Wednesday, January 16th, 2013
46

Lena Dunham, Adele, Lady Gaga, Amy Adams All Very Ugly, Says "Esquire"

OH YES. "And women no longer need to be beautiful in order to express their talent. Lena Dunham and Adele and Lady Gaga and Amy Adams are all perfectly plain, and they are all at the top of their field."

Actual words, typed consecutively, and somehow published. Despite the obvious questions—how the hell did poor Amy Adams get wrapped up in that claim!? And also "how soon is Adele going to BEAT YOU TO DEATH?"—I also… I… I don't know where to start with Stephen Marche's half-profile of Megan Fox for Esquire. I thought the mens' mags had moved on from hiring ghouls—I mean, smart ones even!—to be ghoulish about women and their value. I thought the age of OMG WOMEN HAVE BREASTS, SOME ARE SO PRETTY, WHAT SHALL WE DO was over.

Here's a great half-baked thought: "Because creativity is, was, and always will be sexual." Or… "Today, unfettered sexual beauty is an impediment." To be fair, I certainly find that's the case for me. People just don't take me seriously due to my unfettered sexual beauty. I'm like a wild horse that everyone wants to ride but no one can tame! NO FETTERS EVER.

Anyway, here, enjoy: in the words of Esquire's SEO: "Read more: Megan Fox Cover Interview – Megan Fox Sexy Photos – Esquire." It ends with the biggest clunker imaginable. Spoiler: he goes to town with the fact that her son is named Noah. LOL.

Oh look wait, they also have a Paul Giamatti interview today. That's so weird how they don't talk about his unfettered sexual beauty or lack thereof.

46 Comments / Post A Comment

C_Webb (#855)

Christ. I'm going to have to start outsourcing my hating; I simply can't keep up with the demand.

finnsmom1 (#240,897)

@C_Webb I so wish I'd said that!

Mr. B (#10,093)

If this post is going to represent The Awl's Girls coverage for 2013, I'm fine with that.

Pre-surgery Megan Fox was a cross between Casey Anthony and your average central Florida stripper. Very good example of "Southern Face," particularly in the second photo. Who wouldn't rather have been born Adele, or any of the women mentioned with their talents: http://www.buzzfeed.com/whitneyjefferson/megan-foxs-ever-changing-face-through-the-years

osmium (#7,705)

@Lindsay Robertson "Southern Face"

brianvan (#149)

@Lindsay Robertson Your observations on all matters having to do with Florida are always spot-on and well-appreciated. "Florida explainers" serve an important role in society not unlike UN translators

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@osmium Anyone who knows their Southernface knows that people who look like Megan Fox are usually part Native American. :::WHIPS OUT STACK OF BILLS WON AT THE CASINO AND PEELS THEM OFF AT THE STRIPPER:::

NinetyNine (#98)

BRB pitching 'Southern Facepaint', my romcom about Reese Witherspoon as a Panama City suntan salon owner battling local stripper Megan Fox (who dresses as Pocahontas for her act) as she tries to steal Matthew McCohnahahgy's affection.

hershmire (#233,671)

@Lindsay Robertson My God, "Southern Face." I never knew there was a term for it!

C_Webb (#855)

@hershmire I like that almost as much as "homeschool hair."

City_Dater (#2,500)

@Lindsay Robertson

And apparently the last time she could close her mouth completely was in spring of '07. Sad.

Brunhilde (#1,225)

@Lindsay Robertson Is the southern face the side where the moss doesn't grow? I always forget.

hershmire (#233,671)

@C_Webb I have learned so much today.

sharilyn (#4,599)

Choire, I blow you an appreciative, creative, size-fourteen kiss. SEXISM LOL.

Annie K. (#3,563)

"Such movies [American, gloriously pagan] need bombshells. They need to consume beautiful flesh in their sacrifices. They need women like Megan Fox." Didn't click over to page 2. Still having trouble with consuming beautiful flesh in sacrifices.

Smitros (#5,315)

@Annie K. Try adding some sriracha.

@Annie K. : As a typical New York 20-something, I spend about $250 a week consuming beautiful flesh in my sacrifices, which amounts to about $13,000 annually, and this does not include the additional $50 to $100 a week I spend on cooking classes, wine tastings and cheese pairings.

P.J. Morse (#232,627)

@Annie K. Dear movies featuring Megan Fox … you have a bit of flesh on your front teeth. No, not that one … the other one. Okay!

