocca news forthcoming in very very near future!
Either he got a book deal or he's pregnant again.
I am a trainer on the side, in fact, [and] I am heading to the gym in 26 minutes!
A propos of nothing: To borrow from that significant 90s cultural artifact *Bel-Biv-Devoe*, "Never trust a big butt and a smi-i-ille .."
It's so late in the comments. I feel lonely. Hold me.
And get me a drink.
Somebody give this lady a star.
Now THAT'S what it means to be an Awl commenter.
Fin.
Don't despair Sarah. I think these comments will run longer than "Matt Cherette's Moving to New York."
Awl is vanity.
I'm more of an Apollonia, myself.
@Sarah:
(Art Yucko violently and swiftly kicks MACHINES in the cooling-vent)get off your antiquated CD Toaster and fix this poor, delightful lass a higball of whatevershelikes.
I've spent a long time waiting for someone with the smarts and gay sensibility of a 'Choire' with the sensitivity and overall malaise of a 'Balk' - the Awl serves my needs in meantime.
Oscar Wilde is dead.
:( / *call me
I was told there would be punch and pie.
LAST?
nobody comment after the comment below this
i mean after notandersoncooper's comment
I'm only here to be vaguely unpleasant.
(See above.)
Ok, now I empathize, Miles. I think we learned some important lessons here: no one is ever going to be last on this one, and boners trump awl.
LASTER AND LASTERER.
LASTIFIED
Lastimus et Spiritus Sanctis.
Boner!
You're famous!
Oh, congratulations dude! That's so awesome for you!
/sarcastic
It felt like seeing my cousin standing behind Al Roker!
Accept Awl
you'll be given love
you'll be taken care of
you'll be given love
you have to trust it
maybe not from the sources
you have poured yours
maybe not from the directions
you are staring at
trust your head around
it's all around you
Awl is full of love
Awl around you
Awl is full of love
you just aint receiving
Awl is full of love
your phone is off the hook
Awl is full of love
your doors are all shut
Awl is full of love!
Awl is full of love
Awl is full of love
Awl is full of love
Awl is full of love
Awl is full of love
...
Can we get Bjork to do a guest post?
Maybe Bono and Bob Geldoff could be full-on guest editors:
A Very Special Edition of The Awl with Particular Attention given to the War and Famine Ravaged Continent of Africa
Or, a post for HiredGoons to share more from his journal?
She just DJ'd this weekend at Above the Auto Parts Store, so... maybe!?
Nobody wants to read my journal.
It's dark and alienating and far too derivative of the Necronomicon.
@Goons: Maybe she'll DJ the Commenters Ball!
Awl paths lead to Buddha
@Dorothy: I doubt it!
When you said "Friend of Dorothy" up there, I know you didn't mean me. :(
But it still makes me glad to pretend.
Wishful drinking!
Oh yeah?
I "knew" Choire and Balk from Gawker, read that they were starting a site via Ken Layne and have been hooked ever since.
I stay because I get to read funny, smart, goofy, memorable things, written by people who can really write...and that's including the commentators.
My fantasy is to hop on a plane and meet all of you. So Jolie, if you ever plan that party, I want to be there.
Want to show off my low number and remind y'all I took my name from the very first banner add. Who's a booster?
I've also killed some mighty threads in my day.
No way. This thread could go on for miles klee
withelectrolytes, you like money AND sex? We should hang out.
WILL NOT YIELD
I left Gawker for the Awl when we took that trip to Argentina together. I remember how we fell in love when I became afflicted with an intestinal blockage . . .
(Too insidery? Or just too old?)
I remember you told Gawker you were hiking the Appalachian trail.
But you took the poodle and I will never forgive you; even though I am one of many I am loved.
I'm just here for the keyboard smashes.
I didn't even know this had a connection to Gawker at first. I came and I stay for the pitch-perfection.
Dallas Braden, is that you?
I was told there'd be punch and pie.
Found Gawker eons ago, still read Gawker but also follow the writing and writers over here and in other places. I also miss being a recipient of the daily emailed newsletter thing...Love the Awl though!
I just scrolled down here and left this comment only to be a douche and apologize to Maura for dissing Sleigh Bells on my Tumblr.
SIKE!! I'm just playing
PBR FOR EVERYBODY
I want to be the commenter with the most cake.
Um, THIS IS SPARTA!?!
*realizes that not only is a "300" reference kinda' idiotic but that no one will ever get it unless he mentions it* *smacks head on keyboarsldkfha['orifha*
I don't know how I made it here. I do know that I rarely (once) comment because everyone is so god damned funny and why bother? I am staying because I am convinced that Sauer is my next door neighbor in my Wisconsin town. Which makes me a Real American.
This is possible!
If you two care to meet me halfway on 80 (I'll bring a bottle of McCormick) we can get shitfaced/steal a golf-cart/do grass-donuts at the Crow Valley Country Club in Davenport (Quad Squad!)
Daily Intel looks like a fucking nightmare.
Funny crowd there, and not in a ha-ha way, unless it's about Gossip Girl.
I think I've left maybe one comment total. This is number two! But I lurk everyday. Y'all bein watched, y'all.
y'awl
forgive me. I clearly don't belong here.
Dude I was just tryna be ampliative is al/wl.
" ... with razzleberry dressing."
Still thinking about Choire's hair, huh?
Lost a bet.
...and it's going to take me a while to read this thread.
Totally takes a while, but it's kind of worth it?
Just got here! Still reading!
I Googled "Neck Face" in 2003 and ended up on lindsayism.com. The rest is history.
I was looking up ways to fancy up my leather belt and this site popped up.
Turns out the Awl is just an elaborate way for you to check if your phone is working.
I came for the good pastries but stayed because 99.99999% of the internet is such dull bollocks I have nowhere else to go.
TMFTML!
It's getting all FoxyMoron (something I never understood) up in here.
This reminds me of the time LolCait wrote a bunch of really funny shit.
@33, @69: DON'T YOU DARE.
I got executed on Gawker once. Even though I was resurrected I'm still bitter.
When I was a kid, 200 years ago, the decisive sign the teacher had lost control was that the kids started talking about whatever had been on TV the night before. That had happened at Gonker, creepingly, some time before the Awl came to be. (Nobody goes there anymore; it's too crowded.)
So, why is Gus going out of his way to protect Walt?
Have we really seen the last of Gale, or is he going to be all disgruntled by how Walt treated him and flip?
I'm just writing a book.
Don't know what the rest of you are doing.
*looks at news* If I had to guess, looks like someone got Humpty Dumpty sloppy drunk at Spring Break and pushed him off the balcony.
I want to learn new German words. So far there has been a lot of suggestion about creating them, and very little follow-through.
I am here because I am a winner, and I have been winning at commenting since 2005, when I was known as John Connor. (Apparently I was winning at commenting before you actually needed to be funny to win at commenting.)
