Wednesday, March 19th, 2014
118

Ask Polly: My Boyfriend Thinks I'm Ugly

Dear Polly,

The amazing man I'm with told me to improve my looks when we first got together. We've been together four years now. Here's the story:

When he first met me, he had fallen for me straight away, always coming in for coffee on my shift at the local cafe, always texting first, offering rides home, asking me out first. He was very sweet and persistent.

I was hooked and I said yes, yes I will be your girlfriend. Then some shit started…

He never complimented me on any of my physical traits, yet every weekend we hung out, he would somehow manage to tell me that he wanted me to have larger breasts like so-and-so, get more toned legs like this person, grow your hair long and put on some eye shadow…. A lot of similar things were said over and over for probably the first six months of our relationship. I think I didn't confront him for so long because I really liked him otherwise. I was also only 20 at the time and really wanted this relationship to work.

I was incredibly hurt every time but I held my disappointment and devastation inside. Then one day, I was mad enough to confront him. I told him that what he was saying was downright hurtful and that he shouldn't be with me if all he can think of is improving me and making me more like other women he probably desired.

He was completely shocked at my confrontation as if he didn't realize he was hurting me. Right after that he never compared me to anyone again, he even started complimenting me and saying that I was the most beautiful woman in the world to him.

I usually tell him to drop it with the comments because I don't believe him. It annoys the hell out of me that he always tries to overcompensate.

You might be wondering why I stay with him? Well, he's WONDERFUL. He does dishes, takes out garbage, is kind and thoughtful. He always wants to buy me anything and everything I want, even though he can't cause we're not rich, but he always tries his best. He listens to me and is interested in my life. He supports my goals and dreams and always believes in me when other people do not. He is faithful and compassionate. It's difficult to leave such a lovely package.

My theory for his actions at the beginning of the relationship is that, he was just being completely honest, without any thought for consequence. On the very downside, his ridiculously honest comments at the beginning of the relationship have given my self-esteem a beating. Sometimes during sex I feel inadequate cause I know I don't look a certain way.

BUT… why oh why did he say such cruel things and then try to over-compensate??? It is very very annoying.

AND HERE'S THE TWIST. The other night he decided to compliment me. I got mad and started saying he has been lying all these years. And then… he admitted that he had been!

He said that I am not the most beautiful woman to him. He was just trying to make me feel better and mend the wound.

WHAT THE FUCK. Why go through all the trouble of lying just to tell the truth? Sigh. I am pretty relieved to finally hear the truth. Because I always knew.

Now I don't know what to do, I've been largely ignoring this issue, sweeping it under the rug.

I would love some straightforward advice. I want to know if it's worth it to stay with a man who didn't really want me for who I was physically. I know relationships are not based on physical attraction. But do you think his actions have been unreasonable? I feel hurt and kind of ugly. Should I completely forgive him and keep focusing on the positives of our relationship?

He has since said, "Physically you are an okay, pretty girl, but that's it. Many girls are much hotter than you." I know this is true. I'm glad he can be honest again. But I don't know if I can get over the fact that he lied for sooooo long.

I really don't want you to tell me to follow my heart, and that it's up to me to choose what I do. (Because that's what people have told me.) Please tell me what to do… OR tell me what you would do if you were in my situation now.

Thanks in advance.

Not Hot Enough




Dear NHE,

First things first. Your wonderful man is a fucking moron, no more, no less. Straight out of the gate, he was a total and complete idiot, not to mention a sexist dimbulb who had the gall to reduce you to the sum of your (individually analyzed and rated) parts. Sadly, this is just how dudes (and women, too) are grown in this poisonous culture, to see each unique flavor of gorgeousness as some mutant strain that needs all of its lovely originality beaten down and smoothed over until we all resemble bland catalogue models and Disney-branded fuckdolls. If your dipshit boyfriend had a magical looks mixing panel, so he could adjust your nose shape and cup size and leg length and waist size and eye shadow levels just so, you'd come out looking like a cross between Pamela Anderson and some nondescript child star from an ABC Family sitcom, trussed up in Ru Paul drag. And you would be BUTT FUCKING UGLY.

The camera (and therefore the dick sitting in the greased hand) may prefer big watery doll eyes and baby piglet, button noses and tits like two overinflated volleyballs, but in real life, even clueless dudes like yours prefer real adult humans with words that spill out of their misshapen mortal mouths. So what's a poor guy to do? After several decades of training his dick, via strenuous porn- and US Weekly-aided beatdown sessions, he goes and falls for a regular, real-life woman with thoughts and feelings and tits that aren't turgid, an ass that isn't airbrushed, features that aren't supernaturally inoffensive. He thought you could make a few simple changes and get him off faster. Lazy, tactless, almost unforgivable, if not for all the other good stuff about him.

You kept your mouth shut for way, way too long. You were young. HEY LADIES! Don't bite your tongue when your new paramour starts clumsily hurting your feelings about your physical features. Make it crystal fucking clear that you are unique and beautiful in your own way and if a dude can't see that with his lazy pig eyes then he should get his rocks off with 2-D images and leave you the fuck alone. (You can get this point across without sounding like a vengeful evil queen in training, of course. Theoretically. Not that I've tried.)

Now, plenty of smart women out there might tell you to dump the dude immediately. Not me. I believe you when you say that he's great. I really do. Considering how toxic and fucked this culture of ours is about looks, we cannot lay that giant burden of blame on a probably very nice dummy boyfriend. He stewed in these toxic cultural juices for way too long.

And sure, clearly he went overboard in his awkward attempts to fix everything. You waited WAY too long to speak up, and he was mortified when you finally did. He had NO FUCKING IDEA he was hurting you. So he starts saying you were perfect in every way instead. He is not a smooth guy. Bu this heart was in the right place when he tried to clean it up.

So then what happens? THEN you grill him exhaustively about his sweeping and exaggerated lying about your looks, which—I don't know, lady. I get it, I totally do, but you're starting to really push it, ripping the old bloom off the rose as if that's going to help. So finally, you leave him no option but to tell you EXACTLY WHAT HE THINKS. (Ladies: Don't fucking ask.) And here is what he thinks:

"Physically, you are an okay, pretty girl, but that's it. Many girls are much hotter than you."

Do you notice that this statement is basically what the mirror tells the evil queen in Snow White? The magic mirror tells the evil queen that she is beautiful, sure, but SNOW WHITE IS ONE THOUSAND TIMES MORE FAIR. Which translates, roughly as, "You're OK. You're like a 7, maybe an 8. But Snow White? She is hot as shit, dude. She's like an 11. And I'll be honest, there are tons of 9s and 10s out there. But you're pretty. You're a 7. Maybe an 8 with make-up. You're at least an 8.5 when you've got my dick in your mouth."

OK, fine. Magic mirrors don't have dicks.

The point is, your boyfriend's exact words match those in a fairy tale for a reason. Unbeknownst to most people, the moral of "Snow White" is not "Don't taste sketchy fruit from pushy old ladies." It's actually "Don't expect to be the hottest girl in the world, because you never, ever, ever will be. Even if you think for five seconds that you are The Hottest Ever, those five seconds will go POOF! and then some other little button-nosed, pale-ass hussy will roll right up and steal your thunder and you'll be all GODDAMN IT I AM THE HOTTEST KILL THAT BITCH!"

(This is also the moral to a few of the better Tori Amos songs.)

So here's the thing: Nobody gets to be the hottest. And thinking that there's one hottest out there, or that there's some 1% of hotness that floats around among 18- to 35-year-olds, constantly pushing out the elders and bringing in the youngsters, is deeply fucked. The whole statement "Many girls are much hotter than you," is at once completely accurate for every woman alive, including your lower-rung Gisele Bündchens, and also totally inaccurate, because the so-called "hottest" are, in many cases, humans who've been sanded and sculpted and airbrushed into shapes and forms so common and bland they might as well be a hologram.

And that's not to mention what happens when you actually speak to many of these sorts of strange people who are either naturally designed or custom-designed for the camera. Some of them are rocket scientists, absolutely. Others, though, have been so constantly besieged by their own stupefying hotness—always surrounded by fawning, babbling menfolk—that they have no onboard navigational systems and, in fact, are a little depressed and worried that no one digs them for who they really are. To the point where, if you say to them, "You're super hot," they feel like you're saying, "You're dumb and worthless inside. I will never look past your camera-ready face and see a real person." I know it's hard to feel sorry for hot ladies. But what I'm telling you is true. Hot people are sometimes very insecure, and a little dull in their repetitive, self-centered, not-all-that-sensitive-to-mere-mortals style of insecurity.

In conclusion: Worrying about all the hotter girls in the world, or thinking that you should move toward their ranks somehow, is understandable, yes, but it's also totally fucking stupid, a waste of time, AND (as the evil queen in Snow White so beautifully demonstrates) a really good way to destroy your emotional health and ruin your entire life.

Competitive hotness is also terrible for your soul, and your personality. Stay in shape, shampoo your hair, sure, but don't start thinking about your relative hotness in the room, in the neighborhood, in the town.

Because here's the real truth. Are you listening? EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW IS AN OK, PRETTY GIRL. Every single one. Every woman has been told there are hotter women out there. Sure, we all believe that there are these fine gradations of hotness that can be ranked. WRONG, MOTHERFUCKERS. Each face and body is uniquely gorgeous and riveting and special, and the healthier and happier you are, the more clearly you can see this. There is no hotness target you need to hit. You simply need to be active, eat raw green shit as much as you can stand, and—this is the crucial part—BELIEVE THAT YOU HAVE SOME SPECIAL SAUCE that is yours and yours alone.

