We’re a little late on this one, but the fact that it’s gorgeous and the use of Philip Glass’ “Opening” for the score makes it a pretty easy call: “Director Philip Andelman traveled to Basel, Switzerland, to document the designer’s modern take of the classic hourglass inside the Glaskeller factory. Each hand made hourglass comprises highly durable borosilicate glass and millions of stainless steel nanoballs, and is available in a 10 or 60 minute timer.” [Via]

by Stephanie Georgopulos

Like pregnancy, divorce and anal sex, unemployment is one of those things you can’t possibly understand until it happens to you. Whether you left your job voluntarily or not, you never know what to expect until you’re knee-deep in “I have absolutely nothing to do.” Every day feels like the last day of a too-long vacation — you’re eager to get back to something, anything.

Likewise, the people in your life may not know how to deal with your predicament. There’s a good reason for this: unemployed people don’t like to talk about being unemployed. It’s hard enough to find someone to talk to between the wasteland hours of 8 am and 7 pm — when you do find someone, you don’t want to spend that conversation dragging them down into the dark caverns that you now affectionately refer to as “life.” Really, given the choice, you’d rather discuss the season premiere of “Treme.”

But on behalf of the unemployed people who refuse to express themselves, I’m breaking the silence. So here is the deal: Life is not the same as it once was, and neither is our friendship. Here is how to maintain a relationship with your unemployed friend.

Stop calling it ‘funemployment.’
Coined by the unemployed masses, ‘funemployment’ was added to the lexicon when the recession hit in 2008. It makes unemployment sound young and sexy. Employed people? They want some of that. But you shouldn’t encourage the use of this word. ‘Funemployment’ is a myth; something unemployed people created as a coping mechanism. Unless eating a bag of Tostitos in one sitting and surfing craigslist for nine hours straight is your idea of fun, there’s not much enjoyment to be found in being idle all day. Unemployment is not Disney World. Dreams do not come true here.

Get them out of the house early on.
If your friend is newly unemployed, make sure they’re participating in some social interactions that do not involve clicking “like” buttons. It becomes hard to leave home when there is nothing (i.e., a JOB) forcing you to do so. Having no obligation to turn up anywhere is refreshing at first; but it quickly becomes the norm — and, perilously soon, it starts to feel like necessity. After a couple weeks at home, unemployed people may become anxious about having to perform the most mundane errands, like going to the deli or checking the mailbox. If you see a pattern forming, break it with haste.

Have fun when you go out together.
This is important. If you fail, you’ll be reinforcing the notion that there’s really no reason to leave the house, ever. Unemployed people are also likely to have a tighter-than-usual budget, so dropping coin on a mediocre outing can be disheartening. We carefully consider each and every social engagement we’re invited to; if we’re hanging with you, it means we think you know how to “make it count.” You may feel the pressure sometimes, employed friend. Sometimes taking care of us might feel like taking care of a depressed significant other or an ailing pet. Don’t fret — you don’t have to take us out for the time of our lives; we’re not terminal, we just want to laugh and forget about being unemployed for a few hours.

Try to think of them when opportunities come up.
If you find yourself in the position to get your friend work, recommend them. There is nothing unemployed people love more than the chance to work. Or really even just the prospect of the chance to work. You know how you come home from your job some days and think, “That was brutal, never want to do that again”? That frame of mind doesn’t exist when you’re unemployed. Every email notification is a beacon of hope. Even if the leads you share don’t go anywhere, it gives your friend something to pay attention to. It’s like introducing your friend to your single cousin — it could come to fruition, or it could putter out after a few promising emails. But either way, your effort’s appreciated.

Consider a barter system.
If you’re close friends with someone whose income is low or non-existent, it might be acceptable to barter with them. For example, they can help you paint your bedroom; and you can provide beer and pizza. Maybe they can run an errand for you in exchange for lunch. Pulling off a trade requires a strong friendship and a healthy sense of boundaries, though. Do not attempt a barter system if you feel that what you’re supplying is greater than what your friend is giving. Feel free to abstain from bartering if you think it’ll put the friendship at risk.

