Tuesday, November 26th, 2013

Ask Polly: If I Dump My Needy Girlfriend, I'm Afraid I'll Ruin Her Life!

Dear Polly,

Sometimes when I'm feeling unaccomplished I like to seek out some new, insightful, unbiased, life's great mystery deciphering blog or news and culture magazine or twitter account and somehow this morning I wound up at The Awl reading your column. I love it. Your hyper-honest, humorous, practical approach was entertaining and, dare I say, educational.

Here's my shit:

I am a 27-year-old male, which is probably not your target demographic, but third wave feminism says embrace the contradictions of life so fuck it, right? I graduated from college sometime in the fuzzy prehistory of my adult life and prior to moving to a new city and finding a great job I met a beautiful, charming, intelligent young woman who everyone loves, myself included. We dated as I packed up my life and saved a few grand to make the transition from my boozy college town to a city where I didn't have pill-head drinking buddies and pot dealers on speed dial.

By the time I finally moved we had grown around each other like two house plants sharing the same window. There were ups and downs like any relationship. I'm a little narcissistic, manic-depressive and stubborn. She's a little jealous, reactionary and clingy. But overall we had a good thing going and we decided that when she finished school (I'm a few years older) she would join me in said new city. I knuckled though some lean (read "broke") months on my own and then she arrived—ensue happy urban life.

It's almost 3 years later and I have been thinking about breaking up semi-constantly for the better part of a year. Adulthood, from a functional standpoint, has been pretty easy. My job turned out to be really stable and lucrative enough for us to pay the bills and rent an adorable little house in a nice neighborhood. I taught her about healthy credit card use. She taught me about working together as a couple to achieve our goals. When she didn't find a rewarding job in her field we decided to put her back in school on a great career path. Hurrah for great long term decision making!

Here's my issue as far as I can figure it out. When I first moved down here I was all about embracing a new, fun, cultured lifestyle. I made some friends, at and outside of work, went to lots of independent movies at the art house theatre, spent time reading Cheever short stories in hip cafés and felt well on my way. When she arrived she had some difficulty making friends. I was sympathetic and supported her through several job changes, encouraged her to take classes where she might meet like-minded people, etc. Meanwhile she hated the friends I had made. She felt threatened by the women I worked with, developing a jealous streak I hadn't yet witnessed. We worked through it. I stopped hanging out with the guys and gals she disliked. Assured her that she was more important to me than any of them. Made new friends. She disliked them. Much of this was centered around her feeling threatened by women in these various social groups. Women with husbands. Women with boyfriends. Single women. Women who fawned over me. Women who had no discernible interest in me. Women to whom I may as well have been the sticky spot the bar back forgot to wipe off your table. She moved her way through them like someone trying on shoes. I love her and we continued to work through it, but for about a year now I have been watching myself turn away from the active lifestyle I craved to a more sedentary, domestic, melancholy bent.

And it isn't as if I have watched her blossom and bubble with happiness. She has found some friends (of both genders) and seems to lead a confident, empowered lifestyle around them. I encourage her to feed off of this, to flirt back with the boys in her classes and spend time with the girls she seems to enjoy. But around me she has become quite negative and seemingly insecure. She complains about school, about the jobs she occasionally works. She constantly worries about her weight, which I understand isn't novel or odd. But it's one of those dammed if you do/if you don't subjects where my attempts to only buy healthy food are met with initial enthusiasm, followed by cutesy antagonism and eventually disdain and combativeness. We have wildly different schedules and needs. I can't remember the last time we both wanted to do the same thing. Her idea of a good time is going out to eat for Mexican or TGI Fridays which I find unnecessarily expensive and dull. We attempted to retreat into our tried and true college-learned alcoholism but while we each can go out for drinks and have a good time independently, she has become a bitter, paranoid, even hurtful drunk who claims to remember nothing the next day and sweetly apologizes for it.