OMG Are you kidding. You are THE John Connor?!
I remember your work from the 05-06 season!
We're not worthy!
We're not worthy!
Yes, yes I am.
And, to return the admiration, I now routinely use "promosexuality" to describe the unholy marriage of Hollywood marketing and gossip.
Ahem, and then there was also the nice person who told you about a certain seriously beta project.
Well, yeah, if you want to get all technical.
Nah, we're good. In fact, I'll stand you a drink at this Awl shindig.
LAST! No, but seriously folks, I've had this love/lust for Choire and Balk since '05 so I'd pretty much go anywhere they went.
Choire has my esteem and affection because when Michael Jackson was arrested in 2003, his mugshot reminded me of an elderly Joan Crawford pic, and within 20 minutes of the news I slapped the two together and sent it to Gawker. Choire liked it, used it there ("rawk!") I think he replied) and approved me to comment. (I was later executed, but hey.) Can't believe that was seven fucking years ago, but my fondness remains for him.
But I read the Awl every day because scanning the daily page, I always end up opening at least six tabs and reading each one. Fine, often funny writing and truly interesting points of view, about sometimes esoteric subjects that I dig. It's a great thing going. Thanks for the swell reads.
OMG. Haha, that was you? Hilarious! That was really funny.
'Twas. Amazed you remember! Thanks again, it was a thrill, and been rooting for you ever since, for yr kindness.
I overthink things.
I was doing research on how Louis Braille went blind, and I just wound up here.
touche.
I nearly make a Louis Braille comment every day.
Started reading Gawker in 2005, got approved for commenting on my first try, then rarely commented again, because it seemed too hard to keep up, especially when that dude LOLCait showed up. Followed Choire and Balk here, and have never commented, but have to now, to find out my commenter number. BTW, I had completely forgotten about that newsletter I was promised. Lemon squares and copious amounts of booze will make up for it.
Lolcait is a DUDE????
@ish- better yet, a Gawker employee.
I began reading Gawker around the time J.P. Morgan locked America's bankers...no wait, it was around the time J.P. STERN was in some sort of brouhaha with someone about something, paying him to keep some product out of the supermarkets or something.
Gawker has sucked since forever (though I still peek) and this (awl) is actually better than the good old days of Gawker.
Add that to your market research binder!
I really liked that Butterfinger ad.
with electrolytes?
I would like a newsletter, please. Thank you.
Our name is Legion, for we are many.
if you have a party, have it when i am in town (last full week of
may).
ditto. :)
...many who miss the newsletter.
(from another longtime lurker, very occasional commenter - I was sorta-memorialized in Managed Expectations though, I guess that counts for something?)
i wonder if i will maintain my perch as the last commenter.
wow dokuchan. you are almost a neighbor in numeric terms. two oft silent readers, moved to speak.
I was just coming back to write last!
And yes, such close numbers.
to be serious, i come here to read intelligent bits and pieces. i like the apology guy, the gardener guy, bear stuff, writers and jews and old people.
we're just west coasting (I assume), hanging out in the empty room, scrounging around for leftover booze...
actually, east cost here. lots of stuff in my room. prefer weed.
but i do usually read the awl late at night, and often leave last comments drifting into insignificance....
last
You wish!
An addendum: I started as a regular reader of Gawker back in the Spiers era in 2003. I kept reading it through the various editorial roster changes, added AMC's Wonkette and Lisanti's Defamer, and got commenter privileges fairly early. I basically never commented, though -- shy in real life, shy on the Web. I commented some on Slashdot, but that was for an audience of my fellow geeks. I had acquired most of an English major earlier in life, but that only allowed me to see the flatness of my writing style. I'm content to read the sharp wit of others.
When I found that Balk and Choire, probably the two best voices among the many great writers Denton recruited, were setting up their own shack, I was happy but pessimistic -- like a great new neighborhood restaurant, I tried to enjoy it as much as possible, as the odds of survival were not good.
I'm happy that the Awl seems to be thriving and growing -- happy not just for Choire, Balk, and Cho, but for what it says about the Internet and the ability of the best voices to find an audience.
I'm no longer a grad student, so I can't keep up with all my RSS feeds anymore, but I could sure go for some lemon squares.
"Goddamn fucking lemon squares," please. Made in a fucking 9x9" pan.
Can someone explain to me this lemon squares joke?
Just assume sarcasm, dude.
Can someone explain to me this lemon square joke with lemon squares?
@135: So YOU are the other bookend!
@Cho: If you have to ask, you'll never know.
Cho
Lemon Squares: a peace offering made in a comment thread that's gotten especially out-of-hand or ugly; coined by commenter Supergoddess. "Lemon square?"
http://gawker.com/5022007/look-we-made-you-a-gawker-glossary
@Cho: It's not a joke dude. Sheesh. (Kitten gave you the provenance, but there's more to it - I used to make lemon squares for the Gawker parties I threw, and would also bring them to various Internet-y events and such. They're just a thing. Also: Sometimes I miss being known as 'the supergoddess' but not really all that much.)
You're always a Supergoddess to me, Joles.
I come here for Balk's filthy mouth and Choire's filthy mind.
Thwarting Capt. Fantastic's desperate bid to be 'last' is just gravy.
388 comments and counting. What on Earth could ever be that interesting? Oh, shit, sorry...
also, coyotes.
just putting that out there.
Needs more cephalopods though. That's my only complaint. They're so crafty for invertebrates...
last! again!
Is it the picture of Will Smith? Is that why this is happening?
LAST
Still no.
I still read you both -- although now that I have opened a restaurant, I don't have much time for anything much to speak of?
Anyways: you're both extremely interesting and colorful, most always.
Gawker's new format makes the comments almost meaningless, though. Don't follow their lead about that!
Very best,
Please to tell us about your restaurant and where it is so that we may frequent it, yes?
DOES YOUR RESTAURANT HOST WEIRD AND AWKWARD PARTIES?
Well sure, Dotty (if you'll allow the familiarity.. I am a fan of yours)... it's in Charlottesville, has Mediterranean inclinations (Spain, France, Italy).
If you show up -- please make your presence known! I will be there. (I'm Always there... don't do such things unless you are prepared to!)
www.caminocville.com
(434) 293-2323
(website still is in its infancy)
Best,
I've been to Charlottesville! (And I utterly adore the familiarity.)
In fact, my Honey was actually born there. And the next time I am there? You can make DAMN SURE I will be coming to your restaurant.
Damn sure.
(p.s. I will make sure to be bellowing La Marseillaise upon my entrance. That'l suffice to make my presence known, yes?)
That place does look great! I wish I knew-I was just driving through Charlottesville two weeks ago, looking for something to eat. (Man, 426 comments. That's a lot of comments.)
Damn. I was in C'ville LAST WEEKEND. I blame Doree for not writing her article last week.
