Posts Tagged: Baseball
18

Don't Leave Dan Plesac Hanging!

When the full, all-outtakes-taken-in version of Yakkin' About Baseball is released as a three-VHS set around Christmas (by Vestron Video: check for it!), much will be revealed. How much like a S.E. Hinton novel David Roth found this year's Royals to be; how much David Raposa keeps steering things back towards the "fact" that the United Nations/Trilateral Commission "set Ugueth Urbina up" for a crime he didn't commit. But if there is only one lesson to be learned from it, it is that it is very difficult to stay on topic or make jokes—or, at the very least, not type in capital letters all the time—during an Internet-style chat [...]

17

Randy Wolf’s Most Adequate Moments

David Roth: Good news! I’ve secured a licensing deal for Carlos Zambrano RageBeast 27-Hour Energy Drink. Two flavors, for now: Lemon-Lime and Blind Fury. I’m still trying to figure out the ingredients, though. Any thoughts?

David Raposa: Stage blood. Preferably from a summer stock production of Oedipus.

David Roth: And hot dog water is a must. Because you need the nitrates and sodium and ambient protein. So corn syrup, food coloring… PCP?

David Raposa: Ground-up liver of Michael Barrett.

23

The Michael Kay Diet

David Roth: I was trying to explain why having Keith Hernandez sit in the seats at Not-Shea Stadium to announce yesterday's Mets game was such a good idea to my wife. I embarrassed myself.

David Roth: I was saying something along the lines of, "So Keith's, like, haggling with the hot dog vendor, whose name is Orlando, because Keith says hot dogs were $5 last week and now they're $5.50. And then he asked for extra mustard, which he kept calling 'moo-tard' after that." And I felt like Ralph Kiner never feels when he's telling a 15-minute story about Daffy Dean's favorite sandwiches: like I needed to pick up [...]

20

The Pynchonian Bullpen

David Roth: Hello! I am watching the suddenly unstoppable Mets offense bludgeon the Tigers bullpen.

David Raposa: I saw! It looked like every button Leyland tried to push turned out to be either the dashboard lighter or the ejector seat.

David Roth: I don't even know how to act when the Mets are playing like this. It's not helping the unreality factor that everyone in the Tigers pen has a name out of a Pynchon novel. Charles Furbush and Al Albuquerque, debating quantum physics in a punny way or whatever.

David Roth: Also for some reason, every Tigers game I watch features really audible hecklers. Some guy just gave [...]

20

Luke Scott's 'American History K'

David Raposa: Here is some high-quality fantasy baseball analysis: "[Joey Votto's .476 OBP is] 50 points higher than the on-base percentage he posted a year ago but he has increased that mark each of his first four seasons in the majors so he should be able to keep up this pace."

David Roth: That sentence is a joy to read. I'm so glad Rotoworld has Michael Ondaatje writing for them now.

David Raposa: How would you rejigger those bon mots, Mr. Professional Writer, Sir? "Hey, so this guy is getting on base like Barry Bonds, but he should be able to continue that ridiculous pace, so you can [...]

33

The Animal Collective Of The AL East

Baseball: it is slow, and sometimes you see sexagenarians, who are not necessarily in shape, walking around in pinstriped uniforms otherwise worn by guys several decades younger. It is drowsy and arcane and there are bro-tats and shark's tooth necklaces and action-less stretches that stretch towards the 45-minute mark. It is during one of these stretches—dudes just kind of milling around, a concerned and mustachioed old grump trotting arthritically towards the mound, the broadcasters maybe a bit tipsy or maybe not—that you should probably imagine the maunderings to follow occurring. Pretend we're some place that smells like hot dogs and old, soft, translucently fried things. It'll make it seem [...]

1

Sparky Anderson, 1934-2010

George Lee "Sparky" Anderson, one of Major League Baseball's all-time greats, has died. Anderson managed both the Detroit Tigers and Cincinnati Reds to World Series wins, and should also be remembered for his refusal to manage scabs in the wake of the 1994-1995 strike. Anderson was 76.