Because even though you are soaking in this poisonous, monkey-spanking, Hooters culture, the fact of the matter is that the world outside your door LOVES that special sauce.

Let me tell you about myself. I am not and have never been the hottest. In high school, my best friend was widely agreed-upon to be the hottest girl in school. She was voted "Best Looking" and everything (Yes, we old people endured that shit). I was the ok-looking chick who got her leftovers. Sometimes the leftover dude would actually sit and sulk when his buddy disappeared in the next room with my friend. He would SIT AND SULK instead of making out with me, that's how much he wanted her and was uninterested in my lukewarm leftovers.

Why did this happen? Because at the time I was gunning for the hottest one, too. IN HIGH SCHOOL, WE WERE ALL GUNNING FOR THE HOTTEST. And when you blindly gun for the hottest (LIKE A LOSER, ahem) you deserve to feel like lukewarm leftovers.

But when I look at old photos of all of my girlfriends from high school? We all look like different flavors of pretty. We are like a bouquet of flowers. We were all lovely in our own original ways. No one was the absolute most riveting. People who couldn't see the bouquet, who would rather pick out one and say THIS ONE IS THE FUCKING BEST ONE are the sorts of people who dig red roses over peachy tulips and plucky daisies and interesting green weedy clustery flowers you've never even seen before.

Now I'm 43 years old. Do I think I'm gross? Sometimes. But generally speaking I feel good about myself. I run 4 miles four times a week. That doesn't render me magically gorgeous, but it does allow me to imagine occasionally that I'm not wretched. My husband says the right things and I don't dissect those things. I suspend my disbelief. I never accuse him of lying when he claims that NO ONE LOOKS NEARLY AS GOOD AS I DO. He is wrong, of course. I don't ask him to be specific about who looks better and who looks worse. Ok, I do sometimes say stuff like, "I'm lucky you have such shitty eyesight."

I'm not above it all, believe me. And there are days when I look my fucking age, and yes, I wonder how it will be years from now, when I look like Walter fucking Cronkite. I cannot wrap old age in my loving hippie embrace. When I eat too many cronuts, my face looks like an ass cheek. I occasionally long for sticky overpriced French eye creams that I cannot fucking afford.

But I know that no matter what else is going on with me, no matter how old and Cronkite-like I get, I'll still have a little swagger, damn it. I will not stop believing that I have that special motherfucking sauce.

Beauty is not about the facts or where you rank on some scale, and only an idiot would try to put it in those terms. You, letter writer, are probably, in the words of the magic mirror, A THOUSAND TIMES MORE FAIR than me. You know what you need? More spark. More special sauce. More swagger.

You need to stop asking this boyfriend of yours specific questions. Do not ask him about your face or your ass or your tits. NEVER do that. Do not squeeze your thigh and point to it. Do not point out bad photos where you look like a praying mantis. Do not ask him where you rank. Why would you trust HIM on that front anyway? Like I said before, as nice as he is, he is obviously a moron about knowing when to shut his mouth, and what not to say when it's open. Why would HE know how you stack up, or what beauty actually is, for that matter? The only relevant question is: Are you attracted to me? Do I turn you on? And clearly, if you asked him those things, he would say YES YES GIVE IT TO ME.

So you need to decide for yourself what makes you a special, irreplaceable flower in the lady bouquet. You need to notice that The Hottest and OK, Pretty are exactly the same when you're talking to them, listening to them, spending time with them. My favorite, most interesting friends look the most beautiful to me, and I get confused when other people seem to see them differently because they don’t know them well. Your boyfriend seems to adore you. He is not cheating on you or flirting with randos online. He doesn't own a cardboard cut-out of Pamela Anderson that he puts on top of your body when he fucks you.

The problem now is that you want to edit the stupid shit he's said. You want him to read from a new script that will erase the old one. NOT POSSIBLE. Your big task now is to accept that men and women are not the same, that lots of men on this planet are at least a little dipshitty in the same dumb animal way that your boyfriend is, and that that's just the way the world is today. A man is not a woman. Women are confused and weird in other ways. Women also do stupid shit. But right now, let's accept that your guy has bad taste and can't appreciate the bouquet of womankind, thanks to the cultural pollution he's inhaled and ingested. Let's gently nudge him toward seeing the REAL BEAUTY that's around him, not just in you, but in all women whom he maybe considers less than officially hot. Let's readjust his badly calibrated instruments through generous, kind attempts at enlightenment. Here and there. Gently. He is slow and clumsy. Be nice about it. He has a crappy palate, like someone who's eaten nothing but Chicken McNuggets since the day he was born.

You should move past that. He adores you and gives you the love you want. Accept his donkey mind and American dolt taste and be done with it. What the fuck does HE look like anyway? Is he shaking off mega-wattage supermodels everywhere he goes? I fucking doubt it. Let the guy dream about perfection that doesn't exist, if he must. He just doesn't know yet that perfection isn't hot at all, it's bland and fugly. He'll grow up and figure it out. Maybe.

But you also need to grow up and get over his shortsighted comments. Figure out that you have a special, special sauce that puts all of the Hooters blandness in the world to shame in a single instant. Figure out that your pull is so strong that your dude, even with his badly calibrated instruments, didn't notice this or that flaw at the outset. All he wanted was you. Once he got you, he wanted to perfect you, because he is the whack product of a whack culture. Not your problem. His problem, his sickness, period.

Now, if you don't read this and think, OF COURSE! MY SPECIAL FUCKING SAUCE! I'VE ALWAYS HAD IT! (I mean, what are all those boys doing in the yard, anyway? That's my milkshake, motherfucker!) If no part of you is like FUCK YEAH, MY SPARKEDY SPARK!? Then you've got work to do. Work that has nothing to do with him. You have your own sickness. You need healing.

Therapy, maybe. Not to talk about your boyfriend's ideas about your body. To talk about YOUR ideas about YOUR SELF. Why do you suspect that he will abandon you, or find you to be NOT GOOD ENOUGH (if, in fact, that's what lies at the center of this anger you have toward him)? Who told you that you didn't stack up? Who told you you were just ok, nothing special?

YOU ARE SOMETHING SPECIAL. It's obvious to everyone else, isn't it? Why can't you yourself see it? Do you think you need big tits and eye shadow to see it more clearly?

Be patient and kind to yourself. Nudge yourself gently in the direction of noncompetitive appreciation of your place in a gorgeous bouquet. You will come to understand and appreciate your glorious place on this planet. You may need a therapist to help you with this, or not. Just don't stay angry and scared, and stop giving your power away to other people. Look at the truth and then decide for yourself what YOU want to believe in, moving forward.

Most of all, don't pin any of your struggles on your status as OK, Pretty Girl. From one OK, Pretty Girl to another, THERE ARE A MILLION KINDS OF FAIR. Stop treating yourself like cold leftovers. Embrace exactly what you have, love love love your pretty face for all of its distinct prettiness, and enjoy it like crazy. It's not about actually being THE MOST PRETTY, it's about feeling pretty. Feeling pretty IS being pretty. Learn to do the things that make you feel pretty. Accept your slow monkey boyfriend and look past his clumsiness, straight through to his big heart. He will learn, and grow. Feel the love, seize this glorious, shining day, embrace how gorgeous and unique you both are, and smash all the mirrors that say otherwise.

Polly




You're not quite hot enough either? Write to Polly and discuss.

Heather Havrilesky (aka Polly Esther) is The Awl's existential advice columnist. She's also a regular contributor to The New York Times Magazine, and is the author of the memoir Disaster Preparedness (Riverhead 2011). She blogs here about scratchy pants, personality disorders, and aged cheeses. Photo by Don DeBold.

118 Comments / Post A Comment

Brunhilde (#1,225)

"The amazing man I'm with told me to improve my looks when we first got together." – THAT IS DEFINITIVELY NOT AN AMAZING MAN.

Okay, off to read past that first sentence now.

KarenUhOh (#19)

Men would be markedly improved if they had mouths but no vocal cords.

@KarenUhOh : As a man, I'm inclined to agree. On my worst days, I should probably have my typing fingers confiscated, too.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose Come to think of it, my best days are my mutest days.

Lightenup (#270,230)

@KarenUhOh Sexist bitch! I'm not sure how women can preach to abolish sexism when they seem to have no concept what it is and so ignorant to believe it is fine to be sexist to men as long as they aren't back! It's the same issues that lie with racism! It seems people are fine fighting for their so equal behaviour as long as they can do and say what they want with no response! If were going to be sexist let's say this…. 'Typical women blaming him for her own issues! She herself admits what he says about her attractiveness is fair says she hates what he says when he's telling the truth then hates that he lies because she's too pathetic to accept the truth! Poor fucker seems hooked on this idiot so much that he'll lie and hang off her every word so as not to offend her by making her aware that funnily enough she's not the most attractive person in the world however I'm sure…. Going back to sexist response here…. As a women I'm sure she'd take no issue with telling him to lose some weight or have his hair this way or wear these clothes but of course I shouldn't say that because that sounds too much like a 2 way street!

