There's always a bit of scaremongering that goes on with the genre of Crazy Airline Stories. Are our skies safe? What about the children? That kind of thing. So, in the story of the Jet Blue pilot, Clayton Osbon, who lost it this week and was restrained by passengers and crew, the LA Times says today that he "pounded so hard on the locked cockpit door that the first officer feared Osbon was breaking through the bulletproof barrier." This sentence reads funny, on first glance! But the door is bulletproof, one thinks! Surely a non-bullet, then, can't break down the door? Or can it.

January 1

At Philadelphia -8.5 Washington The bad dream's over in Philadelphia. Fire Andy Reid! PICK: EAGLES

At Atlanta -11.5 Tampa Bay I wish they'd open a Waffle House for us in Brooklyn, NYC. PICK: BUCCANEERS

San Francisco -10.5 At St. Louis Rams will probably fire Coach Spagnuolo and the Giants will hire him. PICK: RAMS

Thursday, December 15

At Atlanta -12 Jacksonville The Falcons are headed to the playoffs and the Jags are going golfing. PICK: FALCONS

Saturday, December 17

Dallas -7 At Tampa Bay I want to go to St. Petersburg in Russia. Florida smells old. PICK: COWBOYS

Thursday, November 17

NY Jets -6 At Denver Thursday Night Football! So just DVR "Whitney" and never watch it. PICK: JETS

Sunday, November 20

At Atlanta -6 Tennessee Atlanta coach blew their last game in Overtime. Falcons are grumpy. PICK: FALCONS

Sunday, October 30

At Tennessee -8.5 Indianapolis This year Indy hosts the Super Bowl and the Colts will be parking cars. PICK: TITANS

At Houston -9.5 Jacksonville Jaguars beat Ravens So who knows what the hell's up. I have no idea. PICK: TEXANS

Sunday, October 9

At Indianapolis -2.5 Kansas City Battle for Last Place! Pre-empt the Fourth Quarter and Show Heidi instead. PICK: CHIEFS

At Minnesota -2.5 Arizona Do cardinals really hang out in Arizona? They must get thirsty. PICK: VIKINGS

Outside Denny’s Steak Pub, in the Kensington neighborhood of Brooklyn, steps from the Church Avenue F stop, a would-be customer, wearing a Yankees T-shirt and a bit of a haunted look, shuffled back and forth, focused on the scratch-off lottery tickets that trailed behind him like exhaust. He ducked his head in every once in a while: “Six dollars!” His buddy called out, “Don’t come in,” and Scratcher nodded sadly, and waited for his pal on the sidewalk. “You’re still 86ed,” the bartender added, not unkindly. Scratcher was still a regular; he just wasn’t allowed to come in to this particular old man bar this particular afternoon.

This is an amazing, amazing, wonderful front page, right down to the weather description on the top right. [via]

December 22

Houston -6 At Indianapolis Can Indy's back-up quarterback beat Houston's third- string QB? Who cares. PICK: COLTS

December 24

At Kansas City -2.5 Oakland Deal with the devil Chiefs struck to beat the Packers lasts another week. PICK: CHIEFS

Thursday, December 8

At Pittsburgh -14 Cleveland Is Colt McCoy the Quarterback of the Future? Then Browns' Future Sucks. PICK: BROWNS

Sunday, December 11

At Baltimore -16.5 Indianapolis Baltimore only shows up against the good teams. This could be closer. PICK: COLTS

Thursday, November 10

At San Diego -7 Oakland If Philip Rivers throws one more pick he wins a bowl of booger soup. PICK: RAIDERS

Saturday, November 12

Manny Pacquiao v. Juan Manuel Marquez III (9-1) Not another tie! After 12 Rounds they should go to penalty kicks. PICK: MARQUEZ

Sunday, October 23

Chicago -1 Tampa Bay (At London) I'd rather see Man U Take on the Chicago Bears with a side of chips. PICK: BUCCANEERS

At Carolina -2.5 Washington It's really time that the Redskins changed their nickname. The Washington Jazz. PICK: PANTHERS

San Diego -2 At NY Jets Occupy Wall Street should link arms and help the Jets stop the running game. PICK: CHARGERS

Sunday, October 2

At Dallas -1 Detroit Everyone loves Detroit! Are Lions Super Bowl-Bound? Eminem Halftime! PICK: LIONS

New Orleans -7 At Jacksonville Jaguars D not bad. But Saints no doubt have a Jones-Drew voodoo doll. PICK: SAINTS

At Philadelphia -8.5 San Francisco Vick sick of hits. Dream Team is a Scream Machine. Philly Not Sunny. PICK: 49ERS

Sunday, September 18

At New Orleans -6.5 Chicago Week One the Saints played Like a "Treme" episode. They almost got good. PICK: SAINTS

At Detroit -8 Kansas City The Chiefs crushed at home by the Bills. That's like Ron Paul beating up Tyson. PICK: LIONS

At NY Jets -9 Jacksonville Jags QB McCown is a giant McUnknown. Don't throw near Revis! PICK: JETS

Want to be a pretentious show-off with your friends this weekend when the big game is on? But you don't know the difference between the infield fly rule and a two-line pass (or even to what sports they apply)? Well, it's OK. Sports radio enthusiast and noted laundromat-lurker Jim Behrle, who graced us with his haiku picks this NFL season, has once again written down a cheat sheet of smart-sounding things you can spout during the Super Bowl! Remember, always take a pause in the middle of every sentence for maximum gravitas. Don't choke on a nacho while you opine!

PRE-GAME

"During their last meet-up in the [...]

Good news for nerds, outcasts, homos and freaks: those dudes winning on your school's football team are going to bomb out of life: the more winning there is, the more their grades go down. You should totally cite them this survey while they're beating you up.

Thursday, November 24

Green Bay -6.5 At Detroit It's Thanksgiving Day! Can the Lions end The Pack's Perfect Season? Yes. PICK: LIONS

At Dallas -7 Miami The Dolphins won thrice ruining their chances of a Franchise QB. Duh. PICK: DOLPHINS

At Baltimore -3 San Francisco Unless you have the NFL Network you'll be watching Charlie Brown. PICK: LUCY, 49ERS

Sunday, November 6

Atlanta -7 At Indianapolis Colts should load up a truck and after dark move back to East Baltimore. PICK: FALCONS

At New Orleans -8 Tampa Bay After the Saints lost to the hapless Rams I hope they went to DQ. PICK: SAINTS

Sunday, October 16

At Green Bay -14.5 St. Louis The Rams have no chance. They may as well stay home and watch the game and drink. PICK: PACKERS, BREWERS

At Pittsburgh -12 Jacksonville Did you know that in Pittsburgh they put the french fries inside your sandwich? PICK: STEELERS

Sunday, September 25

At Cincinnati -2.5 San Francisco Bengals aren't doormats. The 49ers play tough. But I still won't watch. PICK: 49ERS

New England -8.5 At Buffalo Bills have won two but Only Gisele beats Brady. Bills might beat the spread. PICK: PATRIOTS

At Philadelphia -7 NY Giants Mike Vick spits blood and Kafka is his back-up. Dream Team Doesn't Wake Up. PICK: GIANTS