Tuesday, July 10th, 2012
469

The 40-Year-Old Reversion

Once a month I get together with half a dozen moms from Park Slope and Carroll Gardens. We call ourselves Hookers, Sluts and Drug Addicts. They dubbed me a Hooker because I wear tight clothes and smile a lot. Sally, a stay-at-home mom of boys, is a Slut, because she’s always touching her body. The Drug Addict is a therapist who can drink a bottle of Cabernet in one sitting. (All names and some details have been changed so I don’t lose more friends than I already have.) Some work and some don’t. The working ones complain about their jobs and the non-working ones complain about their husbands. We go to different restaurants, drink too much and make fun of the Catholic at the table because she is pregnant with her fifth child. (She is a Slut.) We argue over which of each other’s husbands we would have sex with if we had to.

On my first Hookers, Sluts and Drug Addicts outing, to a new restaurant by the Gowanus Canal, I was excited to meet Sally. “She’s very sexy,” said my friend Cassie, a mother of three who recently had a tummy tuck. “Especially since her breast reduction. She flirts with everyone, male or female.”

Sally and I hit it off right away. She had short hair and heavy lids. It turned out we had met ten years ago at the pool room in the back of the Brooklyn Inn, bantering and competing for boys.

Sally went to the bathroom and I waited in front of the door for her to finish. When she came out, I said, “Lemme see your tits.”

“Why?”

“I heard you got a reduction.”

She lifted her shirt and bra and flashed me. “They look good,” I said. “What did the old ones look like?”

“They were too big for my little body. They were an F. After I weaned, I would roll over onto one of them in my sleep and it would wake me up and then I would realize it was part of my own body. Now I’m a D. I love them.” Then she started stroking them. A cook stuck his head out of the kitchen.

Later we decided to go to a bar in Boerum Hill. The restaurant owner, Dave, said he would drive us. He turned out to be a divorced dad. We all crammed into his SUV. There were car seats in the back seat and he threw one of them behind us. The other wouldn’t move so a small mom sat in it, scrunched.

As we were crossing the Gowanus Canal, Dave said, “I just want you to know that I would have sex with any one of you ladies tonight. Even the pregnant one.”

“Thank you,” we said. The difference between twenty-five and thirty-eight is that, at thirty-eight, when a strange man says he wants to have sex with you, you feel grateful.

No one took him up on it that night—at least not to my knowledge. Dave disappeared and two Hookers and a Slut stayed out till two, drinking gin and tonics and paying hipster boys five dollars for a cigarette. Everything about me was twenty-five except I had lost a cup size and wasn’t chafed.

When “Girls” hit this spring, I was shocked by how true the show rang to my life—not my old life as a post-collegiate single girl but my new one, as a married, monogamous, home-owning mother. My generation of moms isn’t getting shocking HPV news (we’re so old we’ve cleared it), or having anal sex with near-strangers, or smoking crack in Bushwick. But we’re masturbating excessively, cheating on good people, doing coke in newly price-inflated townhouses, and sexting compulsively—though rarely with our partners. Our children now school-aged, our marriages entering their second decade, we are avoiding the big questions—Should I quit my job? Have another child? Divorce?—by behaving like a bunch of crazy twentysomething hipsters. Call us the Regressives.

* * *

Why do moms in my generation regress, whether by drugging, cheating, or going out too late and too often? Because everything our children thrive on—stability, routine, lack of flux, love, well-paired parents—feels like death to those entrusted with their care. This is why they start drinking at wine o’clock, which is so dubbed not only because it coincides with whine o’clock but because it can begin at six p.m., or five, or even four. (Though the four o’clock mothers wind up in A.A.) I know a mom who drinks only on the weekends because she thinks it’s more responsible… but she starts with a mimosa at brunch on Saturday at eleven, and doesn’t stop until her Sunday night television shows are over.

My new novel, Motherland, is about five New York City parents who act out mid-life through adultery, marijuana or Grindr. The characters are inspired by my neighbors, who seek liberation not through consciousness-raising and EST the way their mothers did, but through Fifty Shades of Grey and body shots. They arrive home from girls' nights at three a.m. on a weeknight and then complain about hangovers at school dropoff. (And this regression is not confined to upscale neighborhoods in New York City—I hear similar stories from friends in Los Feliz, Montclair and Rye.) In flux, jaded by parenthood, confused about work and life, mothers are bored. So we rebel, just like bored adolescents—except adolescents, at least, can say they are acting their age.

As the children age (and multiply), the moms are burdened by the responsibility—to work, hold onto their homes, watch over their kids’ social and academic lives. The boredom turns to terror. You can almost clock the moment it begins, past preschool but before kindergarten. The childbearing is over, the breastfeeding in the past, the sling donated to Housing Works. It’s the moment when a mom dresses as a Harajuku girl for Halloween, or there’s a full bar at a four-year-old's birthday party, or two ladies step out of book group to smoke on the stoop. It’s blowjob gestures at cocktail parties followed by a-little-too hysterical laughter. It’s the mother who says, “Mommy needs an Advil because she stayed up too late last night.” It’s fortieth birthday parties at karaoke bars.

In the new version of rebellion, the men are supportive. “Go have fun!” says the husband to the wife trekking out to meet the gals. Moms in my circle go out much more often than the dads, who are too tired, too anti-social, or just want to stay home smoking pot. (Fortysomething parents frequently go out stag because someone is always at home watching the kids. This allows them to act if not quite single then single-ish.) The same Facebook moms who use kid photos as their profile pics post galleries of their binge drinking. Is the behavior really amoral? No. Does it cross a line? Rarely. But there is a wild, life-craving, narcissistic, oblivious madness to it that reminds me of Don Draper and pals in the mid-sixties. These women are the men their mothers divorced.

* * *

About a quarter of the married moms I know have cheated in some form. If anyone says, “I have a great marriage but it takes a lot of work” it means they’ve cheated.

Yes, there are Brooklyn parents who have actual intercourse with their spouses, but it’s usually because one of them is on Wellbutrin, or French. Ninety percent of the sex being had in brownstone Brooklyn is by French ex-pats, and you can’t count that because they all have lovers back in Paris and it makes them generous.

A month ago I went for drinks in Fort Greene with a mom friend. On her third Grüner, she said, “I cheated on my husband. Once. In the back of a minivan.”

“Who was the guy?”

“A coworker. We were on a business trip. It was really weird.”

“Did you go all the way?”

“No!”

“OK, I’ll hold up fingers to see what base you went to and you tell me when to stop.”

One? Two? Three? “Yes!” she cried. “Third! I went to third!”

“One way or both?”

“Both.” She said her husband had no idea. She didn’t feel guilty because it wasn’t actually sex.

As though to compensate for the intimacy of her revelation we soon turned to blander topics such as family size. She said she wasn’t having more children. “What do you use for protection?” I asked.

“Pullout,” she said. “Pullout and I’m forty-three.” She was using withdrawal as birth control. And she was calling it pullout.

You would think people with multiple children would be responsible about contraception because they understand the financial and emotional toll of childrearing. Instead they are as clueless and blasé as teens, teens who really don’t know any better. My circle of parents use withdrawal plus biological clock or substitute masturbation for sex—YouPorn, xHamster. Others use rhythm, the Pill, or hand jobs and blow jobs—the same methods we used in our twenties. In the 90s we did “everything but intercourse” because of AIDSphobia. Now we do it because of laziness.

As for condoms, no way. If a twentysomething guy on “Girls” can’t be bothered to use rubbers, why would a forty-year-old monogamous dad? (Exception made for the dad who bought Magnums from me at the Park Slope Food Coop while I desperately tried to focus on his baby bok choi.)

I have a divorced friend with three kids. Hot, tall, gymnastic. She and her husband weren’t sleeping in the same room when she got knocked up with the third. They split a bottle of wine and didn’t use a condom. A year later she was separated with a newborn.

The combination of irresponsible contraception and illegal drugs among Regressives is the reason New York is in a baby boom right now. Those couples you see, grimacing, with the two babies fifteen months apart? They were drunk.

What other drugs do Regressives choose? Nineties drugs like pot and cocaine. Plus benzos—Xanax and Ativan—which our doctors prescribe for the sleep disorders we all suffer from post-parenthood. Two dad friends I know go out once a month to a nightclub, sit at a table, swallow Xanax recreationally with beer, and make each other laugh.

One warm night recently, I went to a rooftop party in Cobble Hill hosted by a dad buddy, Ted, and his wife. They have a six-year-old son. Ted smokes pot every night and Jenny knows and doesn’t mind because it makes him more pleasant to be around. Ted and I get together every few months to eat lunch and toss around screenplay ideas. After I confessed to him on one lunch date that I hadn’t smoked pot in a few years, he gifted me with a big chunk in a Lucite box. My husband and I smoked it out of the cardboard part of a wire hanger while our daughter was at a sleepover. Then we made out and watched Seven Samurai.

Ted and Jenny’s roof deck turned out to be stunning, with patio furniture, heat lamps, and guard rails—unlike the tar roofs in Williamsburg I went to in the nineties where I worried someone would fall off. Parents drank champagne and mojitos, discussing public versus private, summer camp plans, Amis and Fonseca’s architect.

“How do you know Ted?” asked a scruffy guy in his forties, as Ted stood opposite me.

“He’s my drug dealer,” I said.

I waited for eyebrows to rise. “Mine, too," he said.

Because of the full bar, complete with bartender (another perk of fortysomething parties) I drank too much good champagne and left on wobbly wedges at 9 p.m. There were no empty cabs on Smith Street because Smith Street is for rich people now, and after twenty minutes of unsuccessful hail attempts, I hopped on the G to Park Slope, eyeing the Williamsburg crowd half my age.

Another night I went to Milady’s to meet my friend, Dan, a married journalist who never goes out with his wife. He was sitting with a magazine editor named Gary, Gary’s fiancee Fiona, and a late-thirties guy named Adrian who said he worked for a video web site. Adrian was a Cobble Hill dad with a toddler-aged daughter. We gossiped about schools and then I asked Adrian, “You have any other kids?”

“Trying. We have this machine. You plug it into the wall and it tells you when to do it.”