Avoid asking how their day went.
To each unemployed person their own, of course, but I would just as soon you skip the question. Why? Because if something exciting happened, I’ll tell you the second I see you. I might even call you before I see you! That’s how exciting good news (or any news) can be. But if I haven’t said anything about my day, it’s probably because… well, nothing happened. Just like yesterday and the day before that. Sigh. You see where I’m going with this, don’t you? Feel free to ask me how I am, though. That’s perfectly okay.

Don’t take it out on them when you’ve had a bad day.
It’s easy to resent the person who didn’t have to deal with incompetent co-workers and stressful clients all day. You’re hard at work and what’s your friend doing? Hanging out at home, watching TV — maybe even napping! The unemployed lifestyle can look pretty alluring from a distance. But when you’re recounting your Work Day From Hell, bear in mind that your unemployed friend is not your enemy. Saying something like “Sorry, I worked all week” (with the implied “and you didn’t”) is unnecessary. Unless Will Smith hopped into the Delorean, went back in time to 1997/2002, hit the sets of Men in Black/Men in Black II, and used a Neuralyzer on your friend, guess what? They remember what it was like to be employed! They know it sucks. They’ve been bored and alone all day. All they want is to hear about your life — hold the vinegar, please! Just remember, likelihood that they spent the day at the beach, started drinking at 9 AM, or threw a BBQ for all of their ‘funemployed’ friends while you were slaving away at the office? Tiny.

Don’t shrug off their weird habits.
If you see your friend exhibiting odd behaviors that didn’t exist prior to unemployment, call them out on it. Give them the proverbial slap on the wrist. I’ve caught myself opening anywhere between seven to 13 browser windows and manically tabbing through each of them, over and over. I’ve also found myself literally LOLing (yes, LOL is a real thing, it happens when your sole interactions with the world transpire via the Internet). Do not let this behavior flourish. They will thank you later.

Keep in touch during the day.
It doesn’t have to be excessive. Just throw them on an email thread or send them a link to something they’d find interesting. Maybe even forward them “classified” emails from work that illustrate how B-O-R-I-N-G the 9-to-5 is. “Just got an email from HR about keeping the office kitchen clean — again! I bet you’re at home doing something really creative or on the verge of doing so! Miss you!” Forward. That’s all.

Staying in touch with your unemployed friends as they feel their way toward the next phase of their life is integral to helping them avoid depression and a life of Two and a Half Men reruns. Be supportive, be a pal, be grateful it’s not you.

Stephanie Georgopulos is a freelance writer based in Brooklyn, NY who’s been featured on Thought Catalog, The Next Web, Gizmodo, and more. You can find her clippings at OMGSTEPHLOL.COM.

Photo by kodumut, from Flickr.

Things in Libya are… God, this is depressing. But we’ve apparently done great damage to Gaddafi’s Bab al-Azizya compound! Take that, books and files! Worry not, Lindsey Graham and John McCain are out agitating for us to just assassinate Gaddafi. (I’m pretty sure that’s what “cut the head of the snake off” means.) You know: the American way.

Elsewhere? Much worse! Apparently government troops are firing on protesters in Yemen today, and, after the horrific weekend in Syria, “Syrian troops and tanks have entered the city of Deraa, where the protests against the Assad regime began last month. Troops reportedly opened fire randomly on people and made arrests.” Syria’s borders have been locked down; the U.S. is preparing sanctions. John McCain might go over and cut some snake-heads off by hand though?

“Killing them all is the answer?”

“They’re terrorists!” Andrea says.

“They didn’t start out as terrorists!”

“They invented suicide bombing!”

— How the New Yorker destroys lives.

Graduates Wayne State University: 1982

The Detroit Free Press: 1987–1988

Los Angeles Herald-Examiner : Unknown, but prior to 1989

LA Weekly: 1989

Paramount Pictures: 1992–1992

Spin: 1993–1994

“Late Call” (which aired in Detroit at 3:35 a.m. on WDIV-TV!): 1994

KCRW, “The Treatment”: 1996 — present

Fort Worth Star-Telegram: 1997–1999

New York Times: January 28, 2000 — April 30, 2004

Harvard, guest lecturer: 2004

Sony Columbia Pictures: March, 2005 — March 2005

Los Angeles Times: (no-show)

“Elvis Mitchell: Under the Influence”: 2008–2008

“Ebert Presents At the Movies”: January, 2011 — January, 2011

Movieline: January 2011 — April 2011

Updates and corrections welcomed.

