"It is sometimes hard to know what to say to a friend in need. But whatever words you choose, stay clear of ‘get a grip’ or ‘pull yourself together’. They have been voted the most annoying phrases to use to comfort someone."
Barbara? It's me. Look, I heard what happened. Jesus. Oh Barbara, I don't even know what to say. How are you holding up? What am I talking about, holding up, don't even answer that. You must be an absolute mess. I can't believe you even answered the phone. I'd say get a grip, pull yourself together, but we both know that's not happening, not now, not after this. You know how some people say, "Don't worry, one day we'll laugh about this?" Well, don't believe it. Only a sick, twisted, disgusting animal would laugh about something like this. Trust me. This one's going to hurt forever. Remember Danielle? After Tommy died she got Shingles and she was never the same. Is Eddie there? Tim? What about Frankie? Jesus, you're alone?! Oh my god, you're alone. Totally alone. I'm sorry, but those kids of yours are real pieces of shit. Leaving you alone. At a time like this! My Martin would never leave me alone. Not after something like this. Please, please, whatever you do, stay out of the kitchen. No knives. No knives, Barbara. I mean it. Unbelievable. At least you have the cat, what's-its-name, Dumpy, Lumpy. Oh my god, when did Lumpy die? Jesus, Mary and Joseph, when it rains it pours. Do you have a gun? Well don't worry, I'll ask Martin to bring you one this afternoon. What?! Oh Barbara, no. Not for you, for prowlers. The gun's for prowlers, Barbara. You're alone, for god's sake! Just stay put and wait for Martin. And stop answering the phone. Nothing anyone says is going to make this better.
Everything happens for a reason.
You'll always find another way to fuck it up.
"Here – I got you this Maroon 5 CD."
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