After only a few minutes, everyone stood up and said they were going to Gary’s apartment on Thompson Street. It was the strangest thing. We were having a perfectly good time out at the bar but suddenly they wanted to leave.

There was a glass coffee table in Gary’s living room and as we sat down I noticed some fallen plaster on the glass. Then Dan took out a Metrocard and snorted a line of the plaster. “What are you doing?” I asked.

“Sorry,” Dan said, and shrugged. Every other person at the table did a line including Adrian, the Cobble Hill dad. I pictured the cocaine traveling into his nostrils and blood stream and ejaculate, and on into the zygote. The kid was definitely going to be hyperactive.

Did the wife know he was out doing blow before he was coming home to bang her? Would she be horrified if she did or did she feel it was an appropriate stress response to the pressure to come on command?

After Gary took his turn, he said, “Raw!” and patted Fiona on the ass. Then they started talking about a journalist who had won an award. Fiona asked what I was working on and I said a novel. We got in a discussion about third person versus first person. "Has anyone written a novel in the second person?" Fiona asked.

"Bright Lights, Big City," I said.

"'You are not the kind of guy who would be at a place like this at this time of the morning,'" said Gary.

“You want some?” Adrian asked me, gesturing to the coke.

“No thanks,” I said. “On Friday nights we do a family bed. I can’t get through a night of co-sleeping while crashing from blow.”

“I totally get it,” he said.

* * *

If married parents sound like they are misbehaving, they are chaste in comparison to divorced parents, the biggest Regressives of all. The divorced regressed themselves right out of their marriages and now they’re playing the field. Nothing wrong with that, except they want to tell you all about it. Divorced mothers have the sex drive of fifteen-year-old boys. They go all the way on the first date, because they still have IUDs left inside from their marriages, and then they corner you at parties to ask advice about eHarmony.

“My new boyfriend’s Asian,” a rangy divorcee told me. “I’ve never fucked an Asian guy. Turned out he has a really big dick. Much bigger than my ex’s.” Then she went on about her ex-husband and his new, pretty girlfriend. I had to pretend to see someone across the room.

* * *

At a brownstone Brooklyn party in June, perimenopausal mothers with bangs and strappy dresses drank ridiculous cocktails and rocked out to Biz Markie and C+C Music Factory, raising their palms to the air. “There are a lot of single women here,” said a dad friend from Spain.

“They’re not single,” I said. “They're just acting single.”

“Oh,” he said. I pointed to the husbands on the side, watching their wives and wincing.

“Psst,” a shaved-bald dad whispered to me. “We’re going to go outside and smoke some weed. You want to come?”

“I’m not smoking weed on the street in this ZIP code. My husband had to go to drunk school for an open container.”

“Your loss,” he said.

He went out to smoke it with another mom, and a dad who was always very funny in the playground. “Did you want to join them?” I asked the wife of Funny Dad.

“I’m breastfeeding,” she said.

“So?” I said. “It’s good for the baby.” She giggled and declined.

The stoners came back with smug grins and then talked about how good the pot was, like if they didn’t talk about it, it wasn’t quite as rebellious. I decided it was time to go home.

On my way out I saw a woman falling down the front stairs as her husband struggled to right her. Nothing changes, except you have to pay a sitter.



Amy Sohn is the author of the new novel Motherland, out August 14 with Simon & Schuster, as well as Prospect Park West and two others. She lives in Brooklyn with her family. Photo by S. Diddy.

469 Comments / Post A Comment

visibly agitated (#9,793)

All your friends are assholes.

tales (#7,625)

@visibly agitated Let's be fair. The author's an asshole, too.

pigforker (#235,728)

The amount of asshole in this article is staggering.

Xanthophyllippa (#204,144)

@pigforker I feel like there's a "black hole of asshole" joke to be made here.

@pigforker I'm so glad you appreciated the depths involved here. These are the most self involved morons I've heard about in awhile. Seriously, this is like Teen Mom kind of maturity. Lucky kids..

Backslider (#819)

And this, and the garbage stink, and the urine stink, and the 22 year-olds who've never read anything longer than a tweet, and the show Girls stealing all the parking in my neighborhood and the FUCKING CUPCAKE PLAGUE THAT NEVER ENDS and the BO stink on the subway and the ass stink in the cabs are all among the reasons why I am moving to the suburbs.

I'm moving to the suburbs. That's fucking right. I'm not moving to Portland, or Los Angeles or Berkerly or Cambridge. I'm not moving to an organic alpaca ranch in the Texas hill country. I'm moving to the suburbs, exactly where I said I'd never move. I will have a lawn and flowers and a big TV and a four bedroom house and I won't give a fuck about anything other than me and my wife and my kids.

SBGBlogs (#235,766)

@visibly agitated Yeah… I mean. Calling yourself "Regressive" here seems like kind of a lame attempt to justify the fact that the author spends a lot of time acting like kind of a shitty person with a bunch of friends who, from the description here, sound like really shitty people who all do a bunch of shitty things to each other and everyone around them and then try to pretend that "regressive" is a thing and that it's okay.

Mainly I just think that you can go out and party and have fun and be happy and have great sex as a married person with kids without being a raging fucking dickbag.

@Backslider bravo! was in NYC today, its hot filthy and disgusting teeming with vulgarity and sexual identity confusion….raise the kid sup right get out of Dodge!

melis (#1,854)

That KIDULTS tag is what really broke my heart.

freetzy (#7,018)

@melis For me, it was OVERPARENTING.

melis (#1,854)

"Full disclosure: I co-sleep with Lena Dunham's former math tutor."

bluebears (#5,902)

The inclusion of the phrase "wine o'clock" makes me think more Real Housewives than Girls.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@bluebears Right after reading that phrase is when I clicked The Awl title to get away from this and read something else. Amazing I made it that far, mostly because I cannot relate to this at all.

For me it was, "My new novel, Motherland"

Mr. B (#10,093)

@whizz_dumb I'm just confused because I thought the whole site still had a "Girls" moratorium in effect.

Danzig! (#5,318)

@whizz_dumb "Regressives", for me

Clare (#516)

I'm having a hard time picturing how one would smoke weed through the cardboard part of a dry cleaning hanger.

(I have to stick to a mundane detail of this story because if I try to talk about how selfish the people in this piece are I will start to cry and never stop.)

@Clare Make a little bowl w/ some aluminum foil, cut to desired length.

barnhouse (#1,326)

Oo! I have seen one!! They cut a little oval out of the cylinder and put a foil bowl in there.

melis (#1,854)

"A delightful chap. Wants to massacre the bourgeoisie, sack Park Lane, and disembowel the hereditary rich. Well, nothing could be fairer than that, what?"

trappedinabay (#227,205)

@melis Oh, Bertie.

barnhouse (#1,326)

"a female of sorts, all eyes and teeth."

rural14 (#235,566)

Learn to talk to your spouses about everything; less of this passive aggressive Brooklyn bullshit – and as a Brooklyn native I understand the changes in language – and this kind of shabby marriage will go away. I agree w @visibly agitated. But of course your friends make for good car wreck copy. Why the compulsion to live like a television cliche? Oh right. If the people on the TV aren't your friends, then they're your role models.

melis (#1,854)

@rural14 Because it's really interesting to cheat on your spouse if you do it in a clinical, detached way. God, these people manage to even siphon the fun out of illicit drugs and sex.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@melis
Imagining the people in this post doing it reminds me of Liquid Sky, where the aliens hover around in their tiny flying saucer sucking the life out of anybody who has an orgasm, and this one totally anhedonic but slutty person thinks she's killing all her sex partners by doing sex with them. If they remade that with zombies, that would be this.

cherrispryte (#444)

@Tulletilsynet That was nearly an episode of Torchwood.

@Tulletilsynet : YESSS LIQUID SKY.

@cherrispryte : But was the main character and her (male) rival played by the same woman? Because that alone puts Liquid Sky head and shoulders above, oh, I don't know, EVERYTHING.

cherrispryte (#444)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose No, but John Barrowman was involved, so I daresay you are wrong, sir.

@cherrispryte : I really enjoyed Children of Earth but then the rest of Torchwood kind of eh. Should I go back? Have we had this discussion before?

cherrispryte (#444)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose I would bet money we have had this conversation before, but oh well! Do not, under any circumstances, watch Miracle Day. The first two seasons vary between meh and pretty decent. What you do need to watch, however, is the season 2 opener, "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang." It is my most favorite 43 minutes of TV ever.

@Gef the Talking Mongoose My favorite episodes of Torchwood are the season one episodes of Doctor Who with John Barrowman in them.

Just kidding, I like Gwen too, but don't bother with Miracle Day unless you just like looking at Captain Jack's perfectly chiseled face.

Jesus, I hope I die young.

Phil Koesterer (#2,708)

If in the first act you are hanging around the Gowanus Canal, then in the following act someone should go into that canal. Don't just put it there.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

"not in my Gowanus, thx"

stuffisthings (#1,352)

@Phil Koesterer Chekhov's Canal?

atipofthehat (#797)

@Phil Koesterer

What goes into the Gowanus stays in the Gowanus. Or comes out dead.

Milton Wah@twitter (#235,787)

@Phil Koesterer its pretty obvious that Dave the Cook leapt out of his moving vehicle as they traversed the Gowanus Canal

Matt (#26)

Sponsored posts usually come with a disclaimer, no?

NinetyNine (#98)

"An earlier version of this article incorrectly said ________ was a novelist"

Art Yucko (#1,321)

consider restyling your postarticle.

rural14 (#235,566)

Sex with spouse / sex with spouse with illicit drugs and sex = far better than random self-conscious sex with hookups that's for sure. The older we get the crazier / heartstopping / swoonier it is. And we're not French neither.

jane lane (#13,631)

@rural14 if you were French you'd only have sex with your spouse when you're away from your Parisian lover.

rural14 (#235,566)

@jane lane
I am away from my Parisian lover at all times; therefore I have sex with my spouse continually. QED.
[sometimes our single friend from up the road joins us - perhaps that means we're French Canadian then, eh?]

Benquo (#24,516)

@rural14 jane lane said "only [...] when", not "whenever".

