Bear With Three Legs Walks Like People! @3:40 PM
I have watched this like four times now and I'm still all, WHA? Anyway: "No one seems to know how the bear lost her right paw and foreleg, but she's adjusted with aplomb, instead choosing to go bipedal," says Backpacker, calling it "a testament to the black bear's adaptability for survival." So very very true. 24
Bear Does Not Go Quietly @3:10 PM
Three weeks ago, a bear entered the town of Przemysl, Poland, and approached a local school. She was tranquilized by local authorities, who returned her into the forest on the theory that, hey, she certainly wouldn't do that again. Naturally, she did, heading to the nearby town of Chorzow. Guess what? "[T]his time, efforts to tranquilize her proved decidedly unsuccessful. Despite apparently succumbing to a first injection, the bear suddenly awoke when authorities approached. A chase ensued, with a second ranger having to come to the aid of his companion." Everyone survived, the bear is headed to a zoo, and the rest of us get a photogallery out of it. Everybody wins! 17
Do polar bears belong in the zoo?
Probably, because pretty soon those are going to be the only polar bears we see.
—Richard Ellis, author of On Thin Ice: The Changing World of the Polar Bear, discusses the coming polar bear extinction. 6
Bear Meets Cat In Battle For Animal Supremacy @9:00 AM
The provenance of this video is unknown, but I don't care if it's been all over the Internets already; on a dull and grimy day like this one where you'd rather just pull up the covers and listen to the new Tindersticks record—great, btw—than do anything else, it is a good enough way to start the morning. And the best part is the laughing baby in the background. Sigh. Mondays. 18
OMG this adorable polar bear is WAVING AT THE CAMERA! I mean, I don't want to anthropomorphize, maybe he's not, but HOW CUTE! Okay, I will go put my penis back on now. 15
"I have a refrigerator in the garage. He opened it up, drank a gallon of orange juice, opened the freezer above and munched two frozen pizzas and snacked on frozen chicken. He broke all the shelves and racks out of the refrigerator, bit into some fruit punch and squirted it all over everywhere, then dragged the trash can outside and took a crap the size of a basketball on the front lawn."
—Mill Creek, CA, resident Bill Philpott recounts his victimization at the hands of Bubba, a "bullet-scarred" 700-pound bruin who is terrorizing Lake Tahoe residents. 22
I don't know how many times I have to tell you people this, but do not eat bears: "There are fewer than 10 cases of trichinosis a year in the United States, and in recent years, bear meat has accounted for almost all of the nonpork cases, according to a recent report from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. Black bear, specifically." Okay? Jeez, you guys. 19
Did you think there was a chance we weren't going to post this? After a week of grim bear news, this heartwarming tale of Baloo the bear and Shere Khan the tiger—friends since infancy—is exactly what we need to usher in the weekend. There are plenty more pictures on the Noah's Ark shelter's Facebook page, and they are all the kind of adorable thing your mom would send you. I guess now I'm your mom! Enjoy. 30
"Some pictures need little introduction. They stop you in your tracks. These are exclusive pictures to Reuters of a Canadian polar bear eating a cub that it killed and cannibalized." These pictures are EXTREMELY DISTURBING, and this is one of those "can't unsee" situations where you should think twice before clicking. But definitely forward the link to all your climate change denialist friends. @11:10 AM 25
Lest We Forget: It's A Holiday For Bears @11:55 AM
You don't have to be a Bulgarian to celebrate Bear's Day, but, uh, that's where they celebrate it. Today! Happy Bear's Day, everybody! Please enjoy the legend behind it. READ MORE 4
This "audition tape" for the Yogi Bear movie is such an automatic post for me I'm not sure why I'm even adding copy to the post. You want context? Go here. Otherwise, sit back and enjoy. 1
Cloudy With A Chance Of Polar Bear Carcasses @12:18 PM
This British global warming awareness spot is VERY DISTURBING! Why are you people still flying planes? Think of the bears! 15
Who Should Be 'Time' Magazine's Last Person of the Year Ever?! @4:41 PM
Oh my God, you guys, can you believe it's time for Time's magazine-cover-person-thing of the year again? There was like a big debate about it, you guys, and like they decided it was half for "the economy" being a person and half for "Twitter" being a person, because all the people there have heard lots about the economy and Twitter? These people were Tom Colicchio and Gayle King and stuff, so they would know. But we think there are better ideas for person of the year, which Time can squeak out on the stands before it is out of business, and surely maybe you can have some ideas too? READ MORE 45
Silly Bears Think They're Birds @9:52 AM
A family of bears has spent at least three weeks living atop a cottonwood tree in northwestern Minnesota.
Workers in the area say that once in awhile the bears must climb down at night, because they`ve seen them climbing back up the tree in the morning."We consulted several folks that we know that do bear research and they really hadn't heard of it…. Some of the explanations might be its out in a very unusual place for bears. Bears are forest creatures and this is a bear that's out in an agricultural dominated area, so it might only be able to find refuge in that spot."
