Posts Tagged: Panic
6

Sundays Are Killing Us And They Must Be Stopped

In a bygone world, Sunday was a day of rest. It was sacred. In the workweek world, Sunday is a day for dread. It is where the rest of the week's anxiety pools up; it is the day that, before going to sleep, we must bathe in our fears. This tradition is also sacred, but now it is under attack.

A traditional Anxiety Sabbath is scheduled as follows:

1. A late rise followed by overeating, which stretches far enough into the morning, or early afternoon, to create a sense of lost time.

2. Pause. First hint of dread.

3. Consternation: Unnecessary chores.

4. Momentary resolve: Necessary chores.

5. [...]

5

Kids Making Drinking More Efficient

"It's binge-drinking in an instant. It's like doing five or six shots, into your bloodstream, right away," says a guy who ostensibly means to discourage such behavior among young people.

18

I Saw A Bed Bug On The Bus

So I saw my first bed bug in New York City this weekend and, thank god, it was not in my apartment. It was in a pretty bad place, though. On a bus, the M9, on the sleeve of the windbreaker of a man sitting right next to me and my kid and my kid's friend. We were with my kid's friend's mom, too, heading to their house to have lunch after karate class. (The kids are in the class, not us adults. Still, though, I've been watching. So don't fuck with me.)

There is no doubt that it was a bed bug.

5

Mexicans Want To Eat Your Flesh

AVOID MEXICO, says the front page of the New York Times now. (Due to swine flu, dontcha know.) Oh, panic everyone, panic! It's a flu!) Says the NY Times commenters in return…

1

The Panics Of Yesteryear

What do you suppose we'll be looking back on twenty years from now and saying, "Can you imagine people ever falling for this shit?"

16

You Can Panic and Gloat or Not Panic and Gloat But Not Both

"I predict a 20% chance that New York City will experience a storm surge in excess of 8 feet that will over-top the flood walls in Manhattan and flood the subway system." —EVERYONE PANIC. Or you know, go buy a flashlight and stop worrying.

46

Dear America, Please Come Visit

Hey, America, howyoudoin'?

Hahaha, I kid! I know that's the sort of greeting so many of you associate with me, New York City, but I assure you I am much more classy and sophisticated than the impression given by the many television sitcoms and Hollywood exaggerations you have seen over the years. I exude elegance. I am, of course, the Greatest City in the World. You should come see for yourself!

8

How Do You Want To Die Today?

• Slush-planing delivery bicyclist.

• Over-excitement.

• The rising up of New York City's ever-growing underclass.

• Ice skate to the face.

• Trampled by sleet-encrusted fourth-grade class trip on subway platform.

• Molten hot chocolate.

• Boredom.

• Snow sharks.

10

Should You Panic?

Should you panic? The experts say no, but the experts don't understand just how close you've been cutting it lately, how you've been keeping so many balls in the air without even considering how you're going to get away with it should any of them drop, how you spend your evenings drinking yourself into a stupor because it's the only thing that will silence that insistent, nagging voice in your head that tells you it's all going to come crashing down and in spite of the promise you once showed and the seemingly bright future ahead of you and the way you've always [...]

26

Swine Flu: What To Do?

What should we call the swine flu? The Mexicans don't want to claim it, the Jews don't want to say the word "swine," the Asians are hoping everyone remains focused on Mexico and doesn't start looking east, and Ag Sec Tom Vilsack is concerned that the "swine" aspect of the moniker might keep Americans from consuming pork. Instead, the government's going with the "2009 H1N1 virus outbreak," which doesn't exactly trip off the tongue.