Even if you are having the best morning in your life thus far—and let's be honest, you almost certainly are not—this will make it a little brighter. For this rest of us this is probably as good as it's going to get all day, so let's take the time to fully appreciate it.
I can speak to neither the provenance nor the freshness of this piece—the terrible secret that no one wants to discuss when it comes to Russian bear videos on the Internet is just how many of them are actually older clips unscrupulous embed jockeys have uploaded under different accounts to create the illusion of recency—but I can say that if you are in the market for approximately five minutes of a bear eating cookies you have come to the right place. I'm about to watch it for the third time today, won't you please join me?
This picture of a polar bear mom cuddling her little cub is so cute that it almost makes me feel bad about how my consumption of products reliant on the burning of greenhouse gases on an industrial scale will eventually render the planet inhabitable for their species. I mean, SO FUCKING CUTE!
"There are somethings people just should not do. Putting their head in the mouth of a 93 stone grizzly bear is one of them," [...]
This is not the governor of New Jersey, who is apparently planning to talk all the way through 2016, but it is for sure more adorable so let's watch it instead.
"The trap with the yearling in it is being watched to see if other bears come looking for it. We have not been told what the plan is if that happens."
"Bears are well know for their intelligence. It seems that being arround humans made these fluffy creatures behave more and more like we do. Bears swim like humans, walk like humans, sit like humans, play like humans and more. Check out this compilation of funny bears behaving like people." —This is bad, yes, but it is bad enough that it crosses over that line and somehow becomes good? I would ordinarily say no, but, you know, bears. You'd better believe we give extra credit for bears. Enjoy or "enjoy," but either way, bears!
There is an old joke that goes something like this: One morning a polar bear cub is awakened by his parents so early in the day that the sky is still dark.
"Get up, get up," say the parents. "Today you learn to swim."
So the polar bear cub spends his day going in and out of the frigid water, in and out until finally the sky is dark again and he comes back home.
"Mom," he says, "can I ask you a question?"
"Of course," she answers.
"Am I a polar bear?"
"Of course you are," she replies.
"Okay," he says.
"Cannibal rats my arse, a bear almost ate me lassie." Yes, that's my impression of a Scotsman on his return to Britain after an encounter with a bear. I can also do a Welshman recounting his brush with a mountain lion, but it plays out pretty much the same way.
I mean, really, come the fuck on. It is FUCKING INSANE how fucking adorable these little polar bears are. Jesus Christ.
Terrible puns await all those who click on this story. Consider yourselves warned.
"Workers in a zoo in Wakamaya, Japan, nurture a tiny five-day-old polar bear cub after his mother stops caring for him" is the description, but "holy mother of fuck has there ever been anything more goddamn adorable if I could shit out my feelings they would be a diarrhea cascade of 'awwww' running down the inside of my leg right now seeing this amazing little polar bear baby video good lord HOW FUCKING CUTE IS THIS THING etc." is the only natural reaction. At least if you have a heart.
"Normally cubs purr when suckling which some think is to remind a hibernating mother bear that her cubs are 'content'. Some previously captive bears continue to do this throughout adulthood, like this one. Can be result of removal from mother at too young an age through hunting or a bear that has been confined to a small enclosure. This rescued bear only knows himself; why he does it."
Should we look to bears for the answer to our growing obesity crisis? Normally I would say yes, but given what I know about how we work the odds are we will be looking to the bears on our giant flatscreen TVs nestled in the comfy repose of our couches as we graze on the Dominos Artisan™ Chicken & Bacon Carbonara Pizza we have had delivered to our door, so it probably won't make much of a difference.
"There was a time when the Super Bowl was not only synonymous with funny advertising, but synonymous with funny monkey advertising. Now, it looks like bears may be taking monkeys' place."
"For the US government, the grizzly bears of Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming embody a stunning success story: a population resurgent after 40 years of protection under the Endangered Species Act. More than 700 bears now roam the region, up from 136 in 1975, when the grizzly (Ursos arctos horribilis) was listed as threatened after decades of deadly clashes with ranchers, hunters and park visitors." Guess what comes next?
If I were out skiing and a bear came running by I think I would make a big doody in my expensive waxed Limonta breeches and hope all that extra insulation I paid for kept anyone else from noticing. Then, if the bear didn't eat me and went off elsewhere, I would be like, "Well, it serves you right for spending a shitload of money to try and go fast down a mountain on two sticks, you idiot." God, is there anyone dumber than the recreational skier? They are the literal definition of "more money than sense." Anyway, the bears aren't going to bed anymore, and we should probably [...]
How about we all make our escape now? Don't let them trick you with the peanut butter and fruit scam, they just want to throw you back in your cage. Roam free, you baby bears. And to all a good night.