Monday, January 3rd, 2011
25

My New Year's Resolutions In Order Of How Likely They Are To Be Kept

Drink more efficiently.

Smoke a pack of cigarettes maximum each day. Okay, maybe a pack and a half on really stressy days.

Read at least one actual book a month, with the computer and other distractions shut down.

Give blood more often.

Try not to respond to information sent my way with the dismissive rejoinder, "Yeah, I remember last week."

Remind the people I love that I love them.

Disregard the continuing and inexplicable existence of people who bother me.

Lose so much weight that I disappear completely.

Weep less.

Hold every moment in the palm of my hand and realize that life is finite and there are only so many events one is lucky enough to experience during the brief time allotted on this earth, so it's better to appreciate each one for what it is rather than to be cynical or bitter or, worst of all, bored by it; realize that there is something precious about everything no matter how mundane it seems as it happens.

See the doctor.

25 Comments / Post A Comment

MParcells (#375)

"Drink more efficiently"
That just means no mixers, right?

Alex Balk (#4)

Or food to absorb the alcohol.

deepomega (#1,720)

Remember: Salad does nothing to absorb alcohol. Live+laugh+drink

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

I was under the impression that you walked around with an intravenous drip of Wild Turkey. Can't get more efficient than that.

gumplr (#66)

Walking seems extraneous.

kneetoe (#1,881)

Isn't it still miles per gallon?!?

If you give blood, you can drink less and get the same drunk. Efficiency!

Van Buren Boy (#1,233)

Same if you lose a whole lot of weight!

garge (#736)

Don't forget to work out, not hydrate, and stop by free wine tastings. Shabby chic!!

mjfrombuffalo (#2,561)

"Try not to respond to information sent my way with the dismissive rejoinder, 'Yeah, I remember last week.'"

To help keep astral balance and maintain the space/time continuum, I resolve to use that phrase as often as possible this year.

Polly Peachum (#8,145)

To establish that I do not have early onset Alzheimer's, I resolve to use that rejoinder every week.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Yeah, I remember my resolutions for 2010.

Polly Peachum (#8,145)

Let me know how you do with the fifth from the bottom. There's someone I'd like to kill and all the "Peace on Earth, Good Will …" messages have not eradicated that.

Rosebud (#4,107)

I second that doctor's visit. I'm worried about you.

dado (#102)

Adopt a duck
Eat on Arthur Ave more often
Remove tattoo

Aloysius (#1,808)

A thing to remember, if you're unconscious when you're brought in it doesn't really count as "seeing the doctor."

elecampane (#1,877)

Organize an All-Tumblr production of The Philadelphia Story, with yourself as Macaulay Connor, rather than rehearsing endlessly without the payoff of opening night.

My method to "drink more efficiently" is to cram 12 months worth of drinking in 11 months.

By taking January off.

Best to avoid me until February.

roboloki (#1,724)

pabst mouth?

Aloysius (#1,808)

Better to take December off. That way you can say you can keep your resolution for at least 11 months.

BadUncle (#153)

I like that last one so much I'm taking it with me.

I resolve to withhold cynicism directed at sponsors of my lifeblood web site even if it's Groupon. I'm sure they are a reliable and comforting presence in end stage democracy.

MParcells (#375)

This list is good. I can't wait for the Eat, Pray, Love – style memoir about this year that Balk writes in 2012.

Drink, Give, Blood

caw_caw (#5,641)

My new year's resolution is to tell people when they wrote the best thing I read today and today you're the lucky winner

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