“Candy may be dandy…” Actually, that is not true. Candy is at all times dandy, and all of us can testify to that: we were children once, and young. When I was ten I’d bike down to the Open Pantry, and if there was allowance left over after comic books, I’d grab a Reese’s Peanut Butter Cup for a quarter (and, if in a shrewd frame of mind, not eat it directly but throw it in the freezer back home). It was a tiny luxury, only two bits.

Now, 30 years later, with childhood more perilous than ever (what with the confusion over the aims of Occupy Wall Street, and [...]

It's a candy-colored world this morning! There is a remarkable article in the Times about three new Ring Pop-inspired fragrances that are coming out under the auspices of Mariah Carey. But they are far more sophisticated than one might imagine.

11. Cadbury Mini Eggs 10. Cadbury Hollow Eggs Filled With Cadbury Mini Crisp Eggs 9. Whoppers Robin Eggs

I've made it well-known that I'm not a huge fan of children. So now that parents have been lulled by science and journalism into finally believing that "there has never been a single case of any child being killed by a stranger's Halloween candy," I'm finally going to strike.

"Those are definitely not Trolli Gummi Bears in the video because Trolli Gummi Bears would never be that rude. Trolli bears would extend their chubby little arms and give Katy a big old bear hug and whisper, 'Everything is going to be alright.'" -Senior brand manager John Leonardo tells MTV that the Gummi Bears in Katy Perry's "California Gurls" video, one of whom appears to flip the singer off, are not at all representative of the brand.

Earlier today, a brand manager complained about the portrayal of Gummi Bears in the media. He claimed that you were actually warm and comforting. The fuck we are. What jackass said that?

John Leonardo of Trolli. Trolli? Not for nothin', I can't be too shocked about that. Those Trolli bears, they're a little soft in the center, if ya know what I mean.

I'm not sure that I do.

• Katy Perry bends over to allow suited day traders to snort colored sugar off her back with Pixy Stix straws. • Katy Perry solders together both of the Twix bars that come in the wrapper to make a candy version of a double dildo, then shrugs.