Posts Tagged: Football
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Madden Mangled

These Broncos were stone-cold stupid. Madden's Awareness rating, as demonstrated by previous installments of this series, is one of the very most potent skill categories. Without it, normally competent players are reduced to total knuckleheads who often don't know what they're doing, what they're supposed to be doing, where the ball is, or whether they're playing a sport at all.

The Broncos' kick returner, Big Walrus, was so completely checked out that I was able to kick the ball and hit him in the ass.

That was not an isolated incident. There were lots and lots of kickoffs in this game, naturally, since I was scoring all the time. [...]

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The Super Bowl Is The Exclamation Point Of America

AARRROOOO!!! Now, right now, is Super Bowl! This week! The most American week of all! Super Bowl has more America™ in it than Fourth of July, Election Day, the Academy Awards, NASCAR, and Tet all rolled up into one, and now is the time when America has Super Bowl all up in it!

Super Bowl is here for America, the Whole America! Super Bowl is here for you! Even if you don't want it! Especially if you don't want it! Super Bowl will football you until you love it! Super Bowl is here for the 47%, and the 98%, and the 99%, and it is brought to you by the [...]

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Boston Globe Front Page: "But Weather's Nice"

This is an amazing, amazing, wonderful front page, right down to the weather description on the top right. [via]

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 16

December 22

Houston -6 At Indianapolis Can Indy's back-up quarterback beat Houston's third- string QB? Who cares. PICK: COLTS

December 24

At Kansas City -2.5 Oakland Deal with the devil Chiefs struck to beat the Packers lasts another week. PICK: CHIEFS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 14

Thursday, December 8

At Pittsburgh -14 Cleveland Is Colt McCoy the Quarterback of the Future? Then Browns' Future Sucks. PICK: BROWNS

Sunday, December 11

At Baltimore -16.5 Indianapolis Baltimore only shows up against the good teams. This could be closer. PICK: COLTS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 10

Thursday, November 10

At San Diego -7 Oakland If Philip Rivers throws one more pick he wins a bowl of booger soup. PICK: RAIDERS

Saturday, November 12

Manny Pacquiao v. Juan Manuel Marquez III (9-1) Not another tie! After 12 Rounds they should go to penalty kicks. PICK: MARQUEZ

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 7

Sunday, October 23

Chicago -1 Tampa Bay (At London) I'd rather see Man U Take on the Chicago Bears with a side of chips. PICK: BUCCANEERS

At Carolina -2.5 Washington It's really time that the Redskins changed their nickname. The Washington Jazz. PICK: PANTHERS

San Diego -2 At NY Jets Occupy Wall Street should link arms and help the Jets stop the running game. PICK: CHARGERS

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An Epic Poem Pick For The Super Bowl

And so concludes this season of poetic football picks.

San Francisco -3.5 Baltimore

Baltimore is one of my favorite places All the tasty crabs, all the friendly faces I like going to watch the Orioles And checking out “The Wire” rows

And so is San Francisco with its cool fog hanging out in the poetry room of City Lights agog I particularly love eating at House of Nanking And just kinda ordering one of everything

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Get Ready For America's Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy Championship!

Here's some background material to get you pumped up for next week's Big Game.

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Smart, Sportsy Things For You To Say During Super Bowl XLVI

Want to be a pretentious show-off with your friends this weekend when the big game is on? But you don't know the difference between the infield fly rule and a two-line pass (or even to what sports they apply)? Well, it's OK. Sports radio enthusiast and noted laundromat-lurker Jim Behrle, who graced us with his haiku picks this NFL season, has once again written down a cheat sheet of smart-sounding things you can spout during the Super Bowl! Remember, always take a pause in the middle of every sentence for maximum gravitas. Don't choke on a nacho while you opine!

PRE-GAME

"During their last meet-up in the [...]

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It Gets Better, Nerds

Good news for nerds, outcasts, homos and freaks: those dudes winning on your school's football team are going to bomb out of life: the more winning there is, the more their grades go down. You should totally cite them this survey while they're beating you up.

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 12

Thursday, November 24

Green Bay -6.5 At Detroit It's Thanksgiving Day! Can the Lions end The Pack's Perfect Season? Yes. PICK: LIONS

At Dallas -7 Miami The Dolphins won thrice ruining their chances of a Franchise QB. Duh. PICK: DOLPHINS

At Baltimore -3 San Francisco Unless you have the NFL Network you'll be watching Charlie Brown. PICK: LUCY, 49ERS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 9

Sunday, November 6

Atlanta -7 At Indianapolis Colts should load up a truck and after dark move back to East Baltimore. PICK: FALCONS

At New Orleans -8 Tampa Bay After the Saints lost to the hapless Rams I hope they went to DQ. PICK: SAINTS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 6

Sunday, October 16

At Green Bay -14.5 St. Louis The Rams have no chance. They may as well stay home and watch the game and drink. PICK: PACKERS, BREWERS

At Pittsburgh -12 Jacksonville Did you know that in Pittsburgh they put the french fries inside your sandwich? PICK: STEELERS

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God Still Trying To Figure Out Whether San Francisco Should Beat Baltimore

"More than one-third (36%) of Americans who live in the South agree that God plays a role in determining which team wins a sporting event, compared to nearly 3-in-10 (28%) Americans who live in the Midwest, 1-in-5 (20%) Americans who live in the Northeast, and 15% of Americans who live in the West. Republicans (25%) are, however, equally as likely as Democrats (28%) and independents (26%) to agree that God plays a role in determining which team wins a sporting event." —It's almost time for America's annual passion play. Let's hope God can take a break from killing Muslim kids in Syria to bless the most-deserving group of gigantic [...]

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Can a Crazed Jet Blue Pilot Break Down a Bulletproof Cockpit Door?

There's always a bit of scaremongering that goes on with the genre of Crazy Airline Stories. Are our skies safe? What about the children? That kind of thing. So, in the story of the Jet Blue pilot, Clayton Osbon, who lost it this week and was restrained by passengers and crew, the LA Times says today that he "pounded so hard on the locked cockpit door that the first officer feared Osbon was breaking through the bulletproof barrier." This sentence reads funny, on first glance! But the door is bulletproof, one thinks! Surely a non-bullet, then, can't break down the door? Or can it.

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 17

January 1

At Philadelphia -8.5 Washington The bad dream's over in Philadelphia. Fire Andy Reid! PICK: EAGLES

At Atlanta -11.5 Tampa Bay I wish they'd open a Waffle House for us in Brooklyn, NYC. PICK: BUCCANEERS

San Francisco -10.5 At St. Louis Rams will probably fire Coach Spagnuolo and the Giants will hire him. PICK: RAMS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 15

Thursday, December 15

At Atlanta -12 Jacksonville The Falcons are headed to the playoffs and the Jags are going golfing. PICK: FALCONS

Saturday, December 17

Dallas -7 At Tampa Bay I want to go to St. Petersburg in Russia. Florida smells old. PICK: COWBOYS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 11

Thursday, November 17

NY Jets -6 At Denver Thursday Night Football! So just DVR "Whitney" and never watch it. PICK: JETS

Sunday, November 20

At Atlanta -6 Tennessee Atlanta coach blew their last game in Overtime. Falcons are grumpy. PICK: FALCONS

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Football Pick Haikus For Week 8

Sunday, October 30

At Tennessee -8.5 Indianapolis This year Indy hosts the Super Bowl and the Colts will be parking cars. PICK: TITANS

At Houston -9.5 Jacksonville Jaguars beat Ravens So who knows what the hell's up. I have no idea. PICK: TEXANS