Bien sur!
(Too funny -- seems like everything about this town is like that... maybe you already know what I mean?)
(I was just hoping to get a handle on... your handle?)
But truly, your menu looks absolutely delicious! And I definitely WILL go to your restaurant next time I'm in VA!
I get all tingly when I read "commenting engine."
(@multi, because I have no idea where the commenting engine (shiver) will put this..
500. Who's with me.
I'm with you -- it's a nice round number. I came and stayed because Awl has different layers of seriousness and maturity and give-it-a-try and civility and intelligence, and I like watching those layers interact.
Oh, I agree. Like many here, I would have followed Choire and Balk anywhere. But Awl has its own personality now. Awl is a living organism. Awl may cause fits of laughter and spontaneous crying. Do not taunt happy fun Awl.
WILL NON SEQUITUR FOR LAUGHS
(ALSO, FOOD)
Overly late to the party, but for the sake of Cho's clicks and data. TRUE STORY. I had been an RSS lady in life, in general, hitherto Balk's shorts query. I registered and everything, but ultimately balked. Because I was nervous! About saying stupid things on the Internet! God, look how far I have come .. thanks to you Awl, I am on my way to discovering my full dumb-verbosity potential!
Awlways room for +1 more verbose mouth(feel) at the dumbening!
I came for the fucking steak, stayed for the motherfucking pie.
I think you've unlocked the best the internet has to offer.
Well, I've gone and replied to the wrong thread. Not that fucking steak and motherfucking pie aren't awesome.
I was stalking Balk's Cock and learned to cook in the process.
PROBABLY NOT LAST
Give it up dude. You don't have the stomach for this kind of fight.
Structural eLASTomeric Bearings and Resilient Seatings; P.Grootenhuis; Polymers and Polymer Construction Thomas Telford House, London; 1990
Ha, this thread is like some kind of fraternity basement where you go down the next morning and are like, "Wow, you guys are STILL HERE DOING DRUGS?" I mean that in a good way!
You want to hit this shit?
I may or may not have sleep-commented overnight. ...Or it could've just been insomnia due to alcoholism. Either way, Science says it's going to kill me sooner rather than later, per your inspirational weekly Science updates!
We Built This City.
Call me Uncas, son of Chingachgook, because I am going to be the last.
MANTOOTH, GO TO BED!
If I had a nickel...
You are all dirty whores. I'll give you all my money.
I was just looking for the 3-day weather forecast with a sidebar on how it might (or might not) reflect the meaning of life.
I don't recall what first led me to Gawker back in 2006. Jessica made me a Gawker commenter September 12, 2006, in exchange for a tip about a downtown restaurant "honoring" 9/11 with a special meal in which proceeds from JUST dessert would go to the Twin Towers Orphans Fund.
http://gawker.com/200060/911-flackitude-soldiers-on
"Sigerson Holmes" lasted for a year or so before Balk executed me under orders from the Gawker marketing department (I think I urged non-compliance with a commenter survey) but Choire reinstated me the same day.
http://gawker.com/260965/this-week-in-gawker-redundancies
After Balk, Choire, Doree and Emily left Gawker, I had a separate bookmark folder called "Former Gawker Editors", so I could read Emily Magazine, follow Choire's links to his L.A. Times interviews and see what crap Balk thought wasn't sufficiently sophisticated to post on RadarOnline. Doree and a friend came up with "Postcards from Yo Momma" which was a perfect blog-to-book concept that promptly sprang into reality. At some point early last year, I think Emily posted a short link to The Awl and I immediately signed up for an account.
I have never met any of you people (although I did invite Choire to my weekend house on a whim) or spoken on the phone or had an IM chat. I think I'm facebook friends with some but can't really be sure. And that's it.
Sigerson Holmes? THAT sigerson? "You have perhaps heard of the adventures of?" God, I love that.
sigerson, you're famous! On the internets! Who'd a thought back in school...
What the hell? I stay off the internet for ONE DAY and y'awl have a commenter orgy/party-planning without me!?!? I was recovering from dental surgery, for chrissakes!
Anyway. Have the commenter's ball on a thursday or friday night. I will come up from DC for that shit, but due to complexities, it must be on thursday or friday. Friday is preferable. I will bake.
Also, I wound up here the same way I got hooked on most enjoyable activities in my life: through my bestie Matthew. Who only reads this on RSS so he doesn't comment. He is also responsible for my Gawker commenting. Jezebel was my own fault, but I fixed that!
I was off the Internet for 2/3 of the day that Balloon Boy happened--I totally get it. Did you have your wisdom teeth cut out of your face? I just made my appointment, and am trying not to google potential horrors :|
I had one wisdom tooth removed. It was an emergency removal! (The details are boring and nasty.)
Under no circumstances, whatever you do, do not google "dry socket." Just do absolutely everything you can to avoid getting "dry socket."
I am currently living in mortal fear of "dry socket."
I will definitely not google the aforementioned. My sister had an emergency removal prompted by some horrible mouth explosion. Yeeeesh.
Also, in the ever-present theme of loneliness on this forum? I haven't been quite as ashamed, to date, as I was when I had to give the name of my +1. I nearly asked if they have people for hire, for the people who have a shortage of people.
My idiot friend lit up a cigarette as soon as he was out of the dentists after having his wisdom teeth out. He had dry socket within a day and a half, and I had no pity. None.
Well that's put me off solid foods for another two days at least.
(last)
Hush.
Not a chance Goons. This is going to take years and I am the only one who is going to see this to the end.
Love,
Uncas.
I'm here for the Limp Bizkit videos.
I'm here for the Juggalettes.
I feel compelled to reach 500.
LAST
There can be only one.
see you at the quickening
I came... and then I told him I had a meeting in the morning, so I had to go.
I was told I could learn how to cook a fucking steak and then BEARS and Jungle Juice kept me around.
Took for effing ever to log in (maybe due to my four digit number I am less preferred, yes?) but I came to The Awl via random Interwebs link and stayed for the quality. The quality writing, the quality music (thanks, Dave Bry) and the quality commenters.
I'm a non-NYer so give us types plenty of notice on that Awl party so we can book tickets. k, thx,bai!
Also, I think I am in love with THE MACHINES.
i have secret crushes on several that frequent these pages, but reserve my love for goons.
YOU CAN DO IT, ZOMBIE THREAD. 8 MORE TO GO.
If there is an actual party with actual drinks and actual lemon squares (and actual Jolie?) with actual details buried somewhere in these 490fuck comments, that would be very upsetting. Because I have a hard enough time keeping up as it is.
It won't be buried in the comments. Promise.
for lemon squares, I will happily put ice cubes in my wine.
Yes please give due warning as to the party time and date. Some of us have to hitch up our ponies and ride out from Portland. Plus buy enough dry ice to keep those lemon squares cool as we travel through the plains to pick up Abe.