Peter HH@twitter (#12,562)

Love that the ad under the article proclaims "REVEAL YOUR EVEN-TONED UNDERARMS" Yes. Do it america. They are revealed.

Peter HH@twitter (#12,562)

@Peter HH@twitter Because this article is the pits.

I guess since I don't have a kid I'm just being immature?

saythatscool (#101)

@Maura Johnston Or barren. You could be barren.

@saythatscool Or just not attractive enough to hoodwink someone for long enough to get knocked up.

saythatscool (#101)

@Maura Johnston Maybe you're secretly a man. That could be it too.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

@Maura Johnston Lesbo.

saythatscool (#101)

@IBentMyWookie Total lesbo.

@IBentMyWookie Seriously I wish.

jfruh (#713)

@IBentMyWookie hey I just noticed none of the awful people in this piece are gay! IT'S THE ONLY WAY TO BE SAFE, I'M SWITCHING TEAMS

jaimeleigh (#1,840)

oh for fuck's sake. really?

NeonTrotsky (#2,249)

…this regression is not confined to upscale neighborhoods in New York City—I hear similar stories from friends in Los Feliz, Montclair and Rye
So it's a rich people thing in the outer suburbs and in LA too? Glad to know this is such a broad and relevant phenomenon!

I guess I'm a Park Slope Parent, but I feel like I live on a different planet after reading this piece.

Matt (#26)

See, dude? This is what Choire was complaining about!

saythatscool (#101)

@Clarence Rosario Quit talking about your wife that way.

melis (#1,854)

This made me want to drink a glass of milk and go to church again and call my mom and tell her I love her.

C_Webb (#855)

@Clarence Rosario Pretty sure these are the people who look at me like they've never seen me before even though our kids have been in the same classes, activities, etc. for three years. Needless to say, they don't invite me to parties.

@saythatscool Quit talking about my wife that way.

Multiphasic (#411)

@melis Which would be a great idea, except we've made it clear your mom is somewhere in Prospect Heights, passed out beneath a graphic designer.

Bonnie (#1,782)

@C_Webb And for that you should thank them, all of them, even louder that you would thank them if they offered o have sex with you.

saythatscool (#101)

Choire's trolling. How charming.

pissy elliott (#397)

And their children go on to be bratty St. Ann's kids at middling LACs, who will go on to write autobiographical novels, and the circle completes itself.

melis (#1,854)

"Let the Circle-Jerk Be Unbroken"

NinetyNine (#98)

"The Squirt and the Wail"

Multiphasic (#411)

Woof. I'm plain tuckered out from all this judging. Yojimbo, come here and bring daddy some of your ritalin.

litothela (#13,700)

This is one of the most frightening visions of 40 I've ever read. Ugh.

NinetyNine (#98)

"Wine o'clock" is exactly how I imagine all the hipster youth to be talking.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

why? no clock?

saythatscool (#101)

@Art Yucko wino clock

melis (#1,854)

"haha whats a clock"

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@melis Something that ticks while one makes a decision to go home with a person based on the fact that they have Central A/C.

cherrispryte (#444)

@saythatscool clock forever.

Xanthophyllippa (#204,144)

@melis "dude i have an app for that"

iknowright (#235,732)

@melis SPIDER CLOCK

Is it still considered "reversion" if I never actually STOPPED when I had a kid?

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

Who wouldn't see these comments coming? I think the whole purpose of this post was to get a rise out of us.

Matt (#26)

But that would mean … Choire is a … troll???

I don't want to live on the same planet as you, Negative Nancy.

jolie (#16)

@whizz_dumb You don't say!

jfruh (#713)

@whizz_dumb the way we get 190 comments on a post now

saythatscool (#101)

@whizz_dumb I call it Choire's "D'Addariobaiting."

@saythatscool Amy Sohn Is Moving To Brownstone Brooklyn

NinetyNine (#98)

@saythatscool So it's okay to make fun of being a tool of the patriarchy again?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@NinetyNine …Wait a sec

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@Maura Johnston Last.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@boyofdestiny All of your lasts are assholes.

I've been refreshing for the last 20 minutes. It's GLORIOUS.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Too bad Miles is staring at a wall somewhere in the Hamptons.

NinetyNine (#98)

@Art Yucko As a pile of BlackBooks in the Hamptons… all of this has made thought about a lot of things.

@Matt : And so it begins. 118 to go!

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@jfruh You underestimated a little. This is a huge scathing success.

Matt (#26)

On a purely editorial note, "pullout" but not "blowjob"? Is anyone steering this ship?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Being a tool of the patriarchy is easy.

Matt (#26)

FFUUUUUUCCCCCC WHY DIDN'T I LEAD THIS OFF WITH "As an editor," FUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC

NinetyNine (#98)

@Matt CARES ABOUT QUALITY

Lockheed Ventura (#5,536)

This is very New York magazine.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@Lockheed Ventura This is very New York magazine.

NinetyNine (#98)

Oh, hey, I found boy's blue knitted cap yesterday at Union Hall. Looks to be toddler size. Did anyone lose one?

Matt (#26)

"My kid is good."

Art Yucko (#1,321)

"We hate your kids."

My mother? My mother seems so smart, but I'm worried about my mother.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@DorothyMantooth About a quarter of the married cats I know have cheated in some form on their cats. If anyone says, “I have a great cat but it takes a lot of work” it means they’ve cheated on their cat.

And yes, Mantooth, I MEANT "babushka".

You're dead to me, C-Ro.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@DorothyMantooth THAT'S INTERESTING!

iantenna (#5,160)

@Art Yucko the ghost of bob barker weeps.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

"And it's not just New York, it's also the rest of the whole world: Montclair and Rye!"

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Oops, NeonTrotsky said that already.

NeonTrotsky (#2,249)

@Tulletilsynet I don't know about you, but I just want "But is it happening in Montclair and Rye?" to be the new "Will it play in Peoria?"

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@NeonTrotsky
The fortysomethings with their soap opera in Rye, LOL, this is the place where.

Matthew Phelan (#10,133)

@NeonTrotsky It's happening in Montclair where poor-ass nobodies like Stephen Colbert waste their lives going to church on Sundays, raising their families and engaging in political satire.

Matt (#26)

What was the bok choi?

SkinnyNerd (#224,784)

Thank you all for commenting. I thought there was something wrong with me when I felt like picking up some blades and stabbing myself multiple times.

Matt (#26)

Seriously though, how was the lobster roll?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

$19,999.99+Bloomberg Fitness Excise Tax

NinetyNine (#98)

Wait, why haven't we moved the Miss Advised thread over here yet?

@Art Yucko Exercise Tax.

jolie (#16)

@NinetyNine Mostly I'd like to know what David Rubin's nice fleece thinks of all this.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@ContainsHotLiquid Exercise Credit Cards: Sign up for yours today at City Hall.

Ghost Fart@twitter (#232,902)

This makes me sad.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Taterouché

cherrispryte (#444)

WHY DID THESE PEOPLE REPRODUCE?! I mean jesus, there are so many less selfish ways to make yourself miserable.

Pandemic Endemic (#3,825)

@cherrispryte Because it had to be wine-o-clock somewhere!

jfruh (#713)

@Pandemic Endemic it was baby o'clock in their shrivelled hearts

laurel (#4,035)

@cherrispryte My spinster misery is much more efficient.

stuffisthings (#1,352)

So is this how Hell's Angels felt when middle-aged dentists first started riding Harleys and getting tattoos?

jolie (#16)

Can someone give me a heads up before this is cross-posted to The Hairpin so I can grab my shovel and get started on the process of burying myself alive?

pissy elliott (#397)

@jolie That's triggering to me, please do not refer even obliquely to anything Kathy Bates has ever done.

cherrispryte (#444)

@jolie Please hit me hard in the face with said shovel before you commence digging.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@jolie No! We'll need you to help us clean up when all of their heads explode.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@boyofdestiny Also the mess they make from dissecting this bloated whale corpse that has been rotting for months.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@jolie
Visualize that not happening.

Bittersweet (#765)

@jolie Visualize nothing, just email Edith and beg. Bribe if you have to.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@Bittersweet
Young Edith will have you to thank for her bribe-clogged inbox.

cherrispryte (#444)

@jolie Oh god, oh god …. RUN!!!!!!!!

melis (#1,854)

@cherrispryte IT BEGINS.

teenie (#235,723)

@jolie
Lily Rowan just mentioned it in a thread over there. I'm currently scrubbing my eyes out and planning on getting my tubes tied.

Ophelia (#75,576)

@melis YOU ARE ALL TOO LATE

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@jolie buried alive. in a tub of Oxy Clean.

jolie (#16)

@Art Yucko That almost seems too humane.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@Ophelia
Can no one be trusted in matters of taste? No one?

Ophelia (#75,576)

@Tulletilsynet You're gonna have to ask the girls on the canning thread.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@Ophelia
Those are ladies. LADIES FIRST!

Matt (#26)

Man, those n+1 parties are not what they used to be.

NinetyNine (#98)

@Matt Summer of Megadeth said: We officially dare someone to make a "So did you fuck Keith Gessen or not?" comment

Matt (#26)

Fuck you too, you gutless, unfunny cretin. You probably post comments on Reblogging Julia Allison. Get a fucking life, you disgusting moron.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@Matt PICS OR IT DIDN'T HAPPEN.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@NinetyNine
As a celebrated person of letters is supposed to have said to Gordon Lish:
"I don't care if you claim I fucked you, just don't claim I said I liked your book."

NeonTrotsky (#2,249)

@Matt Well, at least these people aren't repressive sentimentalists. Look to my future piece arguing how they are actually libertine nostalgicrats!

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@Matt
Nooooo!

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@Matt
PS All this time and I have yet to google "Reblogging Julia Allison." I bet it's the shit!

musicmope (#428)

@Matt I believe Amy Sohn is more of an Open City sort of girl.

Is this the bookend to the Observer's trend piece on cheetahs?

Matt (#26)

This is the 23rd funniest comment on this post.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@Matt refreshes Tumblr to see if Foster posted a post about the listicle about the post yet

I preferred the original J. G. Ballard version where they had questionable psychoanalysis and beat up immigrants in their spare time.

Lockheed Ventura (#5,536)

“No thanks,” I said. “On Friday nights we do a family bed. I can’t get through a night of co-sleeping while crashing from blow.”

