Half Baked: White People's Artichoke Dip @3:46 PM
And now the second of our Super Bowl-applicable recipes!
Dear Jewish and/or poor friends—have you ever wondered what WASPs eat? Trick question. WASPs don’t eat! They drink. But they do like to put food out and feign eating. There are three WASP foodstuffs for setting out and feigning eating, but the one I’m here to talk to you about today is mayonnaise. (The other two, cucumbers and shrimp, are only around because they’re pink and green and cold, and WASPs like food created in their own image.) READ MORE 82
Dear Internet: How do I make my chicken taste like cafeteria garbage? @3:43 PM 7
Cooking the Books, with Emily Gould: Obsolete Methods of Making Cookies and Popcorn, with Anna Jane Grossman @11:10 AM
Cooking the Books, with Emily Gould, was shot and edited by Val Temple. This week's guest, Anna Jane Grossman, is the author of Obsolete: An Encyclopedia of Once-Common Things Passing Us By. (Previous episodes are here.) 11
How to Cook a Latke @11:50 AM
Here's how not to cook a latke: Buy them from Russ & Daughters where the "homemade potato latkes" are $2.99 each, or 10 for $25. TEN LATKES FOR $25? Are you high? Do you know what is in a latke? Also, a reheated latke is a bad latke. Fact! So here, have a seat—no, over there, by the menorah. Have a piece of gelt. Make yourself comfortable. READ MORE 87
A Reader Reports from the Kitchen: Steak and Mac and Cheese @11:25 AM
What happens if you actually print out our recipes for steak and mac and cheese and take them to your kitchen? One Awl reader, a lass by the name of Amy, decided to find out while back on the homestead for Thanksgiving. READ MORE 18
How to Make and Eat the Perfect Cranberry Sauce for Thanksgiving! @12:10 PM
Our pre-Thanksgiving cooking section has been, we hope, very helpful. Here, we show you how to make (and even eat!) the elusive perfect cranberry sauce—especially perfect for the single man alone at Thanksgiving. 81
Half Baked, with Tom Scocca: Stir-Fried Romaine Lettuce @11:10 AM
This barely is a recipe at all, which is the reason for it. Who is interested in cooking a side vegetable? But if you are feeding yourself, you need to include side vegetables or you will eventually develop chronic ailments. If you are feeding other people, they will be gratified by the variety and will feel properly cared-for. Multiple dishes! A balanced meal! Here is a way to do that with as little effort and attention as possible, and with only a minor amount of danger. You need: garlic. Salt. Cooking oil. One head of romaine lettuce. READ MORE 15
How To Cook A Fucking Steak @1:13 PM
Go to the goddamn grocery and get steak. Yes, the grocery. A little ammonia is not going to kill you, you pussy. You want to be all fancy and grass-fed and environmentally conscious, go ahead, I don't give a shit, just get a fucking steak. Ribeye is good. And, yes, bone-in. Schmuck. Take the steak home. Get a bigass frying pan and put the shit on the stove, cranking the heat up as far as that fucker will go. Take a shitload of salt—rocksalt, you dumb motherfucker, none of that fine-grained crap here—and toss it around the bottom of the pan. READ MORE 155
How To Barbecue A Turkey–The Super Easy Way For Morons @12:20 PM
Okay, so, now I will tell you the second of my four cooking secrets. (The first is pie crust. The third secret is how to make pizza, which I will tell you at a later date. It's a GOOD SECRET too. The fourth secret, however, might have to remain secret forever.) This cooking secret is: how to barbecue a Thanksgiving turkey. (Or a turkey for any occasion, but really, how often do you eat turkey?) Because, oh yes, gaze at the majesty of my barbecued turkey above, cooked for Thanksgiving '04, back when smoking meat was the hot new thing again, for NO apparent reason. Do you know how easy this is? It is SO EASY that you are going to feel sad for even owning an oven. Sort of! I will explain. Equipment required: wood. Asbestos gloves maybe. Aluminum foil. Any sort of grilling thingie. Maybe a gun. READ MORE 45
Stop Being a Wuss: How To Make Pie Crusts the Easy Way @10:00 AM
Today's Dining section brings a roundup of holiday dinner recipes for you wussbags who are too lazy or scared to make desserts with crusts. "Is it Thanksgiving if there is no traditional pie with a traditional filling and a crust that the cook obviously fussed and worried over?" asks Florence Fabrikant. The answer is obviously: NO, YOU HORRIBLE MONSTER, IT IS NOT. Are you one of those wimps who is afraid of a pie crust? Here, I will tell you everything you need to know right now, you whiny little girl. Yes, that is a picture of an apple pie that I whipped up the other week in about 8 seconds. Loser! Here are the tools you will need: NONE. READ MORE 94