Not that I regard this as a particularly bad thing, but you do realize Abe's going to end up headbutting someone, don't you?
But you know else is coming to New York from the heartland? Matt Cherette! It's true, I read it on Mediaite.
I think it really says something about Abe, that so many people are willing to pick him up and drive him across the country. Please don't forget Zach P., though.
Multi, Goons and Abe: first meeting
http://tinyurl.com/2dtd977
Oh I definitely look forward to the headbutting and the awkward IRL disagreements at the party...I foresee he and I getting into an argument over whether Illinois truly constitutes "the heartland". Then I throw a bourbon ball at him.
Just doing my part to further the zombie thread!
"I musta taken a left at Albuquerque."
"See? You are the reason there's no left in Albuquerque."
@dokuchan: considering heart disease is the number one killer of american men, what could possibly be more the "heart" of america than Illinois?
I think Abe and FEK should set up opposing laptops, the way two would play the game of Battleship. A live comment fight. We could all circle around. The deepest of us will shed tears.
Since it's so close to 500...
Defamer→Gawker→Awl
in comment 500, no one can hear you scream
Are we there yet?
^ that was it. :D
If a comment bear relieves himself in the woods...
When we hit 500 will the auto-refresh finally stop? Please, make it stop....
I started reading Gawker in 06 when my best friend from college told me it had all kinds of awesome gossip about Lindsay Lohan. I quickly realized that Lindsay Lohan is actually Balk's Cock.
I came to the Awl to enter the logo contest, stayed because I'm still waiting to find out if I won.
(Entirely possible this joke's already been made. Comment thread has gotten a little tl;dr.)
Don't be a wuss, del. READ IT!
Okay, FINE. Give me a minute.
Oooh, there's going to be a party?
You see the wonderful things that can happen?
i missed this AND the danzig post yesterday. #fail.
Penultimate.
Holy shit. 516 comments? I completely missed this yesterday.
And to think, this didn't even have anything to do with Matt Cherette possibly moving to New York.
This reminds me of the time Spinderella stabbed me with her Treo.
And you READ IT, too, Hipp!
I'm at work, sorry! I'll read it tonight.
Anyone make the "FIRST!!" joke yet?
Don't try to catch lightning in a bottle, Hipp.
The Morning News kept linking to this fine site, and I eventually started to read this more. What else can I say other than that I'm a gay guy (single!) in his mid-twenties (who lives with his parents!) with a tumblr (you've probably followed and unfollowed already!) and who owned your ass in the March Madness pool. Oh, and thanks to my new job in a mid-major department store I found out about this post almost 24 hours late!
Fine. LAST.
So, uh, what's everyone, um, wearing?
To the Commenter's Ball, sinners!
A kilt and sword because I am taking the head of the Kurgan, Miles Klee.
Something spandex. I will need room for lemon squares and pink pants off punch.
Speedo, nipple clamps ... you know, the usual.
Oh wait ... you meant to the commenter thing? I thought you were asking what I was wearing right now. Never mind.
Nametag/lampshade.
If someone wants to really "LAST" this bitch up I will totally take a bribe to turn off the comments. But that doesn't mean Choire won't take a counter-bribe from someone else to turn 'em back on.
Hmmm. I think we've found the business plan!
Yeah, blowjobs aren't gonna pay the electric bill, Alex.
And just think -- you only need, like, three really WELL HEELED uniques for that business plan! It would be like some fantastical Cold War bidding war at Sotheby's in a 007 novel! Except, you know.
I'll give you a Matt Cherette and two Brian Moylans!
What will a Maura Johnston and fourteen 1990 Fleer Ben McDonald rookie cards get me?
@KT: 30 minutes of Choirecam or a Daniel D'Addario obit.
This site comes equipped with a comment-shutoff switch?
Is that for use in case of emergency - like if the site springs a comment leak or something?
Or in case it bursts into flames? (Ha)
LAST
(to be continued...)
Juan Ramirez did not die in vain.
Balk's Cock phoned me drunk at like 2am yelling about the end times, so naturally I figured that he was running a new venture. And so, here I am.
Love you mean it!
Lets get another 3700 comments on this post, and see if we can ring in 100K--
SACRED GROUND, HIGHLANDER
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!
ONE ONLY
Well, today I came here looking for insightful commentary on this: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/england/manchester/8679063.stm
But I see it's too late for today. I'll be sure to check back for my usual knifecrimeâ„¢ updates on the morrow.
You only have one life! If you value it, go home!
Makes sense this thread has legs, it's asking the three oldest questions of humanity:
1) Who am I?
2) Where did I come from?
3) Where am I going to use this really good dick joke I thought of?
My answers are:
1) Pass.
2) As for so many things, blame Gawker.
3) Shit now I forgot it.
I am Connor MacLeod of the Clan MacLeod. I was born in 1518 in the village of Glenfinnan on the shores of Loch Shiel. And I am immortal.
next you'll be telling me you saved some girl during the holocaust
can we just cut to kurgen's (sp) new york city tour?
I'm not sure how I ended up here, as I never commented at Gawker, however, I was hooked by the writing and the commenters. You all kept my sanity at work, even the one time I had to kick the surge protector off with my foot because I couldn't figure out how to stop an auto-play ad and my boss walked by. Which is all to say, of all the internet I navigate, this is my favorite place.
Please don't ever change because I can't safely increase my medications any higher. [just kidding] [praying for your balance sheet] [$$$] [not in NYC, so if a party occurs someone better take pictures and/or drunk dial me]
funny I feel like you're one of the usernames I remember from Gawker. Could be that I am losing it. I'm someone who never (hardly) commented at Gawker either.
Heh, nope, not me :) That might explain why no mobs have formed chanting "Outsider! Outsider!" and run me from the site, though. For which I'm thankful.
Oh sure, have the party in New York. Sayitwithwookies, you're from Toronto, right? *call me at my igloo
LAST
Miles is getting his meat slicer...
SHINK
SHINK
SHINK
SHINK
aren't we supposed to hear a humming and a whirr in between each shink? Haha oh wait, no, you just oiled that motor up that good.
HINDMOST!
Latterest!
THE FUCK IS GOING ON HERE
I actually thought this was the most appropriate comment to be LAST...
Just to be clear, I AM NOT LOSING THIS BATTLE. I never went to college, so according to this asshole:
http://gawker.com/5537576/comment-of-the-day-the-case-against-college
I am way fucking ahead of you awl.
Closing time - time for you to go out, go out into the world.
Closing time - turn the lights up over every boy and every girl.
Closing time - one last call for alcohol, so finish your whiskey or beer.
Closing time - you don't have to go home but you can't stay here.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...
Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from.
Closing time - this room won't be open 'til your brothers or you sisters
come.
So gather up your jackets, and move it to the exits - I hope you have found
a
friend.
Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning'send.
Yeah, I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...