Even at home as we attempt to spend "quality time" together, she will suggest watching a movie and within 15 minutes out comes the Facebook or fashion site. Don't get me wrong, I have nothing against these things in themselves. Christ, I spent half the morning reading The Awl and trying to guess whether someone was a Wes Anderson movie character or a Jewish mobster. But these gestures are half-assed and she will wind up complaining to me about it as if I was the one who brought the laptop to "quality time."

Now is the part where I try to take some responsibility.

1. I'm a flirt and I like meeting new people. Some (all?) of her jealousy no doubt stems from this. But my attempts to be sensitive to this have backfired. We recently went out for Halloween and she got mad at me for not being the charming, gregarious man she used to know. The same charming, gregarious man who would send her into a drunken rage when he met a spunky trio at the dartboards, one of whom was a woman. I have watched myself become nervous and reserved. And the next morning following our Halloween night out, all she wanted to talk about was some girl she claimed was "so into me" even though we hardly spoke. I'm no saint. I enjoy the attention of a new acquaintance, regardless of gender. I am probably not the most attentive companion in public. I don't like PDA or hand-holding, but have no problem with periodic pecks or the occasional territory marking hug. But I've never cheated. I've never taken or given a phone number. I respect physical boundaries and do not touch or invite the touch of strange women.

2. Being boring is my fault, not hers. I can do whatever I want with my free time. If I want to go out with buddies I can. If I want to read novels in cafés I can. If I want to take yoga classes I can. If I want to learn to play the god-dammed concertina I can. But I always thought relationships were supposed to be platforms to help you become who you wanted, not reasons to hunker down and avoid upsetting your other in the hopes of a better time down the road.

3. Most men (I think) would have cut and run a long time ago. Call me old-fashioned, I always want to give it my all, work through problems, never say die. But I also don't have a lot of people I can go to for advice and I am wondering whether I'm being naive or unrealistic. Our lives have become so intertwined that I fear cutting ties for the miserable time it would cause her. I fear she would drop out of school or panic and move home to an unhappy life. This isn't to say she isn't capable and resilient. But she does not value self-sufficiency like I do and has grown extremely dependent on me. I cringe to think of the money and time she would throw away if I were to give up on us. I care deeply about her and want her to make good decisions and be happy. But at what point is me worrying about her happiness killing my own.

4. We have communicated about many of these things. Nothing has really changed and I have, in many ways, stopped talking about the problems to allow her peace of mind to focus on school. That sounds like a terrible idea but I don't know what else to do. She suffers emotionally from our problems in ways that I cannot even begin to empathize with. If I'm not ready to cut the cord, I feel like dragging her through my twenty-something existential issues is cruel.

This is way too long and probably unpublishable but you seemed so insightful in a funky postmodern way when I read your responses that I felt I had to reach out. Thanks for any consideration.

Domestic, Sendentary, Melancholy

Dear DSM (Haw!),

Your girlfriend sounds exactly as lame as I was for about a decade of my life, and for that reason I would strongly encourage you to break up with her.

I didn't understand this back when I was the one wilting around the house, acting jealous and flinty and occasionally drinking too much, but when a relationship makes you clingy and weepy and angry and weird, and you can't tolerate other women around your guy and you put a ton of time and energy into analyzing all of the women who are out there LITERALLY THROWING THEMSELVES at him, then the world is sending you a great big message. The world is telling you, "YOU ARE NOT READY FOR A SERIOUS RELATIONSHIP. You need to grow up and learn more about the wide world out there, and you're not going to do those things as long as you're clinging to this dude."

It's funny, though, because I do think you're making a few understandable but somewhat condescending assumptions about your girlfriend. When you write, for example, "[S]he does not value self-sufficiency like I do and has grown extremely dependent on me." I don't doubt that she's dependent on you at this point. But I wouldn't assume that she doesn't value self-sufficiency. I would bet that she values it very much, and really hates that she finds herself turning you away from potential friends and pulling you into a melancholy cocoon of two. She probably doesn't think this state of affairs is ideal any more than you do, no matter what she happens to be saying about it right now.

