Actually Liveblogging The Oscars Part 2: House Of Blog And Sand

Now this is happening too!

Alex Balk (9:20): Welcome to the second section of our liveblogging extravaganza. It is brought to you by Awl publisher David Cho’s belief that by offering an empty commenting area we will somehow maximize pageviews. For our earlier coverage of tonight’s astounding ceremony, please go here. Now that this unpleasantness is out of the way, let us continue.

AB (9:20): John Hughes: still dead.

AB (9:21): Clearly, all the actors who showed up for the John Hughes tribute were not exactly like, “I need to check my schedule for that night.”

AB (9:22): Not only does your heart die when you get older, your face bloats, your skin sags, your hair goes gray, and you play second banana to Charlie Sheen on some inexplicably popular ABC sitcom.

AB (9:23): When you think “the year’s most heartwarming animated feature, a movie which sent adults into paroxysms of tears even though it was ostensibly a children’s film,” you totally think Samuel L. Jackson, right?

AB (9:25): This is completely unrelated to anything, but for various reasons that I will not go into here, I saw Big this morning for the first time in 20 or so years. And you know what? It is actually still a pretty great movie! Except the very end, where you’re like, oh, wait, Elizabeth Perkins has been fucking a 13-year-old all this time? Kind of creepy! Anyway, more Oscars now!

AB (9:28): Carey Mulligan could totally win an Oscar in Young Judi Dench.

AB (9:30): I can go smoke now, right? I mean, who gives a shit about short films, besides Helen Mirren’s husband?

AB (9:31): I did NOT see Logorama winning. Nor did I see Logorama.

AB (9:33): Clearly, if you make a short documentary, it’s a good idea to call it “The Last [Something]”

AB (9:34): Best short documentary guy just got Kanye’d by his own producer? Or something. VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!

AB (9:38): Ben Stiller is a national treasure. And a good example of why the Jews and the Irish should not be allowed to breed.

AB (9:39): I bet James Cameron’s next wife is in the audience right now.

AB (9:40): Makeup? You guys are on your own.

AB (9:43): Is a backwards beret some kind of Bizarro-world gang thing?

AB (9:44): While they are running the Serious Man montage can I say how excited I am for True Grit? If you have not read anything by Charles Portis I highly recommend you open a new window right now and buy one of his books. My favorite is Dog of the South, but, really, you can’t go wrong with any of them.

AB (9:50): Come on In The Loop.

AB (9:50): Oooh, Reitman is getting NOTHING.

AB (9:51): And now I am nostalgic for “I love you more than rainbows, baby.”

AB (9:54): This year’s Governor’s Award recipients video is sort of like watching a trailer to next year’s Parade of the Dead, right?

AB (9:56): I can’t wait for Mo’Nique’s speech!

AB (10:00): You know what? Good for her!

AB (10:01): Um, Mo’nique was kind of the perfect example of what a great acceptance speech should be. Much appreciated. And now, Cho.

DC (10:02): I’m really into Carey Mulligan now, seriously, how adorable is she? And I think I support her dating of Shia Lebouf!

DC (10:03): So, in case you were looking for even MORE haha’s, here are some good Twitterers to follow: Mary HK Choi (obvs) and Max Silvestri

DC (10:06): I only found out earlier this year that Sigourney Weaver and Susan Sarandon were two different people. In retrospect, that was really stupid.

DC (10:07): ABADAH!!!! (Do people remember that? Sooo good.)

DC (10:08): What is with the mics picking up every single whisper? It sounds like LOST seasons 1 and 2 when the Others were running around the forest?

DC (10:08): Is this the most heartfelt and emotionally compelling design speech of all time? That guy seemed like a really nice person.

DC (10:10): Man, remember when Tom Ford said he was going to direct movies after leaving Gucci and everyone was like, “Yeah, sure…” and now he’s like, doing it? Good for him. Also, I really don’t understand how Sarah Jessica Parker is regarded as attractive? Am I wrong, or was it one of those “best of what’s around” sort of things from the early ‘90’s?

DC (10:11): “Well I already have two of these…” WHAT A BITCH! Also, for someone who won for costume design, she sure doesn’t know how to dress herself. I’m not a fashion expert, but I’m pretty sure SEQUINED SHINY BERET ISN’T THAT ATTRACTIVE LOOKING ON ANYONE.

