Lena Dunham, Adele, Lady Gaga, Amy Adams All Very Ugly, Says "Esquire"

OH YES. “And women no longer need to be beautiful in order to express their talent. Lena Dunham and Adele and Lady Gaga and Amy Adams are all perfectly plain, and they are all at the top of their field.”

Actual words, typed consecutively, and somehow published. Despite the obvious questions—how the hell did poor Amy Adams get wrapped up in that claim!? And also “how soon is Adele going to BEAT YOU TO DEATH?”—I also… I… I don’t know where to start with Stephen Marche’s half-profile of Megan Fox for Esquire. I thought the mens’ mags had moved on from hiring ghouls—I mean, smart ones even!—to be ghoulish about women and their value. I thought the age of OMG WOMEN HAVE BREASTS, SOME ARE SO PRETTY, WHAT SHALL WE DO was over.

Here’s a great half-baked thought: “Because creativity is, was, and always will be sexual.” Or… “Today, unfettered sexual beauty is an impediment.” To be fair, I certainly find that’s the case for me. People just don’t take me seriously due to my unfettered sexual beauty. I’m like a wild horse that everyone wants to ride but no one can tame! NO FETTERS EVER.

Anyway, here, enjoy: in the words of Esquire‘s SEO: “Read more: Megan Fox Cover Interview – Megan Fox Sexy Photos – Esquire.” It ends with the biggest clunker imaginable. Spoiler: he goes to town with the fact that her son is named Noah. LOL.

Oh look wait, they also have a Paul Giamatti interview today. That’s so weird how they don’t talk about his unfettered sexual beauty or lack thereof.