“I totally get it,” he said.

And The Awl complains about David Fucking Sedaris.

Matt (#26)

Or, you know, keep doing exactly what you're doing. But don't keep acting shocked, SHOCKED! when the people on the receiving end of your unoriginal, knee-jerk insults have a problem with you.

Ghost Fart@twitter (#232,902)

@Matt "shocked, SHOCKED" LOL

Screen Name (#2,416)

A cautionary tale, this story is really about what happens when Clay, a student at Camden College in New Hampshire, is too afraid to admit he is in love with his best friend, Julian, a heroin addict who must resort to prostitution to pay off his drug dealer, Rip.

saythatscool (#101)

@Screen Name Look are you holding or not, Screen? I don't have time for this shit today.

brent_cox (#40)

Oh my God it's full of stars.

NinetyNine (#98)

"So what do you pay?"

"Well, I mean, you got a kill fee, right?

Matt (#26)

You can tell New York assigned this literally weeks ago because it was obviously written before Natasha discovered bath salts.

jolie (#16)

@NinetyNine Can The Billfolder help you with the math on that?

NinetyNine (#98)

@Matt It's probably too late to make an Observer Blackout Watch reference isn't it? Yeah.

NinetyNine (#98)

@jolie "New York Magazine: The Best Publication with Actual Editorial Standards You Never Read" today on Splitsider.

MichelleDean (#7,041)

It's obvious, you guys, that Choire and Alex just missed us and wanted to reunite everyone here today.

Matt (#26)

As a senior HVAC … all of this comment has made me thought about a lot of things.

Neopythia (#353)

@MichelleDean It really is nice to see everyone again.

deepomega (#1,720)

@MichelleDean Just Like Old Times!

melis (#1,854)

@deepomega If this doesn't bring back KarenUhOh, I don't know what will.

deepomega (#1,720)

@melis *lights a candle in a shrine, prays to St. Barea*

jolie (#16)

@deepomega When Jeffrey was in Egypt land, let my Barea gooooooo

@melis What if KarenUhOh wrote this? Just to bring us all together today!

Art Yucko (#1,321)

what I can't figure out is how all these adult people managed to split the check.

Matt (#26)

We pay our contributors.

C_Webb (#855)

@Art Yucko None of them are "young, attractive women"?

NinetyNine (#98)

@C_Webb The pay is not spectacular.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

you might receive payment in 5, 6 months.

NinetyNine (#98)

@Art Yucko 9-, 10- installements

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@NinetyNine They like to shoot their wads in small increments, generally.

As a writing exercise, I'm going to try to see if I can locate the five MOST hilariously oblivious/funny sentences out of this story:

5) But there is a wild, life-craving, narcissistic, oblivious madness to it that reminds me of Don Draper and pals in the mid-sixties.

4) Everything about me was twenty-five except I had lost a cup size and wasn’t chafed.

3) In the new version of rebellion, the men are supportive.

2) At a brownstone Brooklyn party in June, perimenopausal mothers with bangs and strappy dresses drank ridiculous cocktails and rocked out to Biz Markie and C+C Music Factory, raising their palms to the air.

1) The stoners came back with smug grins and then talked about how good the pot was, like if they didn’t talk about it, it wasn’t quite as rebellious. I decided it was time to go home.

BONUS POINTS to number 1 for being extra-oblivious that that last sentence sums up not only this whole piece, but all of our attitudes towards it.

Matt (#26)

The thing I'm still confused about, though, is why you keep reading all this writing of mine that you keep disliking so much. I'm not making you read my work, Nic. In fact, I highly encourage you to stop. Please?

@Jeremy Mesiano-Crookston Is complicated.

Matt (#26)

Yo, is this racist?

@Matt I'm going to answer "only if you're not asian", and just stick with that.

NinetyNine (#98)

They like to be less stupid, generally.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

RIP JEFF BAREA

Mar (#2,357)

@Art Yucko Miss u, Barea!

I went away to prison for sticking a shiv in a mom JUST LIKE LI'L AMY so I been away, but now? I am laughing so hard right now, I am almost barking. Oh, murgatroyd! This is just beyond. This is just…HAHAHHAHa!

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@Bookish Lookish Redux
What long commenter digits you have, Grandma!

Matt (#26)

What would Adam Yuach (RPI) think?

NinetyNine (#98)

@Matt DON'T BE A FAYGO

C_Webb (#855)

Wow. Lena Dunham and Julia Allison could skip by holding hands and singing The Marseillaise right now, and none of us would even notice.

Matt (#26)

Except with you, it so often is. Or other women. And it's weird, dude. It's just really fucking weird and unfunny and frankly, sometimes a little scary!

Art Yucko (#1,321)

color those little GIRLS red.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

so I wonder… who's masturbating now?

Matt (#26)

Workin' it suttle.

Phil Koesterer (#2,708)

Moist kidults are moist.

Matt (#26)

I dunno, guys. Starting to get a little "Greatest Hits" in here if you know what I mean. My trigger finger is hovering over "publish" on the exposé on ____'s ____ and ___.

NinetyNine (#98)

@Matt About four items are posted each day, unless there is a game of Bomb the Dashboard, when dozens of posts erupt on-screen in a stream of consciousness among the bloggers.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

fingerbanging isn't actually sex.

NinetyNine (#98)

@Art Yucko Dude, jokes about fake-sex aren't funny.

Lemonnier (#14,611)

If you read past "Once a month I get together with half a dozen moms from Park Slope and Carroll Gardens," YOU BROUGHT IT ON YOURSELF.

@Lemonnier Seriously. "Mother" is what you call a woman who has had a kid. "Mom" is just what you call your own mother sometimes and in private. There is no "moms" unless yo momma's so gay she married another woman.

whateverlolawants (#19,108)

@Lemonnier I thought it was a satire for a while, with a sentence like that. Imagine my horror.

iantenna (#5,160)

all of a sudden i'm feeling pretty good about my life.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

"The stoners came back with smug grins and then talked about how good the pot was, like if they didn’t talk about it, it wasn’t quite as rebellious. I decided it was time to go home."

OH, THE IRONING

iantenna (#5,160)

are we 100% sure this isn't satire? i've been fooled before by the awl.

NinetyNine (#98)

@iantenna Dude, it's Amy Sohn. The only person less self-aware is Julia Allison.

iantenna (#5,160)

@NinetyNine sorry, i've managed to make it this far without ever hearing of her. one of the benefits of not living in nyc and/or being only semiliterate, i suppose.

Matt (#26)

Oh and please spare us the (haha, hilarious three-year-old joke) bathing suit shot, Nic — as those of us lucky enough to have encountered you IRL know, there are lots of great reasons why you'd never pose for one.

iantenna (#5,160)

@NinetyNine ok, i just read her wiki page. "She wrote… a companion guide to television’s Sex and the City… She cocreated, wrote and starred in the Oxygen television series 'Avenue Amy'."

i'm now fully convinced this is satire, her entire life is an elaborate hoax. there's just no way any of that shit is real.

CatsInBags (#3,656)

WWAMSD?

Jasons_Johnson (#3,341)

Coming up on 10 years married. Have not cheated, Love my wife dearly, and will still tell you marriage takes a lot of work. And this will only come as a shock to immature people who make choices they aren't ready for: anything of value takes work. Anything.

atipofthehat (#797)

@Jasons_Johnson

Hey, affairs take lots of work. too!

tootsky (#217,426)

@atipofthehat – Thank God. The main reason I have zero worries about my husband ever cheating.

LondonLee (#922)

If you're a 40+ man who doesn't want any more kids there are more reliable, permanent solutions than the "pullout" – unless Park Slope has gone Catholic all of a sudden.

Jeez Fucking Louise. I'm an old married dad myself but I think I have more in common with Masai tribesman than these creatures.

Bittersweet (#765)

@LondonLee You and I live in Boston. This'll pop up in Cambridge and JP in Fall 2013.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@Bittersweet The Self-Indulgent 40-Something Parental Ennui Age always follows the Soda Ban Age. It's just anthropology.

Leon (#6,596)

@boyofdestiny Anthropology is just a store where my middle-aged ass buys clothes for my NYU mistress.

GailPink (#9,712)

Aaaannnd…now we know the answer to the question, "Whatever happened to Amy Sohn?"

Xanthophyllippa (#204,144)

@GailPink Possibly also Amy Winehouse.

(…too soon?)

iantenna (#5,160)

when "and that's when i clicked 'close tab'" goes meta

@iantenna "and that's when I scrolled to the comments"

werewolfbarmitzvah (#16,402)

…Congratulations? How wonderful?

C_Webb (#855)

@werewolfbarmitzvah I sent a Bundt cake and a bouquet of ramps.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Oh, come ON. This can't be for real.

saythatscool (#101)

@scroll_lock As real as the boner I'm holding right now.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

gooby pls

Oh for fuck's sake. I hope you people are joking. I was born in '55 and recall even my Irish Catholic parents' circle getting about as soused as they could as often as they could while still making sure none of us fell into the East River. As for sex, every couple in their circle married in the Church and never divorced, so I assume they were all grabbing and/or banging each other as the opportunity arose. My god, how else do people stay married, handle a family and not shoot themselves?

iantenna (#5,160)

none of them wrote self-congratulatory blog posts.

atipofthehat (#797)

@iantenna

In those days, they mimeographed personal newsletters in church basements.

City_Dater (#2,500)

@SarahHeartburn

At least your parents and their friends probably had the good taste to not write about their joyless empty lives, because they knew REVOLUTIONARY ROAD already existed.

Eeks. Thanks for reminding me why I left the US.

jackvanimpish (#145)

@SarahHeartburn what is expat for "humblebrag"?

saythatscool (#101)

@SarahHeartburn @jackvanimpish We're playing Jeopardy now?

I'll take the rapists for $800, Alex.

@jackvanimpish Look, I've never spawned, having had better things to do with my pussy, but's what's wrong with drunken-drug addled promiscuity? Jeez. Kids today.

jackvanimpish (#145)

@SarahHeartburn Wait, I think you just confirmed the point I didn't even know I was making. I'm glad your pussy could fit this kindness into its (packed) schedule.

atipofthehat (#797)

Let's score some plaster and head to the Slope while they're still confused.

