Wednesday, May 30th, 2012

Scientists Baffled by the Brutal, Terrible Mystery of "Pine Mouth"!

As you likely know, pine mouth is a hideous, prolonged, somewhat rare, random response to having eaten pine nuts. What's it like? Here's our first-person report: "You're terrified that you are going insane. Everything tastes like you are choking on lemon zest." Now, a new publication by the Journal of Agricultural & Food Chemistry finds esteemed scientists literally throwing up their hands. They learned a lot about pine nuts and their composition! But nothing useful: "An etiological agent for pine mouth has not been identified either for the cases reported in Europe or for those reported in the United States. Suggestions regarding causality range from the possible presence of an unidentified toxin (e.g., a contaminant or a natural constituent) resulting from importation of nonedible Pinus species to individual susceptibilities possibly related to polymorphism in the genetic expression of taste function."

That is the way scientists say "WE GOT NOTHING." Let us elect a new President who will insist on stopping these sad, useless scientists.

14 Comments / Post A Comment

Leon Tchotchke (#14,331)

I vow to serve nothing but pine nuts to all guests and relatives until I have provided a sufficiently large sample size for science to determine the cause of this terrible piney malady.

wallsdonotfall (#6,378)

@Leon Tchotchke I volunteer.

Jimkrunk (#231,024)

This pesto-lence must be stopped.

Smitros (#5,315)

@Jimkrunk Researchers must narrow their cone of error, and we should keep needling them, barking if necessary.


I can't guarantee that my carry-on doesn't contain trace elements of pine nuts. Fly at your own risk.

C_Webb (#855)

@NotAndersonCooper I only gnaw other people's luggage if the plane rapidly loses altitude — or when they accidentally play that "Y'all are gonna die" message.

Update: still haven't eaten pine nuts in two years. Thanks for nothing, science.

"… individual susceptibilities possibly related to polymorphism in the genetic expression of taste function."

Otherwise known as the "blame the pine mouth victim" theory. It's YOUR fault you got pine mouth, Clarence Rosario! You and you're susceptible taste function!

@MisterHippity "genetic expression"? Yet again, the internet proves to be an unsafe place for Latvians.

heartbreakturnip (#1,190)

You think it's funny, but it happened to me after a pine-nut eating binge. (There was nothing else in the house to eat.) It lasted more than a week. Everything tasted like metal. I thought I was poisoned.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

On the other hand, beer nuts leave you sadder bud weiser.

So nothing about Chinese vs Italian pine nuts? I thought that was the difference. I've had pine nuts once since 2010 (just like @heartbreakturnip everything tasted like metal for nearly two weeks for me) and made sure they were Italian. But I'm not risking it if that's not true. Come on scientists! Solve this, please.

MichelleBusch (#236,533)

I think this pesto-lence must be stopped.

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