We can't really make any assumptions about the kind of person she'll become 5 or 10 years, because she's in a very particular kind of tortured state at the moment: She doesn't feel secure with your love for her. Maybe she'd be insecure with anyone in the world, because she's not grown up enough to be in a relationship yet, or maybe you two have different ideas about the world and different tastes in people and it's tough for her to feel that you truly love her and appreciate her enough. The interesting thing about jealousy is that, many times, it grows out of ambivalence. If you think your boyfriend isn't really, truly your type, and isn't capable of appreciating the good things about you, then you're (somewhat perversely) more likely to cling, and to assume that other women—particularly those who are different from you—might present a real threat to your relationship.

It was often easy for me to imagine someone better for my various boyfriends than me. One of my exes clearly wanted someone who looked down on him intellectually. Another ex obviously would've preferred someone dumber and bustier who wore bright red lipstick around the clock. (Poor guy really suffered under my moody, bony, unshowered reign.) And then there was the guy who was perfectly suited for an earth mother—sweet, easy-going and super-awesome (as opposed to bossy, wound up, and obsessed with life's little indignities, like me).

It's bizarre how I knew that these guys should be with other girls, but I still didn't want to give up on "us." I kept rooting us on, like a crazy person cheering for a pair of filthy, mismatched socks. And even as I remained stubbornly fixated on making things "work" for us, I became less and less self-sufficient. I was working hard for something that didn't even make sense, and dedicating all of my time to someone who didn't even see the point in me—the needlessly complicated analyses, the sharp elbows, the incessant whining about the intolerable fuckedness of most people and the wild injustice of living in a neighborhood with NO FUCKING BAGELS AND NO INDIAN FOOD AND JUST ONE THAI DELIVERY PLACE WE ORDER FROM EVERY GODDAMN NIGHT ALREADY.

I wasn't exactly living my best life with these guys, is all. Your girlfriend isn't living her best life with you, either. You sound reasonably smart and charming and are apparently attractive to the opposite sex. It may be that she's worried that she'll never do any better than you. Or maybe she's just walked down this long tunnel into codependency, and you walked there with her, and put up with her shit along the way, and now she doesn't know how to back up and rethink the whole thing. She's invested in you, that's all. She wants to MAKE IT WORK.

It'll be work, alright. You'll share a life of endless drudgery.

But I would not take her current state of jealous, depressed weirdness as a sign that she's about to fall apart over you, and screw her whole life over in the process. Not-quite-good-enough relationships between mismatched socks sometimes becomes obsessive BECAUSE it's not a good match. Your hesitation and doubt may have kept her thinking that she's into you, but that doesn't mean she REALLY is. It may be that she hates all of your new friends because she doesn't really dig you or your taste in people or anything about you as much as she feels she should.

Even as I wept piteously over my first live-in boyfriend, I knew he was wrong for me. And I still remember when he dropped me off at my brand new apartment in the wake of our break up. He looked at me with eyes full of pity and said, "I'm really worried that I've ruined your whole life." Even though I'd been crying, this made me laugh out loud. "MY WHOLE LIFE?" I said. "YOU THINK YOU JUST RUINED MY ENTIRE LIFE?! You think I'm never going to recover FROM THIS?! I'm 22 years old, dude. I'm pretty sure things are going to work out for me just fine." He looked at me with disbelief. "Really?" he asked. I wanted to punch him in the face. It was much easier to say goodbye and shut the door after that.

I was shocked, though, because I realized that he thought that my emotional response indicated that I couldn't stand on my own two feet without him. Yes, I was lame, and I was depressed, and I wasn't ready to deal with the real world yet. I wanted to hide. The real world, real jobs, looked scary and terrible to me. I just wanted to eat ice cream in bed.

