This has been all over the Twitters, but I guess it’s possible you missed it. Anyway, awww.

“[T]his is really what happens when a 27-year-old guy is behind a desk and he has to take instruction from a larger conglomerate with concerns that aren’t really his own.”
 — Once again, blogging is over.

Taylor Swift’s Analogies, In Order Of Incomprehensibility

by Julie Beck

23. You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard.

22. The moon like a spotlight on the lake.

21. Today was a fairytale.

20. I need you like a heartbeat.

19. Spinning like a girl in a brand-new dress.

18. You’re just another picture to burn.

17. You call me up again just to break me like a promise.

16. Untouchable, like a distant diamond sky.

15. Autumn leaves falling down like pieces into place.

14. I’m a crumpled up piece of paper lying here.

13. He leaves you out like a penny in the rain.

12. I’m shining like fireworks over your sad empty town.

11. Loving him was red.

10. You held your head like a hero on a history book page.

9. Fighting with him was like trying to solve a crossword and realizing there’s no right answer.

8. We were dancing like we’re made of starlight.

7. You come around and the armor falls, pierce the room like a cannonball.

6. You were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter.

5. His love is like driving a new Maserati down a dead-end street.

4. He’s the song, in the car, I keep singing, don’t know why I do.

3. The way you move is like a full on rainstorm, and I’m a house of cards.

2. Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met.

1. Cory’s eyes are like a jungle, he smiles, it’s like the radio.

Julie Beck is a writer, editor and Taylor Swift aficionado living in Chicago.

Here you will find a bucket list for dogs. I have to assume there is some related story that explains its creation, but given the subject I imagine we’re all better off not knowing.

No wonder Nicki Minaj is voting for Romney. She says she has a penis.

If Bigfoot exists, he covers a lot of ground and throws a lot of rocks.

The Monsters Of Classic Hollywood

by Anne Helen Petersen

Part of a series about monsters and other scary things happening here through Halloween.

An incomplete survey of actual and arguable monsters, broadly defined, from Classic Hollywood. Here are a dozen that haunt my dreams — feel free to add your own.

1. MRS. DANVERS (JUDITH ANDERSON)

Film: Rebecca (1940)
Monstrous Deed(s): Obsessed with Maxim’s (Laurence Olivier’s) now-deceased first wife, refuses to allow second wife (vulnerable, doe-eyed Joan Fontaine) to be happy/have peace/realize that Maxim loves her. Ever. Encourages suicide; tricks Joan Fontaine into making a fool of herself; lots of piercing, vacant stares.
Monstrous Quote: “I watched you go down just as I watched her a year ago. Even in the same dress you couldn’t compare” in stiff competition with “Oh, you’ve moved her brush, haven’t you?”

2. LON CHANEY’S MANGLED FACE

Film(s): A billion, most notably The Hunchback of Notre Dame (1923) and The Phantom of the Opera (1925)
Monstrous Deed(s): Dooming his characters to lives of isolation and despair despite their kind, charitable souls.
Tragi-Monstrous Quote: “Feast your eyes! Glut your soul on my accursed ugliness!”

3. KIM NOVAK’S EYEBROWS

Film: Vertigo (1958)
Monstrous Deed(s): Distracts from Scottie (Jimmy Stewart)’s generalized creeper behavior; makes you forget you should dislike him much more than a set of eyebrows.
Monstrous Quote: “There’s no such thing as too much eyebrow pencil.”

4. REGINA GIDDENS (BETTE DAVIS)

Film: The Little Foxes (1941)
Monstrous Deed(s): Old-school vigilante feminism: when asshole husband suffers a heart attack and needs medicine on the second floor, stands by and watches him fail to claw his way up the stairs; blackmails manipulative brothers; implicitly encourages daughter who threatens to reveal her actions to flee the family home.
Monstrous Quote: “I’ll do things in my own way, Ben. I know what I’m doing.”

5. WALTER PAISLEY (DICK MILLER), WAITER AT BEATNIK CAFE

Film: A Bucket of Blood (1959)
Monstrous Deed(s): Always on the outside of the beatnik culture that surrounds him; decides to take the cat that he’s accidentally knifed, cover it in plaster (knife intact), and present it to the arbiters of beatnik culture that run the cafe where he works. They love it, prompting Walter to keep killing bigger and better things and covering them in plaster. Events proceed exactly as one would expect.
Monstrous Quote:
Woman Doomed to Become Walter’s Next Art Project: “Nobody asked your opinion, Walter! You’re just a simple farm boy, and the rest of us are sophisticated beatniks.”
Walter: “I don’t like you…”

6. HETEROSEXUAL MANKIND (NOT DEPICTED)

Film: The Women (1939)
Monstrous Deed(s): Existing; pitting Norma Shearer against Joan Crawford; distracting from 12-minute Technicolor fashion show; siring the character of “Little May.”
(Inspires the) Monstrous Quote: “When anything I wear doesn’t please Stephen, I take it off.”

7. YOUNG JOEY (BRANDON DEWILDE)

Film: Shane (1953)
Monstrous Characteristic: God-given ability to yell.
Monstrous Quote: “Shannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnne!”

8. VEDA PIERCE (ANN BLYTH)

Film: Mildred Pierce (1945)
Monstrous Deed(s): Obsessed with class status and appearances; super pissed when she finds out her mom (Joan Crawford) is working as a waitress in order to supply her with all the clothes she wants. Mom marries wealthy tool to please Veda; Veda takes up with tool; together, they swindle Mom. Just desserts ensue.
Monstrous Quote: Can’t decide between “With this money I can get away from you. From you and your chickens and your pies and your kitchens and everything that smells of grease. I can get away from this shack with its cheap furniture. And this town and its dollar days, and its women that wear uniforms and its men that wear overalls” and “You think just because you made a little money you can get a new hairdo and some expensive clothes and turn yourself into a lady. But you can’t, because you’ll never be anything but a common frump whose father lived over a grocery store and whose mother took in washing.”

