10 Reasons Why You Should Give Me One More Chance This Weekend, by Russell Crowe
10. Shall we not begin with my exquisite and well-researched 12-century English accent for 'Robin Hood,' a la that f'ing ponce Edward I? It is magnificent and Ian McKellen will be having himself off repeatedly, engrossed in lust and self-hatred, in the theaters, even with his eyes closed, whilst just LISTENING to my squat and vulgar and entirely period-perfect vowels! I'm not dagging you around here!
9. I'm NAE SO CHUNKY any more, so you lasses have less to rest your eyes easily upon in my many naked scenes when I'm bent over using raw sheep fat to lube up my quiver. Ridley Scott, his camera loves my bum, that faggy poofter!
7. Am I the only Academy Award winner to be the target of an al-Qaeda plot? Yes I am. Even her holy artsy-fartsy fanciness Cate Blanchett can't claim that. Hoo, mates, ya shoulda seen that bitch getting in "character," with her deep breathing and her eyes crossing and her speaking in tongues.
6. 'ROMPER STOMPER' MOTHERFUCKERS.
5. Remember 'State of Play' and 'Body of Lies'? Yah, I know, I can't remember which is which either with their meaningless almost-a-pun but not quite a pun titles. Remember when everything was like that? It was right after all movies had a single, oh so evocative word for a title. That was a right boohai time. Well this 'Robin Hood' shite isn't like that shite IN THE SLIGHTEST, so therefore you should go see it. I did a right hard yakka on this one!
4. You know what "Robin Hood" is opening against? Some faggoty Amanda "I'm innocent but my rack is spectacular" Seyfried girl flick and an "urban" (THAT MEANS FOR BLACKS) comedy where Queen Latifah falls for a man, so what else are you going to see?
3. I'd give ya three more reasons right now but they're all BOUND UP IN MY TIGHTS, YA GOT IT?
Russell Crowe is AN ACADEMY-AWARD WINNING ACTOR, SUCKAS.
Looks like Russel got hungry for eight?
He's NAE SO GOOD at countin'.
Roger Ebert did not like it, though.
Hopefully Russell Crowe will not try to mock his cancer. Because that didn't work out so well for the last guy that did it. Ebert wins vs. anyone.
Whatever.
/Ducks
Wait, he lubed up Robin Quivers with some sheep fat? Wasn't that hard to do with her head up Howard Stern's ass?
Your take on this situation is bringing this to mind.
"Shrimp on the barbie."
Knifeback Steakhouse(TM)
Mmmmm mantights.
Can we talk about Meg Ryan? I'm concerned.
But also I'm scared about Meg Ryan.
I was rummaging through wikipedia articles on Academy Award winning movies and was reminded that Gladiator won best picture? What? How did that happen?
If you don't want shit to happen to you, don't rummage though shit, YA GOT IT?
Sae sorreh- Seyfried's Glorious Alabaster Rack FTW.
This is the best.
Crowe can't hold a candle to Errol Flynn. Even one rendered in Ye Olde 12th Century Mutton Fat. Avec or sans tights.
Also, he probably thinks anachronism is some kind of genetic disorder. Which, come to think of it…
I was all set to go see it until I got to the part about Amanda Seyfried's rack so now I have to go rub one out to some DVR'd Big Love eps.
ROMPER STOMPER MOTHERFUCKERS is right.