But even in my depressed state, I knew I was avoiding something with him. I knew I was trying not to face my life alone. I never for a second thought that I'd never meet anyone else or that I'd sink into an alcoholic haze or lose all of my friends or whatever.

I just didn't know what the world had to offer yet. I didn't know who my lifelong friends would be yet, and didn't have any idea that the world was full of amazing books and incredible music and people who were weird in the same ways as me. I thought that the world was made up of terrible jobs downtown with asshole bosses, and bad bars filled with frat boys, and the alternative was fractionally less awful dudes with plastic Ovation guitars who listened to the same five Dead songs over and over and over again.

I think your girlfriend is hiding from the world, that's all. You're not helping her by staying with her. You're not her savior. You won't ruin her life. Even if she does move back home, she'll get back on her feet and go out into the world again eventually. A lot of clingy young women can be wildly melodramatic about break-ups, so melodramatic that you can't imagine that they'll survive for a second without you. They're just afraid of being alone.

The fact is, you're not THAT important, even if she says that she wants you and only you. And you are, for sure, a little bit of a narcissist. That's ok. You seem smart and loyal and I'm sure you'll have lots of great women chasing you around. Fly and be free, pretty bird. Don't take responsibility for your girlfriend's life, because she'll be fine. Don't show her this column as proof that you're blameless and she'll be fine, either. Just be kind about it.

And one other thing? I know your girl was mixed up, but don't ever, ever help anyone with a diet. I know, you were just stocking up on healthy food; you were just trying to help. Trust me: Just. Don't. Someone buys me diet food, or tut-tuts when I reach for the cheese? I EAT ALL OF THE CHEESE. I had two kids and got a little round, and thanks to the fact that my husband didn't make a single fucking peep about my roundness and my vacuuming up the Queso and the chocolate willy nilly for a few years, I independently decided that the roundness was getting old. If he had made it clear that roundness wasn't his thing, I would've turned into Voldemort on the spot. An enormous Queso-vacuuming Voldemort, conflicted and guilty and resentful and rounder and hungrier than ever.

So let the ladies decide about how to manage their bodies on their own. If you no like, move on, but shut the fuck up about it.

Honestly, it does sound like you have a tendency to "help" in ways that are a little controlling. If you really do value self-sufficiency, I'd strongly recommend that you not move in with anyone or pay for their schooling or support them until they've demonstrated that they're grown-ups and can develop passions and interests and friends of their own—and keep them. Sometimes propping your partner up too much, and getting all up in her business too much, and playing supportive, encouraging, boundary-less boyfriend too much just makes a girlfriend feel weaker and less capable than she actually is. You have to give your partner space to make her own decisions. Don't urge her to pursue a career with the same enthusiasm that you've pursued a career, or to flirt with the boys with the same enthusiasm with which way you flirt with the girls. When you need your partner to match you perfectly, and to substantiate all of your habits, good and bad, by mirroring them back to you? That just proves that YOU'RE not grown-up enough to have a mature, healthy relationship, either.

I'm not saying you're not a great guy. Just watch out for those tendencies moving forward, and I think the world will reward you with some grade-A independent-style, grown-up types of women. If that's really what you want.

Um. IS that what you want, really? Because if you're secretly into girls who need you more than anyone else in the whole wide world, who are more than willing to form themselves in your image, I think you'll find yourself up a similar shit creek absent a paddle much sooner than you realize.

Good luck out there, Tiger!


Do you seek out unsustainable living arrangements with disposable lovers? Write to Polly and discuss!

Heather Havrilesky (aka Polly Esther) is The Awl's existential advice columnist. She's also a regular contributor to The New York Times Magazine, and is the author of the memoir Disaster Preparedness (Riverhead 2011). She blogs here about scratchy pants, personality disorders, and aged cheeses. Still from "Superman's Girlfriend, Lois Lane" #106 by Joel Kramer.

