Monday, June 23rd, 2014

How I Got My iPhone to Finally Let Me Swear

I was on vacation last week (while apparently you all fell for some app that just sent the word "yo" to each other, and also all suddenly became soccer fans? Great work!) and I took the opportunity to handle all those little annoying tasks that you never get to. For instance: iPhone autocorrect is the most horrible thing in the world. For years, my phone has been typing "ducxking" for me when clearly I intend to type… not that. It's easy to fix!

Go to Settings.

Go to General.

Scroll down for Keyboard.

Hit Shortcuts.

There you can add a "shortcut" but that is actually a dictionary of sorts. If you just add the word or phrase you want, and don't add an actual shortcut, it will stop autocorrecting the word you mean to type. NO MORE DUCXKING.

This exercise of adding my commonly used swearwords was, as always, an excellent reminder about the horrors of our gendered and sexphobic and certainly slutphobic swear economy. I mean: TRIGGER WARNING for "the existence of humanity." (Ya fudgepackers.)

25 Comments / Post A Comment

dullhypothesis (#234,533)

At the DC Apple announced that 3rd party keyboards are on the way, which means none of this matters. We'll all get Swiftkey when it comes out for iPhone so that our keyboard can scour the interwebz and our text history to predict when we want to say "fun" and when we want to say "fudgepackers." Welcome to the future, pigpoopballs.

Is it really "pantywaist" and not "pantywaste"?

Also, an upgraded hack would be to make the shortcuts actual shortcuts; I use "jfc" for "jesus fucking christ."

1008877428@twitter (#279,870)

@antarctica starts here – as in having the girlish waist of a panties-wearer. Not as in profligacy with undies.

KarenUhOh (#19)

Since when is "pantywaist" a "swear word"? My mother used that word, and she had a hair trigger when it came to washing YT's mouth out w/ soap.

BoHan (#29)

Puto needed. God you stupid ass gringos.
dictated via swift key.

Alex Balk (#4)

Thank you for spelling blowjob in the correct, single-word format.

When facefucker and fuckface collide.

Also: glaring absence of "fingerblast" -er/-ing/-ed.

jolie (#16)

Uch 'jewess' is so great and it makes me so upset when I can't decide if I love it more or less than I love 'editrix'. Also I'm STILL telling people that I don't swear in my writing "because Choire told me I was better when I didn't swear" but OFFICIALLY SPEAKING AS OF RIGHT NOW fuuuuuuck that! (No I basically still won't swear in my writing because Choire told me I was better when I didn't swear okay fine you caught me.)

@jolie : On my way!

Also, I feel that a shortcut that turns a typed "fuck" into "fuuuuuuuck" would be the best thing ever. I'm doing that right now.

jolie (#16)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose I'm getting LOADED on the Amtrak and trying not to mouth off to someone on Twitter and I'm kind of thinking I might just hijack these comments and let it rip. We're delayed outside of Providence. Gonna get another vino. This should end well.

jolie (#16)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose Do you know that my autocorrect turns "Choire" into "CHOIRE"??? I don't know how or why but I will never tell it differently.

@jolie : It seems totally reasonable that it should always be CHOIRE, if not CHOIRRRRRRE.

Also, Amtrak. Like they could have come up with a more underachieving name, or a less pleasant one to say. It straight-up sounds like a Soviet weather station or munition or maybe both. We will achieve greater national glory with AMTRAK deployment.

@Gef the Talking Mongoose : I'm going to set up my autocorrect dictionary to auto-vocal-fry everything I type so it allllll comesss out liiiiike thiiizzzzz.

jolie (#16)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose Ohhhhhh myyy Godddddddddddd did I ever tell you about the time I decided to try to start talking with a vocal fry instead of my '90s-style uptalk so I could sound younger??????? (SPOILER ALERT: It didn't go so well.)

amockingbird (#2,015)

I almost get Apple trying to keep people from cussing on their phones, other than it's being useless and stupid. What gets me is that they're used by doctors for medical reference and autocorrect doesn't recognize words like penis or condom and likes to autofill vagina to vaginitis. Which it just did for me. It's like your phone has a little republican lawmaker in it, getting all red faced that you dare talk about lady parts.

@amockingbird : Well, seeing as how it will undoubtedly autocorrect "aspirate" as "asspirate," Choire's iPhone will never be fit for medical use.

lakonislate (#11,914)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose It probably never had any aspirations.

Amasa Amos (#9,654)

I love that "iphone" is in your list of insults.

Mr. B (#10,093)

I guess this is as good a place as any to come out as an Android user (by choice, assholes).

BadUncle (#153)

Seriously, how is "fisting" not on there?

PeachyWodehouse (#265,935)

Why wouldn't you make a legit shortcut, such as asf for assface, bsk for ballsack, dkwd for dickwad (etc.)? If swearing on your iPhone is such a BFD, you might as well save yourself some type time.

191183883@twitter (#280,016)

I hope everyone knows that you can turn off autocorrect completely.
Settings / Keyboard / Auto-Correction OFF

I also have Check Spelling, Enable Caps Lock and "." Shortcut turned off, but I find Auto-Capitalisation useful enough to leave on.

The main reason is that I often write tech-speak, brands, URLs etc and mix two languages, which makes it take more time to correct autocorrect than to write my messages without any assistance, but that's me.


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