Cbrezel (#279,797)

Thank you. Pretty sure your the only "real" post on here.

laurel (#4,035)

My dating advice for everyone, ever: don't hang around people who can't think a thing without saying it.

ejcsanfran (#489)

@laurel: But as long as they follow it up with, "I'm just being honest" it's OK, right?

Real-ism (#264,910)

@laurel so we should hang out with a bunch of liars, who filter all their thoughts? and can never be honest about anything?

bibliobotic (#244,713)

@Real-ism Except "unable to filter any of their thoughts" and "lies all the time" are not the same thing.

PistolPackinMama (#231,054)

@bibliobotic no no, don't you see, the right to say anything that crosses your mind is more important than other people's feelings. And it's more important to say what's on your mind than think about why you're saying it! And of course if you're going to say something truthful, you have to say something unkind because that's what honesty is, right? Because if it's considerate it has to be false, right?

Or maybe not.

Jeez.

Lightenup (#270,230)

@PistolPackinMama Nope you haven't got to say something unkind to tell the truth….. But people need to have what they seem to think is a right to have everyone say what they want to hear….. If you're not very attractive… Live with it don't expect someone to lie about it people these days are so hooked up on saying the right things no one knows what they truly mean!

@Lightenup I logged in specially to tell you you're an asshole.

Cbrezel (#279,797)

@laurel your stupid

Cbrezel (#279,797)

@PistolPackinMama oh ya for sure I'm gonna tell my pregnant wife that she doesn't look beautiful when she asks. Are you completely fucked. Ya say the truth no matter the consequences eh. Stupid.

Regina Small (#2,468)

This is probably the best thing I have ever read about self-image. I love this column so much. Never stop advising, Polly.

Susannaf (#231,800)

"Empties the trash and washes the dishes" = a damn low bar for a grown adult.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@Susannaf I don't know, when people ask me what I see in her, why I love her, I always say "tries to buy me whatever I want even though she's broke" right after the #1 quality: "does chores".

Real-ism (#264,910)

@Susannaf "Empties the trash and washes the dishes" I really think everyone is being harsh about these qualities. They are not as measly as you would think.

It means that he is helpful around the house, an amazing quality in a spouse, imagine having babies with a partner who did fuck all around the house. have you ever read "5 languages of love" this man shows his love through "acts of service". she also states he believes in her dreams and is interested in her as a person, no one is taking that into account.

He definitely fucked up but at least he tells the truth. Its better to have your partner believe in your dreams and support you towards your goals than someone who thinks you're hot shit. It takes much more effort to support someone than it does to compliment them. You can easily think any magazine model is hot and beautiful.

But would you help them with their house chores, listen to their dreams and goals, support them with compassion and faithfulness? I commend Polly for seeing what real relationships are really about and supporting this girl in pursuing real love with a real person who makes mistakes. My ex-husband complimented me all the time, but he never did anything around the house, and he never believed in my dreams.

This LW is incredibly lucky. Its a beautiful thing when we can see past physical flaws and still love someone with all our heart. thats real love.

Susannaf (#231,800)

@Real-ism Sorry, but it's not "special" for a man to do household chores. He doesn't get a pat on the back for doing that. It's simply a matter of being a functioning adult.

glasstwizzlestix (#242,762)

@Real-ism, I don't disagree with a lot of what you said, but it is not THAT beautiful a thing to "see past physical flaws and *still* love someone with all our hearts"… No high-fives for that; it's actually a relatively unexceptional thing, frankly. It's an odd premise that suggests physical "flaws" preclude people from just naturally being whole-heartedly loved. Ugly people get married with sappy, heartfelt, sentimental love vows every single day. To suggest that overcoming some "challenge" of loving someone with physical flaws is a noteworthy thing to have done or to do, is just silly.

glasstwizzlestix (#242,762)

@Real-ism, (But that doesn't mean *you're* silly! Just the tiny bit of your otherwise thoughtful position that I didn't happen to agree with. :) In case that wasn't clear.)

carpetblogger (#306)

I read this column primarily because it reminds me how glad I am not to be 25 anymore.

thegirlieshow (#253,364)

@carpetblogger Worddddd

BeenThereDoneThat (#258,177)

I don't care for the boyfriend. I say start fresh with someone not obsessed with "hotness" and can see your inately unique self and love you for that. He is not a great boyfriend by any strentch of the imagination.

charlsiekate (#231,720)

Rationally, I know that I'm an intelligent, hilarious, happy, upbeat creative individual, and that people like me for my personality and my own special sauce. I have a law degree! I pay my own bills! But I have been working for years to overcome this deep seated feeling that the main reason people like me is because I'm pretty. Which is really stupid, because rationally, I'm sure lots of people don't think I'm pretty. I'm not beautiful, I definitely don't look like a swimsuit model. Objectively, with a different personality I could be almost plain. And yet, I instictively assume my looks trump everything else.

The reverse of this is that I am not in the least bit flattered when someone tells me I am beautiful. But when someone thinks I am funny and likes the way my brain works and wants to know about my career or to discuss the book I'm reading? Swoon. (except no one ever really wants to discuss the book I'm reading)

calamity (#264,836)

@charlsiekate Hah, I suffer from this affliction too … I'm certainly not The 1% Hotness, yet physical compliments do almost nothing for me. My appearance is due to the recombination of my parents' genes and a lack of an eating disorder. I'd rather hear compliments on what I'm wearing, or my haircut, or something like that that I actually chose.

Meanwhile, I'm genuinely puzzled when straight guys show non-sexual interest in me. Like, what?? You actually enjoy my personality and don't want to get in my pants too??? I mean, OBVIOUSLY I'm smart and pretty funny and can tell you some interesting stories when I've got a few drinks in me, and I think I'm awesome, but in what realm would anyone else see that as more important than the way I look??

charlsiekate (#231,720)

@calamity That's so funny you mention your parents genes, becuase my parents happen to be what people would call – the beautiful people, and I was told more than once growing up that I was pretty, but my mom was beautiful. Luckily, I never saw my mother's beauty as a detraction from my own, I saw it more of a guarantee of my potential. I wonder if this is feeling is common in the children of good looking people?

I definitely agree that the fact that I have very little control over my skin and my hair and my figure is a big part of the confusion. I'm just tall enough to be tall, and naturally lean and muscular, whether I work out or not. The physical qualities that receive so much attention happen to be things that I did absolutely nothing to deserve or earn, and instead are good genes.

I've been given things based on my looks – jobs, drinks, attention, etc – and as cool as it sounds,I think it messed my head up a little bit about which traits were valuable to the world. It is something I'm really striving to come to terms with, because I think aging gracefully is really important and worthwhile. Plus, I'm such a huge nerd, and I end up weirding out people who are mostly interested in my looks.

@charlsiekate seriously? this is a problem how?

charlsiekate (#231,720)

@Sharilyn Neidhardt Because looks are fleeting, and are a terribly flimsy foundation for your self esteem. I want to most value in myself the things I most value in others. Believing that your looks are more important than anything else you have to offer is an unhealthy way to live your life.

@charlsiekate And in this we agree of course. But for real: our outward appearance is the #1 way we are judged by other members of our species (particularly males? I guess I'm not sure about that). Wishing we were valued more for big brains than for big breasts won't make it so.

As an older lady who was smoking hot in her younger years (and is now decidedly less so) I DEFINITELY think it behooves all women not to coast on the fleeting glamour of youthful beauty. However, I also detect in my age cohort a distinct tendency to kind of "give up" on their physical attributes as gravity begins to take a toll. Looks are not the most important thing, but they are important.

And of course, every woman I meet is absolutely interesting and beautiful and hott in her own way.

charlsiekate (#231,720)

@Sharilyn Neidhardt Oh don't you worry, I'm not giving up. I'm a work out fanatic for health reasons (physical and mental), I put on sunscreen before I walk my dog in the morning, and I love expensive make up. I am only too aware that I'm more effective and forceful in a business setting with the right eyeliner and mascara – but that generally just lowers my opinion of the people around me more than it makes me feel good about myself.

And when I say aging gracefully, I don't mean hanging it up – I just mean accepting that maybe you can't wear mini skirts forever and accepting your laugh lines for as long as possible before running to the plastic surgeon. Get out there and run some stadium steps (after you put on your sunscreen) and moisturize like a fiend at night. Drink lots of water. Aspire to be Elisabeth Shue.

Lightenup (#270,230)

@charlsiekate You are defiantly an unattractive girl I'm defense mode making out that the problem is they're so smart and pretty that they're so unsure why all these hundreds of people love them….. Buuullllssshhhiiittttt!!!!!!!! Sorry people gotta here the truth I know such feels over your beauty but get over yourself :')

It feels weird to disagree with Polly because she is obviously a phenomenally gorgeous super genius – but that guy is a loser. If he doesn't have the necessary brain cells to string together the words 'O MY GOLLY YOU ARE THE HOTTEST THING MY EYES HAVE EVER HAD THE PLEASURE OF SEEING' with some degree of believability, then he's not worth holding onto. Seriously, that is one dumb motherfucker. Because our sad little species has only been able to reproduce on the basis of men understanding how to make women happy. And really, even a grade-school boy knows one can get away with all kinds of questionable behavior if one has the good sense to flatter the women before you act out.