@jackvanimpish Smooch.

@jackvanimpish Well, I can't keep my pussy in my own mouth all the time. Now go on and read "The Little Prince" to your unborn children.

NinetyNine (#98)

I like Amy Sohn’s nonfiction (right?) personal essay on living in my neighborhood + a decade/kids, but not sure that means I’d like her novels.

How does Artur feel about this?

deepomega (#1,720)

My asian fuckbuddy! My asian fuckbuddy seems so huge-dicked, but I'm also scared about how to talk about my asian fuckbuddy without sounding racist.

Matt (#26)

So, did you fuck Asian actor John Cho or what?

Matt (#26)

(YOU THOUGHT I WAS GONNA GO B.D. WONG, DIDN'T YOU, NICCY???)

crescentmelissa (#10,702)

I really enjoyed this, so much. Thank you and looking forward to your novel.

saythatscool (#101)

@crescentmelissa You should get out more.
You should also get out less, probably.

crescentmelissa (#10,702)

@saythatscool Am I missing something?

Chloe Lum@facebook (#235,734)

@crescentmelissa Probably taste.

cherrispryte (#444)

@Chloe Lum@facebook well played, new kid. well played.

robxerox (#235,722)

I saw Tao Lin at Occupy Wall Street.

robxerox (#235,722)

And there were no excalation points! Except in the dialog!

Leon (#6,596)

Doing blow and quoting McInerney at a party full of dads in 2012 is exactly as when my high school friends dads used to walk into the kitchen and, as they pretended to not see our beers, would red-eyed-ly tell us to "Keep On Truckin'". Except maybe the deadhead dads were being 7-9% less douchey.

robxerox (#235,722)

Now teach us how to basket weave! And a rap song about it!

"Now I'm in the shop class or the basket-weavin'/With all the rest of the muthafuckas underachievin'/Man, this is an insult/I went to Junior High with all of them and they been slow"

saythatscool (#101)

WELCOME PINNERS!

I WILL EXPLAIN NOTHING TO YOU IN THIS THREAD.

redheadedandcrazy (#207,191)

@saythatscool I REGISTERED JUST TO COMMENT ON THIS …

… but i'm pretty sure this will be me as a mom.

Leon (#6,596)

@saythatscool – Can you explain to me when my 11 year old daughter should have her first gynecological exam? And do I have to be sober for that, or can I get drunk on sangria at Belleville Lounge and fellate a busboy first?

deepomega (#1,720)

@saythatscool How big does a man's dick have to be before commenting on it becomes racially fraught?

Leon (#6,596)

@deepomega – Is there a unified login for commenting on dicks or do we need a password for each individual pecker?

Art Yucko (#1,321)

9, 10 comments.

Ophelia (#75,576)

@saythatscool Oh, thank god. The only thing more disturbing than your basement was this article.

teenie (#235,723)

@redheadedandcrazy yes, i finally registered for this article too. uuuggghhhhhh

punkahontas (#14,609)

@teenie What I liked about this article is that it brought out so many 'pinners I haven't seen in awhile. (Myself included.) Hiiii!

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Peenterest

Faintly Macabre (#235,741)

@saythatscool I just registered and I am so hurt that this giant number is now next to my name. I think you should be a little more aware of your privilege as #101 and explain every comment to me.

Also, I just realized that I can steal the username of any 'pinner who hasn't registered for The Awl yet. (Hey, I don't have children, so I don't have fun things like cocaine to do.)

Tulletilsynet (#333)

The TWO MINUTES' HATE has run a bit long today …

Pandemic Endemic (#3,825)

Glaring omission of the "And That's When I Clicked 'Close Tab'" tab.

GLARING!!!

Icknae (#235,724)

This isn't perfect, but it's quite good. And all of you sanctimonious assholes are as full of shit as anyone else.

DMcK (#5,027)

@Icknae What's your sign? No, wait: you're a Drug Addict, aren't you!

melis (#1,854)

@DMcK Definitely Cat Marnell.

laurel (#4,035)

@melis Let's all meet back here when Cat gets pregnant.

Lemonnier (#14,611)

@Icknae PREGNANT WITH SPIDERRRRRRRRS

Matt (#26)

And That's When I Clicked "Touch Pecs"

Art Yucko (#1,321)

that's just some city in Hungary that Robert Moses would've razed to the ground.

atipofthehat (#797)

The first as farce, then as tragedy.

TrilbyLane (#1,318)

This is a posthumous post because at the line 'The difference between twenty-five and thirty-eight is that, at thirty-eight, when a strange man says he wants to have sex with you, you feel grateful', I died.

cherrispryte (#444)

@TrilbyLane I coldcocked myself at "Hookers, Sluts and Drug Addicts" so I've been commenting via iPhone in the back of an ambulance. They've got the bleeding under control by now, mostly.

saythatscool (#101)

@cherrispryte So arch, so meta.

atipofthehat (#797)

@cherrispryte

I keep wanting to make it into an acronym, but I have to DASH.

cherrispryte (#444)

@saythatscool LOVE ME.

Xanthophyllippa (#204,144)

@TrilbyLane Grateful that he doesn't press charges when I deliver a stunning kick to the 'nads for his presumption and entitlement, maybe.

laurel (#4,035)

@atipofthehat I'd hang out, smoke a bowl and run acronyms with you but I have to go cook dinner. We're having SHAD.

vunder (#219,744)

I understand why this horror show was cross posted on Hairpin, but why on the Billfold?

Ophelia (#75,576)

@vunder all those drugs cost money, yo.

meepbleep (#235,727)

@vunder maximum trolling exposure?

vunder (#219,744)

@Ophelia Without dollar signs it's not relevant to my interests.

zidaane (#373)

Someone is gonna need a new cat sitter.

Matt (#26)

Why, did Choire accept Krucoff's couch invite?

NinetyNine (#98)

BUT DOES HE HAVE BLANKETS?

meepbleep (#235,727)

The comments are definitely the highlights of this post.

Kate Croy (#973)

Amy, you're so behind the times, the new thing is drinking while pregnant. Nothing you do now can give your kids FAS, and so you will never be able to wear the Most Badass Mommy crown.

Also, our species deserves to be wiped out.

Matt (#26)

I am saying, WAIT UNTIL SHE DISCOVERS BATH SALTS.

Matt (#26)

Bath salts copyright 2012 the Book-length Wikipedia Entry on Mad Men Conglomerate LLC, all rights reserved.

@Matt I named my roaches after you :(

teenie (#235,723)

if/when i have kids, i hope i can successfully avoid the brainwashing that makes people refer to themselves in the third person parental, "mommy needs ______" etc etc

Bittersweet (#765)

@teenie Good luck with that.

teenie (#235,723)

@Bittersweet …either you think it's inevitable, or you think i'm a twat in training. either one isn't good.

guess it's time for that tubal ligation.

atipofthehat (#797)

Are those mom jeans in the picture? Those are mom jeans. In the picture. Of the mom.

Xanthophyllippa (#204,144)

@atipofthehat No, they're too low on the butt and narrow through the knees. Also, they don't have a Land's End label on them.

ETA: she might still have bought them at Sears, though.

Matt (#26)

I don't know but she should definitely be wearing saddle shoes and Haggar while drinking a diet Pepsi.

Xanthophyllippa (#204,144)

@Matt St. John's Bay, maybe?

NinetyNine (#98)

Now with more noise comments!

robxerox (#235,722)

@NinetyNine SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!

atipofthehat (#797)

@NinetyNine

YWML

Art Yucko (#1,321)

if it took this horrible essay being written in order for this beautiful comment thread to come into existence, i’m ok with it!

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

"I write it out in a verse- / Yucko and maura / And NinetyNine and Matt / Now and in time to be / Wherever Cat Flag shirts are worn / Are changed, changed utterly: / A terrible beauty is born."

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@Ophelia
Can no one be trusted in matters of taste? No one?

Brunhilde (#1,225)

The only people that refer to themselves as "Drug Addicts" are in rehab. The rest of us prefer "Drug Enthusiasts".

mc cool_friend (#235,733)

@Brunhilde Yeah, you know, I really try not to take myself too seriously. But despite that, shit like this grates on my nerves. Because actually BEING a drug addict is not really that cool or counterculture or rebellious.

mc cool_friend (#235,733)

@mc cool_friend Also, for some reason I was trying not to be flip so I didn't add this originally. WTF, right? But I envisioned this article being narrated to me by my Cousin's-neighbor's-friend–you know the one, who takes five minutes to get to the point of WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU CALLING FOR and is so vague that you don't know anyways b/c she doesn't know any synonyms for "cocaine" and "painkillers". Maybe in your case she is your ex boyfriends roommate's sister in law, but whatever, she is the same fucking lady. And like, she just does not fit in comfortably and you can't figure out why she WANTS to, what w/total immersion in drugs not being that great a lifestyle. And then probably she's brought some nervously over friendly girlfriend along so she is playing some weird role for her benefit a little even though you TOLD her not to fucking bring anyone, and if you didn't it's only b/c it never even occurred to you that you would have to TELL someone that. And then you charge them three times the going rate and take half their shit for yourself but even that only just barely makes you feel better about her posturing so that her friend can turn it into a story later that night about how what a closet badass she is.

Brunhilde (#1,225)

@mc cool_friend I wasn't sure if you were offended by my mocking or making the same observation about the post that I was at first but YES THIS. Ugh, they are the worst.

iantenna (#5,160)

her husband must be a real piece of work.

MadrasSoup (#167)

This reads like the plot summary to a movie trying to get funding via Kickstarter.

DMcK (#5,027)

@MadrasSoup Liz Phair cameo! Liz Phair cameo!

This article must have just done a lot of blow considering how interesting it thinks it is.

@Heather Thompson@facebook Nice work, facerookie!

This is, like, the worst Ask A Married Broad, ever.

r&rkd (#1,719)

I'd read a book-length version of this.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@josiah
You must be with Child Protective Services, then.

mollyringwald (#235,730)

Sex and the City is over. Over-generalizations about large groups of people that are based on the fifteen wealthy New Yorkers you hang out with isn't interesting, accurate or relevant. And if you can manage to be bored while writing a book and raising children, you're doing one or both of those things really poorly.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

I was a huge fan of your work in Townies.

