Have you made any New Year’s resolutions? I have decided that this year, instead of coming up with a long list of things that I am unlikely to achieve, I am going to stick with one simple thing, which I will phrase in the form of a question any time someone makes me angry: “How much of my day am I going to let this asshole ruin?” The asshole in question is Choire. Kidding! It is only occasionally Choire. (Generally on Tuesdays.) But it can be anyone. What I have figured out is if you do a cost-benefit analysis of how much power you want to give to another person over your own mood, you usually realize that nobody is worth that much aggravation and free yourself up to be mad about other things of your own choosing. A special bonus to this question is sometimes it forces you to confront the possibility that you may be the day-ruining asshole, at which point you need to ask yourself, “How much of my day am I going to spend ruining someone else’s?” which, again, is really kind of a waste of time unless the day you’re ruining is Choire’s, because, man, sometimes he really just deserves it. I hate that guy. Anyway, that is my resolution. If you are still coming up with one of your own, here are some questions to ask yourself before you do.

Photo by pio3, via Shutterstock

Professional Internet troll Katie Roiphe has been on a tear! (If you missed her pre-Christmas salvo, “We Like Rapey Movies Because They Help All of Us to Keep Thinking Of Ourselves as Victims Even Though None of Us Actually Are, Because Rape Is So Vanishingly Rare,” well, enjoy!) Now for the new year she’s back, with a column called “Turning Off the Internet Is Impossible but Even Though We Actually Can, Thanks to Cool Tools, But Really It Is Illusory, Because Our Very Minds Are Different Now, and We Will Live Only Inside the Internet Forever”! It’s actually a weird plea about human helplessness, or her own helplessness, which pretty much contradicts her other work, which more regularly maintains that helplessness (and sexual harassment in the workplace) doesn’t actually exist so much. Importantly, however, she makes reference to the recent Pico Iyer essay in the Times, concluding, quite snippily, for her, that: “Freedom, then” — and she means the computer program that shuts off your Internet — “is a poor man’s fabulous hotel room on a cliff on a beach without wireless.” (True!) The Iyer essay is the most ludicrous, hilarious, parody-defying piece of foolishness ever published; we challenge you to even pick a favorite sentence. (Try this one: “Finding myself at breakfast with a group of lawyers in Oxford four months ago, I noticed that all their talk was of sailing — or riding or bridge: anything that would allow them to get out of radio contact for a few hours.” OR: “I’ve yet to use a cellphone and I’ve never Tweeted or entered Facebook.” (Haha: SLOWLY, GENTLY, HE ENTERED FACEBOOK. Sorry.) ALSO: “I moved from Manhattan to rural Japan in part so I could more easily survive for long stretches entirely on foot.” Remarkable. But the very first sentence is still pretty great though; don’t miss it.) So what we see here with Roiphe in comparison to Iyer is that he is the exponentially more successful troll, because he has little idea that he is trolling. Roiphe shows her hand too much, relishing in her trolldom, always crossing little lines of sense, drawing leaping bizarre conclusions, knowing that She Is Controversial. She just exists to stir pots, and so her strange, sometimes seemingly put-on beliefs seem so much thinner than Iyer’s, whose work rings with true, if unintentionally hilarious, conviction about the way the world is.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wl5EqjtRuGU

Robin Guthrie, guitarist and co-architect of one of the most distinctive-sounding bands in the last quarter of the last century, turns 50 today. I am just going to go ahead and say that Heaven or Las Vegas is my favorite Twins album, and all of you “earlier, more difficult” people can suck it. Anyway, happy birthday Robin Guthrie.

If you were watching C-SPAN last night for the Iowa caucuses, as you should have been, but likely were not, you missed a very brief appearance by an American hero. I can’t yet find video of it, and it seems it was only noted by a friend and by one lone Livejournaler, but in essence, some punky-looking kiddo got the microphone at a caucus meeting and made a plea for Newt Gingrich: “Even though he has been married three times, he is a strong defender of marriage. He still stays in touch with most of his kids.” Ha! Then he got booed loudly by the caucus and stormed off, yelling “I don’t have to take this anymore!” And then C-SPAN cut immediately back to the boring stuff. Politics! Anyway, in the end, Mittens Romney and Rick Santorum emerged virtually tied in Iowa, which, LOL, “enjoy,” and also none of this means anything, maybe go read a book until June.

