"With spring just a few weeks away, Park Slope residents are wondering if discarded holiday trees littering their sidewalks will ever be picked up by city garbage collectors."
IT'S LIKE THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL DAVID LYNCH FORGOT TO MAKE. And yes. UM IT'S GETTING A LITTLE WEIRD IN THERE, THEY'RE DRINKING OUT OF A FLASK.
Hope, as we are so often reminded by smug new-agey types or court-appointed therapists, is not a plan. So if your head hit the pillow last night with a degree of serenity long absent from your regular efforts at slumber it was no doubt on account of your fervent faith that an obvious misreading of a Mesoamerican date planner would somehow provide the finality to all things for which you have been desperately craving but too paralyzed to do anything about yourself. And yet here we are, not only not dead but about to head into the teeth of the season where the manufactured enthusiasm is as mandatory as [...]
Zooey Deschanel, when she was blonde and kind of snarly! Will Ferrell in barely controlled hyper-idiotic hilarity. Bob Newhart! Christmas in New York City. An inexplicable subplot involving an independent publishing house specializing in children's board books. This movie has everything good about the holidays. A little entertainment enhancement goes a long way, too.
Congratulations, everybody: Black Friday retail sales topped a billion dollars, which means everybody is rich and happy again. Whether shopping from a laptop in bed with a variety of empty bottles and pie crumbs or "at the actual store" with your fellow shoppers in their sweatpants, you helped make America great again.
How much greater? How about 26% better than Black Friday 2011! That is just a phenomenal amount of spending, for a phenomenal amount of consumer goods, electronics, gifts, and whatever else people buy. Pretty much everything is a Black Friday sales item in 2012. Cars? Oh hell yeah, go buy a car on Black [...]
I was in a CVS last night buying smoked almonds and dental floss—yes, yes, it's all rather glamorous over here—when "Most Wonderful Time of the Year," a song which never fails to send me into paroxysms of depression, started playing. I had somehow managed to avoid it thus far, but now I have the Christmas sad. I am going to try to listen to these actually great Christmas songs to cheer myself up, but sometimes it's just hard.
So it's the Holidays again, which means everyone's going to come at you bitchin' about family. Let me throw my hat in the ring as a member of that (sizable) contingent. My mother and her husband live near where I grew up, about a seven-hour drive from where I live now. My father and his wife live out of state; I only see them twice a year or so. My two younger sisters both moved far out of state (to the same town no less) with their children within the past year and a half. The reason for this background—I'm the "only one left" close to visit my [...]
What's the pope up to, this Christmas? Oh, just rallying the world's other intolerant religious leaders against the global menace of gay people registering at Macy's. Nothing says "Peace on Earth and good will towards men" like a yuletide jihad against same-sex marriage—because if there's anything the story of Christ's birth teaches us, it's to stigmatize and then attack people who lack legal and societal protections.
Pope Benedict on Friday signaled the Vatican was ready to forge alliances with other religions against gay marriage, saying the family was threatened "to its foundations" by attempts to change its "true structure."
The pope's latest denunciation of gay marriage came in [...]
According to the latest tally on Google News, there are 2,803 current media reports involving stolen Baby Jesuses from nativity scenes. This represents a [made up percentage] increase in nativity infant thefts over 2011, which had held the previous record with [made up number] documented desecrations of Christmas scenes. Many are wondering just how low we can go, as a species. If children and other pranksters think it's "okay" to lift a plastic baby with a hole in its bottom for a colored light bulb, then what else might people do, given the chance?
"It is one thing, I guess, to steal even the shepherd or a king," said [...]
Now, I don’t think I ever actually believed in Santa. The closest I came was a slow-burning conviction that his name was Santa Sauce because he was, in some sense, actually a marinara-ladled meatball given life and laugh and beard. I don’t think that counts, really—certainly a meatball could never hold a sleigh’s reins, or operate a multinational corporation—so I'll claim that I knew from day zero that Santa was, strictly speaking, a kind of lie.
But he's a useful lie. One that parents can deploy to effectively trick children into not behaving like tiny sociopaths who are too short to drive themselves to school. (Imagine attempting to get full [...]