AMY ADAMS IS MY JESUS

GROSSEST. Though to be fair they did run a similarly gooey eye-effy piece on Jon Hamm. http://www.esquire.com/features/jon-hamm-interview-0312

gregorg (#30)

I'm sorry, what were you typing unfettered basket?

LondonLee (#922)

I love it (hate it actually) when Esquire writers try to get all Norman Mailer about D-list girls, trying desperately to find a way to write about them that isn't just LOOK! BOOBS! BUY THIS MAGAZINE!

cory dodt@twitter (#12,071)

Dat Flood.

Hey wasn't there a movie made about how Amy Adams is literally enchantingly beautiful? I think it rhymes with "Tenchanted."

C_Webb (#855)

@cory dodt@twitter WHENCHANTED. BENCHANTED. RALPH LAURENCHANTED.

cory dodt@twitter (#12,071)

@C_Webb Yeah, the last one.

Bittersweet (#765)

@C_Webb Benchanted is Affleck's next directing effort. Princess Giselle loses the NY boutique in the downturn, moves to the projects in Eastie, teams up with Donnie Wahlberg to solve murders.

City_Dater (#2,500)

@Bittersweet

I would watch the shit out of that.

ejcsanfran (#489)

Those poor successful hags!

P.J. Morse (#232,627)

Well, who is this dude to judge on face? I took a look at his home page and found his sexual beauty to be quite "fettered," if you will.

melis (#1,854)

Very sad news. Actress Megan Fox, star of the Transformers films, died today at 27. She was burned out by her own sex appeal. Four members of a local first-responder team perished in the blaze. She will be deeply missed.

jhjhjhj (#7,025)

"And men no longer need to be devastatingly handsome in order to express their talent. Steve Buscemi and John C. Riley and Rick Ross and Zach Galifianakis are all perfectly plain, and they are all at the top of their field." – my article on Jon Hamm.

City_Dater (#2,500)

I would pay cash money to watch those four women kick Stephen Marche until he is on the ground screaming, but they are all too busy and don't need my money anyway.

It's a wonder that Wall-E got made at all, what with that fugly robot.

hockeymom (#143)

She's beautiful AND speaks in tongues.
Plus, there are quotes like this one:

"I've read the Book of Revelation a million times," Megan Fox says. "It does not make sense, obviously. It needs to be decoded. What is the dragon? What is the prostitute? What are these things? What is this imagery? What was John seeing? And I was just thinking, What is the Antichrist?"

DECODE THE BEAUTY.

Megan Fox will forever be Balk's 2009-era muse, and for that she deserves our eternal gratitude.

Spencer Lund (#2,331)

"She starred in Jennifer's Body, a magnificent, delicious, criminally underrated parable about a bombshell who literally devours men, her sexual appeal a kind of demonic possession."

Vera Knoop (#2,167)

"I thought the mens' mags had moved on from hiring ghouls—I mean, smart ones even!—to be ghoulish about women and their value. I thought the age of OMG WOMEN HAVE BREASTS, SOME ARE SO PRETTY, WHAT SHALL WE DO was over."

You… you did? On what basis?

"Self-conscious narcissism of the Carrie Diaries variety is still the bulk of mainstream culture, of course. Why do people watch the Kardashians or any other reality-television show? To learn how much self-exposure is acceptable. And every episode conveniently gives the same answer: more. In 2011, Americans spent an estimated $10 billion on plastic surgery, according to an industry association, and about $5 billion on NASA space operations. By this logic, having perfect tits is worth twice as much as exploring the universe."

Stephen Marche, January 3, 2013.

tfey_hawbz (#36)

@Maura Johnston Troof.

samwise (#240,830)

The only thing popping up in my brain that most closely resembles a word is a pig grunt.

I'm still unsure how Amy Adams — who is beautiful but often hides it in her roles got lumped into this mess.

Ridiculous.

GailPink (#9,712)

She's pretty but shes not "all that," to throw out what must surely be an antiquated phrase by now.

niltes (#243,635)

They need women like Megan Fox." Didn't click over to page 2. Still having trouble with consuming beautiful flesh in sacrifices. "Such movies [American, gloriously pagan] need bombshells. They need to consume beautiful flesh in their sacrifices. good skin

ecer236 (#285,166)

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