Bonnie (#1,782)

@mollyringwald This makes Sex in the City look like a MacNeil/Lehrer production.

Aatom (#74)

Boy, did I pick the wrong week to quit drinking.

Faintly Macabre (#235,741)

@Aatom I picked the wrong week to stop snorting plaster with my metrocard.

Nancy Sin (#232,943)

Sally went to the bathroom and I waited in front of the door for her to finish. When she came out, I said, “Lemme see your tits.”

“Why?”

BECAUSE OF COURSE I SAID THAT

Area Woman Still Goes to Parties, Does Drugs, Drinks with Friends AFTER Having Children

zidaane (#373)

@HeyThatsMyBike Has really only one major regret

Chloe Lum@facebook (#235,734)

Worst article ever, by and about the worst people ever. This should be on xoJane.

Matt (#26)

Nah, xojane pays its contributors.

jhonlose2 (#235,735)

n5ce baby basket

jfruh (#713)

@jhonlose2 this is going to be my new catcall for slutty cokehead Park Slope moms. "HEY LADY, NICE BABY BASKET. I GOT SOMETHING YOU COULD PUT IN THAT BASKET. HEY, SMILE, LADY!" Don't worry, they're 38, they'll be grateful for it, right?

City_Dater (#2,500)

@jfruh

If you do this, please let me know when, because I'm going to be out offering cocaine and Viagra to their beaten-down husbands and we should probably try to coordinate schedules.

brad (#1,678)

i see that there are over 235k "people" registered to comment on this site. as i find this oppressively popular, i would like to auction my name and registered number (a fairly low one, so you'll look cool). i'll accept cash or postal money order.

Matt (#26)

Dude, Bard, I'd have paid for your ticket to All Tomorrow's Parties Presents Dude Ranch okay, man?

Faintly Macabre (#235,741)

@brad What will your wife say when she sees an envelope addressed to you from another woman?

brad (#1,678)

@Faintly Macabre – you know, she'll just get stoned and be grateful i'm still fucking her 38 year old ass. right?

38th. Wanna fuck?

Mr. B (#10,093)

@Clarence Rosario AVATAR REVERSION.

@Mr. B NOSTALGIA TRIGGER WARNING

saythatscool (#101)

@Clarence Rosario I kinda missed Clarence.

Conal Darcy@twitter (#197,399)

Still living in high school in your mid-forties. That's where I want to be.

"How much you wanna make a bet I can throw a football over them mountains?"

binkysdream (#173)

Boy, the unexamined life really isn't worth living. BTW, your kids know you're unhappy. You're not fooling anyone.

Jeanne S@twitter (#235,744)

The divorced moms having sex with everyone because of they still have their IUD's in from marriage totally contradicts the irresponsible marrieds getting pregnant because they don't practice birth control. Which is it? Oh, neither. It's just generalizations used to paint this picture, whichever way the author chooses to see it. Yes, some of this is true, there are all kinds of people, and assholes do exist, but obviously the author chooses to see what she wants for her story.

Poubelle (#214,283)

@Jeanne S@twitter That made no sense to me, too. (Of course, you'd think an affluent Park Slope parent might've met the type of teen who isn't remotely blasé about birth control because they've been told they HAVE to go to college, and Ivies and babies don't mix. And because unplanned pregnancies when you're young and unmarried and not yet settled in life really throw a wrench in things. But I guess their kids are too young and generalizations are everything.)

Outoftowner (#235,745)

I created an account simply to thank all the other commenters for counterbalancing the brain shrinking travesty of this article.

There is HOPE that not all the kids I teach in future will be knee jerk fascists craving order and certainty simply to escape this worse than Dickensian upbringing.

Jeanne S@twitter (#235,744)

At 38 you're grateful? Speak for yourself. I'm insulted. And at 50, I'll still be insulted. And 60.

cherrispryte (#444)

@Jeanne S@twitter There is so much in this article that is so profoundly offensive, both for women and for, you know, humanity, that just picking one line seems like wasted effort. The entire thing is fucking insulting.

Poubelle (#214,283)

FINALLY! I've found the target audience for Girls!

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

"Nothing changes, except you have to pay a sitter."

In Serbia, we say (roughly translated): an ass (donkey) went to Vienna, and came back still an ass. So yeah, nothing changes. For asses.

@Niko Bellic Do you people have to bring the Habsburgs into everything? (I assume you are referring to Archduchess Sophie, god rest her)

jfruh (#713)

@My Number Is My Address fun fact: Sophie was just a duchess, denied an equal title to her husband because she was Czech lower-nobility trash and the Emperor didn't want his heir marrying her in the first place any kids they might have had wouldn't have been heirs to the throne and OH GOD WHY DO I KNOW ALL THIS IT'S A SICKNESS

@jfruh I'm actually mortified that I made such a stupid mistake. It was early in the morning. A morgenatic posting if you will.

Mr. B (#10,093)

@jfruh Can you explain why some spell it Hapsburg and others Habsburg? And which is correct?? Wikipedia is no help in this matter!

blergh (#177,628)

@Mr. B Habsburg. Only Habsburg. I have oddly passionate feelings on this subject. It's sometimes spelled with a "p" in English, but that's just crazy.

Also, in processions Sophie always had to walk at the very end, behind all the old aunts and super young kids, as a very visible sign of what her place was in the Habsburg hierarchy.

Bittersweet (#765)

@jfruh (Sung to the Flintstones)
Habsburgs, meet the Habsburgs
They're the modern Austrian monarchy
When you're with the Habsburgs
It's a page right out of historrreeee

@Mr. B In German some Bs are pronounced more like Ps than they are in English. This is how brezels became pretzels in English. So even with the spelling difference the pronunciation stays the same, which is closer to "Hapsburg" even though, yeah, Habsburg is the right spelling.

melis (#1,854)

@blergh you mean her "blace" in the Habsburg hierarchy

Mr. B (#10,093)

@My Number Is My Address I'm just another helpless victim of high school AP Eurpoean History. (Not to mention four years of high school German — I could tell you that Vs are pronounced like Fs, but not the B/P thing. Gah!)

On an extremely non-sequitur note (this being comment #377 or so!), am I the only one who thought it was insufferably twee how everyone insisted in calling the Turin Olympics the Torino Olympics? Because I've never heard anyone try to say München instead of Munich, and so on.

blergh (#177,628)

@melis and I should probably call her "Sobhie."

@Mr. B Yes. Totally. And English speakers are pretty much the only ones who do it. The French still call Beijing (which we at least horribly mispronounce) "Pekin" and not only do the Russians still [often] say "Constantinople" but they also get to call China "Kitai" (Cathay). Basically what I'm saying is "Where's my parade?"

I think after 350 it's an open thread.

Mr. B (#10,093)

@My Number Is My Address This comment thread has become far more educational than Amy Sohn's little essay deserved.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@My Number Is My Address
Ah, so maybe you can tell me, then: Why did Constantinople get the works?

@Tulletilsynet Ask Amy's friends (cuz it's nobody's business but the jerks).

Aaaaand that's a full circle. Well done everybody!

brosephgoebbels (#235,763)

Amy, FYI it's not regression…you've always been an asshole. Also, everyone with even the slightest bit of knowledge about "Brownstone Brooklyn" knows that 75% of everything you write is complete bullshit. In the 90s you were the shittier version(if that possible) of Candace Bushnell; now you are like a creepy, old distant cousin to Lena Dunham that follows her around at a family party shouting "OMG I'm just like you!" and "I've been living in Brooklyn for years!"

atipofthehat (#797)

Funny, I was beginning to suspect that some responses to this post could be filed under Young Folks Shouting "Get Off My Lawn, You Middle-agers!" I can see them now, outraged, shaking their smooth, inexperienced fists.

cherrispryte (#444)

I just want you to know, if you ever need anything, don't be shy, OK? There are NO rules in the house. I'm not like a regular mom, I'm a cool mom.

C_Webb (#855)

@cherrispryte If a cool mom falls in the forest, does she get a book deal?

DMcK (#5,027)

@C_Webb If "The Forest" is a bar in Greenpoint, then yes.

C_Webb (#855)

@DMcK "The Forest" is a neighborhood in Queens that is supposed to be the next Brooklyn, but is secretly actually already in Brooklyn.

Gena (#235,770)

As a Brooklyn parent who's not wealthy but manages OK, and who happens to be turning 40 in a couple weeks, I offer a giant middle finger to this phony-ass "Real Housewives of Brooklyn" shit. This is not "typical behavior" of bored working or stay at home mothers. It doesn't even sound believable. Maybe it would have sounded more believable if the second half of your post didn't mention that you just happen to be publishing a book soon that just happens to be just like the supposed real people you call your friends. Wasn't your last book pretty much proven to be largely bullshit? How much mileage are you going to get out of this "bored aging mommy" thing?

And, because it needs to be stated once again: that whole "when you're 38 you're grateful if a man says he'll have sex with you" thing is really fucking repulsive.

Mr. B (#10,093)

@Gena "Really fucking repulsive" is an excellent phrase to have in your arsenal when commenting on The Awl! A++

JW Mason (#10,308)

Is this the worst Awl post ever? Sure, why the hell not.

ew, just ew

Tim Donnelly (#6,230)

Ladies, ditch the zeros, get with the heroes.

iwantyrskull (#1,706)

hey guys! am i late? i brought a bundt… oh.

mfabeliever (#231,229)

I've never been so relieved to read the contents of a comments section. Thank you, Awl readers, for restoring my will to live.

suze28 (#235,785)

To all of you that think this is strictly happening in Brooklyn or think that moving to the suburbs is going to be different- this is happening in the suburbs of CT but worse! My younger single sister sent this to me as this is abouther neighborhood that I had just vistited for the first time. It was kind of a "ha ha, can you believe this happens" Instead I replied with wow, just like my friends and me out here in CT.

robxerox (#235,722)

"Two dad friends I know go out once a month to a nightclub, sit at a table, swallow Xanax recreationally with beer, and make each other laugh."

I don't believe this.