7

A.J. Pierzynski's Mid-Coital Yawp

David Roth: Do you think VH1 is ready for "Baseball Wives" as a spinoff of "Basketball Wives"?

David Raposa: Do you think Jerry Seinfeld asked the world if it was ready for "The Marriage Ref"?

David Roth: He only asks rhetorical questions, but you're right. I am picturing the same level of heated incoherence and wine-faced ill will as "Basketball Wives," definitely the same turn-back-the-clock-on-gender-perceptions vibe. But everyone wears eye-black in the opening credits and it is set in Boston. And the cast is someone who divorced Bill Mueller back in 2003, Curt Schilling's wife, a kind of trampy lady who says she dated Mark Bellhorn, and a diva [...]

87

60 Of Baseball’s Best Names (That Are Not Hunter Pence), In Order

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Baseball's best name: Hunter Pence (@HunterPence9) of the Astros. Damn good player too…less than a minute ago via web Favorite Retweet ReplyLarry King kingsthings

60. Edward Head 59. Eric Plunk 58. Elmer Klumpp 57. Jayson Faatz 56. Gene Klutts 55. Raymond Ripplemeyer 54. John Boozer 53. Mickey Mantle 52. Pedro Borbón 51. [...]

5

Baseball Fans And The Ball In The Stands

If the rule is written somewhere, no one has ever read it. Nonetheless, no one disputes it: when a ball goes into the stands at a professional baseball game, it belongs to the fan who gets it. When the ball is the one that was hit to break a record, the fan has won the lottery. The prize can be as high as 3 million dollars (see the ball Mark McGwire hit to break Roger Maris’ single season home run record). The ball that Derek Jeter hit out of the park July 9 for his 3000th hit would have fetched a more modest but still decent sum on the [...]

22

Jim Leyland Wants To Know Your Intentions

David Roth: Sorry to be late. But I wanted to watch the end of the Mets game, and K-Rod's post-save Jesus-Thank has gotten so elaborate and time-consuming. The game ended almost 10 minutes ago.

David Raposa: Yeah, I turned the channel after he brought out the crown of sunflower seeds.

David Roth: Any savior worth worshipping would've appreciated it, though. The God I believe in really would appreciate Rodriguez laying out the money to hire the Blue Angels for that flyover.

David Raposa: It's too bad there aren't more Scientologists in MLB. I'd love to see the tats and semaphore they'd employ to give L. Ron some love.

David [...]

19

The Mets Are Missing Something In 2011: Their Fight Song

I attended three recent games at Citi Field, including the doubleheader last Thursday. And I'm pretty sure I've figured out what the Mets are missing this year as they stumble through the early part of their season. It's not timely hitting or clutch pitching. It has nothing to do with what happens on the basepaths or in the clubhouse. It's pretty clear that Manager Terry Collins and General Manager Sandy Alderson don't see it. Or, more importantly, hear it. It's the song "Meet the Mets."

"Meet the Mets," the great battle song of the New York Metropolitans, may be played outside the stadium in instrumental form as Mets' [...]

1

Will Fenway Fans Be Able To Enjoy A Martini As They Take In The Game?

Will the lower orders at Boston's Fenway Park soon be able to avail themselves of the same mixed drink their better-paying fellow baseball fans enjoy? "Representatives of the Red Sox told the Boston Licensing Board last week that the team wants the right to sell mixed drinks, in addition to beer, 'at a limited number of stations' throughout the 37,000-seat stadium and on Yawkey Way. Currently, hard liquor is available mainly at refreshment stands serving fans with upper-level premium seats." Boston's mayor and its constabulary seem perturbed by the proposal, which makes sense when you consider how unpleasant even those most sober Red Sox supporter can be. Still, not [...]

18

San Francisco Briefly Victorious

Congratulations to the city of San Francisco, whose team of men who play with balls did a better job of throwing balls and hitting them with a stick than an opposing team of men who play with balls from Texas. Later this evening, in non-ballplaying related matters, Texas and all it stands for is expected to crush San Francisco and other cities where the cultural underpinnings are those of tolerance, compassion and a belief in the obligation one has to support fellow human beings who have done less well by life during hard times. So I guess it's kind of a trade-off.