Did a man in Kentucky build a car that runs on bourbon? “The car will run on almost any bourbon, but she really purrs on Maker’s Mark,” says alleged inventor Mickey Nilsson. Color me skeptical, particularly with parody-ready material like this.

“Them two knuckleheads from that TV show American Pickers (Mike Wolfe and Frank Fritz) stopped by here trying to steal from me. Offering me $200 for my old still. Said I had no use for it since making moonshine was illegal. After that smart-mouthed remark, I shot at em,” declared Nilsson. “Although I did sell the chubby one with the beard an old oil can for $40 before they ticked me off,” he said.

“After I’d run them off, I kept thinking about what they kept saying to me, ‘what are you going to do with all this stuff, you might as well sell it to us’. Well that left me pondering. Folks around these parts do a lot of pondering, so it wasn’t really nothing new for me as I ponder about something almost everyday. But this time my pondering gave me an idea, watch Chitty Chitty Bang Bang,” Nilsson explains.

Even if it turns out to be the absolute truth, I find the whole thing deeply conflicting: I’m as keen as anyone to reduce our dependence on foreign oil, but there are many practical questions that remain to be resolved, specifically, if everyone’s going to be filling up their cars with bourbon, will there be any left for us to drink? I would hate if we solved one massive problem while creating an even bigger one. [Via]

Photo by Paul Joseph, from Flickr.

The Episcopal Church ordains both ladies and convicted murderers (“same dif,” says the Catholic Church) in church roles, but they will serve no communion wine before its time, so former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevey, who entered the seminary just back in 2007, has, the Post claims, gotten a “fail” on the pass/fail system of priest ordainment. McGreevey availed himself of all the traditional (and expensive) methods of reputation repair after his tabloid divorce, his “coming out” and some minor disentanglement from Jersey-ism — saying that he was “in recovery,” consorting with stuffed animals to coax out his inner child, returning to his love of Jesus in a “nearly passionate” way and he even finally renounced a few of his cronies. Well, just one of them.

In case you were wondering about what a whammy is: “Ian Mortenson writes that he still possesses an old record called ‘The Whammy’ on which Screamin’ Jay Hawkins tells the tragic tale of meeting a ‘big woman’ with a ‘mojo bone’ which she uses to “put the whammy” on him. Screaming Jay ends up ‘walking sideways, my mind in neutral’. This makes the whammy sound like some kind of Caribbean voodoo spell. Mr Mortenson concludes: ‘I presume a double whammy is a lot worse.’”

The Malakoff News serves (part of) Henderson County — county seat, Athens, Texas — overall home to almost 90,000 28,000 households. And just like the fictional town of Dillon, Texas, Henderson, if those fatcats in the Texas House have their way, will be redistricted into two districts. Henderson, says the paper, is the only county in the state to be butchered up in such a fashion, and the locals are ticked off. Then the robocalls started, blaming their (Republican) state representative for it all, and asking citizens to call him up. Unfortunately, the freshman is actually not on the redistricting committee. Meanwhile, closer to Malakoff? They are trying to tax everyone’s dogs!

A local dog owner writes to the paper:

I recieved my letter from the city stating that I could be fined up to $2,000 dollars if I didn’t register my dogs within 10 days. Let’s forget for a moment that gov. feels it has a right to make a buck off peoples everyday lives…how do they know I have dogs? Must be from vet records. What of those who don’t take their pets to the vet? Does the city know about them? I hope so, otherwise only the responsible folks will get these letters and that makes the ordinance discriminatory. Someone please answer my questions so I can feel secure that this ordinance will be enforced on EVERY pet owner in Malakoff.

Busy week, right? Did you see these? Maybe you didn’t! Just in case:

• Primate in Chief: A Guide to Racist Obama Monkey Photoshops
• Passover At Guy Fieri’s House
• When Barbie Came To Live With Us
• The Missing Mets Fight Song
• Every NHL Goal Horn
• The Rap Ghostwriter
• The Perplexing Final Chapter Of San Francisco’s Jejune Institute
• Gawker Media’s Real Traffic
• The Definitive Guide to Nuts

Photo by Instant Vantage, from Flickr.