“When is it going to be enough stuff? When are we going to have enough?”
–Vancouver hairdresser and “haul video” star Teresa Ulrich, one of the women profiled in Tricia Romano’s look at the economics behind the improbably popular clips that detail recent shopping binges and other fashion acquisitions by young women all over the globe. You may not be surprised to learn that some of the featured companies sweeten the pot of “free stuff” with cash donations, some of which are under the table! Which would seem to make the answer to Ms. Ulrich’s question “never, or at least until the marketing budgets of every company in the world dry up.”

Seemingly inspired by the Friskies “Adventureland” commercial we can’t stop talking about (and, even more so, the ecstasy-trip-in-the-supermarket scene from Doug Liman’s enjoyable and underappreciated 1999 movie, Go) the Sobe beverage company has made a funny new ad for their Lifewater line of energy drinks.

It starts out in that all-too-familiar setting for TV ads, the sickly-lit corporate office, where a bored, possibly drunk Human Resources employee is entertaining himself and none of his colleagues by making offensive jokes during a tepid birthday party. But then he takes a sip of Cherimoya punch-flavored Sobe Lifewater and starts to hallucinate. He envisions that his co-worker Joe is wearing a giant lizard costume and, for a moment, it looks like he might puke. Like maybe cherimoya punch has peyote in it. (Cherimoya. That can’t be a real word, can it? Oh, yes, it is. Huh!) But then he gets into it, and for him, the lame office party becomes a totally awesome, luau-style blowout. He’s transported in his mind to a tropical beach, where Twilight actress Ashley Greene is posing for a photo shoot in a painted-on bikini. There are jammin’ tunes there, too!-groovy, fun-in-the-sun surf music from up-and-coming young Brooklyn rocker Brad Oberhofer. Of course, the guy is really just embarrassing himself, because his colleagues aren’t tripping on drugs like he is. So he’ll probably get fired for taking off his shirt and dancing like that. Anyway, here’s the scene from Go:

Although no one has ever used a cofferdam at the 5000-foot depth of the Gulf oil leak, the immense, four-story, 100-ton concrete box arrived this morning at the site of the insane, absurd, horrid disaster. (The current spill area and projections, as of last night, are above.) They will begin to lower the monster critter at noonish. And they “believe” that the mix of oil, gas and water can safely be separated as the cofferdam funnels the leak materials up a pipe to a ship without, you know, exploding all over. Maybe so! Meanwhile, Louisiana residents have gone on an orgy-bender of seafood ingestion, since as of pretty much immediately they won’t have any anymore, and none of them will ever eat that garbage farm-raised crud that passes for shrimp.

“I’d suggest going out on a rampage with the boys, getting on the booze and smashing anything that moves. Then, when some bird falls for you, you can turn the tables and break her heart. Of course, the other option is to cut your ex’s face, and then no one will want her.”
-Actor/celebrity advice columnist Danny Dyer advises a reader of Britain’s Zoo magazine on how to get over a recent breakup. Dyer claims he was misquoted, and the magazine blames “an extremely regrettable production error,” but, come on, this is Britain. It seems like pretty standard counsel.

The Dallas-based retailer Zale — which plays on the hopes and dreams of the soon-to-be-married and otherwise romantically agitated in order to fatten its bottom line — is borrowing money from one creditor in order to pay off another. And: “While its debt fell during the most recent quarter, the company had drawn down on all but $67 million of its $500 million credit line.” What, is it planning a wedding or something?

Last night TV person Jon Stewart asked Newsweek editor John Meacham, “Who is making money in the magazine business who does what you do? Who is a successful model?” And you can guess what Meacham said: “The Economist.” Okay so, this is something we have heard for years now, from everyone, and it became a huge joke, and guess what? Maybe there’s only room for one The Economist! Maybe your weirdly redesigned, money-losing magazine ($500,000 a week!) isn’t The Economist! Which, by the way, despite its charms, isn’t the only kind of magazine in the world! And which, you know, other magazines are not really being, either in print or online. They go too big.

On top is the news top of the The Economist web site; on the bottom is the hectic, insane, keyword-loaded Newsweek website.

Pakistan! Tiger Woods! Chaos!

A newsweekly was always charged with being all things to all people. (Healthcare! Unemployment!) I’m not sure that’s a game I’d want to get into-even if I had pageviews the size of the population of Canada. Because how do you get that? The Gawker Media niche websites have total web traffic more than three times as big as Newsweek’s attempt to be everything to everyone.

Iron and Wine guy Sam Beam played a brand new song the other night in Charlottesville, Virginia. It sounds pretty excellent. He also played another song, “Mary Anne,” that he’s apparently been playing in concert for a year or so now, but that I’ve never heard before. And that one sounds ever better!

There is reportedly a new Iron and Wine album coming soon. I hope it all sounds like this-just the guy and his acoustic guitar. His last album, The Shepherd’s Dog, got away from the style and moved into more up-tempo material with a full-band arrangement. I think it ended up sounding much more pedestrian-kind of jam-bandy, or even world-musicky-than his earlier work, which is some of my favorite music made by anyone in the past ten years.

I’m wondering whether “Half Moon” will end up being the title track to the new album, since the phrase shows up prominently in “Mary Anne,” too. And that makes me wonder whether any of this new music will end up being used in the next installment of the blockbuster moon-centric Twilight movies, since “Flightless Bird, American Mouth,” the standout last song from The Shepherd’s Dog (about as perfectly-written a song as you can find) was used so effectively to make a nation of 13-year-old girls (and the 13-year-old girls inside lots of other people) swoon at the end of the first one.

Long Island Newspaper Gets Only The “Sexist And Racist” Part Of “Making A Sexist And Racist Joke” Right

A Smithtown, N.Y., newspaper is under fire for publishing a photo spread comparing Barack and Michelle Obama to Fred Sanford and “Aunt Esther” from the ’70s sitcom Sanford & Son. The Smithtown Messenger spread was entitled “Before And After,” and in it pictures of recent Presidents and their spouses on Inauguration Day were compared with current photos. But the “After” photo for the Obamas is not some sort of Photoshop Aging Filter wonder; instead it’s a shot of Fred and Esther seemingly about to come to blows. A scan inside.

In the wake of much fury regarding this ham-handed attempt at lulz, the paper released a statement:

“The publisher of the Smithtown Messenger regret [sic!] any offense taken by our readers at the photographic political satire depicting the current and past presidents on the editorial page in the April 29th, 2010 issue. While we have grave disagreement with the policies of the current Administration, we hold the office of President of the United States in great respect.”

Oh, so is this another “we respect the office of the President, but that doesn’t mean we have to be nice to his wife (or him as a person since we only respect the office not the man)” sort of thing? Fantastic. The ’90s really are back. (Does this mean that it’s a sign of slight progress that Hillary Clinton was spared the stock-photo swapping?)

[Scan via]

“However intended, the result of passing the law is that our basic principles of equal rights and protection under the law are being called into question, and Arizona’s already struggling economy will suffer even further setbacks at a time when the state can ill-afford them.”
-Phoenix Suns owner and Tucson native Robert Sarver discusses his team’s decision to wear jerseys proclaiming themselves “Los Suns” in last night’s home playoff game against the San Antonio Spurs. The Suns beat the Spurs 110–102 to go up 2–0 in the series.

Polls are now open in the United Kingdom’s general election! Who will cut their way to the top? Will any single party be able to carve out a working majority, or will they be forced to dice together some kind of provisional coalition that will allow Britain to slash its way through the terrible problems by which it is currently beset? I’d take a stab at predicting the outcome, but it still teeters on the razor’s edge! More to come… with knives! [Images via]