The Big Money is out of money.

“So look: unless someone’s prepared to make an argument that a straight line runs between Cordoba House and Usama bin Laden, no objection to Cordoba House’s location makes any sense. That’s the only sense in which the Cordoba House could actually offend the reasonable sensibilities of those victimized by 9/11. No one can make that argument without sounding like bin Laden himself. Everything else about this debate is just ugly noise. Those who sincerely believe that Cordoba House is offensive need to tell a Muslim serving in the U.S. military precisely how far from Ground Zero he may acceptably practice his religion.”

Today’s Times’s “Complaint Box” is given over to one Louise Dreier, the recent beneficiary of a master’s degree in urban planning from Columbia. Her topic? “It’s time New York regarded pigeons as the major nuisance they are-they’re simply rats with wings.” 1. Okay, I guess they already did airplane food? And 2. Yes I know we are at war with the birds, but the pigeons were not a combatant-they were an ally. And: 3. This weird bias against Columbidae must stop. Those of us who have read Pigeons: The Fascinating Saga of the World’s Most Revered and Reviled Bird know that this trash-talking and, yup, CASUAL RACISM about the feral rock dove results not only in terrible cliches but also in anti-bird violence and, sure, I know I am sounding awfully PETA-crazy right now. But, c’mon. Live a little! That this person (whose Columbia work, nobly investigating street harassment, uncovered the shocking results that “a male companion makes women feel safest” on the street) gets to write about throwing water balloons at pigeon nests and how she contemplates tearing off pigeon legs? Petty, crude and bizarre. I’d love to see her boring, birdless, Sim City plans for her urban-planned version of New York. Then I will have some awesome birds take a crap on them. (Photo by ZeroOne from Flickr.)

by Mikki Halpin

68. Rupert Scrivener

67. Sue Birtwistle

66. Clive Swift

65. Ridgewell Hawkes

64. Vincent Brimble

63. Talfryn Thomas

62. Nigel Plaskitt

61. Felicity Gibson

60. Malcolm Terris

59. Nicholas Hawtrey

58. Royston Farrell

57. Prentis Hancock

56. Terrance Dicks

55. Nigel Humphreys

54. Mervyn Pinfield

53. Valerie Pye

52. Fionnula Tambling-Goggin

51. Bryonie Pritchard

50. Pat Pennelegion

49. Eunice Montjoy

48. Antonia Pemberton

47. Cedric Kerr

46. Fitz-Lloyd Smith

45. Imogen Bickford-Smith

44. Camilla Griffith-Jones

43. Gillian Tullett

42. Nuala Alen-Buckley

41. Pip Torrens

40. Cyril Swern

39. Laurence Luckinbill

38. Celestia Fox

37. Royston Munt

36. Mia Fothergill

35. Giles Oldershaw

34. Rosalie Crutchley

33. Imogen Millais-Scott

32. Gwenda Hughes

31. Dermot Crowley

30. Joan Dainty

29. Cordelia Ditton

28. Arthur Nightingale

27. Jemima Rooper

26. Prunella Scales

25. Anne Trickelbank

24. Rodney Cammish

23. Valerie Unwin

22. Alexander Faris

21. Nicola Pagett

20. Rosamund Pike

19. Jeremy Silberston

18. Pippa Harris

17. Lesley Altringham .

16. Graham Crowden

15. Cyril Coke

14. Helen Slaymaker

13. Gillian McCutcheon

12. Eve Petcher

11. Lulu Popplewell

10. Nicola Parfit

9. St. John O’Rorke

8. Alf Tramontin

7. Jayne Spooner

6. Marnie Dickens

5. Nigel Bunyan

4. Felix Pickles

3. Camise Oldfield

2. Nimmy March (Lady Naomi Burke, née Gordon-Lennox)

1. Derek Honeybun

Mikki Halpin is a writer in Brooklyn. In her mind, she is a writer in a cottage in Britain. She can be found on the internet at Mikkipedia.

The happy news about Awl pal Julie Klausner sent me down a relatively shallow rabbit hole which resulted in my seeing this promo, for the short film Successful Alcoholics, for the first time. It looks great-Lizzy Caplan is involved, how could it not-but it stirred up resentments which I have held at bay for a long time but no longer feel capable of restraint in remarking upon. Specifically, what the hell is the deal with all the recovery memoirs?

