Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

How to Make and Eat the Perfect Cranberry Sauce for Thanksgiving!

Our pre-Thanksgiving cooking section has been, we hope, very helpful. Here, we show you how to make (and even eat!) the elusive perfect cranberry sauce-especially perfect for the single man alone at Thanksgiving.

81 Comments / Post A Comment

Alex Balk (#4)

You SEE what I have to work with?

David Cho (#3)
mathnet (#27)

"the best part is BALK DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE this happening."

Alex Balk (#4)

I was busy trying to help you people cut down on your drinking! And let's be honest: Those were NOT AT ALL unusual sounds coming from Choire's side of the office.

iplaudius (#1,066)

At the office this would be problematic. But in the privacy of my home, it was like nice butt-slurping noises.

This is the best best bessssst

mathnet (#27)


karion (#11)

Everything about this is the best. Goodnight, internet best.

Excellent use of Cat.

Tuna Surprise (#573)

You have to take the can opener and make a small opening in the bottom of the can so that air can get in and the whole thing slurps out in one gelatinous blob.

You and Tom Scocca can stop with your COMMUNIST BOTTOM-HOLE-PUNCHING IDEAS. Wusses!

Maevemealone (#968)

Awww…Cat the cat thought he was getting something good! I expect Cat to be featured heavily in the gravy and giblets run through.

Nothing says Thanksgiving like a can-shaped blob of cranberry sauce. Gotta have that can shape. Gotta have those "visible can ridges" down the sides. Just like in pilgrim days.

Choire, I'm happy to see you kept the blob in that "can-shaped form" while you ate it. That's what Thanksgiving's all about.

gotham (#1,572)

I like how Cat the cat knows whats up. look at that look he's giving you.

Bittersweet (#765)

He's hoping for some cranberry love. No such luck.

riggssm (#760)

All I can think of is the Are You Being Served where Mrs. Slocumbe says, "If there are any leftovers, my pussy gobbles them up in a flash."

HiredGoons (#603)

I've noticed you have yet to address the most controversial aspect of the Thanksgiving meal: mashed potatoes.

With or without skins?
Milk or cream?
What TYPE of potato?
Garlic, or suck it?

Inquiring minds…etc.

Also my cranberry Jell-O mold will kick your ass.

I make the recipe on the package of fresh cranberries and add vodka and walnuts. Though this year I am thinking of chucking tradition and making lobster.

HiredGoons (#603)

I also thought about lobster. Or dreamed about it.

Sorry but stuffing is much more controversial!

Brian (#115)

Heaps more disgusting than when Heklina ate canned dog food.

I'm wondering how something so disgusting can be simultaneously so arousing.

Dan Kois (#646)

Until I saw it all over Choire's hands I never thought about how cranberry sauce looks like viscera. Now I shall never stop thinking about it.

iplaudius (#1,066)

Stop showing off.

Rod T (#33)

My responsibility for Thursday is making the magic cookies. (This is according to an email received this morning after weeks of "oh dither dither we don't want to be too lethargic, maybe you could make a crisp". These faggot Thanksgiving are a pain in the ass.)

Anyway, I was thinking a cranberry pecan sandie, but I'm not quite sure. I've not baked with cranberries before. The key is to offset the tartness, right? Could one do a cranberry apple magic crisp? No, it has to be cookies as you want your guests to relax with a cookie upon arrival.

Maybe a blondie bar?

(Welcome to my lunchtime thought process.)

HiredGoons (#603)

A Crumble – trust me.

Bittersweet (#765)

Pear and cranberry are a good crumble combo – the sweetness in the pears nicely offsets the tart cranberries.

jolie (#16)

(Ahem. This seems like the appropriate place to do this.)

In 2009, I am Awlfully Thankful for:

Choire's question marks?
Bear videos
Lobster snuff porn
Balk's feeeeeelings
"Sometimes it's about cheese!"
Shadow Editors

Matt (#26)

Fluffernutter is always on hand
Blurry iPhone pics of Erykah Badu
Alex Balk and the Very Hard Job That He Created For Himself
Bear videos

jolie (#16)

Balk's unmolested chest hair
Over-the-knee boots
That video of Choire rolling around on the floor in short-shorts

Matt (#26)

The 'Kaiju' tag
Cat the cat
American Spirit cigarettes
Non-Mac computers

jolie (#16)


Matt (#26)

(Me admitting, right now, that I never actually watch the bear videos)

Matt (#26)

Kimono-clad gurus that emerge from billowing clouds of smoke

Matt (#26)

"You're posting comments too quickly, slow down."

garge (#736)

Shadow Editors, heartily seconded
Emily's contributions
Balk's writing from the perspective of X, including the monosyllabic Levi, for effort
and I laughed hardest at the Butt Bomber, of all things (and in spite of never wanting to type or say "butt bomber")

HiredGoons (#603)

+ Mary Choi

Bittersweet (#765)

+ Dave Bry's apology columns

Bittersweet (#765)

+ Abe Sauer

HiredGoons (#603)

+ JCPenney

ProfessorBen (#1,254)


Rod T (#33)

I've been looking for a place to say that Twilight was fucking bullshit. And that the horny chick should've kicked it with the Abercrombie chulo and the Natasha Vargas-Cooper and Mary HK Choi made me feel confident enough after 3 blood-orange margaritas with six of my boys to go see that piece of shit film with them and that I'm feeling betrayed. When the fuck is Feelingsofbetrayalgiving goddamit?