C_Webb (#855)

@robxerox What is a "nightclub?"

@C_Webb It's a disco for millenials.

The only thing different from this stroy and what was described in literature and movies of the the early 60's is the use of illegal drugs instead of prescribed barbituates, amphetimenes (diet pills). The idea of the ladies who lunch is exactly what this remins me of. I also have to add that not everyone lives this way and in fact I think there are more that don't than do.

Milton Wah@twitter (#235,787)

I enjoyed the scene featuring the Rangy Divorcee. u could feel the simmering desire as the narrator inhaled the forbidden musk of The Orient.

robxerox (#235,722)

Three dads I know did peyote then started preaching about Buddha on the G train.

Urban Mommy (#235,792)

Yo! I want to hang out with these people.

tee (#16,308)

@Urban Mommy Aren't these people just the greatest?

Wait! The plaster was COCAINE!?

I am so late to this party…

Anarcissie (#3,748)

Book = Peyton Place + Last Exit To Brooklyn.
It's nice to know someone is keeping up the traditions.

Shirkimer (#423)

pffffft.

gibbon2jay (#235,749)

lol

Relief spilled over me when I got to the comments; thanks everyone for not liking this.

why why constant confirmation of my suspicion that everything about getting older sucks (except for the money money money)

@Kaitlyn Flynn@twitter It doesn't actually! I think it only sucks if you sucked to begin with!

robxerox (#235,722)

@Kaitlyn Flynn@twitter It sucks and there's no money.

Milton Wah@twitter (#235,787)

looks like no one gives a shit about Uganda this week

robxerox (#235,722)

@Milton Wah@twitter Do the moms there do drugs?

This piece is pretty sensationalist. As a born and raised Manhattanite cum Brooklyn resident of the same age as the author who even worked at Miladys, I have a different view of our world…. Yes, my girlfriends and I call each other bitches and sluts affectionately and I think it's cute, not because I'm a "regressive" but because I'm from Manhattan my whole life biatch! If I was from Spain I'd say "puta madre." No one argues that doing coke or pills is good, and real grown ups don't continue to cheat or wreck each other like that unless they live totally unexamined lives. Fuck, relationships are hard, i don't know… Also Ms Sohn makes herself sound a bit superior in all of it… I can't imagine she'll keep too many of those friends she's writing about. I liked a recent Jezebel piece about how great it is to be a mom and a pothead. There was also a piece in the Times not too long ago which spoke about the rhythm method being more effective than the pill if done correctly. Thanks for the different perspectives and a lively discussion.
http://jezebel.com/5905455/im-a-mom-and-im-stoned-right-now

Milton Wah@twitter (#235,787)

@Sarah Willis@facebook do u only cum in latin?

Pathetic. That's what you and your friends are. I'm serious.

hrum (#235,852)

Ooh adults masturbate, go out once in a while and get drunk, dance to crappy music and smoke pot. ask any 20 people of this age group for tales of debauchery and i'm sure you'll get some real doozies.
to turn it into an epidemic is irresponsible journalism _ or is this an excerpt from her novel?

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@hrum
The journalistic sensation here is that they don't do anything else. Bonobos in paradise.

Senor_Wences (#2,234)

This has been bothering me for days: "…paying hipster boys five dollars for a cigarette."

What? Who is setting that price?

I'm reminded of a Norm McDonald stand-up joke about lying for no good reason at all. '"Did you ever see that movie with Meryl Streep and a horse?" "Yes!" What the hell am I lying about this time? I stand to gain NOTHING by this lie."

hheyDUDE (#235,886)

HEY AMY WHAS UP LOL. IM DOWN IN THE SLOPE AND I WAS WONDERING IF U COULD HOOK ME UP W/ UR BOY TED. NEED SOME WEED LOL
PEACE

PS WOULDNT MINE MEETIN THAT CHICK SALLY EITHER LOL

This is obviously a sly anarchist's way of prompting revolution in the proletariat. Come ON, proletariat! Revolt, already!

Beth Donovan (#235,915)

What a miserable life these people are leading. Is there no creativity left? This is how 'adults' enjoy themselves?

I'm so glad I'm half the country away from New York.

JustAFan (#235,917)

Thanks, Amy! LOL "whine o'clock." This is great and I can really relate although, instead of a negative regression, I finally threw up my figurative hands and decided to take a class in algebra(yeah, that which I tried mightily to ignore in 1oth grade).

The path to contentment is so elusive and quite possibly part of a never ending path of spirituality. Might not be as "fun" or entertaining, but it sure beats acting like an a**hole.

mo8719 (#235,920)

Your children are doomed…unless you can somehow find your way back to civilization.

Not sure if I believe this writer's reporting. The excess and ennui are pretty exaggerated (reminding one of Hunter S. Thompson's stories of the copious amounts of booze and drugs he consumed, and was yet able to spin out prose whose clarity suggested he wasn't as loaded as advertised).

However, if this report is accurate, what a wasteland this woman lives in. I fear for the children of the imbeciles portrayed here.

Big-Trapper (#235,925)

I am going to copy this crap of all the problems that these women have in their lives. And I am going take it back with me to Afghanistan. I would like for the Men in my unit to read about the kind of people that they are getting kill for. These people in this article make me sick. I guess that we Infantrymen are stupid because we take on the world as it really is at the age of 18. In war you can not play games like kids or want everything to go the way we want it to. The lives of the men to our left and right depend on us doing our jobs and being adults. We are hated by most people written about in this article. But we are the ones that die keeping them safe in this world. Is it to much to ask that these people grow up and become adults? I am the same age as the people in the article that this woman wrote about and I cam tell you that My life is hard, but I suck it up and act like an adult. Because peoples lives depend on me acting like an adult, just like these women kids depend on their mothers being adults. Sgt. Maj. US ARMY AIRBORNE INFANTRY

Californio (#235,930)

Remember any number of disaster movies that show the destruction of New York or Los Angeles? (day after tomorrow, 2012, etc?).

Well, after reading this article it will be hard not to cheer and laugh when I see these scenes of cataclysmic destruction – all those "regressives" getting killed (sigh, metaphorically of course, for it is only a movie).

Oh oh! and the best part – "I am a novelist…" Bahhhhhahahahhahhhahahahahahahahaha. Yeah – ok. Go get drunk, snort some blow and wonder why you feel like your life is meaningless…….oh, that's right. Because IT IS.

ngrealy@twitter (#235,931)

Pathetic narcissists is the mildest way to describe the author and the people depicted in this article. It's enough to make the blandest resident of middle America realize he or she is the moral, intellectual, and cultural superior of such human dreck.

peg (#235,978)

Wow…. I’m a friggen awesome parent, and I mean top-notch. I usually worry about my children’s food not being totally Organic, or forgetting there dose of Cod liver oil for the day. I genuinely care that there happy and healthy every day. and almost always feel i could be doing better but not today- today I am praising my efforts, not because these people are who I should compare myself to- but that I am so far from it…is it really that hard to just enjoy your kids and husband- to roll your eyes at the dumb shit and laugh with the good stuff? These people need to figure out what the point to there lives are and stop having children they don’t really want to be parents for. This is why I adopt, because of people like this that get them taken away, because they can not sacrifice, and do not really know what love is.

peg (#235,978)

BIG-TRAPPER;
My husband and I are both full time Canadian solders and have done tours to Afghanistan, keep the faith man; there are WAY more good people then these peaces of shit. There are thousands and thousands of good parents that treasure your work in there hearts, and remain good and faithful parents and spouses every day. Fight for us, as we fight for you- I have met top notch Americans who I am proud of, and that’s who I think of when I think of Americans.

motherhood is way overrated and quite slavish at times…they act like men…about time women get equal to the BS they have dealt with for centuries! you men bore us!!!

jwork (#235,993)

"These women are the men their mothers divorced." No. These women are the women their husbands will soon divorce… if smart.

I wish I could go back in time, convince scientists to centralize the internet onto one massive super-computer, then wait for this website to be created, then this post created, then launch a nuclear warhead into it and obliterate all of humanity in the process.

somedayistoday (#236,035)

I don't know if anyone has ever read Ned Vizzini's "Teen Angst? Naah…", but it has a fascinating anecdote about the author of this piece. Apparently when Vizzini was in high school (so about 15 years ago), he wrote for the New York Press and they invited him to one of their cocktail parties. Amy Sohn was there too, and after having too much to drink she told this kid the details of her sexual history and offered him no-strings-attached sex to help him lose his virginity. Later she tried to pass it off as a drunken misstep.

I've no idea if this sort of comment is socially acceptable here (I made an account specifically to post this) but I felt like I just had to share this fascinating bit of gossip with all you fine people.

shelven (#1,992)

I believe this is what as known as a hate-publish.

Matthew Phelan (#10,133)

Let's get to 500 comments, ppl!

500 universally negative comments!

Matthew Phelan (#10,133)

@Matthew Phelan I seriously can't believe that this is still gaining comments a week later.

@Matthew Phelan August 20! still on the "most popular" list. Who says hate on the internet is passé?

Matthew Phelan (#10,133)

@Jeremy Mesiano-Crookston It's impressive, and should quiet the "hate on the internet" haters.

HOWEVER, it's not going to make me happy until we reach 500 comments. Come on, ppl!

Sharon Horgan (#236,087)

isn't this the plot of "Pulling?"
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pulling_(TV_series)

Adiko Josh (#237,392)

@Sharon Horgan I dont think so.

shudder (#5,913)

I leave the Awl for a couple weeks to return to this shit? Serious question: are these ny mag things a regular occurrence now?

Bourgie Snooze. You guys have nothing on my parents, and my parents were the better behaved ones. Lighten up, maybe? The guilt and frustration and ridiculous expectations of your vanilla lifestyles are not only what's sending you to the shrink for the Xanax but also to the bar for your "gruners" and to Facebook for your dalliances. But hey Amy, at least your writing has improved with age!

(Did anyone else laugh imagining the Williamsburg set taking the G to Park Slope? Like the old timers say, "as IF"!)

fried mars bar (#3,055)

Posting in an epic thread.

While such honestly is always to be applauded in my opinion, I must be honest as well: this sickens me.