Photo by Troy Holden, from Flickr.

24

Gain Weight The Andruw Jones Way

David Raposa: So did you see my public plea to read Frank Deford's abominable plan to destroy baseball?

David Roth: I feel for him. I like Frank Deford as an idea, and sometimes as a writer. I will always ride for an old sportswriter who rocks elbow-patch blazers and acts like someone who rocks elbow-patch blazers. There will not be more like him. It's not like Gregg Doyel is ever going to lose the TapouT tees and Thousand Island-magnet facial hairs and somehow age into class. So it's a drag to see Old Frank trolling.

David Raposa: Even with the well-maintained moustache, pomade, and monogrammed cigarette case, he's [...]

19

Bronx Bombers, Defective Robots

David Roth: I've been on vacation in a place without TV and alarmingly rich in Phillies fans. But I wanted to clear something up with you in re: Yadier Molina's Crazy Eyes Killer routine with that ump.

David Raposa: Thank you for reminding me to witness that bit of TV history (before MLB brings the Sledge-O-Matic down on YouTubers). What is your question, esteemed colleague?

David Roth: Do you think that, since he got that neck tattoo, Yadier feels like he needs to act tough? Like step out of Bengie's shadow, not be known as The Molina Who Can't Eat All That Many Pancakes?

David Raposa: I thought [...]

26

Snacking About Baseball: Foodstuffs Of The Major League Parks

David Raposa is off this week, but Yakkin' About Baseball will return in its usual format next Friday. In the meantime, I’m offering an exclusive (if admittedly a bit self-promoting) look at a pet project of mine that's snowballed into something of an obsession. For the past seven years, I've been working on a still-untitled book project that has entailed visiting—and eating at—every Major League ballpark. The idea was to provide an overview of the concessions (culinary, ethical, otherwise) of Our American Pastime, but it has become something else entirely.

What was originally intended as a mass-market coffee table book has become something much more ambitious—a cross between a [...]

26

That’s So Taguchi

David Roth: Did you just see the ad for the prescription trigylceride medication with the line "side effects include burping?" Oh no, you didn't, it was on the Mets game. You're not watching the Mets game. You are so smart.

David Raposa: I thought gas was a natural Mets by-product

David Roth: Side effects of watching the Mets include sob-burping (or sobburping) as well as misery-bloat, teary eyes, perineal fenestration and perforated headaches.

David Raposa: Goddamn that Carlos Beltran.

David Roth: He's only 65 to 70 percent as ridiculously over-blamed as he used to be.

David Raposa: He should try to hit more five-run homers. Do you [...]

26

Playing Sega Genesis With Manny Ramirez

David Roth: David Raposa, I think you pissed off Tony La Russa. He gets asked these sad I-am-really-on-deadline-right-now questions every day as part of his job. Shouldn't he know how to answer these questions a little less… ulcerously?

David Raposa: Well, David Roth, I have to say that is some weaksauce ranting. He didn't even mention Kurt Bevacqua. Granted, beat reporters are stuck asking that sort of "well duh" nonsense in order to file copy. But he's just trying to rally the troops. Even the ones he can’t remember by name. "You think those Mendoza Lining clowns I field every day to hit behind the pitcher can't [...]

26

The Yankees Are Treating Derek Jeter Rather Shabbily

Who said the Steinbrenner kids weren't going to be as much fun as their old man? The Evil Empire, through its GM (and future cat lady) Brian Cashman, sent an e-mail yesterday that said if Yankees' Captain Derek Jeter could find a better offer than 3 years $45 million, he should Fucking Take It Somewhere Else. It was the kind of drunken hurt text message you send your favorite prostitute. OH YEAH? WELL YOURE JUST A FUCKIN PROSTITUTE AND IM A REAL PERSON! $45 million, by the way, is how much the Yankees spend annually on Puffs Plus. The good kind, with the lotion AND the Halls mentholyptus essence. [...]