Previously: How To Write A Satirical Pop Culture Book Sold At Urban Outfitters

Jon Methven is the author of This Is Your Captain Speaking, due out in 2012 by Simon & Schuster. He can be reached here, or follow him on Twitter @jonmethven.

It has been a predictably slow Internet today, what with everyone getting back to work and aiming for inbox zero and blah blah blah Iowa, but the day is almost done, so we’re going to set you up with this pretty sweet cover of New Order’s “Leave Me Alone” from Awl favorites Destroyer, which we’re a little late to but whatever. We should also talk at some point about how cold it is outside but I suppose that can wait until tomorrow. [Via]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pjKVvSJ-c6o

Any animal breakthroughs? Teach your squirrel to paint?

“Ana Johana Irias, 26, was using an ATM near Northwest 36th Street and 13th Avenue when a teenager drove by one a bike and snatched her $800 gold necklace from around her neck. Despite being more than eight months pregnant, Irias decided to chase down the crook…. The crook eventually escaped by hop[p]ing over a fence…. Police convinced Irias to get checked out at Jackson-Memorial Hospital. Doctors there discovered that she was in labor, and shortly after the new year’s came, at 12:15 to be exact, Irias gave birth to 6 pound, 6 ounce baby girl named Kimberly.”
 — Naturally.

A Midseason Tally: Who’s Up, Who’s Down

The non-conference season is over for most of college basketball, and midterm grades are out. Figuratively speaking, a few teams aced the first half, some have made a habit of relying on extensions and a bunch demonstrated that, frankly, they’re not all that bright. None of the preseason top four teams is undefeated, and four of the preseason top 15 teams aren’t even ranked (Memphis, Vanderbilt, Pittsburgh and Xavier).

Of course, there’s plenty of season left. A whole slew of teams currently flying high will bottom out in the conference campaign, and a few teams no one is talking about will finish in the top half. The pre-conference games serve primarily as auditions for a national audience of pundits, coaches and fans as well as a way to generate ad revenue. While the wins and losses do affect NCAA at-large consideration, no one gets an automatic bid for winning the Maui Invitational. All the wins in November and December won’t matter if a team flounders come February and March. As teams head into conference play, we look at who’s crushing it — and who’s getting crushed.

CRUSHING IT

Baylor: Last season, Baylor was picked by some to be among the elite of the Big 12 Conference. Instead, the Bears flopped, finishing 18–13 and missing the NCAA tournament. Then a couple of big things happened. First, star freshman Perry Jones III, often mentioned as a potential No. 1 overall pick in last season’s NBA draft, opted to return for a second year despite knowing a brief suspension awaited at the opening of the season. Then Baylor coach Scott Drew, one of the nation’s best recruiters, added versatile top-20 prospect Quincy Miller to the mix. Suddenly, there was a roster full of talent to work with.

Thus far, the Bears have played above even lofty top-15 preseason hype. Baylor is currently 14–0 and owns quality wins at BYU, over West Virginia and over a ranked Mississippi State. Most impressively, Baylor weathered Jones’ early-season absence, in large part thanks to the play of the talented Miller, who sprang from the gates.

BU won’t finish the season undefeated. Miller is already showing freshman inconsistency, plus the Big 12 is too solid a conference and possesses too many tough road gyms for that to happen. But unlike last season when early season stumbles put Baylor into a hole it never could completely emerge from, the Bears are in great shape headed into conference play.

Murray State: Anyone outside of the greater Murray, Ky., area who says they had the Racers ranked as one of only four undefeated teams in the nation at the turn of the calendar is certainly lying. With a new coach, the former lead assistant Steve Prohm, at the helm, some early struggles would have been more than understandable., but to date, there have been none.

Like many mid-major teams who find surprising success, Murray State relies heavily on upperclassmen. Seven of the Racers’ top eight are either juniors or seniors, including leading scorer Isaiah Canaan.

