Tuesday, April 19th, 2011
79

Nuts, In Order

11. Cashew
10. Peanut
9. Chestnut
8. Brazil
7. Filbert
6. Hazelnut
5. Walnut
4. Pistachio
3. Almond
2. Pecan
1. Macadamia

Photo by Eric Kilby.

79 Comments / Post A Comment

saythatscool (#101)

A peanut is not a nut. It is a legume, Alex.

deepomega (#1,720)

Trust him, Alex. STC knows from nuts.

Mindpowered (#948)

@deepomega and he's got the balls stick up for his nuts.

Matt (#26)

'#let's not get pedantic about botany'

He's usually ready to head these things off, buddy. That said, this list is still UTTER BULLSHIT.

In all fairness cashews are drupes while pistachios and pecans are just foul.

Murgatroid (#2,904)

Rank nuts when in butter form.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

1. Almond

Turboslut (#1,036)

HOGWASH

deepomega (#1,720)

UTTER BULLSHIT

BRAZIL NUTS TILL THE DAY I DIE

superdave (#8,972)

@deepomega This!

When I am crowned supreme galactic overlord, my first decree will be that there shall be no more Brazil nuts in mixed nuts.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

Why is Filbert separate from Hazel?

Related: Why does cashew juice smell like New Jersey?

laurel (#4,035)

Seriously, and witheringly anticipating correction in the tags (tagticipating? anticitagging? antagipating?) is just rude.

laloca03 (#8,010)

@dntsqzthchrmn because alex doesn't realize that a filbert *is* a hazelnut, most likely.

and both are disgusting.

neel (#239)

Cashew in last place? ARE YOU NUTS?

neel (#239)

@neel WHERE WOULD YOU RANK DEEZ NUTS, BALK?

Astigmatism (#1,950)

[Requisite Michele Bachmann joke]

brent_cox (#40)

When I got to Filbert I just stopped reading, b/c that Scott Adams guy is a jerk.

melis (#1,854)

PINE NUTS MAKE PESTO. PESTO. How. How. How are they. How are they not on this list.

PESTO.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

Pretty Girls Make Polvo

deepomega (#1,720)

@melis Pesto is outweighed by pine mouth.

Alex Balk (#4)

@melis OMG they totally WERE in my head, but because I am a stupid person of Italian descent and was very distracted I kept listing them as pignoli and couldn't remember the English translation (see previous comment about being a stupid person of Italian descent) and I guess I just forgot about them. I am going to leave this list as is to preserve its important historical integrity, but pignoli, also known as pine nuts, should go right above filberts.

cherrispryte (#444)

@Alex Balk I thought pignolis were a totally different thing from pine nuts up until I was in my mid-twenties.

City_Dater (#2,500)

@Alex Balk

Filberts and hazelnuts are the same thing, so you've got a space there for pine nuts. *Integrity of the list, semi-preserved*

Flashman (#418)

@melis Did you guys know that pignoli actually come from the inside of a pine cone? Those big shady ones you see all over Italy. My girlfriend's kids once showed me how you break open the cones get at them, in a hilltop park in Naples.

This list is different for dogs.

Matt (#26)

You've finally gone too far.

I HATE YOU.

Matt (#26)

STRONGLY AGREE

s. (#775)

YES.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

Cashews are fucking terrible.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

I don't want to be too harsh or anything, but? ALEX BALK YOU COCKSUCKING MORON FUCKWIT DOGSHIT FUCKMOTHER. THIS IS THE WORST COMPENDIUM I HAVE SEEN, EVER, IN LIFE. WALNUTS PLACING HIGHER THAN CASHEWS? EFFING CASHEWS YOU DAGO CUNT! AND ALMONDS *NOT* NUMBER ONE? FIRE THIS FAT GUINEA BITCH AND PUT A GODDAMMED GERMAN SHEPHERD ON THE MASTHEAD.

Matt (#26)

PREACH

jolie (#16)

@IBentMyWookie I don't give a fig if I burn in hell for all of eternity for breaking Lent by leaving this comment because OH MY GOD HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA 'DAGO CUNT' HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

s. (#775)

AMEN.

Matt (#26)

I THINK GOD WILL THINK IT'S OKAY IN THE FACE OF THIS TRAVESTY.

C_Webb (#855)

@jolie I'm partial to "dogshit fuckmother" myself. It scans nicely.

Matt (#26)

I guess this is what happens to your taste buds after years and years of Wild Turkey 101 every day.

KarenUhOh (#19)

This post gave me hives.

