My New Year's Resolutions In Order Of How Likely They Are To Be Kept

Drink more efficiently.

Smoke a pack of cigarettes maximum each day. Okay, maybe a pack and a half on really stressy days.

Read at least one actual book a month, with the computer and other distractions shut down.

Give blood more often.

Try not to respond to information sent my way with the dismissive rejoinder, “Yeah, I remember last week.”

Remind the people I love that I love them.

Disregard the continuing and inexplicable existence of people who bother me.

Lose so much weight that I disappear completely.

Weep less.

Hold every moment in the palm of my hand and realize that life is finite and there are only so many events one is lucky enough to experience during the brief time allotted on this earth, so it’s better to appreciate each one for what it is rather than to be cynical or bitter or, worst of all, bored by it; realize that there is something precious about everything no matter how mundane it seems as it happens.

See the doctor.