However, I will agree that: if you can't hear or accept it when he says 'DEAR GOD YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL IT ALMOST CAUSES ME PAIN TO LOOK DIRECTLY AT YOU', then yes you need to work on your issues. I personally recommend you date a few more appreciative men. It's a wonder what it does for the complexion and figure when a woman is appreciated for her considerable natural charms. In the meantime, have a spa day and wash that man right out of your hair.

paddlepickle (#8,731)

@Sharilyn Neidhardt Much agreement. You don't have to be a super-enlightened feminist to know that telling your girlfriend you wish she was hotter is a dick thing to do.

Sarah Rain@facebook (#236,651)

@Sharilyn Neidhardt More evidence that everyone likes different things I guess! I am enormously turned off by flattery; honesty is more my thing.

Real-ism (#264,910)

@Sarah Rain@facebook Good for you Sarah, seems like most people want their boyfriends to lie to them. Because im sure compliments are so much better than a partner who "believes in you and supports your goals and dreams" Romantic, long-term relationships are about so much more than looks.

@Sarah Rain@facebook And what's wrong with sincere compliments? I kind of call bullshit on females saying they'd rather have honesty. IT'S NOT ONE OR THE OTHER. You CAN expect your man to honestly appreciate your natural attributes. I'm also calling bullshit on commenters who say they'd rather be appreciated for qualities other than physical attributes. Are you very young? I goddamn guarantee that by the time you cruise past age 35, you'll be delighted that men notice you enough to make any comment whatsoever.

Sarah Rain@facebook (#236,651)

@Sharilyn Neidhardt I love sincere compliments! On my appearance in particular! I’m 38 and eat up whatever I get! But your original comment sounds to me like “men should give over-the-top compliments that they don’t really believe because they should know women like that.” Um, he and I both know I’m not the hottest thing he’s ever seen; if he says that, rather than that I’m turning him on or he loves my hair or whatever, that makes me doubt his honesty. If he’ll lie to me about THAT, even if it’s intention is to make me happy, will he lie about other things because he’s decided it’s for my own good? Will he keep saying that even if he’s stopped finding me attractive? You can express appreciation while still keeping it real.

Fecund (#9,734)

@Sharilyn Neidhardt I am not wild about calling women females because I think it contributes to the notion that women are the sum of their parts. Honestly, I know that my partner thinks I am hot enough to fuck me and that is enough. I never wanted to tell her that I am attracted to her personality above all else because that seemed mean. But, one day, she said the same thing about me and I was all, "phew!"

Sometimes, as a lesbian, people say to me, "I imagine you would go for PRETTY women." And, I respond, "what…I…?" I don't care if other people find my partner attractive, I think she is quite beautiful. I think a lot of what this guy is saying is that he is too insecure to date someone whose attractiveness society has not endorsed. That is a feeling I have had at times, and have seen in others. What is inexcusable is that he is making his insecurity his partner's responsibility.

I cared a lot about relative attractiveness when I myself was more insecure and needed a lot of attention. Of course, when I have smugly decided that I am more attractive than someone, and must, therefore, have a more active love or sex life, some demoralizing truth bomb gets dropped on me. Because getting laid and finding love don't always have that much to do with your looks. A lot of the people I know who are super-hot/attractive to others, have really tough love lives because they can fall into relationships so easily. They proceed based on initial attraction, and don't wait to see if their is a stronger connection or red flags. I would sooooo much rather be charming, funny, intelligent, or accomplished than hot. Hot can lead to some cold nights.

Danzig! (#5,318)

@Sharilyn Neidhardt If nothing else the letter seems illustrative of why so many guys can go out and neg and still have active lives of courtship. Or just function out in the world.

PistolPackinMama (#231,054)

@Danzig! truth. "Oh, he's saying this because he hasn't learned it's not polite yet…"

Nope, nope. Could be he's been reading The Pickup Artist and then copy-pasting this stuff into emails all over OKC and somehow that became "actual thing you do" rather than "really, just don't do that."

stinapag (#10,293)

@Sharilyn Neidhardt I really couldn't agree more. I dated a guy I thought was My One True Love who made a couple of bad comments about my weight and never once told me that I was beautiful. (Once he told me that we'd have beautiful children because they were from me, but that's about as close as it got.) His stated reason for breaking up with me was my weight.

Fast forward to the first time I had sex with my now husband, where he said over and over and over again, "I love this body." It was supposedly a one night stand and he had NO idea that this was the perfect thing to say to me. It was honest and of no bullshit. Every now and then I'll catch him staring at me appreciatively. I know that I'm not a supermodel or even a plus sized model. But I also know that my husband thinks that I'm beautiful. And I thought that wasn't important when I was sobbing uncontrollably about my ex, but it IS important for your partner to think that you're hot.

Lightenup (#270,230)

@paddlepickle No you don't have to be a feminist to see that but you also don't have to be a feminist to see that she lists so many things about him and the only one she gives a shit about is the looks! And all he was trying to do was be honest! It's one thing being ugly it's another thing being ugly and thinking you're amazing

davidwatts (#72)

Is it possible to love someone to whom you are not especially physically attracted? And what is a tactful way to deal with that? Maybe saying, on occasion, "oh, I like that girls hair. That would look good on you!" Or, "hey, let's try working out together!" Obviously this guy did not do EXACTLY this, but some boneheaded 20-year-old-man version of it. And I don't think it makes him an idiot or a monster.

ragazza (#241,456)

@davidwatts This wasn't one thing, like "Oh, you'd look good with your hair long!" It was several things. If you have to suggest that many "improvements" to your partner, the problem is yours, not theirs. If you are not physically attracted to someone, you shouldn't be going out with them.

@davidwatts In theory, I'm sure that is possible. But I'd love for you to take a survey of the men that you know and find out how many of them are not physically attracted to their partners (and yet are still sexually engaged with those partners). I'd wager the percentage is remarkably low!

And I don't believe I called the boyfriend in question an idiot or a monster. Pretty sure what I said was "LOSER".

laurel (#4,035)

@davidwatts "Is it possible to love someone to whom you are not especially physically attracted?"

Yes, they're called friends. Good ones don't shit all over their friends' appearances constantly.

paddlepickle (#8,731)

@davidwatts If you want to love someone you're not physically attracted to, it's up to you to love them the way they are. Passive aggressively suggesting they change their hair or get less fat is not better than directly suggesting it.

City_Dater (#2,500)

@davidwatts

Sure, it's possible to love someone to whom you are not physically attracted — like your Mom, or your best friend.

There is no tactful way to tell your partner you wish she was hotter and it isn't a subject anyone should bring up unless he's prepared to hear all about his shortcomings, including, "I wish you were less shallow and watched less porn."

davidwatts (#72)

@davidwatts I am just glad everyone in this thread has a romantic situation that requires no work or compromise.

paddlepickle (#8,731)

@davidwatts Yes, that is exactly what we were saying. Please mansplain this to us some more so I can fully understand why it's OK for my boyfriend to tell me I'm not hot, before I run off to the gym to better please him.

idrathernot (#264,876)

@paddlepickle Thank you for dealing with this like a pro.

Real-ism (#264,910)

@davidwatts loved your input david. i think the problem is people dont realise you can still love someone even if you dont think they are THAT beautiful or hot. You can still love them for everything else they offer. The writer says "He listens to me and is interested in my life. He supports my goals and dreams and always believes in me when other people do not. He is faithful and compassionate." this is so much more important than thinking she is super hot and beautiful.

@davidwatts If your idea of compromise is "I'll fuck you but I'm not attracted to you" then you may have some growing up to do.

mochi (#232,676)

@laurel :SLOW CLAP:

paddlepickle (#8,731)

@Real-ism This doesn't appear to be everyone's best day for understanding subtle distinctions, but I'll give it a shot: None of us are saying that your partner has to constantly shower you with flattery or claim that you are the best and only attractive person they have ever seen. But I don't want anybody touching my body if they aren't enthusiastically attracted to my body. It is possible (and it has happened to me), that people aren't attracted to each other at first but as they fall in love they start to appreciate the other person's unique beauty– but I really cannot imagine a scenario in which you honestly fully, romantically and sexually, love somebody but think they are not attractive. Shit, I even think all of the friends and family that I love are beautiful people. You can't completely dissociate physical and emotional attraction.

themegnapkin (#201,538)

@paddlepickle I really like this comment. It's happened to me too that I've fallen in love with guys that I know objectively aren't all that attractive, but who became the most attractive person in the world to me for the time I was in love. And if someone I don't know well tells me I'm beautiful I'm going to call bullshit, but if it comes from someone who loves me, I'm going to take it as "you're beautiful to me," and that's pretty awesome.

PistolPackinMama (#231,054)

@davidwatts If you really love someone that much, but don't find them attractive, I think it's time to implement "how do I love people" Protocol 1. Treating them with respect and dignity.

To do this, you own up to your lack of attraction. You tell the person you are with "I am sorry I am not feeling it any more" without saying "because you're not attractive to me." You don't owe anyone that anwer and they're not entitled to it.

Then you leave and find someone you are attracted to and also love. You wish your partner well, and hope they find the same.

You're not in love with a home improvement project. You're in love with a full person. Or, as they always say in those advice columns where the person is like "how do I get my partner to stop yelling at me? Or want kids? Or whatever…" You cannot expect things to change. They probably won't. People don't. So instead of trying to figure out where at Home Depot your partner can get body caulk or whatever, ask yourself. "Can I imagine being with this person in 5 years? In ten? What happens if they don't change? Can I live with that?"