Closing time - time for you to go back to the places you will be from...
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
I know who I want to take me home.
Take me home...
Closing time - every new beginning comes from some other beginning'send...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xGytDsqkQY8
*turns off the light*
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SmapdWCkNLo&feature=related
Not by a long shot. There is a fisting coming. MILES! FACE ME LIKE A MAN!
Like Lost, by this point I'm just too invested in this site and the mystery of who #1 is. I think it's Cat.
It's either Cat or Balk's Cock. Or whatever Cho holds most dear, but unlikely.
Holy shit? Is this The Prisoner. Patrick McGoohan? There can BE ONLY ONE!
Here you go: http://www.theawl.com/subscriber-comments.php?user_id=1
It's like pulling back the curtain, ain't it?
It is like pulling back the curtain! I am disappoint.
Wow, that was a fun little exercise. In case you're wondering, the lowest-numbered, doesn't-work-here semi-regular commenter is... Alison!
Somewhat disappointing to learn about #1, but also illuminating. And we can play fun math games now:
cherrispryte / Chris Lehmann = Choire!
(Extra bonus: "!' works both as a plain ol' exclamation mark, and also a factorial.)
Setec! My favorite commenter number math person! I'm half the commenter you are. [also, yes, #1 is disappoint; very clever katie :D]
@SYH: Awww...
But you're quite wrong--you're twice the commenter I am (or will ever be, I suppose, barring re-registration).
Unless some knifecrime happens at someone real late tonight, this thing has another eight hours as front page news.
MIDDLE.
Hey! I could have had a 3 (or maybe even 2) digit number! I was here from day one! Or the first week, at least. I coulda been a contender....
The end.
Not even close!
It's the afterparty, we've locked the doors.
Wake me when we get to the hotel lobby portion of the affair.
2 more to 600, mofos!
Erm, I mean 1.
...
I mean this one!
KURGAN! It is a new day. Face me.
No really, last.
Nope. I just got here, and I brought bagels and bourbon.
And if I AM last, more for me. (Sniff.)
NOTLAST! *flees*
I'VE COME TO COLLECT YOUR HEAD, HIGHLANDER
Nice to see you Kurgan. Who cuts your hair?
The sensation you are feeling is the quickening.
Spaniard, you look like a woman, you stupid haggis!
IT'S BETTER TO BURN OUT THAN TO FADE AWAY
That is fucking perfect with your picture. BTW, you're a good writer.
haha are you trying to flatter me into quitting
because that was totally disarming!
No I really mean it. Funny stuff and all of it well done.
BUT THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!
well shucks i had wanted to accuse you of having the manners of a goat but now that just wouldn't play
If there was a thousand picture slideshow featuring the interweb's greatest comments, I would undoubtedly give that site all one thousand pageviews in a futile search for my own.
[this comment included]
[looking forward to future halcyon days of five and six-digit commenters so I can feel more whole]
Long-time Balk fan from Gawker and non-Zombie Radar (I was there for the Orange Shit Fish). I have a friend who knew Choire long, long ago, so I Know Things about him. When Ken announced this place's opening, I simply had to come. Haven't regretted it for even a nanosecond.
I never felt cool enough to comment on Gawker. I still don't feel cool, but I comment anyway hoping one day to become one of the cool kids like you guys.
I have decided to keep a personal "weblog" of my thoughts here in order to bide my time until the others drop out. It is my hope that said "weblog" will serve not only as a pillar upon which I can rest but also as an inspiration to you all who would be LAST in your own thread. (Get your own.) This is my destiny. My Rushmore. My Grafitti Bridge.
Day 1- So very thirsty. Why didn't I bring a can of that delicious Limonata from home? It would slake my dry gullet and really compliment these dry Saltines I brought today. Why did I only bring Saltines for lunch? What was I thinking? And why does the Limonata go so well with Vodka?
complement*
FUCK!
Aranciata's not bad either
@Miles: Best one yet.
I am not here, for some reason. I am already trying to give up Gawker.
Although I'll be here with bells on for the Emily Gould "Cooking the Books" episode where she features Nic Musolino and his eggnog recipe! Miles of smiles all round!
I'm thinking she's waiting for my upcoming book Internet Commenting Etiquette for Dummies (HarperStudio 2011!)
Yeah, I think someone forwarded me the chapter list:
All Right, You Cunts by PartyPants
Lemon Square? By Hez
Leave Your Name at the Sound of the Phony by Mary Rambin
When Bad Mean Things Get Said About Completely Delightful People by Emily Gould
Chicken Soup for My Balls by Balk
Epic Boobs by Tiona
Now Class, Get Back in Your Seats by Hortense
I'm Fired by Shelia
What You're Wearing is Dumb and Stupid and I Hate It by Alex Blagg
It's Time to Throw Hot Coffee in Your Face by Matt Taibbi
I Did a Lot of Drugs Once by James Frey
Making Every Day a Special Occasion by Devorah Rose
The Ten Second Self-Trim by Rachel Sklar
Centerfold by Julia Allison (styling by one of the other ones)
In Place of a Comment I Have Filmed this Interpretive Dance by Jacob Lodiwick
Uh-Oh by Karen
Oops by David Karp
Paris Was Awesome by that Fucking Annoying Jesse Chick
Last Gay Before Freeway by Richard Lawson
Julia Looks Awful in The Centerfold by Jacy
My Ex Will Smack a Bitch by Richard Blakeley
Work for Me for Nothing While I Whack You with My Bobble Head by Nick Denton
Throwing Yourself off a Bridge for Fun and Profit by RollsRoyceRevenge
Index
Guide to Major Bridges
@RR: My faves are the Hortense one and Sklar's.
"We hate it when you say All of them on blind items, by All of them."
@RRR: You started out WAY the comment is coming from inside the backchannel.
And then you sorta ended up... sad trombone?
I just can't get a read on you! WHY WON'T YOU LET ME LOVE YOU?!
You guys? Where's mathnet?
Good question.
Who do you think is number-crunching all of this for Cho?
You know I wondered that as well.
I also wondered.
Has anyone turned on the mathnet-signal yet?
I KNEW we should have instituted an emergency-contact-listicle-buddy-system!
I suspect that MACHINES is keeping Mathnet under observation/restraint and is making (proper objective gender-pronoun here) perform electrode hamsterduty.
@Joles: NO JOKE! I thought about where Mathnet during all this WHILE IN THE SHOWER THIS MORNING!
Oh, Maaaaathyyyyyyyyyyyy...
I feel like Miles is going to start setting mouse traps in here.
i feel like with each new comment we are coming closer to the awl collapsing in on itself
deepest rabbit-hole yet
Your blog seems smart. But are you also worried about your blog?
comment no. 648
commenter no. 134
Clarence do you live in NYC?
Uh...yes?
What are you wearing?
The usual: hockey skates.
