“A new paper, in press at Evolution and Human Behavior, examines the timing and frequency of female orgasms and finds evidence… that, on average, women have orgasms before men and that most frequently they involve some activity other than intercourse…. What is fascinating about this evidence is that the authors find that if the man in the couple is very attractive and/or very masculine, the woman is significantly more likely to have an orgasm either at the same time as her partner, or just after. So the timing of orgasms for women with attractive partners coincides with the period that increases fertility supporting the argument that orgasms play an evolutionary function — women orgasm more frequently and with better timing when their partners have better genes.”

Go ahead and pee in that pool. You probably won’t get caught, and it FEELS SO GOOD.

Terrible news on the Internets!

A social networking site for ‘’beautiful people’’ has been hit by a ‘’Shrek’’ virus which allowed tens of thousands of ‘’ugly’’ applicants to sign up. Members of BeautifulPeople.com must traditionally pass a strict ‘’rating’’ stage where existing users vote on whether someone is attractive enough to be accepted into the online community. But this screening process was brought down last month, allowing anyone to join, regardless of their looks. Owners today apologised to more than 30,000 ‘’unfortunate’’ people who were ‘’wrongly admitted’’ to the site and subsequently banished.

How unlucky for the company! Perhaps they can take solace in the fact that this “story” has resulted in tons of publicity for the company with no security implications for current and future members. What’s the saying about God never closing a door without opening a window? Or maybe the one about how you make your own luck would be more appropriate.

The war on birds has been, let’s face it, going poorly for some time now. Our bird gas chambers are not quite doing the trick. But! One man dares to fight on: Lee Humberg.

Humberg’s ideas about managing urban wildlife are thoughtful and nuanced, but they might have a hard time getting through. In the summer of 2009, his team removed 1,235 geese. Last year, the radius of goose-capture sites was increased from five miles to seven, and the culling total grew to 1,676. He won’t predict how many geese will be removed this year, but whatever the final tally, the culling will likely take place under relentless media glare…. The city recently announced plans for the geese to be sent to a slaughterhouse and distributed to Pennsylvania food banks.

Also we are killing their bird babies by painting their eggs with oil. 🙁 Still! We will gas you and then we will EAT YOU, YOU DELICIOUS WINGED NUTRIA.

“Bruce Springsteen, like Sly Stone but for so much longer, dared to present America in the 1970s and beyond through the faces of a band that actually looked like America: people of color, ethnic, rough around the edges, and always ready to bust the chops of self-righteousness with a great sense of humor. Kissing the Boss on the lips or embracing him in a giant bear hug at a peak moment in almost every show, Clemons was, in Springsteen’s words, ‘King of the World, Master of the Universe, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall refineries in a single bound; it’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s the Big Man.’”
 — Springsteen scholar and Awl pal Stephen Hazan Arnoff wrote a nice memorial piece about the great E-Street Band saxophonist Clarence Clemons, who you probably heard died Saturday after suffering a stroke last week. This version of “Spirit In the Night,” from 1973, gives a good indication of how central his playing was to Springsteen’s sound. “With Clarence at my side, my band and I were able to tell a story far deeper than those simply contained in our music,” said Springsteen in a statement. “His life, his memory, and his love will live on in that story and in our band.”

French loud-talker Bernard-Henri Levy has stopped mouthing off about his friend Dominique Strauss-Kahn and how simply terrible the American system of arresting people suspected of violent crimes is, at least in part because he’s away, acting as an unofficial envoy to Libya. (Poorly.) He took a boat from Malta! This prevents him from weighing in on the John Galliano case, which is soon to go before a French judge (in their bizarre system of justice!) on charges of being a racist and hating Jews. (That charge carries jail time.) Galliano’s defense is to blame prescription meds and alcohol for his language. (You know who else blamed pills and booze? That’s right! Hitl — hmmm, Mel Gibson? Maybe also Dominique Strauss-Kahn?) Anyway: where is the BHL essay bemoaning the rush to judgment on Galliano? Mon Dieu, etc.

• New on Netflix Instant: that Aaron Eckhart movie that no one saw that you never wanted to see!

• Gloria is the midnight movie at IFC this weekend!

• Ryan Trecartin at PS1 on Sunday. (All the art gays in one place!)

• I will totally watch “TNT’s non-groundbreaking but absorbing” new alien show, “Falling Skies,” on Sunday.

• It is the Northside Festival in Brooklyniamsburgpoint if you like music and festivities and lots of them. (Yacht is playing Sunday and everyone seems excited.)