You know what I’m talking about. “I was a successful literary agent, but I had a terrible secret life of drug abuse and sex in super swank hotels that brought me down.” “No one knew the sheer horror of my Jelly Belly addiction.” “I would hire prostitutes to make a doody on my chest because of my deep issues with inadequacy.” Etc. There’s one for every “addiction.”

But what the fuck? Where are the books from the guy who drinks half a handle of whiskey of an evening but still shows up on time at work the next morning and gets the job done? How come we’re not hearing from the mom with the minor meth habit who can still put together a play date at a moment’s notice while making freshly-baked cupcakes which she will never eat because the very sight of them disgusts her? The executive who snorts a couple rails every hour to keep himself sharp for the deals he makes and manages to skate through with no ill effects (other than to the economy), where is his voice in our culture?

It is all well and good that people who have “problems” have somehow been able to get the help they need and a platform from which to trumpet it, but, really, aren’t we basically celebrating failure here? There’s a reason you don’t read memoirs from the guy who finished fourth in every race: He couldn’t cut it, and there’s enough of that in life already. Show me a recovery memoir and I will show you a story about a quitter, someone who refuses to make a serious commitment and gives up when things get a little unpleasant. Basically, every book about a reformed addict is Sarah Palin’s Going Rogue but with more self-aware debasement at the beginning. Where is the recognition for the people who stick it out and deal with their problems the way that they’re supposed to: with drugs and booze?

I guess what I’m saying is, where’s my goddamn book deal? You want a tale of persistence against the (medical and emotional) odds? I’m right here! But get in touch quickly; I plan to knock off early today and get my weekend started sooner than usual.

Atlanta’s Cee-Lo has been a favorite artist of mine for a long time. But this song, released last month on the Twilight: Eclipse soundtrack, and apparently slotted to appear on his forthcoming album, Lady Killer, has taken a while to grow on me. His delivery is so affected and ceremonious, and together with the echoey chime of the guitar and the double-time drums, it takes on a costume-era mid-’60s vibe. Like, you imagine him in Revolutionary War get-up like Paul Revere and the Raiders or something. But grown on me it has. The melody is pretty irresistible. And affected or not, his voice always sounds awesome. So now I wish Cee-Lo was wearing Paul Revere gear (you know he’d dig it) while ambling through the sun-baked Californian hills in another of his beautiful videos.

“Before facing the temptation of the song of the Sirens, Ulysses famously had his crew tie him to the mast of his boat. He commanded his crew members not to untie him until he had passed the certain death that would have awaited him if he had been allowed to give in to temptation. It turns out this ancient morality tale has a modern equivalent in the form of microfinance self help groups.”

This interview with bear attack survivor Deb Freele is pretty amazing. Whatever feelings of voyeurism or rubber-necking you have at the beginning swiftly evaporate as she recounts the mauling and what she did to stay alive and talks about one of the other victims, and even expresses sympathy for the bear. If I were 1% as brave and level-headed as this woman I would think of myself as a successful human being. I wish her a speedy recovery.

by Julie Klausner

30. sweet

29. ambitious

28. anthroprmorphic

27. topsy-turvy

26. unrecognizable

25. flighty

24. outsized

23. mysterious

22. Red Grooms-esque

21. top-notch

20. eclectic

19. energetic

18. unpublished

17. wild

16. ethereal

15. lucky

14. profuse

13. jolly

12. plaintive

11. lilting

10. draggy

9. stealthy

8. shopworn

7. prostitute-like

6. poignant

5. vulgar

4. Richard Rodgers-style

3. heaviside

2. jellicle

1. noncat

And check out the adverbs too! Julie Klausner, by the way, is now the proud owner of an optioned HBO series: “HBO is teaming with Will Ferrell and Adam McKay’s Gary Sanchez and actress Lizzy Caplan to develop a comedy series project” based on Julie’s memoir, I Don’t Care About Your Band. Yes, that’s the Lizzy Caplan from “Party Down,” our favorite deceased show. Mazel tov.

I would say former Us Weekly editor Janice Min is settling in quite well as the new editor of the Hollywood Reporter. (They went with: Steve McPherson! Leaving ABC! Due to “Sex Probe”!) It seems worth it to say once again that bigshot Hollywood lawyer Marty Singer’s letter to her is as terrible as his others; it’s my opinion that it’s unfathomable that anyone out there hires him.