If the answer is "no," do everyone the favor and take a hike.

glasstwizzlestix (#242,762)

@paddlepickle, (Re: "You can't completely dissociate physical and emotional attraction.")

I dunno… Personally speaking, that statement is absolutely true of me, but I believe I've stumbled across people for whom it is not? (!) I've had conversations with men who had very strong convictions about the invalidity of that position! It's an interesting premise, and kind of blew my mind to consider it may not be true for everyone, but who knows? Would be interesting to see if any other Awl readers also held the counter-perspective (and would admit to it.)

paddlepickle (#8,731)

@glasstwizzlestix Personally I just can't imagine wanting to be physical with someone I didn't find physically attractive. I don't have a hard-and-fast definition of what I'm attracted to, and I can start off not attracted and become attracted. . .but the idea of not liking the idea of touching someone's body but doing it anyway feels so gross to me, and I would hate to find out that anybody I was physical with felt that way about me. I would end things the second I did.

Severina9 (#264,863)

Polly, I am literally the ugliest woman to ever walk the face of this planet and even I disagree with your advice here. Oh man, he buys the LW stuff and takes out the trash???? Be still my beating heart.

If this guy is going to harp on her physical appearance, she needs to drop him. End of story.

misspiggy (#250,319)

I wonder if this is about young men wanting a woman their friends think is perfect, and being confused when they're attracted to someone who doesn't fit their dudegroup's standards. Think it might have been Dan Savage who pointed this out.

Whatever caused his stonking tactlessness, the LW could perhaps grill him on which of her physical features he likes. If he can't come up with any, and if they don't have smoking hot sex, I think he should be punted back to the street to find someone he is actually attracted to.

If he can honestly tell her what he finds attractive about her, and if he makes it clear that he fancies the pants off her, great. Now they both have to do lots of work on themselves. He has to start being honest but constructive, and he has to learn to accept that it is perfectly OK to find someone sexy and even beautiful, despite them being unremarkable of face or physique. She has to learn to hear the positive things he says and accept them.

It is possible to recover from this type of thing – I initially told my boyfriend he was ugly, but that was OK because I wasn't attracted to handsome men. At the time I thought I was paying him a compliment, and assumed that as a man he would have no sensitivity about his looks. But I was also trying to deal with my awkwardness about being with someone that most of my friends thought was a poor bet, and took the pathetically immature route of taking it out on him.

Not surprisingly, he was less than convinced when I later told him I found him beautiful. Twelve years and a lot of heartfelt compliments later, I think he just about believes me.

A Snood Mood (#1,737)

Dude sounds really young. He needs to grow up and learn that there's something between the two extremes of "here's a list of things that would improve you" to "you are flawless and the hottest person ever!", and if he actually said what he liked about her she might believe him. He had to be attracted to her initially, right? She doesn't talk about how affectionate he is or if their sex life is okay. (although it can't be okay for her if she doesn't even believe she's attracted to her.)

giorgie (#258,178)

COMPARE AND DESPAIR, hokey but helpful advice from a former therapist that has always stuck with me.

delphicbees (#264,872)

UGH. Here's the thing: beauty is extremely subjective, so chances are there is someone (or many someones) out there who will actually find you beautiful. Don't waste your time with someone who doesn't. (I'm short, fat, pug-nosed, and have an awkward short haircut and smallish boobs. My 6'3" blond Adonis of a fiance thinks I'm beautiful, and not only says so but jerks off to pictures of me when I have no problem with him looking at porn. Don't settle!)

mochi (#232,676)

@delphicbees WORD. I agree with Polly on everything else here, but the guy needs to go.

idrathernot (#264,876)

I'm normally a huge fan of Polly's advice, but I can't agree here. This guy is a jerk.

Chloe Lum@facebook (#235,734)

This guy is a giant asshole, there is no way that anyone can insult someones looks and not realize its hurtful.

bejoyfulthough (#264,895)

Polly is right to say, girl, don't grill your boyfriend about how hot – exactly – he thinks you are, how your various and isolated qualities stand up against some impossible ideal. Don't make this a habit. She's right that there's a "you" problem at play here–that you need to build confidence in yourself. But this guy is an asshole, and if his best advertisement as a partner is that he takes the garbage out, you should take your own garbage out and put him on the curb, too.

wordsofprey (#264,896)

I had a boyfriend who told me to lose weight. It was the beginning of a string of ways to erode my self confidence, a thing I never EVER had problems with before. I'm not saying your dude is definitely trying to do that but from my experience it was a gateway drug to an abusive power dynamic…Seeing a shrink is helping me post-jerk (who also wasn't a seeming "bad guy" in the beginning) but I do wish someone would have waved a red flag at me about the potential for what hurtful comments can possibly lead to early on! (Waves Red Flag)

@wordsofprey WORD. I had a partner who told me I should lose weight. I agreed with him, and dropped 40 pounds. He still didn't want to be intimate, because obviously there were other more complicated issues at play. So I threw him out.

semifactual (#264,902)

See the thing is there might be a dude out there who would be perfectly content with you and your current breasts and legs. I'm not "one-percent beautiful" and I've tried some hair trends that my boyfriend didn't care for, but he has never given me any reason to doubt that he thinks I'm hot shit. Neither did the boyfriend before that one or even the boys back in my High School days. I don't think this is a high level social skill . . .

Surly1986 (#264,908)

Polly–can you please start a podcast a la Savage Love? I would like to hear what you have to say about pretty much everything, and I think it would be a great medium for you…..please?

twinkiecowboy (#235,093)

@Surly1986 I would listen to that!

justaguy (#247,321)

I think the standard Dan Savage advice applies here — dump the motherfucker already. Him doing the dishes and buying things for you is not all that special. There are many many guys out there who will do all that and more, who appreciate you for who you are and won't try to shame you for your looks.

That said, I did once have a girlfriend who put on 15 pounds during the time we were dating, through laziness and not any kind of stress/eating disorder/sickness. It was painful for me to be less attracted to her each day, but I was unwilling to say anything about it and hurt her. In the end, she dragged it out of me while we were drunk, and that was one awful fight.

I'm not sure what the point of that last paragraph was, but DTMFA. You can do better.

kate_d (#264,967)

@justaguy I'm actually really curious about the awful fight…care to expand?

rainyday (#264,996)

@justaguy My partner has called me on the carpet for gaining weight. He did in a supportive and loving way. (Hey, let's be healthy for each other so we can live a long time!) It was painful in some ways, but also a really awesome and supportive move.

PistolPackinMama (#231,054)

@justaguy I hope that it was that she DTMFA'd you. Because… ugh.

Never mind. She doesn't owe you motivation to be thin. And unless she really, really REALLY has a healthy sense of self esteem, however bad that 15lb made you feel, trust me it made her feel worse. Because she's the one that lives in a mysoginist society that thinks somehow her 15lb is anyone's business but her own.

You're not responsible for what is attractive to you. Your heartpenis feels what it feels. But you ARE responsible for the fact that your heartpenis's feelings happen to miraculously line up with societies unfair expectations for women and how their bodies should be, and are responsible for what you do with that fact.

Unless you are very lucky, chances are really good that women you date will not be able to fend off the slow gain of weight that comes with aging (and childbirth, illness, a demanding job, or whatever). And unless you stay an adonis for your lifetime, you will also have to accept women will either be applying a very different standard of worthy attraction to you, or expect some payoff for being attracted to a dude putting on weight over time. Such as a nice paycheck. Or a really stupendous personality.

I haven't met very many dudes who are so wonderful that they're wonderful enough to marinate myself in daily misogyny for the rest of my life. And I really like having my bathroom to myself.

PS: You don't actually get a cookie of sympathy for realizing this a fucked up way to feel. Maybe you should just sit with that bad feeling for a while and let it tell you something.

PistolPackinMama (#231,054)

@PistolPackinMama good god. I am annoyed enough I forgot to punctuate.

twinkiecowboy (#235,093)

@PistolPackinMama 15 pounds isn't even that fucking much weight. Who cares?

monstrosity (#246,032)

@PistolPackinMama Heartpenis. That gave me a brainboner.

PistolPackinMama (#231,054)

@monstrosity I'm still getting over the boyfriend who said I would be so much more attractive if I could do statistics.

@twinkiecowboy WORD. My experience of dudes is not only do some of them have *ideas* about acceptable weight and such. Some also often can't estimate/ evaluate weight for shit. 15lb is just barely a clothing size, maybe, depending on the brand. Considering a person can fluctuate 8lb over a menstrual cycle… dude.

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garlicmustardweed (#264,986)

Don't be with anyone who consistently hurts your feelings. It doesn't matter if its about looks, intelligence, or whatever else you are sensitive to. You've told him before that you were hurt by his comments, yet they persisted for a time. That makes him an asshole.

There really is someone out there for everyone. I was attracted to a guy for a while who only wanted to date skinny aryan blonde girls that his fellow dudebros thought were attractive (I am a busty brunette). I got highlights. I lost 10 pounds. He still wasn't into me. And then once he started dating someone (a jewish girl who looked jewish) he told all of his friends how he "knew she wasn't that hot . . .but . . ." Did I want to be with that kind of guy? HELL NO. Dodged bullet. Fast forward 4 years. I am married to a man who I think is the cutest thing in the world and who thinks I am the cutest thing in the world.

twinkiecowboy (#235,093)

This guy is an idiot. I would think that the same culture which told him he deserved the Hottest Possible Version of You would've also taught him that the answer to "Does my ass look fat in this?" is always no. I mean, if he was going to absorb a gross gendered idea about the world, I'd prefer that one. This ding-dong went straight from "here's how changing your appearance can make me happy" to "you're the most prettiest girl in the world," no wonder it feels insincere. God, young men are the worst.