• And a kooky group show opens at the gallery called Canada on Sunday. It’s about… human progress?

• Also New Yorkers should note that there will be fireworks on Saturday night on the East River, on the southern end, and that the 4th of July fireworks are not going to be on the East River again this year, which is stupid, because, New Jersey, whatever, so the point being, enjoy these east-side fireworks while you can.

• If you wanted to just stay home and read — PS! Are there any good new books? Please let us know! — we recommend:

• Brooklyn’s Philly Pinoy, AKA the Restaurant with the Cruise Ship Out Front.
• Some very real words from a lesbian blogger.
• Things that make Jews angry!
• The trouble with the Internet and your mind.
• Great reasons to hold your nose and vote.

And if you just like smoking, here’s how much you’ll pay by state. Get cracking on your import/export biz.

Photo by Ryan Vaarsi

by Mark Bibbins, Editor

SODUS

Then you wake fully clothed
Then you write a useful little book
Lightning through the heart of the cloud
high winds have sheared the top from
Then you shelter a candle in your hand
Then you blow a stranger in a doorway
Thunk of the small exploding shell
leaving the candle, thunk thunk thunk

New rule: the next species that escapes,
nests in the stadium lights, I get to be
part of, plumage a color you don’t have
a word for. Then you’re at a B&B;
outside Rhinebeck, watching the war
Then you’re getting choked out at Sunoco
over bullshit, rainbow toxicants in puddle

New rule: no more Velazquez-like faces
on the F, I don’t care if it’s been raining
since you were a child, thunk thunk thunk
Then it’s the summer of the ash cloud
Then it’s the esophageal cancer street fair
obese radio personality in dunk tank
Then it’s the summer of the ash cloud

Ben Lerner is the author of Mean Free Path, The Lichtenberg Figures, and National Book
Award finalist Angle of Yaw, all from Copper Canyon Press. He teaches at Brooklyn College.

For more poetry, visit The Poetry Section’s vast archive. You may contact the editor at poems@theawl.com.

It’s been pretty well established around these parts that I’m a crack baker — and modest to boot! — but there are times when I even amaze myself with a recipe and OHMYGOD THIS IS ONE OF THOSE TIMES THESE LEMON MUFFINS YOU GUYS. These lemon muffins are a goddamned revelation, is what they are.

These lemon muffins are stupid easy, and stupid easy is one of my requirements for summer baking. Look, if I’m going to turn the oven on, I’m not going to futz around with forethought (AHEM SOFTENING THE BUTTER AHEM) nor with a whole bunch of dishes that need washing up, thanks. Also there will be no “12 easy steps” here. Three steps. Maybe four. Because COME ON it’s SUMMER and I’ve got important sweating to do and a torrid affair with various forms of ice to rekindle and a whole iPod full of Bob Marley to listen to. IMPORTANT THINGS. TORRID AFFAIRS. PRIORITIES. ETC.

You’ll basically need a bowl, a spoon and a muffin tin for this bad boy. Bowl & spoon recipes are kind of the best thing going, aren’t they? They are, that wasn’t even really a question. Okay, so let’s get our bowl and our spoon and some sort of measuring device out and get going. Hut hut, bikinis on, everyone in the pool!

Step 1. WET THINGS! Melt a stick of butter and stir it into 1 cup of sugar. Grate in the zest of one lemon, then stir in 2 eggs until fully incorporated and when you’re done with that stir in ½ cup of milk (any type — full, 2%, skim, cow, goat, soy, thistle, whatever).

Step 2. DRY THINGS! Stir this stuff into your Wet Things: 1½ cups of flour, 1 teaspoon of baking soda, and a ½ teaspoon of salt.

Step 3. OPERATIONS THINGS! Do you have paper liners for your muffin tin? Fantastic, cuts down on cleaning. No? Git yer Pam out and spray them thar cups down. (Why am I Yosemite Sam all of a sudden?) Fill the muffin cups about ¾ of the way full with batter — this will be enough for 12 muffins. (You can also make the recipe as a loaf but I have to impress upon you that it really shines in muffin form.) Bake at 350 for 20–25 minutes (50–60 minutes for a loaf) — the 22 minute mark is my stopping point for whatever that’s worth. Cool for five minutes and then poke holes (the bigger the better! The tighter the sweater, the boys etc. etc.) on the top of the muffins/loaf. I use the end of a wooden spoon but I think you’re grown up enough now that you can find a utensil that suits you just fine.