This is not feminism. It is not women just doing what men misguidedly, insensitively, savagely do to women all the time. This is women having found good men who have committed to them and throwing that trust and conviction by the wayside. It is every bit as selfish and destructive as what like minded men do to women when the reverse is the case.

As someone who would die before he would betray the trust of a woman who truly loved and made a commitment to him, this is just sickening. This makes me want to simply give up on ever finding love, because in addition to the other slights and injuries women have inflicted on me over the years, I now feel that any pursuit of a real commitment in today's society is futile. Good job.

Enjoy the party. Those of us with scruples will just sit on the sidelines miserable and wishing for a better world that doesn't exist.

ktrsBklyn (#1,683)

@Anonymous Anonimity@twitter I posit that this is just a hyperbolic essay meant to garner a lot of noise, which it has, so in that way it's successful. I live in or nearabouts this supposed world she's describing, and this piece doesn't ring remotely true.

avalon111 (#236,356)

You and your friends should have your children taken away from you. You are rich and spoilt and disgusting. What kind of example are you setting for your kids by publishing this smut. The world is effed up – and you are the cause. Just STFU already.

avalon111 (#236,356)

Women in third world impovrished countries who have to witness their children being raped and murdered would die for what you have – the chance everyday to share in your child's life and to see them happy and healthy. Do you think they would be focused on masterbation and cheating!! OMG. Would be a good swap – them for you.

MBG (#236,366)

You and your friends are vile and repugnant human beings. Your children will one day grow up and be ashamed of you, or even worse, act like you.

ktrsBklyn (#1,683)

This doesn't ring even remotely true, and I'm a Classic Park Slope Mom in good standing, who fills the birthday-party pinata with the worst kind of candy, probably made in China, then makes up for it (or so she thinks) by giving toothbrushes from the Coop in the goodie bag which is actually a reusable muslin drawstring sack.
Ya gotta say this for Amy Sohn, she sure sounds like she's trying hard, trying real hard. Whine O'Clock is a good line, but I doubt she wrote it.

BardCollege (#2,307)

"The Drug Addict is a therapist who can drink a bottle of Cabernet in one sitting." Are you fucking kidding me? A whole BOTTLE of wine! This is amateur hour in far too many dimensions. You all suck.

Mika (#236,467)

I am a woman in my 50s and I have never been more happy and content in my life than I am now. Why? Because I made good choices in my 30s and 40s. I took care of those I loved and continue to do so. I valued and nurtured my relationships, never taking them for granted and worked towards making those relationships a priority in my life. It took decades to build the solid, loving relationships I have in my life today.

It is sad and pathetic that women in our culture our investing in such futile, vapid and destructive pursuits. Our culture has regressed into a depraved state of narcissism. The types of women the author describes have no sense of impulse control and are gluttonous in fulfilling their every debased whim. Obviously, their whims come first, their families second. Actually, their families are merely narcissistic extensions of what they want to portray to the world. And they use things like facebook and twitter as a way to fuel their narcissism, because it’s really all about them and no one else.

They are behaving worse than 20 year olds. There is something about entering the late teens and 20s. Generally speaking (in very much broad terms), it is a stage in life when we are biologically and developmentally imbalanced. The 20s is a time we are trying to figure out who we are, trying new things, engaging in risky behavior, and for many of us, learning some very uncomfortable lessons in life as a result of these choices. The 20s is, for most people in American culture, a very selfish period of development in which we focus entirely too much thought & energy upon oneself. And in many ways, we need to do this, in order to learn and grow. It is a rite of passage for 20 years old to go through this intense self-realization boot camp.

As we progress, we focus on our relationships, those we love, whether they are friends, significant others, children, parents, siblings, etc. As we progress, we realize that our choices expand beyond just ourselves. Our choices expand towards the people we love and who love us in return. We being to develop a deeper sense of empathy and realize how our choices impact the ones who depend on us. We depend on each other. As you mature, you don’t take as many risks, you become focused on stability and providing that for your loved ones through many venues (physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually). You begin to think ahead, to the future generations of your family, and you hope they will be taken care of when you are gone. You begin to realize that we don’t know how much time we have on this earth, it can be gone any moment. Life is a precious gift that we share with those we truly love. Why would someone want to waste it in a constant drunken state, flashing strangers in a bar, and behaving like a selfish moron?

Jeff1968 (#236,479)

I agree with Mika. Thanks for being one of the "good ones" because there are so few of you these days. Bottom line to this story is that all States need to go back to recognizing that Adultery and Financial Infidelity are crimes that should be punished as is with any other crime. I'll bet that would slow this behavior down a bit if you hold these women accountable for their actions because they violated the marraige agreement? That's the problem. There are no consequences and they even get half of their Husband's stuff. In their mindset I'll bet their thinking, "Hell, why not?" Nothings going to happen to me anyway? Ha Ha Ha! Not cool and there is a special place in hell for these women.

Mr. B (#10,093)

@Jeff1968 See, you guys? Clicking on a three-week-old post to see what's doing at the bottom of the comment thread is seldom without its rewards!

The thing that always bothers me with Amy Sohn, besides the constant brand name dropping, is that this is her little world and her small sect of people, which might actually be a statistical number, albeit small. But she writes as if we are all guilty of her groups sins and that it is to assume that this encompasses everyone. There are over 30,000 people in Park Slope alone and than count the rest of Brownstone Brooklyn that she writes about the number swells to almost half a million. She should write as if it were just her group of a few dozen. This affords her the luxury to just make shit up. "I know a woman in Mountclair who…, "There are even families in Prospect Heights that…".

jsuan (#236,719)

I think Amy needs to hang out with more nerdy park slope moms like myself who don't give a shit about partying or doing drugs and actually enjoy date night with out husbands.. But I think we might be too boring for people like Amy who enjoy drama and acting like 20 year olds… no offense to 20 somethings…

Amy, you are quite the shit disturber… Maybe the Rush Limbaugh of Park Slope?

Is this supposed to be funny? Is this supposed to be about real people who live in Brooklyn? Oh, wait, it's about people who came from everywhere else.

Creampanter (#236,752)

Every Thursday me and the dudes swap dice rolls on a dilapidated mahogany table in south Greensboro. We have adopted the pseudonyms Hotballs, Neckbeard and Creampanter. They dubbed me Creampanter because of the way my ejaculate explodes prematurely upon my tightly crimped Goodwill jeans, whenever even the most remote possibility of sexual excitation occurs. Sam, the leader and backstreet computervangelist, is Hotballs, for the way his pubic hair compacts across his wholly unimpressive frame in a mosslike pattern of sadness. The Neckbeard is an unassuming heavy weight contender for functional alcoholic of the year, with overtones of light racism. (All names and some details have been changed because most of this story is shamefully fabricated to satiate the grocery store perusing summer sale novelites that permeate my Peabody fantasy world.)

Most work, all fail. The congress of egos begins and ends with accounts of masturbatory extrapolations concerning highschool yearbooks and type-casted, silicone automatons of yesteryear’s porncon. We argue over whether Han shot first.

The first time we D&D’d, it was beneath the rain sweltered airducts of an antediluvian split level where Hotballs’ mother dodged rent collectors and milkmen. The basement’s exposed ceiling crawled menacingly with insectoid vermicids and molded studs. That’s when I met Leroy. “Leroy fucking sucks,” said John, a Neckbeard. I couldn’t wait to enjoy the company of one so behind on the evolutionary timetable.

Leroy sucked way hard. In grim candor he sexted unmercifully to his ex-cousin, then retreated into the bathroom to take half quivering bodyshots of George Dickle.

“What’s your tattoo say?”

“What tattoo?”

I pointed to the slithering patchwork of varicose veins that snaked up his ankloids, mistaking them for body art.

Ok, I'm sorry, I can't continue. This article is too disgusting to even satirize anymore.

Lj1736 (#236,853)

Offensive. These women are public embarrassments. Also the line "Divorced women having sex with fifteen-year old boys" should be changed to "Divorced women committing felonious statutory rape." Sadly, in this depraved neighborhood, the uber-trendy women probably get together once a week over French Martinis to tee-hee over the dick-sizes of the children they've raped.

This article makes me want to join al Queda.

Oh and, thanks for the tid-bit about the whore who cheated on her husband in the back of a mini-van and didn't feel guilty about it, and instead bragged about it to her friends. I hope her husband leaves her in five years for a 23 year old with better tits and her kids grow up to be Ultra-Conservative Republicans.

Harry1970 (#237,243)

After reading this I have the same depressed feeling I get after watching the Real Housewives of New Jersey . If any of portion this is real all I can say is I am so sorry for Amy Sohn and her friends, and their very sad lives. If she has kids, for their sake, she needs to run.

Owlina (#237,313)

The sad thing is that she thinks she's bored, but she's really just BORING. I don't know why empty people like this always think their vanity-project offspring will give their lives meaning or redeem them from having never done anything useful or interesting. What did she expect?

Thedude (#237,336)

I may be a twenty something…but I applaud the rejection of becoming old and boring. You might as well live and do something fun instead of sitting at home watching tv and talking about your cousins wedding.

Obviously all the other commenters are old farts who act like old farts. Feck em.

Once a slut, always a slut.

That's EXACTLY why men have problems committing to sluts AND why women are so guarded about their number.

All of these women were sluts in their teens and 20's. Once they got older they decided they "deserved" a loving husband, a provider etc. They "deserved" children and "deserved" the white picket fence lifestyle. They got it. And now they are just reverting to the whores they really are.

They don't care about putting their "good husbands" health and even lives at risk. There are over 100 types of HPV now in addition the other STD's. They also do not care about their children.

They are selfish. They only care about themselves. Your getting older. Deal with it. If you want to be a whore that's fine. Be a whore. But you have absolutely no business getting married to anyone.

Later, after cheating and ruining their "good husbands" and children they decide they "deserve" half of everything, and payments.

This is why men should not get married. There is NOTHING in it for a man to get married anymore.

Once a whore, always a whore.

Celine Jefferson (#244,472)

There are some honest expressions being shown here I love it! regards, Sandra

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178451956@twitter (#254,982)

This is another one of those articles I read and smugly think 'thank Dawkins I'm not married to a 'Murkin woman!'

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