35 Comments / Post A Comment

themnemosyne (#241,230)

"Honestly, it does sound like you have a tendency to "help" in ways that are a little controlling…When you need your partner to match you perfectly, and to substantiate all of your habits, good and bad, by mirroring them back to you?"

LW, are you my previous boyfriend? Jesus. I heard so many variations on the song "You're not doing everything in your life exactly as I would have done it, and ignoring the plans I have carefully laid out for you to follow to the letter! You're a failure! There's something deeply and terribly wrong with you!" Yipes, I could have used this column like three or four years ago.

Futuredays (#253,353)

DSM— I feel I could've been the author of nearly the same letter 3-4 years ago. The advice to end this relationship is spot on. Your future ex-partner may or may not be fine afterwards. I hope she truly is someone who just needs to be on her own to find her own thing. From your letter her version of adulthood doesn't really sound like it's in such a bad place at the present except for the part where you're deeply unhappy with her and she with you. I suspect you'll find that when she's gone you'll discover as I did that the narcissism and feeling of lack of control (and it really is about control and security, generally) in your life won't get any better without her. It could be that what you'll find is that the feelings about her that have frustrated you, and it does seem like a miserable situation, will now reveal themselves as free-floating aspects of your basic condition at this time in life. In my case I had to do some serious work on a problem that began early in life with my mother inappropriately using me as an emotional support. Emotionally, people in my life lived all over me. I in turn have done the same and have been attracted to the same. Finishing with her while necessary won't solve your existential problem, whatever its specifics, but it's time to get on with meeting the challenge of your life head-on without the distraction of another fully capable person's own problems to distract you and give you meaning.

KarenUhOh (#19)

Jesus. I've been in marriages that didn't last as long as this self-absorbed letter.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

@KarenUhOh We were only common law, thankyouverymuch

I so wanted to hate this LW but actually he seems like a fairly normal person. I have made SO MANY of the same assumptions in my relationships. But the world will not end and your GF will not deflate absolutely if you make a change. You can value her independence by actually instantiating it. Years from now, she may thank you. Maybe not personally, but in the comments section of an online advice column. Or something.

RDM (#222,169)

@Subway Suicide@twitter Why did you want to hate them?

@RDM Mainly due to the obvious, overweening narcissism.

paddlepickle (#8,731)

@Subway Suicide@twitter This has to be a terrible sign about my opinion of men right now, but I was just kind of impressed to see a man putting this much thought into his relationship.

jfruh (#713)

Just chiming in here to agree with Polly, because this letter did really speak to my history. My girlfriend my junior and senior year of college was unmedicated bipolar who had been hospitalized in high school; as is often the case with dating bipolars, when she was up it was amazing and fun and when she was down (which was a larger and larger portion of the time as our relationship wore on) she didn't want to do anything but stay home and didn't want to spend time with anybody but me, and I if I wanted to leave the apartment or hang out with anyone else it was basically the worst thing I could do to her. I wanted to end things after about a year but was terrified that dumping her would cause her to go completely off the rails. So I handled it terribly: I got into a grad school on the other coast, we had a short "well I guess it's going to be done when I graduate" conversation (she was a couple years behind me), then continued living in denial/couplehood for the next six months and I studiously deflected any hints she might drop about moving out to California with me (going so far as to sign up for a shitty university-owned graduate apartment specifically because I was forbidden in the lease from having anyone live with me).

And you know what happened after I snuck out of town? She got her shit together, got on good meds, changed her majors and got on an entirely new career path to which she's better suited, met somebody new and eventually married and had kids. She was fine. Meanwhile, I spent the next 2-3 years failing at academia, romance, social life, and adulthood, all things that I had been very certain that I was going to be great at once I no longer had this troubled girlfriend and co-dependent relationship "holding me back." She said to me, when she wrote me to tell me she was seeing someone, that she had always known that she'd get into a new relationship before I did. It turned out, really, that it wasn't about me, or mostly wasn't about me; she was just in a really shitty place and I was the one she was dating at the time. I don't want to go so far as to say that me dumping her was the catalyst she needed to get her life in order, because that too probably would be giving me too much credit. Who knows, maybe things would've gotten better for her if we had stayed together. But my dumping her was certainly not the terrible hammer blow that I narcissistically assumed it would be.

