Friday, April 19th, 2013

Asshole College Kids Apparently Now Way Worse Than Ever

This week, two—possibly three, or maybe more—not particularly bright asshole millennials discovered a terrible new way get attention. Then, for an encore, they figured out a way to shut down a mid-sized American city today.

After shooting some people and robbing a store last night, like total morons, one of the idiots actually managed to simply disappear, despite being in a shoot-out with police, in which the other main numbnuts was killed, and despite every law enforcement person in New England looking for him.

TV news spent most of the morning trying desperately to not be underfoot while people were actually trying to do their jobs to find the remaining asshole. Also trying to find out the difference between Kyrgyzstan and Chechnya. Or maybe Turkey? No, wait, definitely someplace.

Anyway, they're assholes.

"He won't get very far if he pokes his head out," said someone on the TV.

"Something just happened," said someone on the TV.

"Clearly you can't look at a backpack without being nervous right now," said someone on the TV.

"We've got a dog," said someone on the TV.

"That's why they're being extra special cautious," said someone on the TV.

"They're from a certain part of the world," said someone on the TV.

"CAN YOU HEAR ME, JAKE TAPPER?" said someone on the TV.

"I don't smell smoke anymore," said someone on the TV.

"Self-radicalized," said someone on the TV.

Some things are now happening. Or are not. Check back later with whatever news source seems at least moderately useful.

36 Comments / Post A Comment

riggssm (#760)

And then there's Chuck Todd on MSNBC being _____, asking Willie fucking Geist to "give us the tick-tock" like it's a light media day at the White House.


LondonLee (#922)

Or you could ask me what's going on, I live in Watertown!

Just had some heavily-armed cops searching around my house.

saythatscool (#101)

@LondonLee what can you tell me about the Chechnyan LARPing scene in Watertown????

LondonLee (#922)

@saythatscool Lot of Armenians here who are very big on funeral homes and pistachios.

LEE. WHAT IS GOING ON OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE NOW? Do you see CNN? If so, can you throw rocks?

Astigmatism (#1,950)

@LondonLee Shelter in place with lamejun.

LondonLee (#922)

@Choire Sicha Can't see anyone but watching the TV I see Michael Isikoff is at the mall down the road.

I was there last night at the gym!

IBentMyWookie (#133)

I don't know, I still think that sorority girl who wrote that awful letter has these guys beat…

She's the only hero of this fucking bullshit week.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

@Choire Sicha How much did that letter make you miss Denton?

jfruh (#713)

what the fuck kind of criminal terrorist masterminds carjack a guy, tell him they're the marathon bombers, then … let him go? this is some "four lions" shit right here

deepomega (#1,720)

@jfruh Imagine Four Lions mixed with a little Columbine, basically.

City_Dater (#2,500)


Clearly they made no post-attack plan, or at least nothing beyond "retreat to the suburbs."

hockeymom (#143)

@City_Dater And at the end of the day, isn't that really everyone's plan?

Goddammit, I had "Uzbekistan" in my bracket.

dado (#102)

We need that Russian guy from the Pine Barrens to get involved.

mrschem (#1,757)

@dado goddamn, im glad i came here.

jolie (#16)

@dado I made a similar joke, PRIVATELY, to a friend this morning and am so happy to know I'm not the only sick fuck who thought of it. (Then I called my mother in Charlestown, because priorities.)

The best part is when MSNBC reporters were told to lie on the ground. The police are now just fucking with the media.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

@Clarence Rosario My kingdom for a screengrab

C_Webb (#855)

@Clarence Rosario "… and count to 8 million."

#56 (#56)

Is the video not working? it's probably for the best…

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@#56 Buffering For Peace …and quiet.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@#56 This has inspired my next historical nonfiction book called Wait For It!: One man's sin and salvation through eternal buffering

Multiphasic (#411)

For variety's sake, I read the comments at Foreign Policy. Now I know where the people who sit at the DMV without a number go to virtually stare wide-eyed at each other.

Kevin (#2,559)

Locked down in Dorchester

LondonLee (#922)

@Kevin So just an average day in Dorchester for you, then?

mrschem (#1,757)

@Kevin locked down in chelsea

Kevin (#2,559)

@LondonLee Pretty much. I made a few phone calls though and it seems that every bar and packie on Dot ave. is open for business. What's even worse my fellow lockdown-ee is originally from Watertown. Inexplicably he isn't Armenian.

amuselouche (#448)

"Responding to news that the two suspects in the Boston Marathon bombings were young Chechen refugees who had lived in the United States for several years, Chechnya’s president, Ramzan Kadyrov, turned to Instagram to defend the honor of his nation." OK, that's it. There is no way this isn't a viral campaign for Four Lions II.

@amuselouche @amuselouche I just saw a quote from the Chechen president on the news here in Spain, and he blamed the young men's behavior on the American school system (for reals).

Smitros (#5,315)

Anybody know how to say "sucks to be you" in Chechen?

stuffisthings (#1,352)

I'm flying to an Arab country today, I hope they're not searching everyone who looks vaguely Caucasian.

stuffisthings (#1,352)

@stuffisthings Just glad I decided not to buy Roger Ebert's cookbook, I'd definitely be on some sort of list.

LondonLee (#922)

Fuck, I'm tired. Was woken by the gunfire and explosions* and have been up ever since.

*Technically my wife was woken by the gunfire and explosions and she woke me. I probably would have slept through the whole thing otherwise.

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