From time to time, the Awl offers its space to members of the community with an interesting viewpoint on current events. Today we hear from a lesbian blogger who wants you to know what her experiences are like.
You know what I really like? Cats, knitting, my blog and the Indigo Girls. But that’s not all there is to being a lesbian, which I am. In a lot of ways, we’re just like everyone else. Let me tell you a little bit about my day! It’s probably not too dissimilar to yours. Except I lick more vaginas. A lot more.
I wake up in the morning next to whoever’s vagina I licked last night. Then I turn on NPR and make us a pot of tea and some delicious organic oatmeal. (Lesbians, like me, love organic oatmeal.) I read the New York Times and get ready for my day working at the feminist bookstore. If there is time before I go, I lick a vagina. I also enjoy having my own vagina licked. All lesbians do!
After a hard day battling against Amazon.com and the rest of the patriarchy, I am ready for some action: sports action! I hop on my bike and head over to the softball field, where I play softball with my lesbian softball team. We’re all lesbians! There is always a fight over who is going to be the catcher, but that quickly turns into a hot lesbian free-for-all orgy. Oh, the vagina licking that goes on! Then we play a couple of innings.
When the game is over and we’re ready to unwind, we all go to the neighborhood lesbian bar. It’s not too different from a regular bar, except it is full of hot, hot lesbians, all of whom just can’t wait to find the perfect vagina to take home and lick. It gets a little boisterous, but when you’re around a bunch of your fellow lesbians (I am a lesbian), you can’t help but get caught up in “the scene,” what with its sisterhood and togetherness and the possibility of vagina-lickery that fills the air like sweet perfume.
After I’ve picked out the perfect vagina (or group of perfect vaginas) we go back to my place, and then the vagina licking gets started in earnest. Can you imagine how hot it is, with all those sexy lesbians like myself giving in to their deepest desires, writhing around in a tangled mass of breasts and sweat? And vaginas? I’m perspiring a little just thinking about it. I bet you can just picture all the vaginas being licked. Pretty sexy, right?
Once all the vaginas have been licked and licked again, we cuddle up in front of the TV and watch an episode of “The L Word.” I quickly update my blog, being sure to recount all the vaginas I’ve licked that day, and then we drift off to sleep, sated by the vagina licking and excited for the vagina licking to come. When we sleep, we dream of vaginas. Specifically, licking them. And that’s what it’s like to be a lesbian.
A Lesbian Blogger is totally not some 43-year-old heterosexual guy.
Photo by Jorg, from Flickr.