9. JONATHAN BREWSTER (RAYMOND MASSEY)

Film: Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)
Monstrous Deed(s): Returns home to estranged brother (Cary Grant) with the body of his latest victim; terrorizes estranged brother and their two old biddy aunts (who also have been hiding bodies in the the basement [long story]); forces his accomplice, Dr. Einstein, to repeatedly perform plastic surgery on his face in order to avoid capture; gets really mad whenever anyone tells him he looks like Frankenstein.
Monstrous Quote: “Dr. Einstein and I need a place to sleep. You remember that, as a boy, I could be disagreeable. It would not be pleasant for any of us if… I don’t have to go into details, do I?”

10. REVEREND HARRY POWELL (ROBERT MITCHUM)

Film: The Night of the Hunter (1955)
Monstrous Deed(s): Generalized terror and terrorizing wordsmithery; scaring young children; deceiving Shelley Winters; making whistling creepy.
Monstrous Quote: “Ah, little lad, you’re staring at my fingers. Would you like me to tell you the little story of right-hand/left-hand? The story of good and evil? H-A-T-E! It was with this left hand that old brother Cain struck the blow that laid his brother low. L-O-V-E! You see these fingers, dear hearts? These fingers has veins that run straight to the soul of man. The right hand, friends, the hand of love. Now watch, and I’ll show you the story of life. Those fingers, dear hearts, is always a-warring and a-tugging, one agin t’other. Now watch ‘em! Old brother left hand, left hand he’s a fighting, and it looks like love’s a goner. But wait a minute! Hot dog, love’s a winning! Yessirree! It’s love that’s won, and old left hand hate is down for the count!” Close second: “There are things you do hate, Lord. Perfume-smellin’ things, lacy things, things with curly hair.”

11. PHYLLIS DIETRICHSON (BARBARA STANWYCK)

Film: Double Indemnity (1944)
Monstrous Deed(s): Playing the system; playing husband; playing Fred McMurray; rocking the sausage-roll uni-bang; dominating the “femme fatale” category for the last 68 years.
Monstrous Quote: “We’re both rotten.”

12. ROSEBUD THE SLED

Film: Citizen Kane (1940)
Monstrous Deed(s): Allows itself to become overdetermined symbol of innocence past; tortures hubristic owner the entirety of his life; very name functions as irritant to all forced to watch film during sophomore year of college.
Monstrous Quote: “I’m just a fucking sled.”

Previously in series: A Photo Journey Through Roswell And Area 51

Anne Helen Petersen writes Scandals of Classic Hollywood.

Bob Odenkirk turns 50 today. I suppose it is possible that to some people he’s best known for his role on “Breaking Bad,” since that seems to be a series everyone loves, but of course his greatest performances came in the 30 episodes of “Mr. Show with Bob and David.” I cannot think of a comedic performer who does angry better; is there anyone who shouts out a “What the FUCK?” with more conviction? (No, there is not.) Anyway, I could not find the “most blowjobs” sketch on the Internets, so instead we’ll go with this one. Enjoy.

UPDATE: It’s here! Thanks, Jason Lefkowitz!

When [Ken] Feinberg finally came back to him with a plan that dictated, among other things, that AIG slash salaries by 91 percent for its top dozen executives and pay all bonuses in stock, [Bob] Benmosche called him, pissed. “You said you weren’t going to fuck it up,” he yelled. “And you are fucking it up!” PricewaterhouseCoopers, he told him, was threatening to sound alarms over the company’s inability to retain employees, and now four key people were threatening to walk. “He said, ‘Robert! I am not your problem.’ I said, ‘Ken, you are the pay czar.’ And he said, ‘I am telling you I am not your problem. Figure it out.’”…. Feinberg was surprised by the argument they put forth — that it was okay for the taxpayer to invest in AIG stock, but they could not pay AIG employees with it because AIG employees thought it was worthless — but agreed to revise the plan. They left Washington with a new plan, which included a multimillion-dollar stock-and-salary package for Benmosche, which also allowed him to keep his stock in MetLife and limited personal use of the corporate aircraft.

— Now you can learn all the secrets of AIG’s comeback and enrichening schemes! Well, “secret.” It’s just be a huge dick about everything (and do some insane accounting and quiet selling-off, basically).

“Community gardening is really just as much about the community as the gardening, and chickens can sometimes point out ways in which that’s the case,” says one chicken-lover in Park Slope, who helped build a chicken coop in a large community garden. So the war against chickens is raging in Brooklyn. With the Warren-St. Marks Community Garden housing eight chickens over the winter, neighbors are furious at the possibility of clucking and vermin, even despite the really useful fact that chickens can also point out which of three Bic lighters is the red one. Almost every time. (Also: eggs!) But angry neighbors have a point: does the neighborhood really need more chatty, agitated new arrivals, who will probably make themselves right at home by live-clucking a protest about something at the Food Co-op. Then, around “wine o’clock,” as anytime after 4 p.m. is known locally, they’re bound to start in on those Blue Moons so conspicuously visible in that video (like our friend the pig!) and then use the lighters to smoke pot through one of those skinny cardboard tubes that come on dry-cleaning hangers, and then do coke all night — though one of them might at first think the coke is very finely ground up egg shells. Then they’ll all masturbate excessively and one out of four of them will cheat on the their chicken husbands.