Posts Tagged: Candy

It's A Good Thing 'Cathy' Is Already Dead Because This News About Chocolate Would Kill Her

"Hoard that Valentine's Day candy now, because chocolate prices are poised to head higher." —But what if you want to eat your feelings instead of hoard them? What if you didn't get any Valentine's Day candy at all because no one loves you? What if chowing down on that chocolate is the only thing that—for a few fleeting seconds of your day—helps you forget just how horrible things are? [...]


All I Know Is That Cadbury Eggs Are For A Limited Time Only

Passover begins tonight, and while I do not worship the G_d of Israel, I dig matzo and Observing this Religious occasion because I was raised on Television, where one of the best things I was conditioned to enjoy when I was a child was this movie they put on every year around this time called The Ten Commandments, by the movie director Cecil B. DeMille, and starring Charlton Heston, who would later go on to be a gun enthusiast and star in even cooler movies where he would do stuff like fight apes on a whole planet full of them, be The Omega Man, and tell everybody what [...]


Six British Candies: Which Tastes Best?

Willy Wonka was British, you know. It makes sense: we Brits have a sweet tooth, but it's been refined over the years. Not for us the sugary punch in the mouth of a Three Musketeers. Oh no. British snacks of the sweet kind are much more sedate. We’re all about texture. If American candy and cookies are like a Corvette roaring down a freeway at 100 miles per hour, British sweets are like a wonderful and infinitely varied fleet of bicycles. It's a complicated and convoluted world, British candy and cookies, but let's approach it in the form of a good old-fashioned taste test so you know, when you next [...]


How Much More Does Candy Cost Today?

“Candy may be dandy…” Actually, that is not true. Candy is at all times dandy, and all of us can testify to that: we were children once, and young. When I was ten I’d bike down to the Open Pantry, and if there was allowance left over after comic books, I’d grab a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup for a quarter (and, if in a shrewd frame of mind, not eat it directly but throw it in the freezer back home). It was a tiny luxury, only two bits.

Now, 30 years later, with childhood more perilous than ever (what with the confusion over the aims of Occupy Wall Street, and [...]


Everybody Knows Banana Is For Whores

It's a candy-colored world this morning! There is a remarkable article in the Times about three new Ring Pop-inspired fragrances that are coming out under the auspices of Mariah Carey. But they are far more sophisticated than one might imagine.


The 11 Best Egg-Shaped Easter Candies

11. Cadbury Mini Eggs 10. Cadbury Hollow Eggs Filled With Cadbury Mini Crisp Eggs 9. Whoppers Robin Eggs


It's A Halloween Miracle

"Updated: Almond man says tooth found in candy bar is his own"


A Treasury Of Bizarre Irish Treats

While recently you were treated to a taste test of British candies—a celebration of the ways these quality chocolate goods can tap into the pleasure centers of taste and nostalgia—this exploration is of an entirely different sort. Irish junk food comes in many weird and marvelous forms. Generally put, these foods lack the decorum you'll find in their more conservative British competitors. Collected here are seven of the most appealing and startling of the snack follies past and present that grace the shelves of our convenience stores. Should you have the chance to visit the Emerald Isle, in this mix you'll find some guaranteed teeth-rotters to try and [...]


Bears Eschewing Balanced Nutrition Of Picnic Baskets For Empty Calories Of Quick Sugar Rush

"At least two candy stores have been burglarized this summer by ravenous, drought-starved bears."


This Is My Year To Finally Poison Some Children

I've made it well-known that I'm not a huge fan of children. So now that parents have been lulled by science and journalism into finally believing that "there has never been a single case of any child being killed by a stranger's Halloween candy," I'm finally going to strike.


Gummi Bears Not The Badfinger Type

"Those are definitely not Trolli Gummi Bears in the video because Trolli Gummi Bears would never be that rude. Trolli bears would extend their chubby little arms and give Katy a big old bear hug and whisper, 'Everything is going to be alright.'" -Senior brand manager John Leonardo tells MTV that the Gummi Bears in Katy Perry's "California Gurls" video, one of whom appears to flip the singer off, are not at all representative of the brand.


Chocolate Bar Affirms The Inherent Melancholy Of Existence

"A snacker had to deal with a rather unexpected moment of emotion as the removal of a wrapper revealed a chocolate bar engraved with a sad face…. Reports are unclear as to whether the chocolate bar was allowed to see another day, although the odds appear to be in their favour as the thought of unnecessary calories, as well as the prospect of committing a brutal attack on such an innocent little face would be enough to put anyone off from tucking in." Is there ever a photo.


Clearance-Sale Holiday Foodstuffs, In Order

13. Peeps

12. Manischewitz matzo crackers

11. Candy corn

10. Candy canes

9. Cranberry sauce

8. Leg of lamb


Candy Company Yet Another Example Of Life's Ineffable Mysteries

"How many licks does it take to get to the center of Tootsie Roll Industries Inc.? No one really knows."


Questions For: Harry Bo, Gummi Bear

Earlier today, a brand manager complained about the portrayal of Gummi Bears in the media. He claimed that you were actually warm and comforting. The fuck we are. What jackass said that?

John Leonardo of Trolli. Trolli? Not for nothin', I can't be too shocked about that. Those Trolli bears, they're a little soft in the center, if ya know what I mean.

I'm not sure that I do.


Sexual Innuendoes Having To Do With Candy That Were Omitted, For Time, From Katy Perry's "California Gurls" Video

• Katy Perry bends over to allow suited day traders to snort colored sugar off her back with Pixy Stix straws. • Katy Perry solders together both of the Twix bars that come in the wrapper to make a candy version of a double dildo, then shrugs.