Br. Seamus (#217)

I note with displeasure the exclusion of "Corn Nuts," the hallowed American snack food product.

Kakapo (#2,312)

I feel like this has to have been created just to piss off us cashew-lovers – i.e. those of us with functioning taste buds.

sigerson (#179)

Just because no one has ever done it – I think this list is perfect and should never change.

ComradePsmith (#4,477)

I feel that this is an important addition to this discussion: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8hVEM-mLHCI

DennyCrane (#1,803)

Macadamia nuts should go last. In fact, they should go further than last; they should go about 45th, behind coconuts, wingnuts, lugnuts and Corn Nuts.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@DennyCrane truck nutz

Kevin (#2,559)

@DennyCrane You are 100% correct!

queensissy (#1,783)

@DennyCrane
My friend!

KenWheaton (#401)

"Harlan Pepper, if you don't stop namin' nuts…"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGmNqzbsuiY

@KenWheaton: "Natural, all natural white pistachio nut."

iwantyrskull (#1,706)

the fuck.

ALL CASHEW EVERYTHING.

barnhouse (#1,326)

@iwantyrskull They don't have shells!! Weird, eh?

MollyculeTheory (#4,519)

Cashew see, I wouldn't pay peanuts for this travesty of a list, so
as much as you want to beat your hairy chestnut (if women are getting Brazilians the least you can do is wax that shit) stop filberting our heads with nonsense. Are you trying to hazelnut new commenters like some sort of an apey frat boy? I am banging my head against the fucking walnut here, Balk, I'm just so pistachioed off. I almond want to scream "Fuck! You just pecan't do this to us, macagoddamianit."

Brian (#115)

FYI homos, you only get one option (almonds, obviously)

ejcsanfran (#489)

@Brian: Jordan almonds in all those pretty pastel colors!

Brian (#115)

@ejcsanfran No, dear. Just a half cup of almonds, twice a day. Summer's almost here!

@Brian "Half cup"? My, my but don't we like to indulge?

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

@DorothyMantooth Are you guys trying to reprise the "split a check" theme? because we got Jolie back for a single comment today and I think I speak for everybody when I say DON'T BLOW IT.

Smitros (#5,315)

I would add Birthers and Truthers.

queensissy (#1,783)

Macadamia nuts remind me of sebaceous cysts. Other than that and the hazelnut/filbert travesty, this list is right on.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

SEEDS

924. Chia
272. Hemp
83. Flax
5. Poppy
4. Sunflower (roasted)
3. Sunflower (roasted, shelled)
2. Pine nuts aka pignoli
1. Pepitas (raw)

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

SPROUTS

2897. Dill
666. Wheat
96. Barley
69. Broccoli
33. Lentil
19. Pepper
11. Buckwheat
8. Arugula
6. Clover
6. Alfalfa
5. Radish
4. Garlic
3. Fenugreek
2. Mung
1. Pea shoots

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

ENGLISH EUPHEMISMS FOR MALE GONADS

1. Nuts
1. Sack
1. Juelz
1. Balls
1. —-

Mr. B (#10,093)

Best comment thread ever. Well done, everybody (so far!).

Mr. B (#10,093)

@Mr. B Ugh.

Dave Bry (#422)

Stop naming nuts.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@Dave Bry I call mine "dude" and "bro".

Flashman (#418)

My dad has a big macadamia nut tree in his garden. I've thus discovered just why those delicious, crunchy-pearlescent little kernels are so expensive.

hman (#53)

Balk probably keeps someone to shell his pistachios. Tell me I'm wrong.

purefog (#999)

Are these listicles a conscious hommage to Spy Magazine, or just a blatant ripoff designed to dazzle those who are (a) young, (b) memory-free, (c) both?

DELETED USER (#6,643)

yes.

I generally dislike listicles on The Awl. This ain't tumblr.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@purefog and multiple choice questions have totally been done to death, but never so sophomoric. I generally enjoy the shit out of listicles.

Flaneur (#998)

I, uh, don't like nuts. At all. *Ducks*

(Pine nuts are OK, but they're not really nuts, are they?)

Howdini (#11,296)

Far as I know, there is no pecan pie without pecans, ergo: pecans are #1. Fuck all y'all.

Pandemic Endemic (#3,825)

But are they red dyed pistachios, or are they plain pistachios?

Blake Robinson (#241,413)

What! Are you insane? The almond is clearly the superior nut.

THIS LIST IS BULLSHIT! I demand a recount.

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