Hayley (#252,004)

Letter Writer, she will be fine.

Please be honest and forthright when you break up with her. Tell her the truth about how neither of you is truly getting anything out of the relationship at this point. I am fairly sure she feels the same way too somewhere inside of her brain.

Anarcissie (#3,748)

So, I guess there are zero cases where the dumpee does not bounce back, vastly improved by the experience. That's good to hear and I'm sure a lot of people want to hear it, but it may not correspond with reality.

EM (#244,697)

@Anarcissie I didn't get that out of this advice– but I think most 20-somethings don't have their lives "ruined" by the ending of what sounds like a pretty unhappy relationship. And even if she's devastated for awhile, it's hard to imagine that a better outcome would be staying with this guy who has one foot out the door already.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

@Anarcissie You are right, this needs to be said: whether the dumpee will bounce back or not shouldn't be taken into consideration. We are not talking about a child.

Anarcissie (#3,748)

@EM — I was moved not only by the advice but the general tenor of the conversation and other things I read, too. Dumping seems to have become the preferred method for solving problems with other people of any kind, but especially romantic problems. Dan Savage has even reduced the advice to an acronym. I am wondering if it is as great and good as it's advertised to be.

Anarcissie (#3,748)

@Niko Bellic — Well, I don't know. I've usually not been able to be all that indifferent to my lovers.

EM (#244,697)

@Anarcissie I tend to side with that just-break-up-already attitude. Like, if the problem is "I am miserable in this relationship and I have been for awhile," why would two young people (without children or other complicating factors in the equation) feel compelled to stick it out? I don't think romantic relationships are good things in and of themselves, and if a relationship is turning you and your partner into jealous, resentful, frustrated people (as in the letter above), why stay? Why not let each other go to find partners with whom you can actually be content? My attitude definitely stems from having relationships in the past that were just not good fits, where I stayed for too long trying to just fix my attitude or focus on the diminishing good aspects, and the immense feeling of relief after getting out of them, and now being with someone who makes me very happy, so I'm totally biased.

Xenu01 (#244,135)

@Anarcissie I wonder if that is because people tend to write to advice columnists when things are so bad in a relationship that they are actually looking for permission to dump their partner?

Anarcissie (#3,748)

@Xenu01 — There seems to be a lot of permission out there anyway. In fact, I'd say many people need permission to stay in problematic relationships, even when they think the rewards are worth the costs. They're sailing against the wind.

@Anarcissie Wait, seriously? People need permission to stay in problematic relationships? That's what's gotten this dude (and possibly his lady as well) in this mess: he stayed way longer than he should have or wanted to. Our culture tells people it's better to cling to an awful relationship than to venture into life alone, b/c singlehood is so often reviled and feared.

Besides, when Dan says DTMFA, he's talking about motherfuckers. You know? People who *should* be dumped.

Anarcissie (#3,748)

@Ester Bloom@facebook — That's not really what I'm getting, but my perceptions may be warped by reading too many advice columns. So I'll just note that all relationships are problematic in some way.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

I think (young) people need a better understanding of what can they realistically expect to give to and get from a relationship. Some expect their partner to solve their problems, some think they can be the problem solver for their partner. It's really difficult to do that, and it turns relationship (which is supposed to be the fun part of your life) into "work". Sooner or later someone gets tired or blows up and does something that gets blamed for causing the breakup, when in fact the relationship was doomed from the start.

