Wednesday, April 9th, 2014
2

43 Crucial Facebook Button Additions

Nothing will replace the “like” button on our Facebook pages. But does it say enough? Even with the fine suggestion from Facebook engineers of a “sympathize” button, we’re still handcuffed to a simple abstraction—“like”—when what we really mean is so much more specific.

• This post has my name on it.

• Historically I’ve “liked” stuff like this.

• Don’t dislike.

• Great photo of you! (Shitty photo of me!)

• Ha ha ha!—I think I understand.

• A lot of my friends have “liked” this.

• Inside joke?

• Missing word?

• LOL’d… didn’t quiiite ROTFL.

• Think you’re attractive.

• Keep going back and forth between “like” and “unlike.”

• Thought you were staying in this weekend…?

• Nice accomplishment.

• Are you dating an old man? Or is that your dad?

• In the bathroom “liking” a post you made earlier from this bathroom.

• My, you are outgoing.

• You can’t expect me to “like” two different profile pics in the same day. I won’t. I will not…. Okay, I changed my mind.

• How did you get married before I did?

• You dressed better than you needed to for that event.

• You look heavier than you did last year at this time.

• Did the math and you may have been pregnant before the wedding.

• Can figure it out for sure if you send me dates of your last ten periods.

• Don’t think we haven’t noticed you’re posting a lot lately.

• You titled your own photo. Are you an artist?

• Can’t believe you “liked” your own post. Can’t believe I did, too.

• Clicked “See More” when I wasn’t reading in the first place.

• Your newborn looks dumb.

• No one has “liked” this yet, and it’s been hours.

• Do you own other t-shirts?

• You look thrilled to be in this photo. Bill Clinton does not.

• Wish I had a house like yours and not like mine.

• Again: nice accomplishment.

• Is there such thing as a “hate-like”? I’ve been “hate-liking” a lot of these.

• And hating myself all the while.

• Your dog is cuter than your son.

• Your niece makes weird art.

• This post is actually cool, but I’ve sold myself out by “liking” so many of your posts that weren’t cool, and now I don’t know how to express that.

• Okay, once again—nice accomplishment.

• Sick of your accomplishments.

• Leaving Facebook.

• Goodbye forever.

• Hey, I’m back.

• Will you be my friend?




Jeff Bender is a writer living in Bellingham, Washington. He received his MFA from Columbia University and is currently at work on his first novel.

2 Comments / Post A Comment

BadUncle (#153)

Pardon me while mark my territory on your thoughts.

ejcsanfran (#489)

I wish there were a "I'm studiously not clicking the 'like' button" button.

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