Thursday, August 1st, 2013

What To Google To Get The Government To Show Up At Your House

He travels to Asia for work. She looks up pressure cookers online. And God only knows what the 20-year-old boy in the house Googles. That combination, apparently, is how you get a "joint terrorism task force" to show up at your door on Long Island:

"Meanwhile, they were peppering my husband with questions. Where is he from? Where are his parents from? They asked about me, where was I, where do I work, where do my parents live. Do you have any bombs, they asked. Do you own a pressure cooker? My husband said no, but we have a rice cooker. Can you make a bomb with that? My husband said no, my wife uses it to make quinoa. What the hell is quinoa, they asked."

"Where are your parents from" is a pretty chilling question. Relevant: "They mentioned that they do this about 100 times a week. And that 99 of those visits turn out to be nothing."

17 Comments / Post A Comment

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Wow, hand in the air, lots of questions about these clowns. These six Joint Terrorists just volunteered the information that they were aware of the family's Google search history? And they were confident of being welcomed in with badges and no warrants?

jolie (#16)

My answer to the question "Where are your parents from" might be the worst possible combination of two places. WTG, Mom and Dad. (Oh … you know … Nairobi and BRIDGEPORT.)

jolie (#16)

(And I mean, it's not like I'm not frequently Googling terrifying chemicals that when taken in concert make actual literal bombs. Oh God. Well, hopefully they'll put me on laundry duty in the secret prison I'll be calling home.)

Story #2 (#245,715)

@jolie Some search terms for one day: Gaza border crossings, Gaza border crossings photographs, money transfer to Gaza, quassam missile (in Arabic characters), Hamas (in Arabic characters), nyc subway weapons transport regulations


Drawn7979 (#242,134)

i c

ljndawson (#6,914)

In 1994, after the NYPD foiled a bomb plot in Brooklyn, the FBI came to our door in Park Slope. They were asking about our neighbors – were they Muslim, did we ever hear any anti-American sentiment, etc.

Our neighbors were originally from Puerto Rico. They ran an ice cream parlor.


@ljndawson As a person of Puerto Rican descent who lives in Park Slope: I am now terrified.

ljndawson (#6,914)

@Clarence Rosario Whatever you do, DON'T OPEN AN ICE CREAM PARLOR. :((((((

Logan5 (#233,031)

I once spent an entire afternoon trying to find the original uncensored cover of The Residents' "Baby Sex" LP online, and got real paranoid later…

stuffisthings (#1,352)

Is there some way we can lock all police officers, intelligence agents, and the policymakers who oversee them in some kind of secret prison camp and force them to read about Bayesian statistics until they really get it?

KarenUhOh (#19)

True story: until about eight years ago, our paperboy was named Al Cada.

Then, suddenly, he "moved away."

stuffisthings (#1,352)

@KarenUhOh We had a partner coming to a conference of ours whose first name was Osama.

When he arrived the hotel put him in room 911.

Leon (#6,596)

They asked what the hell quinoa was?

I'm terrified they're going to come to my house, find out I have amaranth, and extraordinarily rendite me on the spot.

Leon (#6,596)

@Leon – I mean how the hell are you supposed to fight the bad guys without eating your high protein pseudo-cereals?

hman (#53)

The next time I search recipes for bomba rice, I'll make extra paella in case dudes like this show up.

sigerson (#179)

A counterargument:

* all your internet searches, text messages, phone records, GPS tracks – all of it – are currently stored by both government agencies and companies FOREVER
* that data is used for law enforcement purposes to trace a suspect's whereabouts, knowledge and intent, usually by looking back at the historical record.
* that data is also used by corporations to market stuff to you.
* being online is like being in public – everything is public and there can be no expectation of privacy
* we have record low levels of crime in the U.S.
* we have nearly zero terrorist attacks
* I am pretty left-wingy (represented Gitmo detainees in court) but I don't have any problem with a massive surveillance state (yes, even if Ted Cruz was president).

Paul B@twitter (#13,135)

99 of these cases turn out to be nothing. Also the other 1 case is nothing, unless you include some great recipes for quinoa though.

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