Asshole College Kids Apparently Now Way Worse Than Ever

This week, two—possibly three, or maybe more—not particularly bright asshole millennials discovered a terrible new way get attention. Then, for an encore, they figured out a way to shut down a mid-sized American city today.

After shooting some people and robbing a store last night, like total morons, one of the idiots actually managed to simply disappear, despite being in a shoot-out with police, in which the other main numbnuts was killed, and despite every law enforcement person in New England looking for him.

TV news spent most of the morning trying desperately to not be underfoot while people were actually trying to do their jobs to find the remaining asshole. Also trying to find out the difference between Kyrgyzstan and Chechnya. Or maybe Turkey? No, wait, definitely someplace.

Anyway, they’re assholes.

“He won’t get very far if he pokes his head out,” said someone on the TV.

“Something just happened,” said someone on the TV.

“Clearly you can’t look at a backpack without being nervous right now,” said someone on the TV.

“We’ve got a dog,” said someone on the TV.

“That’s why they’re being extra special cautious,” said someone on the TV.

“They’re from a certain part of the world,” said someone on the TV.

“CAN YOU HEAR ME, JAKE TAPPER?” said someone on the TV.

“I don’t smell smoke anymore,” said someone on the TV.

“Self-radicalized,” said someone on the TV.

Some things are now happening. Or are not. Check back later with whatever news source seems at least moderately useful.