At the same time, you can't be grilling your partner on what he REALLY thinks of your appearance. Come on, now. How is that ever going to turn out well? Would you have ever accepted that he thinks you're attractive and let it go? Your insecurities are about you, not him, and once you work on that, you'll figure out whether this relationship is worth your time.

We all have blind spots in relationships and communication issues and stupid hurtful things we do that we didn't realize were hurtful. You told this guy that he was being a dick and he stopped. I guess I would ask yourself, does he make you feel loved and appreciated in other ways? Is your sex life passionate, even with all of this other nonsense going on? Does he go to stupid family stuff with you? Do your friends love him? Then this might just be a communication issue you can work through. If not, idk.

rainyday (#264,996)

Ew, you have a shitty boyfriend. He's selfish and for some reason wants to feel better than you. Four years in and he thinks you're "okay"????? F*ck that noise. You deserve to be with someone who really cherishes you for who you are. Not someone who says cruel things that he knows will hurt you, just to feed his own ego. You're 24. You're YOUNG. Get the hell out of this relationship, and go find someone worthy of you.

HeatherH (#241,099)

To me, this guy sounded merely clueless. OK, deeply clueless. But he supports and listens to her and appreciates her, and he bent over backwards to fix the problem once she brought it to his attention. Does he feel, very strongly, that she's not hot enough? I don't get that impression. I think she demanded honesty, asked too many questions and now she doesn't know what to do with the information she squeezed out of him. Very typical clumsy young love maneuvers happening on both sides, but tough to tell if there's something stronger pulling them together in spite of all of this fumbling. I gave them both the benefit of the doubt on that front, but I totally agree that, generally speaking, feeling like you need to improve your looks for someone is bullshit.

I had this boyfriend who used to raise his eyebrows whenever I ate cheese. CHEESE. See also: my one true forever lover. DON'T MAKE YOURSELF THE SWORN ENEMY OF CHEESE, MOTHERFUCKER, BECAUSE YOU WILL LOSE THAT BATTLE EVERY TIME.

Myrtle (#9,838)

LW, we commenters are all running the gamut on our replies, but what came through to me from your letter is, you don't believe him anymore. In my relationships, that's Number One.

You'll have less dishes to wash and trash to take out when new guys are taking you out to dinner, and visibly thrilled at having your company. This Dude you were with will tell future women how horrid he was to you when he was young, dumb and full of come, and that you were the one who helped him become a man and he hopes you found someone who will cherish you.

Don't Settle. My FB feed is full of old school friends who did, and it's awful.

marinanca1234 (#265,109)

That guy is definitely selfish. She should look for something better

Jeff Scull@facebook (#265,136)

Have any of you guys considered the possibility that her boyfriend has Asperger's? Think about it – the brutal, naive honesty, combined with all those good qualities she mentioned.

paddlepickle (#8,731)

@Jeff Scull@facebook Actually yeah, that did occur to me– at least, that's the only scenario I can imagine where a guy would be genuinely unaware that those kinds of comments would hurt someone's feelings.

@Jeff Scull@facebook Don't know, don't care. Autism spectrum is not an excuse for being an asshole. Someone who has genuine mental trouble not insulting his girlfriend's boobs can damn well stop having a girlfriend until he gets that inappropriate shit under control.

DO NOT RE-ENTER HUMA N REALM UNTIL INSOLUBLE PROBLEM SOLVED

Okay seriously, I'm sorry, but only one woman ever has made me feel handsome. I have had more comments about my lack of muscles thrown at me than compliments ever. I get comments about my height, and my balding head almost constantly. The one woman who did make me feel handsome was an awful money and sex obsessed monster, who left me because i wasn't okay with the idea of her being a house wife while i payed for a servant to clean our house on my salary as an elementary school teacher. Did I like feeling handsome? Yes, but was she a good girlfriend, NO. If you expect men to compliment you about your looks, compliment them too, because frankly, when the only example of a woman making me feel good about my looks was someone who wanted to live off my money, that is not a real great thing. And by the way, I'm not that bad looking, I can't imagine how it would be if I worse looking than I already am.

LMarieDe'Ath (#272,843)

@Josh Ettinger@facebook "If you expect men to compliment you about your looks, compliment them too".

I agree with this.It should be a two way street,building each other up,as opposed to tearing each other down(or selfish expectations based solely on their own ideal or desired lifestyle).
The right one will make you feel not only handsome but valued for a whole individual,not just physical appearance that changes over time. You'll feel that way because the right person will truly see you that way; as you are.

I think the issue at hand here was that at the very beginning, she should have said, "Well, you're not exactly Ryan Gosling yourself, ass face. If my looks as is aren't good enough for you, there's the door. Otherwise, keep your mouth shut about it." Letting him criticize her for so long and then letting him lie to her for so long is the issue, not her personal perception of her looks. They need to have a conversation about how photoshop is not reality, how love based on physical attraction can't last, how honesty in a relationship should never extend to cruelty, and how the continued national belief that women's bodies are around exclusively to be admired, critiqued, and fucked by men is a crime.
And if she's just dating a guy with a filter problem, then it's not exclusive to this and she deserves what she's got.

Wow. talk about a massive overreaction on the part of "Polly". Funny how this is supposed to highlight a typical "guy" negative trait but instead only serves to highlight every negative female stereotype

Datdamwuf (#242,925)

I really like "Each face and body is uniquely gorgeous and riveting and special, and the healthier and happier you are, the more clearly you can see this." When I try to explain to people how offensive it is to hear them say how gross it is to see an "old" person on a nude beach, it never goes well. Maybe this will help me convey what I mean.

ohher (#265,799)

Around the same age I had a BF that used to always tell me that I had the "potential" to be really cool. I just needed to try harder, know cooler things, dress cooler etc.

Know what happened? I realized he was right and I became so cool that I broke up with him. I continued living the coolest existence ever in my own cool way until I met someone that said, "Hey Girl I like you FOR YOU and YOU are COOL".

That's the difference between young 20's and late 20's. You give less of a shit and actually become hotter/cooler/sexier because of the less shit given.

You're about 24 now right? Stop wasting your time. Go out there and meet someone else. Go out there and meet a few someone elses!

Felix Luis@facebook (#273,571)

I AM BELA i want to give thanks and i will always give thanks to DR.utimate who brought back my love that has left me for 6years within 48hours, i have said about this last week but i promised to always tell people about this every week end so that those that did not read about it last week will read about it this week, i have been looking for how to get this boy back to my life because i love this boy with the whole of my heart, i could not replace him with any body,one day i was watching my television when i saw a lady giving thanks to DR.utimate and telling the world how he helped her i was so shocked i could not believe it because i never taught that there are powers that can bring back lost love, then that was how i decided to contact him too because i do really need my love back,when i contacted him i told him everything and he told me not to worry that my love will surely be back to my arms within 48hours at first i could not believe because i was thinking how could somebody that has gone for 6years come back within 48 hours,so then i decided to watch and see,unbelievable within the next 48hours i got a call from unknown number so i decided to pick the call the next thing i could hear was my loves voice he was pleading and begging me on the phone that i should forgive him that i should forget all that have happened that he did not know what came over him,he promised not to leave for any reason, that he was really sorry for what he did,i was so surprised because i never believed that this could happen,so that was how i accepted his apology and the next morning he came to my house and still pleading for me to forgive him i told him that everything is okay that i have forgiven him, that was how we started again and now we are married, i promised to say this testimony in radio station, commenting this testimony is still okay but before this month runs out i promise to say this in radio station and i will,sir thank you very much.World please am begging you people to try and thank this man for me,or if you need his help here is his email address:utimatespellhome@gmail.com

Felix Luis@facebook (#273,571)

My name is Adams Bella, i live and work in Oxfordshire, UK. My life is back!!! After 2 years of Broken marriage, my husband left me with two kids, I felt like ending it all, i almost committed suicide because he left us with nothing, i was emotionally down all this while. Thanks to a spell caster called Dr. Utimate spell cast which i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I came across several of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified that he restores womb,cure cancer,and other sickness, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and also spell to get a good paid job so on. He is amazing, i also come across one particular testimony, it was about a woman called Vera, she testified about how he brought back her Ex lover in less than 2 days, and at the end of her testimony she dropped his email.After reading all these, I decided to give it a try. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 48hours, my husband came back to me. We resolved our issues, and we are even happier than ever.Dr.Utimate you are a gifted man and i will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man. If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster, Try him anytime, he is the answer to your problems. you can contact him on (utimatespellhome@gmail.com) or call him +2347031362391. he is the best caster that can help you with your problems.