Matt (#26)


Rod, you KNOW that ish gave you like a thousand unsatisfied boners. Unpossible that it didn't.

Rod T (#33)

You see, that's the difference between girls that like boys and men that like men.

The aesthetic to which you, and Choi and the teen girls are craving is not anything remotely masculine. It is man denuded of all that icky “man” stuff.

I think teen girls have the concept of what they like in a man, but without actual knowledge of what a man is simply crave muscley, doofy versions of themselves that like motorcycles and cliff-diving. Once sexualized, they either learn to love the masculine quality…

Oh my god. Gender is complicated.

Anyway. No boners for those creatures. Except maybe the dad.

Antonia Capet (#2,372)

WHAT IS THE MAN STUFF? You hold secrets and must share them.

I was just thinking of this a few hours ago! (Great minds…) But rather than break it down, I'll just nod to the aggregate and say: The best, best, best thing in a difficult year was the birth of the Awl.

And if that makes me a sad sack, well, fuck you.

hockeymom (#143)

Well that makes us a threesome.
I concur.

jolie (#16)

I'm also really (TRULY!) thankful for Matt[#26] for being the best ever player at my reindeer games.

Matt (#26)

*holding you, Balkishly*

Rod T (#33)

Is someone dying their hair or do I have a bad memory?

hockeymom (#143)

My mom, who was an amazing cook, would make this incredible Thanksgiving meal every year. It was a combination of everything you'd expect (turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, etc) PLUS all sorts of Italian stuff from the old country. Our Thanksgiving meals ruled and all my friends would show up because they had typical, boring Midwestern meals, with dry turkey and Stove-Top Stuffing on the side.

But there was one weird thing. After spending days in the kitchen…and five minutes before we'd say grace, my mom would get out a can of cranberries, plop it on to a plate, throw a sprig of parsley on the side and put it on the table with a big sigh. One year we asked her why the cranberry dish was an afterthought and she said "Kids, anything that looks like hemorrhage on a plate, should not be encouraged".

HiredGoons (#603)

I think I love your mom.

kpants (#719)

Excellent. And goopy.

I can only lament that there is no Awl newsletter with which to nourish my inner aspect.

garge (#736)

I am a bit preoccupied with whether or not you will clean up all trace elements of stickiness from the table and floor. I am going to switch to decaf now, metaphorically.

katiebakes (#32)

I can't decide if I would rather this spawn YouTube copycat videos a la Single Ladies or YouTube reaction videos a la 2 Girls 1 Cup.

hman (#53)

Wearing a FRED PERRY shirt while sucking down American cranberry sauce for Thanksgiving is pretty ballsy.

BoHan (#29)

I usually deep throat Ben 'n Jerry's after a bottle of wine so as not to be so hungover the next day. So watching this makes me feel very fat but I hate cranberries. Maybe applesauce would work.

LotaLota (#1,703)

GodDAMMIT people, you'll do me in. I work in a library. Trying to keep quiet resulted in so much choking, they almost called an EMT for me.

And can I get a date with your cat?

garge (#736)

I have the same problem! Except that I work in Technical Services, so I am usually squirreled away, away from the public, where there are less holds barred.

No discussion of what a design classic the Swing-a-Way can opener is?

hockeymom (#143)

Or the opening the bottom of the can technique?

hungrybee (#2,091)

I just realized I cannot abide opening from the bottom of the can. I know it's arbitrary which is the top and which is the bottom, and it's all in how the label is glued on, but this is some weird recessive OCD thing that have just learned about myself.

Team Top!

HiredGoons (#603)

Tops vs. Bottoms.

hungrybee (#2,091)

Thank you for picking up on my new internet meme.

hungrybee (#2,091)

That was to HiredGoons.

Syan Reacrest (#891)

I have seriously never found Choire hotter.
Plus, we smoke the same brand, which explains a lot as to why he chain smokes, they are so damn light, it is like really expensive air.

HiredGoons (#603)

I, for one, would like to see Choire's keyboard at the end of this holiday season.

I would like to Cat the Cat on the keyboard.

FeyBoohoozer (#410)

gawd, after watching that, I just want Choire to take a big handful and smear it all over my body.

missdelite (#625)

And his.

FeyBoohoozer (#410)

definitely, for sure. sigh

shmooner (#1,796)


Sakurambobomb (#1,722)

Nothing could be more erotique than a splosh video involving Choire, a cat, and a few cans of cranberry. H-O-T!!!

jason rhyley (#2,354)

My apologies, Balk, but

fap fap fap fap

roboloki (#1,724)

but i'm left handed and have no cat!

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