Yeah me too.
Well, don't just stand there, pass the fucking puck! I'm open!
@C-Ro: That's what they all say/
651
If you want respect, you've got to take it.
Go fuck yourself.
?
That was just a joke. Sorry.
Cause of the respect thingandwhatthatotherguysaidawwwwwnevermind.
*slinks away*
I laughed :) [it's the You Got Served tag-line, found while looking up dumb quotes for the latest Kagan article]
I followed a link here from SLOG (slog.thestranger.com), The Stranger's blog here in Seattle. This was reasonably early on I think? I waited awhile to get get an account and I'm in the low 4 digits, so there's that. I think you are all very funny and I've started unconsciously imitating Chorie's writing style. I don't comment very often because I feel like I lack The Witty, but I'm a regular reader.
Comment more! I am fairly convinced that half the things I say here are totally idiotic, but I keep biting the bullet and submitting.
Well that sounded wrong. But you know what I mean.
666!
Do you like the number 666? Consider yourself the Seventh Son of the Seventh Son? Perhaps you might like: http://summerofmegadeth.tumblr.com/
¡qué lástima!
Nice yurt you've set up here. Cushions, a sleeping bag, a little stove. Can't recall when I last saw something so cozy and rustic.
Hey Baroness!
Want some butter tea and jerkied yak pancreas? Pull up a stone, I want to tell you about my plan to decapitate Miles.
is this over yet?
Not even close. I've been carefully outlining my life story over the past few days and am finally ready to start serializing it on this post.
fitzgerald and dickens would be proud
ALSO LAST
MILES KLEE IS A LIAR.
Listen buddy, I'm just beginning to unpack the baggage from my childhood. So bring your listening ears and a box of tissues 'cause you ain't gonna be last.
On an unrelated note, you should bring a meat slicer to Commentor's Ball. That would freak people out.
i've been casing d'agostino and thinking of how to smuggle theirs out
Tuna I've decided to utilize this venue to document my flatulence and bowl movements.
*bowel*
@Miles: What, you don't already own one? Disappointed.
Miles, we meet at LAST.
Oh it's happening. I feel that tingling in my molars and I know it's going to start.
(grabs popcorn and comfy chair)
By the pricking of my thumbs something rumbling this way comes.
Mwah ha. Mwa ha ha.
Mwahahahaha.
...Miles?
When are we going to get that long-promised Matt Cherette update?
Oh! Also?
LAST
Someone toss me a flashlight, please
LAST of the Fauxhicans.
I am in awe.
LAST Exit to Brooklyn.
I loved it. It was better than CATS.
LAST Boy Scout.
Last Train to Cool.
me?
Nice Lasticle.
Lasticle With Too Many Comments
Day 2- Why did I forget to pack toilet paper? Now all I have to use are some of Matt's old comic book but they are so old the paper feels rough on my bum. Why doesn't he have any new comic books? I mean who wants the first Batman comic book anyway? that was like 60 years ago.
I don't like the shiny new feel!
"I'd like to thank the Academy. And God. By which I mean Denny O'Neil."
Choire, I'll make the same offer to you that I made to Balk. $75 shiny AMERICAN dollars to let me LAST this bad boy. With the agreement that you will accept no further bribes to re-open. Think about how much cat food that'll get you. Or you could have like 37 meals at Taco Bell! Let me end this post with the dignity it deserves and the love that the Awl needs.
I love that Choire is still up partying with us. Man, I can't wait until Balk wakes up and sees that we drew the back of a hand on his face.
LAST Of The Famous International Playboys.
FIRST after Clarence's LAST!
LAST.fm
Last Nite
#shameless_self_promotion
The Day LASTS More Than a Hundred Years.
Hmmmm/
Well lookee here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Last
LAST helicopter out of Saigon
Wait, you guys are still down here? What on earth have you been doing?
CLOSE THE DOOR THIS IS PRIVATE!
Now we're entering the paranoid phase which happens after 3 days of constantly being "online". The shrunken eye's the sallow expression, the pale, clammy, haunted face.
BTW, I'm in that M. Night Shamaladingdong movie, The LAST Airbender.
(The M stands for "Mike".)
There can be only one, McFly.
LAST Tango in Paris
Forget Paris.
The last time I saw Paris...
@kitten: You spent a night in her?
i just have to be part of this, it is like woodstock or something!
Who was that Mets outfielder a few seasons back? Got skewered for victory-lapping his first homer? Fans called themselves his "Milledge People"? What was his first name again? It's on the tip of my tongue...
Tonguetip Milledge?
Lastings Milledge. Now with the Pirates. Currently infamous for jogging a homer that didn't clear when the fireworks went off and getting run down between second and third.
LAST Kiss.
(smooches!)
We stay at this depth for too long, and eventually some bioevolutionary changes start to set in. Our bodies will have to adapt to changes in atmospheric pressure, and our skeletal anatomy will thus be rendered useless.
There will be some minor advantages. We will have a vast supply of microorganismemes available for consumption. Our bodies will develop the ability to synthesize the natural light emitted by the internet and produce natural phosphoresence.
Sustained existence at these depths may or may not protect our species from encroachment by MACHINES.
An (unnamed) Awl Commenter was kind enough to pose for this digital photograph, to illustrate:
http://api.ning.com/files/6QYNu2C0lspb-z6mbiTU-3vnU9RgYCkPpH5p3FOFZ6JhqbXFEZCuKxaAdTTxzXG-xohOZ*f2R5fRXiztBPvQe47APZKyWbU0/dumbooctopus1.jpg
http://api.ning.com/files/6QYNu2C0lspb-z6mbiTU-3vnU9RgYCkPpH5p3FOFZ6JhqbXFEZCuKxaAdTTxzXG-xohOZ*f2R5fRXiztBPvQe47APZKyWbU0/dumbooctopus1.jpg
OKAY FINE MACHINES. LET'S TRY THIS ONE:
http://www.emilydavidow.com/wp/wp-content/uploads/2007/10/deep3-500-1.jpg
Snooki's Diet Weapon: DUMBO OCTOPI
Art, http://www.tinyurl.com is your friend.
http://tinyurl.com/23k4jgg
Still meditating on "ning.com". if it's not a website it totally should be.
@Art: We go much deeper, we're going to start running into these:
http://tinyurl.com/27chjl2
@clarence: That thing ate Ed Harris!
@kitten:
http://tinyurl.com/6phqn9
This thread broke my Blackberry. So thank you Awl.
LAST Days of Disco
Whit Stillman, holler.
Voless un Gromits. Vilktrusa LASTS
There can be only one, McGruff.
Dammit. You made me waste one of my best ones.
$100 Choire! That's awl you're fucking getting. Plus, I get to pop Balk's mancherry!
I'm not even geigh but for $100, I am going to fuck something.
I know the cat's off limits, so unless you're willing to TOFT Balk is getting it!