This is my testimony about the good work of a man who helped me..My name is Micheal Trisha, and I base in Canada.My life is back!!! After 2 years of marriage, my husband left me with our three kids. I felt like my life was about to end, and was falling apart. Thanks to a spell caster called Dr Sakpana who i met online. On one faithful day, as I was browsing through the internet, I was searching for a good spell caster that can solve my problems. I came across series of testimonies about this particular spell caster. Some people testified that he brought their Ex lover back, some testified
that he restores womb, some testified that he can cast a spell to stop divorce and so on. There was one particular testimony I saw, it was about a woman called grace,she testified about how Dr Sakpana brought back her Ex lover in less than 72 hours and at the end of her testimony she gave Dr Sakpana e-mail address. After reading all these,I decided to give Dr Sakpana a try. I contacted him with his via email address and explained my problem to him. In just 3 days, my husband came back to me. We solved our issues, and we are even happier than before. Dr Sakpana is really a talented and gifted man and i will not to stop publishing him because he is a wonderful Dr…If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve that problem for you. Try Dr Sakpana today, he might be the answer to your problem. Here's his contact: sakpanaspellhome@hotmail.com Thank you once again Dr Sakpana. Contact him for the following:
(1)If you want your ex back.
(2) if you always have bad dreams.
(3)You want to be promoted in your office.
(4)You want women/men to run after you.
(5)If you want a child.
(6)[You want to be rich.
(7)You want to tie your husband/wife to be yours forever.
(8)If you need financial assistance.
(9)If you want to stop your Divorce
10)Help bringing people out of prison
(11)Marriage Spells
(12)Miracle Spells
(13)Beauty Spells
(14)PROPHECY CHARM
(15)Attraction Spells
(16)Evil Eye Spells
(17)Kissing Spell
(18)Remove Sickness Spells
(19)ELECTION WINNING SPELLS
(20)SUCCESS IN EXAMS SPELLS
(21) Charm to get who to love you.
Contact him today on: sakpanaspellhome@hotmail.com

I just recently had the most amazing experience with a spell caster! Right when I thought that everything was impossible and that there was no hope, boy was I wrong.
All I did was to contact the Great Dr Sakpana to purchase a love spell and a weight loss spell and I got the man of my dreams to fall in love with me while having a nice body! And I'm not gonna lie. This is the happiest moment I've ever been in a long, long time!
You can have anything done, really.

Love #@*%!
Money #@*%!
Lost love #@*%!
Pregnancy #@*%!
Lotto #@*%!
Win court case
Marriage #@*%!
And so much more

It's really worth a try.
An easy way to get in touch with him is through his e-mail address, which is:

sakpanaspellhome@hotmail.com

Trust me. With the help of Great Dr Sakpana, your wish is your reality.
I wish you the best with your case!

Hi my name is Tracy Adams. I just want to share my
experience with the world on
how i got my love back and saved my marriage… I
was married for 4
years with 3 kids and we lived happily until things
started getting
ugly and we had a fights and arguments almost
every time… it got worse
at a point that he filed for divorce… I tried my best to
make him
change his mind & stay with me cause i loved him
with all my heart and
didn't want to loose him, but everything just didn't
work out… he moved
out of the house and still went ahead to file for
divorce… I pleaded
and tried everything but still nothing worked. The
breakthrough came
when someone introduced me to this wonderful
great spell caster Dr
Sakpana who
eventually helped me out… He did
special prayers and cast a love spell on him. Within 7
days, he called
me and was sorry for all the emotional trauma he
had cost me, moved
back to the house and we continue to live happily,
the kids are happy
too and we are expecting our fourth child… I have
introduced him to a
lot of couples with problems across the world and
they have had good
news… Just thought i should share my experience
cause i strongly
believe someone out there needs it… You can e-
mail
him at
Sakpanaspellhome@hotmail.com

If this guy can do a scientific analysis of your physique at all it just proves he is not in love with you. The prism of love makes you lovely to the one who loves you. The sad fact is that if a man doesn't fall in love with you within a very short time of meeting you he never will. Women have a hard time realizing this because a man can be invisible to them or even a pest when they first meet and after watching the man interact with others and getting a feel for the man's character, intelligence, and humor then fall in love maybe a year after meeting. Bottom line – this guy doesn't love you. Cut the cord and find someone who does regardless of how hard it may be to do it.

348825547@twitter (#277,283)

This is the worst response i've seen to a letter. "He adores you and gives you the love you want"' um, not really? he's clearly a shallow dumbass who point blankly stated that "many girls are hotter than you" and is constantly comparing her to other women, battering her self-esteem. You could have just said "you deserve better" (which she does), instead of that long, bs convoluted response where you tell her that yea, her bf is a moron, but "grow up, yo!"

Joan Nie@facebook (#275,045)

I want to use this medium to tell the world about Doctor Jatto who helped me in getting my lover back with his powerful spell, my ex and i where having misunderstanding which led to our breakup though i went to beg her several times to please forgive and accept me back because i know i offended her but each time i went i always feel more deeply in pain and agony because she always walk out on me and would not want to listen to what i have to tell but on i faithful day as i was browsing i came arose a testimony of a woman whose problem was more than mine and yet Doctor Jatto helped her with his spell so i was happy and also contacted Doctor Jatto for help via email and then told him my story but the only thing he said was that i will wipe you tear with my spell so lucky for me everything want well just as he promised and right now i have got my fiance back and we are both living happily. there is nothing Doctor Jatto can not do with is spell and just as promise my self i will keep testifying on the internet of how Doctor Jatto helped me.Are your problem greater that mine or less i give you 100% guarantee that Doctor Jatto will put an end to it with his powerful spell, contact Doctor Jatto for help Via email drjattosplltemple@gmail.com

1. GETTING YOUR EX LOVER BACK.
2. WINNING LOTTERIES.
3. CHILD BEARING.
4. BREAKING OF GENERATION COURSE.
5. GETTING OF JOB.
6. JOB PROMOTION.
7. MONEY SPELL.
8. SPIRITUAL PROTECTION.
9. HERBAL CARE.
10. BEAUTY SPELL.

I want to thank God for using (Druwagbale@gmail.com) as my source of salvation after 2 years of unemployment and my lover left me alone for 2 years, my heart was broken until I met after a Dr.uwagbale in a ladies testimony how she was helped by the same Dr. uwagbale, so i decided to contact him and when I told him all my problems he laughed and said this is not a problem. everything will be fine in three days. Exactly on the third day my ex lover call me and surprised me and what surprised me most was that a company i applies for more than 8 months ago called and said I should return to work as soon as possible.Am very grateful to Dr. uwagbale, if you wish to contact him, his email is (druwagbale@gmail.com) it makes the spell as follows (1) If you want your ex back. (2) you need a divorce in your relationship (3) Want to be promoted in his office. (4) you want men and women run after you. (5) If you want a child. (6) Do you want to be rich. (7) You want to tie your husband and wife to be yours forever. (8) If you need financial assistance. (9)
Herbal Care Contact him today (druwagbale@gmail.com) Be Useful judge sin emphasize Today

After I and my lover spent about 4 years together, my boyfriend told me that we can not be together. and already We were making ready ourselves to get married this year and I was very happy and absolutely ready to marry him. this breakup started when he went a little far from the city where I live, a year before. He found a good job out there. And he promised me to come back in one or two years. In the mean time, I found a job around his place (we take it as a good opportunity for us to start living together) but the company I worked for resist to leave me since I am a responsible person in the company. They offered me a very nice salary increment with huge responsibility of work. Then I told to my boyfriend I preferred to stay where I live and work, since, he has not a plan to live there forever. He was very upset at the moment… and ignored me totally. I tried to contact him but I can’t. Following so much effort he sends me a message saying "our relationship is over". I never expected such a thing to happen, so I got sick. Even after so much begging he allow me to see him, but told me the same thing that it is over. I asked him the real reason. He said, you never listened to me, you never gave me credit, and you disrespected me…..and so on. I never noticed such a thing in our relationship before, so I got shocked and couldn’t say a word in front of him. For me our relationship was perfect. And I really love him. I want to be with him. I send so many letters saying I’m sorry, I tried to contact him but there is no reply. I did everything to attract him and live with him forever but nothing was going through. so I needed a help on how to get my lover back. I had the feelling that he still loves me, though he did not say a word. I needed help seriously. I thought it will never possible to get him back and be the happy couple again? so when I read testimonies about {DR.UNOKOSPELLSHRINE100@GMAIL.COM} I contacted him and he told me that my case is a simple one to solve, so after his consultation and casting of his spell my boyfriend emailed me telling me he was sorry for all that he did to me, that he is ready to marry me now, I was shocked, I never believed that Great Dr Unoko could make such thing to happen with his spell, today I am getting married to my boyfriend, and I will never forget this spell caster I will always talk about him anywhere I go Via number +2348103508204
Angelina Hocombe.

