“Give me a chance. Maybe in eight years, I’ll be the president.”
 — The first order of business for President Jay-Z? Getting Kanye West and George Bush together for a learning-moment beer. Is there any way that this will not, in fact, happen some day?

Bundle proves what we all know: married people are cheap and boring and should not be taken seriously or gone out with on a Friday night.

In an era of austerity and doubt, when it seems as if the possibilities available to previous generations have been foreclosed upon for the rest of us, it is always encouraging to see hopes realized: “STUNNING Sam Faiers — who claims to be the hottest Essex girl — today fulfills her dream of posing topless for The Sun website.” Brings a tear to your eye, right?

Lil Wayne was released from Rikers Island this morning. He’ll now head to Las Vegas, where he’ll apparently join his protege Drake on stage Saturday night, and then to Miami, for the traditional welcome home party at a strip club Sunday night. According to Mack Maine, another rapper on Wayne’s Young Money label, the crew plans to “just treat him like a king, like the royalty that he is and make him feel like we really missed him and welcome him back to the family, basically.”

Also, Wall Street has its “groove back.” The Times reports that executive bonuses will be fat and juicy this year. And traders and investment bankers are already celebrating. “We are seeing a lot of luxury purchases, like vintage Bordeaux, things that we haven’t seen sell well in a few years,” said restauranteur John Delucie, who recently sold a sold a 1982 Château Mouton Rothschild for $3,950 at his Greenwich Village spot The Lion.

“Senior executive pay will go up more than the rest,” said Wall Street compensation expert, Alan Johnson. “I think executives are saying ‘I didn’t get paid much for two years and now I want something.’”

“Home is where I climb out of my mecha-suit-of-a-poised-persona and power down. Home is where my house pants live. And they’re hideous. I am devoted to my friends and we can graphically detail our love lives and talk extensively about how much I make but no single confidant has seen all or even most of my homes.”
 — Obviously you will need to be reading this. No, for real, clickety clicky click.

I am not one of those panicky people who stays up nights worrying that Sarah Palin will be elected — or even run for — President, but something about her latest video that gives me a little bit of the generalized fear. I think it may have to do with the voiceover? The way her disembodied voice incants, “There is more than enough reason to have faith in America,” is almost menacing. Like, uh oh, what does she know that I don’t? It feels like being smirked at by a particularly perky syndicated talk show host who will turn on you at any moment and tear you to pieces. The guitar riff is kind of fun though.

Congratulations, America! And thank you, voters! http://fb.me/N9bBIS1Oless than a minute ago via Facebook

Sarah Palin
SarahPalinUSA

Uh, you’re welcome, I guess.

Great moments in… something: “In 1966, The Supremes explained to us that you can’t hurry love. Sixteen years later Phil Collins concurred: ‘You just have to wait,’ he sang, additionally noting that love don’t come easy. Those words of wisdom still apply, and particularly so if you’re one of those participating in the seemingly eternal worry-go-round of internet dating.”

Besides, you know, a general feeling of disgust, were we planning on getting outraged about George Bush’s memoir? (I mean, let me know if and when, I’ll come along for the ride.) Bush seems very well-counseled on how “he” “writes” about what torture methods he approved and when — hey, maybe Harriet Miers is a good lawyer who should have gone on the Supreme Court! But in the end, you know, he is going down in history as a torturer. Maybe 215,000 people will rally in D.C. against torturing people someday.

Whether you are depressed, confused or resigned by the new America we made on Tuesday, let’s not forget to take time to celebrate the beautiful quotidian oddities of life. I’m talking about the things that speak to that secret place in all of us, like when a news crew captures footage of a dog snaring a salmon from an overflowing river. Chin up, everybody. It could always be worse. I mean, it almost certainly will, so enjoy this for now.

“Because of an editing error, an article on Oct. 19 about people who have reached or are nearing their 100th birthday misstated the number of presidencies they have lived through. It is 18 (Taft through Obama), not 19.” But if they can just hold out for another two years…