What Happened? Ask A Guy Who Didn't Watch the RNC Who Follows Liberals on Twitter

What happened at the Republican National Convention?

I dunno, I heard a lot of people say that Chris Christie was really fat and is going to be our biggest President since Taft in 2016.

What about the dudes running for President?

I heard that that Paul Ryan guy doesn’t buy suits that fit him and is like a big liar? I heard they were both really, really rich but for some reason refused to get their clothes tailored, and they are both definitely not off-the-rack sizes, although Mitt is closer. Also some people wanted to rock Paul Ryan’s body.

What was the highlight of the convention?

Something about Paul Newman doing the chair dance routine from Showgirls? Wait, it was Clint Eastwood. Also he is really old and probably senile is what people were saying.

What did Mitt Romney say his presidency was going to be about?

I guess he’s going to repeal all the stuff Obama did. I heard the people on MSNBC were super mad.

What stuff is that?

Uh… Maybe he’s going to unkill bin Laden? Not sure. OH, also, “no healthcare.” Something “small government.” Something “jobs.” That’s weird though, because Obama keeps saying “jobs.” Also they are really rich, just like Mike Bloomberg, so it should all work out fine.

Do you remember people saying anything else about the convention?

I guess a lot of people were really mad? But I’m not totally sure why they were watching it then.