I know that most of you will be watching "Project Runway" on your DVRs or rereading "Middlemarch" during Sundays' Superbowl. But in the interest of helping you fit in with any football-lovers you may encounter, well, we can help. Just make sure to drop a few of these golden ditties.
BEFORE THE GAME:
1. "Dwight Freeney is the key. If he can't play, or plays but can't push coming off the edge, the Colts are going to have to get better interior pressure on Brees."
2. "I heard CBS was going to run a pro-abortion commercial, too. It starred the entire cast of 'Jersey Shore.'"
3. "If Reggie Bush is going to get to the House, he's going to have to be much more elusive in the Red Zone."
4. "The Saints defense is rated 25th in the NFL. That's below both the Snorks and the Smurfs."
DURING THE FIRST HALF:
5. "We might be witnessing the greatest aerial assault since Manfred Albrecht Freiherr von Richthofen held his 'Bloody April' in 1917!"
6. "Well, this game sucks. But there's only 11 days til pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training."
7. "If that gray ash stuff keeps the smoke monster away, why don't they sprinkle a little around the entire circumference of the island?"
8. "I haven't seen a Saint get burned on coverage that bad since Joan of Arc!"
HALFTIME:
9. "Man, I miss Prince-I mean, I miss Janet Jackson's rack."
DURING THE SECOND HALF:
10. "Peyton Manning is only pretending to change the play at the line of scrimmage. He's actually composing a Language Poem."
11. "The Saints' only hope is that, at some point during the third quarter, Caldwell decides to rest his starters for the offseason."
12. "That tackle was so homoerotic, it could have been a commercial for that Mancrush or whatever the hell it's called website!"
"I would like to take a snap from Kim Kardashian."
"Lady Gaga was very low key singing the anthem. Carrie Underwho? Oh."
Uh oh. Witty comments about football.
"Peyton Manning told Julia Allison he was giving her his phone number when it was really Rex Ryan's."
"I will turn the game back on only if you promise to never belch Kim Kardashians name again...and put your shirts back on your scaring the caterers".
Prince was the greatest half-time show in history and one of the top pop culture moments of the last decade.
Agree! It was raining and not only did he dance in what looked like 7 inch platform heels, the muthafucka DIDN'T GET WET. Awesome.
His aura of hotness immediately turns all raindrops in a 10-foot radius into steam. Saves on dry ice bills, too.
Man don't even tell me that leading off with Snorks before Smurfs is good comedic delivery! End with a surprise. And Snorks are definitely surprising(ly phallic).
or conversely the provenance of the Fleshlight
Right in the snorkhole.
That’ll move the chains!
Please tell me you also LOVED that skit. 'Cause I did. LOVED.
Hey! I resent that! I'm probably pretty typical of the Awl demographic (Brooklyn hipster/yuppie) but you bet your ass I'm going to be watching the football and eating nachos on Sunday.
Ooo! Nachos! with fresh salsa and cilantro and a little bit of coarse Mediterranean sea-salt!
Uh, I mean... BEER. YEAAAAAH!
For the beer, I'll have a Dogfish Head IPA, natch.
I'm making veggie chili nachos, so, yeah.
Drew Brees is hot and I want him to slam it in my box. Peyton Manning looks like a gremlin is trying to crawl out of his forehead from the inside. That is all.
Who the fuck posted this, a summa cum laude graduate of the Dennis Miller school of sports chat?
If so, he must've failed "Adding 'Chachi' To Everything You Say 101".
When a 60 year old Bruce Springsteen rammed his junk into the camera last year, that was sexy. When an 80 year old Janet Jackson had her booby exposed, not so much.
Lil' Wayne better not show his face, that's all I'm saying. Who dat?
The WHEN? The WHAT? The WHERE? The WHY? Oh, the WHO! What team's Blanda on?
Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo.
But Dick Jauron still sucks.
Who dat think dey can pass as a sports fan? Seriously, it's like trying to speak French in Paris. What are you going to do when somebody spews a stream of stats at you that ends in a rising inflection, so that you're pretty sure they're asking you a question?
For intelligent sports analysis, I recommend the NYT Fifth Down:
http://fifthdown.blogs.nytimes.com/
"Well, this game sucks. But there's only 11 days til pitchers and catchers report for Spring Training."
Indeed, say this. Because there IS only several ways to pretend you regularly read books, including Middlemarch.
You wanted him to say "there're?" GRAMMAR CURMUDGEON FAIL
It was "Adam Bede" actually, but thanks for mentioning the little people.