After I and my lover spent about 4 years together, my boyfriend told me that we can not be together. and already We were making ready ourselves to get married this year and I was very happy and absolutely ready to marry him. this breakup started when he went a little far from the city where I live, a year before. He found a good job out there. And he promised me to come back in one or two years. In the mean time, I found a job around his place (we take it as a good opportunity for us to start living together) but the company I worked for resist to leave me since I am a responsible person in the company. They offered me a very nice salary increment with huge responsibility of work. Then I told to my boyfriend I preferred to stay where I live and work, since, he has not a plan to live there forever. He was very upset at the moment… and ignored me totally. I tried to contact him but I can’t. Following so much effort he sends me a message saying "our relationship is over". I never expected such a thing to happen, so I got sick. Even after so much begging he allow me to see him, but told me the same thing that it is over. I asked him the real reason. He said, you never listened to me, you never gave me credit, and you disrespected me…..and so on. I never noticed such a thing in our relationship before, so I got shocked and couldn’t say a word in front of him. For me our relationship was perfect. And I really love him. I want to be with him. I send so many letters saying I’m sorry, I tried to contact him but there is no reply. I did everything to attract him and live with him forever but nothing was going through. so I needed a help on how to get my lover back. I had the feelling that he still loves me, though he did not say a word. I needed help seriously. I thought it will never possible to get him back and be the happy couple again? so when I read testimonies about {DR.UNOKOSPELLSHRINE100@GMAIL.COM} I contacted him and he told me that my case is a simple one to solve, so after his consultation and casting of his spell my boyfriend emailed me telling me he was sorry for all that he did to me, that he is ready to marry me now, I was shocked, I never believed that Great Dr Unoko could make such thing to happen with his spell, today I am getting married to my boyfriend, and I will never forget this spell caster I will always talk about him anywhere I go Via number +2348103508204
Angelina Hocombe.

Nancy John@facebook (#268,887)

I have just found the right one and the greatest spell caster on earth who has brought back my happiness and turned my world around by helping me get my ex partner and helped me get back my life cause i was totally frustrated after 6years of hardship and pain, a friend of mine buzz me on my email saying i should cheer up cause solution has come. At first i was like what are you saying, then she mentioned the name ‘EBOEHI’ and i must thank my savior Great DR EBOEHI who has play a very vital part of my life making me a great person and the most happiest person today you are a great man who is bless by powers with traditional healing spell caster, after Great DR EBOEHI has help me get my ex back he also help me recover what i have lost in past years i must thank him (Great DR EBOEHI) the life he has restored back for me and my happiness. Now i am doing well in my work and also with my partner, Great DR EBOEHI is a very great spell caster you need to know just meet him and with your problem and it will be over.. Email him via: (supernaturalspelltemple@gmail.com)

Nancy John@facebook (#268,887)

I have just found the right one and the greatest spell caster on earth who has brought back my happiness and turned my world around by helping me get my ex partner and helped me get back my life cause i was totally frustrated after 6years of hardship and pain, a friend of mine buzz me on my email saying i should cheer up cause solution has come. At first i was like what are you saying, then she mentioned the name ‘EBOEHI’ and i must thank my savior Great DR EBOEHI who has play a very vital part of my life making me a great person and the most happiest person today you are a great man who is bless by powers with traditional healing spell caster, after Great DR EBOEHI has help me get my ex back he also help me recover what i have lost in past years i must thank him (Great DR EBOEHI) the life he has restored back for me and my happiness. Now i am doing well in my work and also with my partner, Great DR EBOEHI is a very great spell caster you need to know just meet him and with your problem and it will be over.. Email him via: (supernaturalspelltemple@gmail.com)

I want to give a special thanks to Dr KPELEDE that helped me got my partner back. my name is mcqueen steven, early this year, i and my wife started having some issues and she left me and the kids even when i loved her so much. I was fustrated to the extent that i started looking for links on the internet on how to get her back. One day i came accross a testimony in which a lady was testifying of how this Dr KPELEDE helped her got her man back i was able to contact this Dr KPELEDE and helped me put everything in order and my wife came back to me just as i wanted. this Dr KPELEDE is great if you know you have any problem here is his email address kpeledesolutiontemple@gmail.com

My name is Handford Ann,i base in canada.i want to share my wonderful testimony on how i got back my ex-lover of my life back, who i sworn to be with until when he left me to another woman for no reason and i try to make things work for both of us yet things where getting worse and i love him so much and there is nothing i could do to get my ex back until i met a testimony share by Maria from USA on the internet talking about a powerful spell caster who brought his ex lover back within 48hours and i decide to give it a try and to my greatest surprise he also did it for me just as he did for Maria and i have a lot of people complaining of fake spell caster but this one i met was a real spell caster who help me to solve my problem i have no solution to,i introduce many of my best friends that have a similar problems,and their problem were solve with the great help of dr.Trust.they get back their ex within 48 hours.i am so happy that my ex is back to me again,and the most surprise,is that our love is very strong,every day is happiness and joy. and there is nothing like been with the man you love.i am so happy my love is back to me with the help of Dr.Trust.if you have similar problem i will advice you to contact him ,he is there to help you and put a smile on your face ask he did to me and others.contact email(ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com call +2348156885231) what will i have done if not the great help of dr.trust. Thanks Handford Ann from canada.

My name is Handford Ann,i base in canada.i want to share my wonderful testimony on how i got back my ex-lover of my life back, who i sworn to be with until when he left me to another woman for no reason and i try to make things work for both of us yet things where getting worse and i love him so much and there is nothing i could do to get my ex back until i met a testimony share by Maria from USA on the internet talking about a powerful spell caster who brought his ex lover back within 48hours and i decide to give it a try and to my greatest surprise he also did it for me just as he did for Maria and i have a lot of people complaining of fake spell caster but this one i met was a real spell caster who help me to solve my problem i have no solution to,i introduce many of my best friends that have a similar problems,and their problem were solve with the great help of dr.Trust.they get back their ex within 48 hours.i am so happy that my ex is back to me again,and the most surprise,is that our love is very strong,every day is happiness and joy. and there is nothing like been with the man you love.i am so happy my love is back to me with the help of Dr.Trust.if you have similar problem i will advice you to contact him ,he is there to help you and put a smile on your face ask he did to me and others.contact email(ultimatespellcast@gmail.com or ultimatespellcast@yahoo.com call +2348156885231) what will i have done if not the great help of dr.trust. Thanks Handford Ann from canada.

I am Ramsay Hill from Nevada City, California (USA) I wish to testify to the public about Dr. Agwagwa , I want to thank Dr. Agwagwa for his kindness upon my life and family, he resorted my lost joy, I never knew that there is still a sincere and trustworthy spell caster like this on the internet and on earth… I broke up with my wife a few months back, in what was a whirlwind of an altercation, and was destroyed, I won't even bother lying about it. Night after night, I racked my brain for a way to get her back. She was not returning calls, emails, or texts and our mutual friend has said she wanted nothing to do with me. I was in rough shape. Having grown up in an extremely religious household, I decided to look into the spirit world for advice. I found testimonies online about a spell casters, and reviews on the love spells, as well as the information’s of the casters. I hired a man by the name of Dr. Agwagwa, and asked him to cast the most effective love spell that he can cast. He agreed, and we started the love spell work. Being skeptical at first, Dr. Agwagwa assured me that he had cast this very same love spell many times and it was simply a matter of waiting for the love spell to gain strength and my ex would return. On the 3rd day, she text me out of the blue wanting to talk. I was more than excited, as I was starting to believe the love spell was taking hold, I called Dr. Elijah and asked what I should do to proceed. He gave me instructions on what to say, and I followed his advice. Long story short, we were back together almost instantly, and I found myself pleasantly surprised at the effectiveness of the love spell. Looking back overall ordeal, been reunited with the woman of my dreams is hard to put in words, but I am more than happy to try to pass my message to those that are in similar situations, my kindly advise is that you should seek spiritual help because this world more spiritual then physical. If you need help I will recommend Dr. Agwagwa, you can email him for help and cancelling. Thanks again Dr. Agwagwa and good speed with your other clients your love spells have changed my life, and I am and always will be a loyal, grateful customer. Interested persons should contact the contact via his contact email: agwagwa@live.com Thanks and Best Regards! Ramsay Hill From Nevada City, California (USA) 

I am Ramsay Hill from Nevada City, California (USA) I wish to testify to the public about Dr. Agwagwa , I want to thank Dr. Agwagwa for his kindness upon my life and family, he resorted my lost joy, I never knew that there is still a sincere and trustworthy spell caster like this on the internet and on earth… I broke up with my wife a few months back, in what was a whirlwind of an altercation, and was destroyed, I won't even bother lying about it. Night after night, I racked my brain for a way to get her back. She was not returning calls, emails, or texts and our mutual friend has said she wanted nothing to do with me. I was in rough shape. Having grown up in an extremely religious household, I decided to look into the spirit world for advice. I found testimonies online about a spell casters, and reviews on the love spells, as well as the information’s of the casters. I hired a man by the name of Dr. Agwagwa, and asked him to cast the most effective love spell that he can cast. He agreed, and we started the love spell work. Being skeptical at first, Dr. Agwagwa assured me that he had cast this very same love spell many times and it was simply a matter of waiting for the love spell to gain strength and my ex would return. On the 3rd day, she text me out of the blue wanting to talk. I was more than excited, as I was starting to believe the love spell was taking hold, I called Dr. Elijah and asked what I should do to proceed. He gave me instructions on what to say, and I followed his advice. Long story short, we were back together almost instantly, and I found myself pleasantly surprised at the effectiveness of the love spell. Looking back overall ordeal, been reunited with the woman of my dreams is hard to put in words, but I am more than happy to try to pass my message to those that are in similar situations, my kindly advise is that you should seek spiritual help because this world more spiritual then physical. If you need help I will recommend Dr. Agwagwa, you can email him for help and cancelling. Thanks again Dr. Agwagwa and good speed with your other clients your love spells have changed my life, and I am and always will be a loyal, grateful customer. Interested persons should contact the contact via his contact email: agwagwa@live.com Thanks and Best Regards! Ramsay Hill From Nevada City, California (USA) 

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