So, yeah, it's best to end it, but make sure that you don't simply start the same story with another person (you'd be shocked to learn how much people are alike when it comes to these issues, and how recurring they are). Finding the right person is hard, but it's no less hard to *be* the right person.

thegirlieshow (#253,364)

A bit of perspective from one who's historically been on the broken-up-with side of the equation here. It sucks, epically, but sometimes it's a thing that has to be done. Just because you're the one who realizes that (or decides to act) first doesn't automatically make you an asshole. Just try to be nice and straightforward about it.

stinapag (#10,293)

…and for the love of all that you find sacred, don't try to remain friends to help her with the breakup.

RobotsNeedLove (#236,743)

Listen, when you're in your early 20's and have been with one person for a long time, you can really forget that you will be fine on your own! After I broke up with my very nice totally wrong for me ex at 24 I had horrific panic attacks and went a bit nuts for a while, and for a while was a huge mess, and then I figured myself out and moved on and everything is much much much better now.

I made some intense and life-altering decisions in that period, and maybe this LW could say I "ruined my life" (eg with more debt than strictly necessary and more money spent on vodka and partying and getting laid than is really reasonable and maybe with some job decisions that I could have made better), but what the fuck is life man? The continuation of that five year relationship and the accompanying withdrawal from the world and self-and-soul-stunting was really a way worse fate.

Xenu01 (#244,135)

Listen, I'm sorry, it's not just you, LW, but EVERYONE IS DOING THIS and it drives me nuts because I'm a historian.

If you google reactionary right now, you will get this:
(of a person or a set of views) opposing political or social liberalization or reform.
synonyms: right-wing, conservative, rightist, ultraconservative

Thank you. Just had to get that out.

Megano! (#16,245)

How in the hell did you move in with this girl when you have NOTHING IN COMMON?

P.S. Get over yourself, you breaking up will not be the end of her life.

holly c (#241,658)

I went through something similar. Many, many years ago, my college boyfriend broke up with me. I had lost interest in him by that point, but I was so used to having him around that I was heartbroken. It was a rough summer. My friends made sure that I got out, and I was surprised to find that other guys were actually interested in dating me. I was fine in a few months, I was moving on. That fall my ex stopped in to a coffee shop where a friend of mine worked. He asked her how I was doing. When she said I was fine, he said 'OK, but really? How is she?' I couldn't believe that 1) he was that stuck on himself and 2) that he had such little faith in me. LW, please, have faith in her. Chances are good that she'll be fine.

smartastic (#2,437)

27 year old boys totally seems like Polly's demo, no?

A Snood Mood (#1,737)

@smartastic Yes! That struck me as kind of odd. I suspect Special Snowflake Syndrome.

pizzaparty (#253,578)

Wow, I feel like this was from my past. DSM- I was just like your gf and Polly's advice is spot on. Just dump her already. Be kind and give her space. Even if she does move away, maybe go crazy for a while, just let it happen! She is in her early-mid 20s and she will discover what she needs out of life, much better without worrying about you. I invested way too much time worrying, being concerned, thinking about other girls etc, that my life literally had nothing else to it. I had a job I hated, friends I didn't like and I also retreated to fashion sites and over eating. Weird how similar this was. No doubt you will both meet someone better suited for each of you. It is so true that we become more clingy to those we actually know are not the best for us. It's as though when we know we are with a perfect match we are totally confident in ourselves that we don't get out of control with jealously simply because no one could be better for the other person. Also, seriously get over yourself you will not ruin your life EVEN if she says so through tears and early morning drunk phone calls for months afterwards. It may take a long time but she will be so much better than she is now in a couple years. I feel like she should call me once you do break up with her.

Down-n-Dirty (#254,881)

I find it interesting how people on here like to shell out their despisements (yes, I make up words) upon someone who is just being real and honest about his situation–and confusion. Who are you kidding? Relationships are real work! We learn a lot about ourselves; stuff that before we learn what it is, we don't know what it is.

i.e., he obviously is OBLIVIOUS to what he hasn't a clue about until–through experience–he gets a clue. (If you think about it, doesn't it work for you in quite the same way?)