Step 4. OKAY FINE YES THERE IS A FOURTH STEP! The reason you poked holes in the muffins is because you’re going to pour a lemon syrup over the top of them, which will go into the holes and infuse the whole shebang with lemony, sugary awesomeness. To make the lemon syrup, heat ¼ cup sugar with the juice of one lemon until the sugar has dissolved. I like to use the BIGGEST LEMON I CAN FIND so that there’s a lot a lot of zest in the batter and lemon juice in the syrup, and so if you only have small lemons I would say to use two of ’em, both for zesting purposes and for your syruping needs. Oh and since this is The Awl and around these parts we like our booze, if you would like to substitute ¼ cup of Limoncello I am certainly not going to dissuade you from doing so.

Okay that’s all really! Oh my God these lemon muffins are so freaking great. These lemon muffins manage to be light and rich all at the same time. Your people will love you for these lemon muffins.

THESE LEMON MUFFINS.

Jolie Kerr really shines in muffin form.

Photo by notahipster, from Flickr.

It ain’t the heat, it’s the hotness of the humid.

I’m glad all the Basketball and Hockey (assuming the Riots are over) is done and now we can focus on Baseball, not because of Sports, but because Baseball = Summer, and Summer is my favorite. I know you know Summer is only three months long,* but when it’s really happening the right way, it is endless, eh? You know what I mean, like, no offense to those other seasons, but unless it’s a negative thing (as in: “Man, that day last winter, when I beat up all those cops and went to jail, that was a long-ass day”), there are no days that last as long as Summer ones, and that includes the nights, because that’s a big part of Summer too, just because you’re outdoors way more enjoying your day, right?

Yeah, Summer kicks ass, and I don’t care how hot it gets, man. I mean, I dunno if it’s Global Warming or whatever but where I am, it’s been over 100 degrees already a couple-three days and the corn isn’t even as high as an elephant’s eye or whatever equals later in the summer, and I will still take that over a Crisp Fall Day or goddamn Winter where it gets cold.

Summer! Less clothes!*** More fruits and vegetables that don’t come from Chile!**** And my favorite Summer driving activity: listening to other people’s car radios because Summertime is when people tend to drive around with their windows down so you can hear their Boomin’ System, and I know a lot of people are bothered by all the sub-woofing out there, but I dig it, except when the vehicle emitting all the sub-woofs is a little raggedy and all the trim and license plate and stuff are all sympathetically vibrating with the bass notes, but even then it’s kinda cool trying to identify which parts of the car are getting shook by the inaudible.*****

And the Booze of Summer, man, wowee, “Summer Booze, makes me feel fine,”****** you know? Arrooo! Summer drinkles are a mega-kabrillion times better than all three remaining Seasonals combinated! Are you kidding me? Refreshment, man, sweaty glasses fulla Planters Punch and Pimm’s Cup! And Gin! And Tonic! Beer, even. I still haven’t found the best kind of hooch that matches well with Mountain Dew, but I have all Summer to make that discovery!

You lose weight in the Summer because of all the sweating! It’s way easier to smoke outside! There’s more daylight, so you are less Seasonal Light Deprivation Disordered! There’s no serious taxes or politics in the Summer! There’s no school sometimes even if you are a Teacher and even if you are a bonehead and end up in Summer School it’s not that bad, because Summer School is for boneheads so it’s easy!

C’mon, it’s fucking Summer! Let’s go out and get you some!*******

* By my Official Measurements, the season of Summer is Officially 99 days long, stretching from Memorial Day, turning over to get some sun on the other side right around Fourth of July, and then ending on Jerry Lewis Day.

** Which I cannot fucking believe: 1.) Jerry Lewis is quitting the Telethon before he dies, and 2.) the fucking Telethon is only gonna be six hours long.

*** OK, not always a good thing.

**** Not hating on Chile. Just saying Carbon Debits.

***** OK, kinda off-topic, but I went and saw the Jon Spencer Blues explosion a few months ago and it was surprising to see the guy in back at the sound board keeping time with the music and then every once in a while detonating this huge bass drop that is, along with incoherency and theremin breaks, sorta like a trademark of the JSBX.

****** Sing that quotable to the tune of “Summer Breeze,” by Seals & Crofts, but I recommend the Isley Bros. version because it’s even mellower, especially when you are hammered on Summer Breezes.

******* I’m all done with the asterisks. Thank you for reading and have a great fucking Summer, man, seriously. Hey, have two.