Honey, if he bribed with you, he'll bribe on you.
$125!
OK... Jolie's trying to lure everyone back to the surface with Lemon Squares. I'm afraid my phosphorescent ink-sac will explode.
At this depth, it will take at least a week if you don't want to risk an arterial gas embolism. Those lemon squares will be stale by then!
Stay here with us, scuttling across the floors of silent seas....
Wait, is that a brine shrimp?
I predict a case of the bends.
this is the part of the submarine movie where the screws start popping out and shit
LAST'D
PETER COYOTE WATCH OUT!
@Clarence: The average Awl commenter couldn't possibly know anything about getting bent
I would have liked to have seen Montana.
Crazy Ivan!
I'm a quite disturbed to find you all here. This has to stop people. Where will it end? Huh? Just one more comment? Just one more? No!
You need to get a hold of yourself people. To help you, here is an eerily prescient passage from a Compulsive Gambler website's Q&A section:
"What is the dream world of the compulsive [commenter]?
This is another common characteristic of compulsive [commenter]. A lot of time is spent creating images of the great and wonderful things they are going to do as soon as they make the big [comment]. They often see themselves as quite philanthropic and charming people. They may dream of providing families and friends with new cars, mink coats, and other luxuries. Compulsive [commenters] picture themselves leading a pleasant gracious life, made possible by the huge sums of [followers] they will accrue from their 'system'. Servants, penthouses, nice clothes, charming friends, yachts, and world tours are a few of the wonderful things that are just around the corner after a big [comment] is finally made.
Pathetically, however, there never seems to be a big enough [comment] to make even the smallest dream come true. When compulsive [commenters]succeed, they [comment even more] in order to dream still greater dreams. When failing, they [comment] in reckless desperation and the depths of their misery are fathomless as their dream world comes crashing down. Sadly, they will struggle back, dream more dreams, and of course suffer more misery. No one can convince them that their great schemes will not someday come true. They believe they will, for without this dream world, life for them would not be tolerable."
Sure, you can pretend this doesn't apply to, you can bury your head in the sand and keep commenting, pretending the enemy at the gates is just another friend. Or you can stand up. You can fight for yourself. You can say I'm going to survive! After all you are fighting for your right to Live! To exist. And should we win the day, today will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: We will not go quietly into the night!" We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence Day!
"mink coats"?
I got an Awl mink coat? didnt you?
Is that sort of like a newsletter?
A newsletter trying to save those sinking into the murky depths.
Forgive me, I get a little oxygen depleted down here, and thus dramatic
and then we commented into the weekend
LAST man standing.
jesusfuckingchrist
I'm going to tell you right now Goons because you're a friend. LEAVE NOW AND DON'T COME BACK. You do not want to go down this hole. This will kill you and I like you Goons, I really fucking like you. So save yoursel! Get out now while you still can. CAUSE THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY AND THAT'S DOWN GOONS.
RUN GOONS! RUN!
your prayers and curses are useless below 700 comments.
Gonna YouTube this mofo into oblivion bwahahah!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WIUVj6Vxg0g
I win?!? Yes!! Woot! Woot!
Not by a long shot. missd.
There can be only one.
Grrr. Be thankful girlfriend's gotta grab some grub, now...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=20jvV-BPNSk
See you at the bottom.
LAST chance for alcohol before the highway.
I'm really frustrated because the day this went up I had barely any commenting presence on TheAwl and I totally missed out. I feel like that poor lesbian couple who showed up to fake prom and realized that people had a lot of fun without them somewhere else, only this time it is MY fault, not Homophobia's fault. Ack!
Approaching crush depth.
Nonsense. The ship is fine. The pumps are working. Miles and his team are welding the reactor shut. Moscow will be pleased.
There can be only one, McDuck.
So the last shall be first, and the first last
Oh please.
the depth charges can't reach us down here
ABANDON SHIP!!
I just want to know what number I am.
Does anybody else hear that rattling in the ballast tanks?
Sicha filled those oxygen tanks before we left, yes?
What
Huh?
You arrogant ass! You've killed us!
Hai. glorp
Day 3- Slept in the cadet quarters between rosario and yucko last night. Yucko claims that he sleeps with his eyes open so he spent the entire night staring directly at me. Unnerving. Plus, I think rosario suffers from night terrors. For at least two hours he screamed "MILES DON'T HURT MY TAINT!" Swinging into the air with his eyes closed. Again, unnerving. Multiphasic remains gout stricken but he masturbates excessively for his "condition." Captain Jolie says we will encounter the Albanians tomorrow and sink their canoes to the bottom of the ocean. Matt continues to rub peanut butter in his navel and claims it gets him high. Very unnerving.
Plan on raping Balk immediately when we get back to shore. Sicha knows it's coming to him too, so I'll let that sword of Damocles continue to dangle. Taste the fear rainbow, Choire. Taste it.
Seriously, Miles, don't hurt my taint. Just...don't.
Shhhhhhhhhh. Shhhhhhhhhhh. There, there.
Just 10 away from 800...
this thread has been tainted
Puff, puff, PASS!
Las Taintula is a nice vacation spot I hear. Up near that dick Iceland.
It's halfway between that and the Sphincter Shore.
QUIET! Uncle Fritz will hear us.
The Hun is everywhere.
Someone just dropped 45 cents.
Are you sure?
Oh, yeah. A quarter and 2 dimes.
[THAT WOULD BE 800...]
eight hundred and LAST
20,000 Leagues Under the LAST
i like crab cakes
:( no hollandaise
There can be only one, Mickey Dolenz.
HOW CAN THIS STILL BE HAPPENING??
How could it NOT?
You make a convincing argument...
I came here because... hmm... I think Google told me to? It was late though, and about a week later I added the site to my "New Tab Thumbnails" next to Google Reader.
I don't comment because I'm a bit ashamed of having a high commenter #. Quite rational.
Oh, and... LAST.
Riiiiigggghhhhhttttt...
Yay, validation I exist online!
Doo-di-doooo-LAST-doo-di-doooo-I-WIN-da-da-doooooo...
I'm feeling so sleepy down here all alone.
LASTdance
Day 4- Couldn't write yesterday as I was locked in the brig. At the co-ed showers, Baroness caught a glimpse of penis and proclaimed "Good God! Those are the most withered genitals I have ever seen on a 37 year old!" In my shame, I quickly turned away from her and dropped my towel by accident. As I bent over to pick it up, Baroness saw my nine inch taint and screamed "Look at the size of that one."
I began to cry. Miles came to investigate and recalling his fondness for taint torture I pushed him and ran away. Later on, I found out that he had filed assault charges and that kitten was to carry out the punishment. With her cat of nine tails I received nine lashes on my nine inch taint.
Now, my taint looks like something that belongs on Delta Burke. My poor, poor perineum.
So, anyone know any good jokes?
