Wednesday, April 9th, 2014

43 Crucial Facebook Button Additions

Nothing will replace the “like” button on our Facebook pages. But does it say enough? Even with the fine suggestion from Facebook engineers of a “sympathize” button, we’re still handcuffed to a simple abstraction—“like”—when what we really mean is so much more specific.

• This post has my name on it.

• Historically I’ve “liked” stuff like this.

• Don’t dislike.

• Great photo of you! (Shitty photo of me!)

• Ha ha ha!—I think I understand.

• A lot of my friends have “liked” this.

• Inside joke?

• Missing word?

• LOL’d… didn’t quiiite ROTFL.

• Think you’re attractive.

• Keep going back and forth between “like” and “unlike.”

• Thought you were staying in this weekend…?

• Nice accomplishment.

• Are you dating an old man? Or is that your dad?

• In the bathroom “liking” a post you made earlier from this bathroom.

• My, you are outgoing.

• You can’t expect me to “like” two different profile pics in the same day. I won’t. I will not…. Okay, I changed my mind.

• How did you get married before I did?

• You dressed better than you needed to for that event.

• You look heavier than you did last year at this time.

• Did the math and you may have been pregnant before the wedding.

• Can figure it out for sure if you send me dates of your last ten periods.

• Don’t think we haven’t noticed you’re posting a lot lately.

• You titled your own photo. Are you an artist?

• Can’t believe you “liked” your own post. Can’t believe I did, too.

• Clicked “See More” when I wasn’t reading in the first place.

• Your newborn looks dumb.

• No one has “liked” this yet, and it’s been hours.

• Do you own other t-shirts?

• You look thrilled to be in this photo. Bill Clinton does not.

• Wish I had a house like yours and not like mine.

• Again: nice accomplishment.

• Is there such thing as a “hate-like”? I’ve been “hate-liking” a lot of these.

• And hating myself all the while.

• Your dog is cuter than your son.

• Your niece makes weird art.

• This post is actually cool, but I’ve sold myself out by “liking” so many of your posts that weren’t cool, and now I don’t know how to express that.

• Okay, once again—nice accomplishment.

• Sick of your accomplishments.

• Leaving Facebook.

• Goodbye forever.

• Hey, I’m back.

• Will you be my friend?

Jeff Bender is a writer living in Bellingham, Washington. He received his MFA from Columbia University and is currently at work on his first novel.

2 Comments / Post A Comment

BadUncle (#153)

Pardon me while mark my territory on your thoughts.

ejcsanfran (#489)

I wish there were a "I'm studiously not clicking the 'like' button" button.

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