Murray hasn’t played an intimidating schedule. To be sure, no one is going to mistake first victim Harris Stowe University for UCONN, but the Racers do own a win over a talented Memphis team that was ranked at the time as well as one over Conference USA leader Southern Mississippi and another over a legit Atlantic 10 team in Dayton.

The Ohio Valley Conference has long been a better basketball conference than it often gets credit for, and there will be plenty of tough road games in the off-the-grid towns of Kentucky and Tennessee that will test Murray State. But so far so good for the Racers.

Georgetown: No one expected much from Georgetown this season: too young, too untested, lacking offense and minus its top two scorers and leading rebounder and shot blocker. But one of the benefits of being a “system” program is that if the replacement parts fit, things can still run smoothly even when there’s not much experience on the floor. Coach John Thompson III’s Princeton-style offense has helped alleviate the growing pains that might otherwise have plagued the youthful Hoyas.

Yes, 10 of the 13 players on the Hoyas roster are freshmen or sophomores, but luckily for Thompson III they are good freshmen and sophomores. Plus, the three upperclassmen have been outstanding so far, if not flashy. Jason Clark, Henry Sims and Hollis Thompson have been steady and focused, giving the younger players room to flourish.

The results speak for themselves. Unranked in the preseason, Georgetown has already beaten three ranked teams, two on the road, including last week’s impressive win at Louisville. Certainly, the Big East grind will take its toll, but if you’d told most Hoyas faithful that Georgetown would be 12–1 at this stage with its roster of green players, they’d have gladly taken it.

GETTING CRUSHED

Oklahoma State: How bad has it gotten in Stillwater? Saturday’s home loss to visiting Virginia Tech was free. As in, no one had to pay to attend. A holiday gift perhaps, but no one gives tickets for free when they’re winning, which the Cowboys most definitely aren’t.

They also aren’t getting their $20 million worth out of head coach Travis Ford, who, in 2009, was handed a contract that at the time made him the nation’s highest paid coach under 40. Since signing the deal, Ford has delivered 49 wins to 31 losses, including a meager 15–17 conference mark. This is including this season’s unremarkable 7–6 record that includes three straight losses in December.

Perhaps more potentially troubling is that Ford’s ace recruit to date, Le’Bryan Nash, has been maddeningly inconsistent. While Nash’s ups have been well up, his downs have been brutal. Ford’s job as a coach is in part to get his players to show up night in, night out and too often it seems the Cowboys are re-learning things each game.

The knock on Ford’s teams generally is a lack of defense. OSU is 101st in the country in points allowed per game. Defensive intensity allows for an off night shooting or a bad rebounding game. Oklahoma State simply has no room for error since it gives up so many easy baskets. It needed overtime to squeak by Texas-San Antonio and double OT to beat Southern Methodist, neither world-beaters.

Unless something changes in a hurry, Ford is looking at another long conference season, plenty of NCAA bubble chatter and likely the loss of his star recruit to the NBA after the year.

Pittsburgh: At first glance, 10 wins isn’t all that bad. Heck, a lot of teams would kill for such a start. But expectations for Jamie Dixon’s Pitt run higher than that — as in preseason top 10 higher.

And the season’s four losses showed atypical softness. First, Long Beach State stunned Pitt at home, ending the Panthers’ long home win streak. Then came back-to-back losses to Wagner at home and on the road at a very mediocre rebuilding Notre Dame, followed, on Sunday, by a loss to Cincinnati at home. Now Pitt is 0–2 to start the Big East season. Add in the surprising transfer of frosh Khem Birch and you have the makings of a downward spiraling season.

History suggests Pitt won’t stay down forever. The Panthers lean heavily on talented, experienced juniors and seniors and they’ve been through the Big East grind before. But the pressure is on after a slow start. Dixon will have to find some heart and some offense if he’s to keep his players focused on the end game.

Originally from Kentucky, Joshua Lars Weill now writes from Washington, DC. His take on things can be found at Agonica and on Twitter.

Photo by Keith Allison.

If you like to watch 2 minute and 38 second-long videos showing brick walls and metal vehicles getting blown up by water cooler bottles being fired out of specially designed canons set to a score that sounds a lot like Carl Orff, today’s your lucky day. Also, please stay away from me.