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.
Actually, I'd welcome a depth charge right about now.
yeah, seeing as no one's going to get out alive anyhow
[puts head in Miles' meat-slicer, slices own head off]
Nonsense! Dorothy Mantooth is the only doomed one on this vessel.
Actually, I meant this:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depth_charge_(cocktail)
LAST call for alcohol.
Oh, it is ON!
And it is so not going to be cool.
Peter Rabbit would be wise to stay out of Mr. McGregor's garden.
LAST warning.
Not If You Were The LAST Junkie On Earth
Last?
In space, no one can hear you LAST.
thats' what I tried to say back at comment#500!
revenge is a dish best served LAST
There can be only one, Mick Foley.
Day 5- The meat slicer is a cold mistress to this old taint. There used to ole wives' tale about your taint growing a quarter of an inch for every year past 40. I worried about it for years until Miles "the Barber of Awl" did his "shaving" today. "In taint, no one uses cream." And then at LAST, it was gone...
"Last Year at Marienbad" NOW WITH MORE FART JOKES!!!!!!
I will never forgive you for the taint whipping.
Also, LAST gas for 60 miles.
sayittaint LAST
He who laughs LAST, laughs at Klee.
Now yawl are doing it on purpose. How juvenile.
THIS.
I always suspected you were a dandy.
BTW, I own an original of Warhol's LAST supper.
This might be the LAST straw.
Really, kids? This is still happening?
This nice guy finishes LAST.
But I LAST in the sack.
http://www.valtorta.com/images/michelangelo_last_judgment_750x671.jpg
I think I can see Christ's taint in that picture.
THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE, MICHELANGELO.
well played, Multi.
This reminds me of a joke, which I will cut-and-paste from here.
One Sunday, St. Peter and God were up in heaven having coffee and bagels and just shooting the breeze, when St. Peter saw a priest down on one of Earth's golf courses. He told God about this blasphemy, and God told St. Peter that the priest would be duly punished.
With St. Peter looking over his shoulder, God caught the priest's drive at the 10th hole and dropped it straight into the hole.
"That wasn't much of a punishment," said St. Peter. "He just made a hole-in-one!"
God laughed. "Yeah, but who's he gonna tell?"
Point being, how's whichever one of you has the last comment on this thread ever going to be able to brag about it?
By selling it to me for $75?
It's an Orffyreus Wheel in comment-section form.
I'm just proud (and shamed; yes very, very shamed) that you're still watching us from on above, Balk.
Is that some Zen thing?
My favorite musical is the LAST Five Years.
I hate the LAST Song by Nicholas Sparks.
There can be only one, Mo Dowd.
With apologies to Gordon Lightfoot...
The legend lives on from The Scratcher on down
of the blog they called "Choire's folly".
The Awl, it is said, never gives up this thread
when the skies of Springtime turn gloomy.
With a load of irony twenty-six thousand times three
than the Awl's servers held daily,
that good blog and true was a bone to be chewed
when the LAST of this post came finally.
So are we awl done here, or what?
But I was just about to do a beer run--
i know a place that's still open
Or if you want to take it off-premises, there can be only one, McSorley's.
I have $1.62 left.
the diet of onions and mustard continues!
what.
That gambling allegory was POOPY
The Rules of BLOG.
1st RULE: You do not talk about BLOG.
2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about BLOG.
3rd RULE: If someone says "stop" or goes limp, taps out, the BLOG is over.
4th RULE: Only two guys to a BLOG.
5th RULE: One BLOG at a time.
6th RULE: No shirts, no shoes.
7th RULE: BLOGS will go on as long as they have to.
8th RULE: If this is your first night at BLOG, you HAVE to BLOG.
GO TO BED P.
While I'm down here, I think I'm gonna take a crack at plugging this oil leak...
LAST days.
Over/under on 950 total comments on this post?
I'll take the over.
And raise you to 1000.
Ha! What's our wager? (Drink at Scratcher?)
Balk's totally gonna fuck this up for us, isn't he? Sigh.
Good. I got here before Mathnet.
Balk has just sweetened the pot on awl us bottom-dwellers .....
MACHINES CONFUSED.
I came here for the recipes, stayed for the weather reports. And to read the comments of many people much wittier than I fear I will ever be.
ALSO OVER HERE
http://tinyurl.com/2cglfeo
LAST OF THE MOHICANS
Copycat. I'm Uncas. I already said i was.
Lasteroni.
Lastitisio.
What a relief that management found a way to close this down before it reached the earth's spinning, iron core and was crushed.
I CAN STILL COMMENT!
Mr. McChoire: I want to say one word to you. Just one word.
Balkamin: Yes, sir.
Mr. McChoire: Are you listening?
Balkamin: Yes, I am.
Mr. McChoire: PLASTics.
This is like old times guys! I'm feeling super nostalgic for that time over at gawker on maybe a post by lolcait before lolcait was richard or something? But anyways, that didn't end either and it was good stuff.
I won't be the last, i just wanted to play.
Maybe this is all really a ruse so that C-Ro really will make his over?
TELL YOUR CABLE OR SATELLITE OPERATOR YOU WANT GAWKER TV.
888. AND COUNTING!
Omega
Deep
This was fun while it lasted!
BUT IT'S NOT OVER YET!
IT AIN'T OVER TILL IT'S OVER, MANTOOTH
I think what you meant to say was, it TAINT OVER TILL IT'S OVER?
Did we break it? (Does that mean we have to buy it?)
Only one MacLeod can be there.
I liked you better when you were defeated!
This is like the time NewToJezebel was reincarnated as American Dreamer.
That is not funny Karen.
I'm sad they're not letting this go to 1,000. I like even numbers so much, you guys!
She was there at the bar, she heard my guitar
She was long and tall, she was the queen of them all
Last night, thinking about last night
Last night, thinking about last night
She was dark and discreet, she was light on her feet
We went up to her room and she lowered the boom
Last night, thinking about last night
Last night, thinking about last night
Down below they danced and sang in the street
While up above the walls were steaming with heat
Last night, thinking about last night
Last night, thinking about last night
I was feeling no pain, feeling good in my brain
I looked in her eyes, they were full of surprise
Last night, talking about last night
Last night, talking about last night
I asked her to marry me she smiled and pulled out a knife
The party's just beginning she said, "Your money or you life?"
Last night, talking about last night
Last night, talking about last night
Now I'm back at the bar, she went a little too far
She done me wrong, all I got is this song
Last night, thinking about last night
Last night, thinking about last night
(Repeat to fade)
Last
At least now there's a chance we'll get to 1000! (Still no? Okay.)
Without giving too much away I will tell you all that you are for sure in the last leg of this race.
I really think you just enjoy stringing us along!
(Probably the first time I've thought that one.)
BASEMENT CAT WUNTZ HIZ HUNNERD TOUZAND.