So how about a little compassion here, folks?
Sure, he's somewhat of a douche–but he's only in 20's still, right? Guys don't really grow up until 30 (well, a lot of us don't, at least).

People get hurt in the process. Sure. But then again, no one is FORCING this girl to be with him. She is choosing to be with him. We all choose–until we choose a different course of action.

We learn by screwing it all up!
We learn by making "mistakes"–by causing ourselves and others pain.
In fact, it is the PAIN that awakens us to what isn't working sometimes.

So try lightening up a little.
We're all idiots until we're not.
Meaning, we're all idiots who just become less idiotic as time goes on.

Yay for time and experience, pain and idiocy.

bettyHand (#255,034)

This is super great. It's hard to hurt people but what will actually ruin someones life it to stay in a loveless relationship because that's what they get from you. WHen you stay with some one because you are afraid that a break up will suck, how about the fact that you are preventing them from actually being in love and loved back?
She's probably insecure that you don't love her because you don't. That's not crazy, that's reality.

I am Stella and i want to thank Dr.ukpoyan for bringing back my ex boyfriend, we broke up for more than 10 month and he told me that he will never want to see me in his life again. i love him so much to the extend that i could not think of dating any man again, i was confused and depress due to the love i had for him.i did everything i could do to have him come back to me but all went in vain. so i decided to contact a spell caster, i did not believe in spell casting i just want to try it may be it would work out for me. i contacted Dr ukpoyan for help,and he told me that he have to cast a love spell on him, i told him to do it. after 45 hours my boyfriend called me and started to apologize for leaving me and also he told me that he still love me. i was very happy and i thank Dr ukpoyan for helping get back my ex back to my hands. his spell is the greatest of all over the world, it was the love spell he cast on my ex that make him come back to me. all you ladies who want back their ex back i want you to contact Dr.ukpoyan for the return of your ex boyfriend and also your ex girlfriend he can also cast any kind of spell you want him to cast for you. his contact email is dr.ukpoyanspellhome@gmail.com

My name is miss jennifer, am from usa, what a wonderful and a straight forward spell caster that has brought back joy and happiness into my life after i saw a post on how he helped a lady called Cassandra,i decided to contact him for help when i told this God sent man Dr destiny on how my lover left me for 2 years without calling nor testing me,When i shared this my sad experience with Dr destiny he said everything would be okay within 2 days i was like am i sure what this man is saying is real,So i decided to give a try and i what even surprised me the most at first i was also thinking he was a scam i taught he was like other spell caster who come online to add pain to peoples pain not knowing there feelings but to make money,But this great man Dr destiny is never like that his own is for good and make people to be happy with the one they love,Am just so happy,Even before the 3 days i just got a call from a man who has left me for 2 years saying he his sorry and that he wants me back to his life i was so happy,He invited me for a dinner which i meant him there and we bought talked and he said he wants to prove that he would never leave me for any other lady he engaged me and also make me had access to all his account am so happy all thanks goes to this great man Dr destiny a man who has brought back joy to my life,Please friends that needs help i would advice and swear that Dr destiny is the right man and not those fake ones who are online to make money and not to help here is Dr destiny "his private email: destinyspelltemple@gmail.com

doreen3015 (#246,270)

i want to use this medium to say thank you to Doctor Zazaz the great spell caster for what he has done in my life with his spell. He brought my man back to me with his magic spell when i least expected and I'm very proud to write on the internet just to let the world know the great help i got from Doctor Zazaz. My man and i broke up and i never believed that we can be reunited again until i read an article on the internet of how Doctor Zazaz the great spell caster has helped so many people with his spell so i decided to give him a try which was in my favour and here am boldly celebrating and jubilation because i Doctor Zazaz brought my man back with his wonderful spell within 12 to 16 hours. Do you need help of any kind then contact Doctor Zazaz the great spell caster via email: indiaspellcaster@hotmail.com

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