DC (10:12): Uh, Charlize Theron’s boobs are accentuated by flowers, and I am completely down with that.

DC (10:13): OOOOOOOOOH, AN iPAD COMMERCIAL!!! (I guess? Or something?)

DC (10:15): Sidebar-ish: Is it kind of a bummer to people who haven’t seen the all of movies that these little featurettes showing the big nominees are, in a large part, super spoiler-y?

DC (10:17): Has there ever been a funny Paranormal Activity spoof? I feel like I’ve seen at least six and not really been entertained by any of them.


DC (10:20): I can’t believe they have so many unnecessarily long montage things and yet the Oscar people still insisted on not letting that nice looking old guy, who looked like the old guy from UP, who won for best short whatever give a thank you speech.

DC (10:21): Well that was a sort of square peg into a round hole type thing by fitting Twilight into the horror film montage.

DC (10:22): That whole horror montage was whatever the watching equivalent of tl;dr is.

DC (10:23): Man, how was the Dark Knight not nominated for Best Picture last year? It was so awesome.

DC (10:25): Best Sound Editing goes to the Hurt Locker. I seriously cannot get over how hot Kathryn Bigelow is. Why did James Cameron ever let her go? I definitely back this dude and his Asian wife and his deciding to look like the henchman from The Davinci Code look.

DC (10:34): OOPS, the site kind of wonked out for a second. Which is unfortunate because I have LOTS of thoughts on John Travolta and the ABC show V!

DC (10:36): Sandra Bullock annoys me — ESPECIALLY her “jokes”. You know who doesn’t annoy me though? Katie Baker who is now handling the liveblog!

Katie Baker (10:37): Oh god, here comes the Parade of the Dead. JAMES TAYLOR. Wish it were “Sweet Baby James.” Goodnight you moonlight ladies, indeed. While we’re waiting, a question: Kristen Stewart’s raspy-voiced excuse, I presume, is that she LOVES TO SMOKE THE WEED. What say you, Demi?

KB (10:40): Roy E. Disney totally got name-recognition clapping. Both Michael Jackson and Natasha Richardson — predicted final applause candidates — got sandwiched in the middle, and ultimately kind of … no one got the “prime” posish?

KB (10:45): Some sundry items while randoms dance ethnically on my screen. (What is this, the Canadian closing ceremonies?)

I have figured out what Sarah Jessica Parker’s dress best resembles and the answer is this: these decorative jewel-encrusted shower curtain hangers.

Perhaps you, like me, looked at Sigourney Weaver and were like now wait just one minizzle, hasn’t she worn that dress before? And the answer is yes, and also yes. By which I mean: this dress in green is what originally came to mind, but it turns out she’s also gone to the red one-shoulder well before. Check out this spectacular clip from the 1989 Golden Globes in which PHYLLIS NEFLER AND PHIL COLLINS present her with the award for Best Supporting Actress in Working Girl.

“Well, this is one for bad girls, I guess,” she said on stage. Talk about bad girls: check out that saucy sideboob!

KB (10:51): I know I’m way late at this, but speaking as the child of a Mary Kay “saleswoman” I have to point out that the only horror story component in Edward Scissorhands is whenever Dianne Wiest trilled “Aaaavon caaaallllllling!”

KB (10:53): The Oscar for Best Original Score goes to Michael Giacchino for “Up.” Aw, words of (probably non-) wisdom from him: “If you want to be creative, get out there and do it. It’s not a waste of time. DO IT.”

Oh yeah and the Oscar for Visual Effects goes to Avatar, natch.

KB (11:01): Twitter is telling us that Farrah Fawcett and Bea Arthur were missing from the March of the Deaduins. I’m too lazy to rewind to fact-check, which I guess was probably the Oscar video putter-togethers’ problem too.

KB (11:06): An earlier-received IM:

Friend: Who the heck is Tyler Perry
Friend: I thought it was a girl
Friend: That person is in everything though

KB (11:08): And the Oscar for editing goes to: the most delightfully awkward couple of all time. “…and, uh, my wife.” Hey, better job under pressure than Hilary Swank!

KB (11:12): I think we’re transitioning to a new post now, which sounds like something George Clooney would say to you over webcam because yeah, admit it, you are basically the Stephanie Voorhees of your office, aren’t you?