Tuesday, June 14th, 2011

I Enjoy Being A Lesbian

From time to time, the Awl offers its space to members of the community with an interesting viewpoint on current events. Today we hear from a lesbian blogger who wants you to know what her experiences are like.

You know what I really like? Cats, knitting, my blog and the Indigo Girls. But that's not all there is to being a lesbian, which I am. In a lot of ways, we're just like everyone else. Let me tell you a little bit about my day! It's probably not too dissimilar to yours. Except I lick more vaginas. A lot more.

I wake up in the morning next to whoever's vagina I licked last night. Then I turn on NPR and make us a pot of tea and some delicious organic oatmeal. (Lesbians, like me, love organic oatmeal.) I read the New York Times and get ready for my day working at the feminist bookstore. If there is time before I go, I lick a vagina. I also enjoy having my own vagina licked. All lesbians do!

After a hard day battling against Amazon.com and the rest of the patriarchy, I am ready for some action: sports action! I hop on my bike and head over to the softball field, where I play softball with my lesbian softball team. We're all lesbians! There is always a fight over who is going to be the catcher, but that quickly turns into a hot lesbian free-for-all orgy. Oh, the vagina licking that goes on! Then we play a couple of innings.

When the game is over and we're ready to unwind, we all go to the neighborhood lesbian bar. It's not too different from a regular bar, except it is full of hot, hot lesbians, all of whom just can't wait to find the perfect vagina to take home and lick. It gets a little boisterous, but when you're around a bunch of your fellow lesbians (I am a lesbian), you can't help but get caught up in "the scene," what with its sisterhood and togetherness and the possibility of vagina-lickery that fills the air like sweet perfume.

After I've picked out the perfect vagina (or group of perfect vaginas) we go back to my place, and then the vagina licking gets started in earnest. Can you imagine how hot it is, with all those sexy lesbians like myself giving in to their deepest desires, writhing around in a tangled mass of breasts and sweat? And vaginas? I'm perspiring a little just thinking about it. I bet you can just picture all the vaginas being licked. Pretty sexy, right?

Once all the vaginas have been licked and licked again, we cuddle up in front of the TV and watch an episode of "The L Word." I quickly update my blog, being sure to recount all the vaginas I've licked that day, and then we drift off to sleep, sated by the vagina licking and excited for the vagina licking to come. When we sleep, we dream of vaginas. Specifically, licking them. And that's what it's like to be a lesbian.

A Lesbian Blogger is totally not some 43-year-old heterosexual guy.

Photo by Jorg, from Flickr.

27 Comments / Post A Comment

HiredGoons (#603)

You left out stopping to picket something after breakfast on the way to work.

gumplr (#66)


This penis party's got to go, hey hey! Ho ho!

barnhouse (#1,326)

@gumplr @HiredGoons where do the Pendleton shirts come in? Or don't they, any more? (I have heard about these "lipstick" lesbians, don't you know!)

chrismohney (#322)

I li(c)ked this

BadUncle (#153)

This post makes me hungry for a lunch made of vaginas.

If you can't lick 'em, join 'em?

pallas (#11,094)

The lack of processing done by these lesbians has me awfully suspicious.

boysplz (#9,812)

I thought lesbians usually ate more kale and couscous

ejcsanfran (#489)

@boysplz: And vagina.

deepomega (#1,720)

This post makes a lot of assumptions about how much vagina I lick. Am I going to have to have to link to my google calendar so you guys can see how much time I spend licking vaginas? (I have to schedule it! That's how much time I spend on it!)

Murgatroid (#2,904)

This piece is 32 flavors and then some.

saythatscool (#101)

You are what you eat, cunt.

Dear Lesbian Blogger,
I'm impressed with your lifestyle. As this piece covered work days, I would also enjoy hearing about your weekend routines!

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

But really, I bet you're Jon Benjamin and you have a van.

esquared (#888)

i think i may be a lesbian trapped in a man's body

hman (#53)

You can probably save some time in the morning by licking oatmeal out of the lady's vagina.

mrmcd (#9,309)

As a straight man who sometimes enjoys listening to Tegan and Sara in the privacy of his own home, does this mean I'll be required to start a blog?

rich bachelor (#8,586)


Yes, when you and your film crew are not making a documentary about one of your lesbian sisters changing a lightbulb.

Danzig! (#5,318)

I like how this is pretty much just cribbed from a random page of "The Essential Dykes to Watch Out For"

lesbo (#13,936)

You know it's a guy writing this. Guys think that's all lesbians do. There's so much more. Maybe I should blog.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@lesbo 1) extend arm out to side. 2) point index finger up into air like you have a great idea. 3) slowly hone in on and connect tip of your finger with the tip of your nose.

lesbo (#13,936)

@whizzard It was sarcasm. No way do I blog. I just didn't want to put a LOL on the end. But I do like your post.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@lesbo I was saying your dry devil's advocate satire was spot on. "There's so much more."

moneyfetish (#13,643)

This just in: Ellen Page has been revealed as a 25 year old Canadian man named Michael Cera

Selene (#14,016)

I concur that this is an interesting scribe of a vagina-frenzy daily lifestyle. Though I gauge the time logged for vaginal pleasuring as a smidgen on the high-edge of a world labeled "All Lesbians"; would demand CEO-like-clockwork-back-to-back-meeting time management expertise. How much do you invest in dental-dams licking at that rate? ;> Nice post Luv -Cheers! SS-

so very true (#182,481)

as a straight man, i never knew we had that many lesbians today. they love very much too carpet munch. then again, you low life pigs out there are good at what you do. that is not saying much. i blame garbage women like you, why us good straight men cannot seem to meet decent normal women today. i am not going to blame myself for what you women have become today. there are a lot of us good innocent men out there that do want to have a woman to be with, but women like you have made it worse for us now.

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