I think we all know where this is heading: Soon enough, bears will take to the skies, raining down their terrible vengeance upon all of us, but particularly those of us driving minivans. Now might be a good time to pray. 12
Or Maybe That's How They Roll In Finland @4:20 PM
There is something unusual about these photos of a house in in Saimaa, the Finnish lake district. Can you spot what it is? Look closely! 22
"A Canadian teenager has been rescued from an ice floe drifting in the Arctic sea, where he was reportedly stranded with two polar bears. Search and rescue teams… told the BBC he appeared to have shot and killed a mother polar bear in self-defence, orphaning her two cubs." Um, I have a couple of questions? But that is certainly some Life Of Pi shit right there. @4:10 PM 15
Brainy Panda Bears Make Their Escape, Plot Heist @3:10 PM
Watch in amazement as one of the team in this slick panda bear duo distracts their minder while the other conspirator facilitates their egress. Pandas! They will do ANYTHING not to have to have sex with each other! 6
Pigs In Zen (Or Maybe They're Just Drunk) @11:00 AM
What animals are truly most like human beings? Humpback whales, who mate for life and communicate with complex, melodic songs? The upright-walking, chronic masturbator bonobo chimps? Bears, who seem to want to inhabit our homes and drive our cars? An article in today's New York Times points to a different answer, and one that shouldn't surprise anyone who's looked in the mirror lately. As Natalie Angier reports, "Last week, an international team of biologists released the first draft sequence of the pig genome." According to team-leader Lawrence Schook of the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, "The pig genome compares favorably with the human genome."
Pig hearts are like our hearts, he said, pigs metabolize drugs as we do, their teeth resemble our teeth, and their habits can, too. "I look at the pig as a great animal model for human lifestyle diseases," he said. "Pigs like to lie around, they like to drink if given the chance, they'll smoke and watch TV."
Pigs also understand how mirrors work, and can play videogames with joysticks. 13
Bald Bears Just As Freaky In Motion @9:30 AM
Here is some disturbing footage showing the bald bears of Leipzig. This is STILL creeping me out. They look like jackals or something. Anyway, some good news: "Apart from losing their hair and feeling very itchy, the bears are showing no other symptoms." So there's that. 6
Bald Bears Make Me Uneasy @10:30 AM
Behold Delores, one of the many female bears at a zoo in Leipzig suffering from a baffling and sudden loss of hair. I have nothing to say other than, wow, this photo is extremely disturbing. I feel like I'm seeing something that I shouldn't. And now, so are you. 42
Bear In Tree @11:20 AM
Shep Smith once again bites my bear beat with this largely pedestrian video of one of our ursine friends stuck in a tree, but I'm a little more understanding than I was last time: This is obviously part of Fox News' plan to develop a clip reel full of non-ideological reportage it can point to the next time it is attacked by the Obama administration. More importantly, why the hell don't we have a BEAR ALERT graphic? I want a big-ass animated gif that says "Balk's Bears" with a howling Kodiak attacking a horse. Or perhaps something more tasteful and elegant. Like, the bear is wearing a tuxedo and eating caviar. Someone from the Art Department wanna get on this now? Thanks. 9
The Bear Whisperer @3:25 PM
I'm a little late on this one, but bear expert Lynn Rogers, founder of the North American Bear Institute, has been all over the bear news beat this week, doing what he does best—interacting with bears. Here's a video where he shows "good bear manners." In unrelated bear news, a correspondent directed me to this Wikipedia entry on Sankebetsu, a gigantic Amur brown bear who terrorized a remote Japanese village in 1915 after waking too early from hibernation. 5
Oh, That's So Cute, An Ice-Skating Bea… AAAGHHH!!! NO, NO!!! PLEASE GOD, HELP ME!!! @12:45 PM
You know what bears don't like so much? Wearing ice-skates. As the BBC reports, an ice-skating bear killed the manager of a touring Russian circus while they practiced for a show in Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan. "The bear, WHO HAD ON SKATES AT THE TIME, severely mauled another circus worker who tried to rescue the manager." Apparently, bears in Russia play hockey, too. That seems like a good idea. Let's give these killing machines big sticks to go along with their razor-sharp claws and teeth. 17
Just Another Bear Attack @11:00 AM
For those who don't know, this is a be@rbrick. It is made by a company called Medicom which sounds like it would manufacture surgical supplies but it doesn't. Instead it is much more useful. It is a limited-edition toy company that makes this bear figurine that costs US$58,000. What's that? You'd like to know if it's hewn from purest cancer antidote and/or has a drawer in its belly that's filled with jobs? Oh man, don't be such an earthling. This fucker is made of steel. Rarest steel. And now it's going to haunt you as it has me because guess what? Those rich, faux-geek assholes who wear piece-dyed jeans and collect this sort of shit to put in their cool-guy curio cabinet STILL HAVE MONEY. 4
Bear's Beer Run Failure @9:25 AM
The saddest part of this story? "Store workers say the bear seemed content in the cooler and did not consume any alcohol." Dude, drink the beer! Otherwise you're just hanging out in a convenience store. And no one wants to be that bear. 3
Bear Dodges Car Theft Rap @11:10 AM
A bear cub broke into a car in a Denver suburb but became trapped when the door shut behind it. One of the responding officers ("The bear," notes the report, "was as surprised to see the deputies as the deputies were to see the bear") opened the door and the bear bolted off… probably to plan his next heist. It's revolving-door justice out there in Colorado. 18
Yes, More Bear! @1:20 PM
Here's a video that ties together so many of the day's themes thus far: Pennsylvania, bears, excessive reliance on videos, and secret Swedish cities of woodworking lesbians. (Okay, not that last one, but I really love that story.) Anyway, two things: One, do not keep wild animals in your home, because they will kill you, and, two, Fox News is biting my bear beat. Don't make me get all Summer of Death on your ass, Murdoch. 7
Bear Survivor Grilled By Shep Smith @11:00 AM
Shep Smith does a six minute segment on the Vail grandmother who savaged a bear with her pillow. It is somewhat astounding, particularly when Shep solemnly reminds us that bears need to know that we "have dominion over the land" and mutters darkly about how they need to be put down "once they get a taste of human food." There is also video of a bear falling onto—and then off of—a trampoline, which gets a hearty chuckle from all involved, except the bear. 10
Krossword Korner, with Alex Pareene: A Bearload of Answers! @3:44 PM
The answers for this week's crossword puzzle follow. READ MORE 3