"Mariah Carey in a pornographic Father Christmas costume rubbing herself up against a wall without laughing – says it all really."
Christmas is nearly upon us. Are you prepared? Let us help with this guide to gifting for every occasion. All of the gifts here are certified by us as things that people actually would truly like to receive this holiday season. (Hint, hint.)
Hermes leather coffee cup holder. $195.
As mentioned previously, the Christmases of my youth were spent sleeping over at my grandparents' house. This memory comes from what Wikiepedia assures me was 1987—which simultaneously seems like moments ago and an eternity back. I had just turned 15, and was suffering from that terrible curse of teenagerdom where you are worried that it is kind of lame to be spending time with the people who love you best and wishing you were somewhere else. One of the tragedies of our lives is how much we miss out on because we think there's something more interesting happening wherever were aren't; it is a lesson always learned too [...]
Do you remember what happened this week?Beyoncé
I’m not necessarily in the Beysus congregation but I sure as debt don’t knock it, either. When our beloved 'net is doubled over in self-fondling and editorial side stares during the slime-time of year called My Ranking Of Niche Garbage Ranks Higher Than Yrs, it’s gorgeous to see a Member of Modern Camelot release quality you can count on that spreads happiness and excitement throughout my visible spectrum. Tear up all your lists! Joy to the world, the Bey is come.Golden Globe Nominations
Knives out! Award season is upon us, let the parade of faces begin! Good faces, [...]
How "Baby It's Cold Outside" Became America's Secular Christmas Anthem, Despite People Claiming It's About Date Rape
Betty Garrett and Red Skelton, reversing roles in the song's 1948 Hollywood premiere.
This Christmastime, last Christmastime and for many holiday seasons past, writers and commenters of the Internet have gathered to argue over the holiday classic "Baby It's Cold Outside." The conversations and accusations are rarely about the song's merits as a Tin Pan Alley jazz-pop composition. Instead, we wonder if the playful exchange of the man and woman is actually the loaded conversation before a sinister date rape. Or is the whole song just a harmless relic of a bygone time when "The answer is No" meant not "No," but "maybe just a half a drink more," [...]
11. Parental Guidance. Starring Zombie Billy Crystal.
10. The Impossible. Upside: Ewan McGregor likely to be shirtless. Downside: distressing death and dying and disaster, in a real-life thing that happened, but was actually so much worse than even this. (This movie is supposed to be very, very good, but I cannot.)
9. On the Road. "Jack Kerouac’s iconic novel about the Beat Generation comes to the big screen starring Kristen Stewart."
8. Jack Reacher. LOL IDK with this. But what if it's another Tom Cruise awesome surprise movie, like Knight and Day? WHAT THEN?
7. Amour. I adore you, Michael Haneke. But I need my incredibly glacial films about [...]
Ever since Superstorm Sandy invented global warming six weeks ago, many of us have become more concerned about the environment and the future of our planet. Should we do "Christmas as usual" this year, or should Hanukkah be changed to address the terrifying reality of rapid climate change and rising seas? Will this be a Winter Solstice of ecological discontent, or a Kwazy Kwanzaa of renewed purpose in the face of crisis and challenge? How can you buy things for your sustainability-loving friends and relations without actually accelerating the cycle of planetary doom?
We have that all figured out for you! From inexpensive sun-powered autonomous insect simulacra to $100 donations [...]
You could view this report as the heartwarming tale of a family brought together by its tradition of dressing up in comical holiday outfits, yearly proof that despite the passage of time and the differences that come between us as we grow and change, Christmas stills retain the magic of our earliest childhood memories, when all was wonder and joy. In fact, that is exactly how I suggest you view it, because the alternative—the story of a group of adults held hostage by a megalomaniac matriarch whose need to humiliate her spouse and offspring on a yearly basis is probably driven by resentment and regret over the paths her [...]
"On no account are you to publish that execrable article on the estimated cost of the gifts ion 'The Twelve Days of Christmas.' Whoever gets assigned to writ it every year patently did something very, very bad in a previous life. If you have been guilty of publishing that thing in the past, do not compound your sin." —Here are some holiday cliches to avoid. The one about parodies of "The Twelve Days of Christmas" is so very, very true. [Via]