Passover begins tonight, and while I do not worship the G_d of Israel, I dig matzo and Observing this Religious occasion because I was raised on Television, where one of the best things I was conditioned to enjoy when I was a child was this movie they put on every year around this time called The Ten Commandments, by the movie director Cecil B. DeMille, and starring Charlton Heston, who would later go on to be a gun enthusiast and star in even cooler movies where he would do stuff like fight apes on a whole planet full of them, be The Omega Man, and tell everybody what the deal was with Soylent Green. (You probably know even if you haven’t seen the movie, but I’m not gonna spoiler it.)
In The Ten Commandments, Charlton Heston was Moses, who was an orphan who got floated down a river in an Easter basket and ended up being raised by the Egyptians, who were using the People of Israel as slave labor, and later on Charlton Heston would figure out he was Moses and needed to lead his People out of Egypt, but before he did, he waged hella Asymmetrical Warfare on the Pharaoh, who was the very cool and bald Yul Brynner, who would later go on to be a Robot Cowboy in the movie Westworld, and then later on tell people to quit smoking, which you probably should, unless you’re like, 80 and you have one foot on the banana peel already, you know? Smoking is bad for you, probably even smoking weed is bad for you, plus it makes zero sense to smoke weed because you can just eat it to achieve the desired effect, you know? But smoking is fun, I know, having fire, playing with fire, puffing smoke rings and stuff, like with cigars. Anyway, Happy Easter in advance, also.
Or “Hoppy Easter!” That’s a little Holiday Saying that gets rolled out this time of year with respect to the rabbits, you know? That TV commercial with the Cadbury Easter Egg Bunny is a good example of a commercial where they got it right the first time, but then the people at the Advertising Agency realized they could milk the goose that lays the golden eggs and bill more hours if they kept “improving” the commercial and running different ones, but the original one was the best expression of the idea that the Easter Rabbit shits out creme-filled chocolate eggs for Cadbury and you should buy some for a Limited Time Only. It is a Miracle of Easter.
In My America, Passover and Easter are part of the same Holiday Season, with Palm Sunday as the kick-off. Palm Sunday is the Religious Event where Jesus rode into town on a burro and The People laid down palm branches in His (and the burro’s) path. I don’t think there’s any special food involved with Palm Sunday, but I always remember they would pass the Collection Basket again for a “Special Collection” at church, after the regular collection, so we would always call it “Palm Sunday,” in quotes, and hold our hand out, the joke being The Church had its palm out, for more loot. Good Friday is in there too, in this time of year, but wow, that’s a bummer, you go to services where they torture Jesus and nail him to a fucking cross. Harsh. Plus, I remember (I haven’t been to church in a while) this part where you say stuff like “Crucify Him,” so you can strap on the guilt-bag and help kill Jesus. No thanks.
So there’s money and jelly beans and matzo and ham and Charlton Heston and Edward G. Robinson and Yul Brynner and I AM stringing up Jesus and chocolate bunnies in my mind right now for these Holidays, all resting in a basket full of Easter Hay.
I wonder if The New Yorker ever did a cartoon of a rabbit at one of those “brew pubs” doing a “flight” of beer like they do now, so people can taste the micro-brews and figure out which one to drink with their cheeseburger? It would be like, a Bartender rabbit serving the little taste-sized glasses of beer on one of those stupid little flight-paddles to some people and saying, “They’re all pretty ‘hoppy,’” har! Or maybe it’s a rabbit who is the Customer and he could be hoisting a micro-brew and saying in the caption “Do you have anything that isn’t so ‘hoppy?’” Get it? Personally I do not enjoy “hoppy” beer, which is where they put lots of hops into the beering process. It becomes very bitter, and then it takes me forever to drink one, feh. Or the bunny could be, like, the bartender again, and say something to the effect of “Before I serve you, be advised I’ve heard all the ‘hoppy’ jokes,” or maybe he could be rolling his Easter-eyes and going to beer-tasting customers who are also bunnies, “Jesus Christ, ‘Hoppy?’ That’s all you got?” Anyway, if that’s already not a The New Yorker cartoon, somebody should go ahead and do that one, thank you and Hoppy Easter, get it? Or maybe it’s Jesus serving a beer to 12 bunnies and they could use it for the “caption contest.”