Wednesday, May 16th, 2012
32

Future Brooklyn: The Dadvorcé Mancave

Good news! I ran into a bunch of married Brooklyn dads last night (in Manhattan, of course), who weren't so happy about our thoughts on how the real estate needs of their upcoming divorces are going to destroy whole swaths of gentrified Brooklyn.

But the disgruntled dads did bring up something obvious I hadn't considered. What do you think the likely behavior of a bunch of 40-something dadvorcé's will be? That's right: dadcaves. They're not going to live on their own when they get divorced, thereby hogging all the apartments. They're going to all be roomies! They'll form packs of bro households, with a high-up wet bar that the kids can't reach and a Wii in every room. A Frankies cookbook in every kitchen! It'll be their third boyhood! This, at least, will keep the housing market from being completely flooded by the forthcoming Brooklyn divorce wave. Plus, they're all going to be living in the new Crown Heights, after it's gentrified, anyway. That's too bad, because do you know how hard it is to get from the 3 train to the F train? Commuting from daddy's Brodown Palace to Mommy's Lil' Yoga Retreat in Carroll Gardens is going to be horrible for Parsnip and Carrot, the sad hipster twins of divorce.

(Also obviously: the gay dadvorcé—you know, the ones who were bi and then married a woman and then started dating men again after the divorce—will just move back to Manhattan.)

Photo by Charlie

32 Comments / Post A Comment

Matt (#26)

JESUS CHRIST, GO BACK TO FLORIDA, DUDE.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

I don't understand the social patterns in my own age-cohort and the Girls-phenomenon indicates I have zero handle on the one after mine. So: Brodad Compounds in Crown Heights sounds about as likely to me as anything else.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

@dntsqzthchrmn I guess what I am saying is that when in the nineties the bros started arriving in close-knit packs of high school friends and college friends, I was all 'why would you come to the great promise of anonymity with people who know all about you?' and watched in sadness as they built bank after bank and chain eatery after chain eatery in the craters of my beloved confused borscht palaces. So whatever they do in marriage and divorce will be more of the same, and I will keep standing on a hill 500 miles away watching for the sign that it's safe to return.

melis (#1,854)

HAIL TRAVELER

WELL MET, SENTINEL

HOW FARES THE OUTSIDE WORLD

IT FARES AS IT EVER DID – WITH APPLEBEE'S HAPPY HOURS AND THE PROLIFERATION OF FRATERNITY ROW THROUGH BOTH UP- AND DOWNTOWN

THEN I SHALL REMAIN AT MY WATCH
AND I SHALL WAIT

I BID THEE A GOOD WATCH AND A LONG REST AT THE END

THE END IS NOT YET

I THANK YOU BUT THE END IS NOT YET COME

melis (#1,854)

OH HEY IS GIRLS STILL ON THE AIR

IS IT ANY GOOD STILL

DAMN I THINK HE'S GONE

jolie (#16)

Might I suggest that Roosevelt Island would be a good place for the Dadcave Communes? Right on the F train!

(The condescending hostility of this series is making me a lil' sad. Not gonna lie. And I mean? I'm a childless Manhattanite who has no horse in this race. Choire! Maybe you should just avoid Brooklyn if it makes you hate straight people with children so much that it turns you into sort of an unlikable jerk?)

C_Webb (#855)

@jolie I kind of forgave him because of "Brodown Palace." DEADHEAD CHOIRE.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

In the best city in the world for a straight man to get laid, if all you can think of doing with your post-marriage life is getting a bunch of roommates and staying home to drink and play Wii, you've definitely been married for too long (and doing it wrong).

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@Niko Bellic You just made a pretty good case for me to stay single and move to New York.

Do they allow Wiis at Rikers?

pissy elliott (#397)

Masterful use of "repressive sentimentalism" slug

eggplant (#2,003)

I don't know if it translates, but this is what's happening in D.C. It is pretty sad!

I'm pretty sure that this is not going to become A Thing. Can't we all just please go back to picking on Williamsburg?

Tuna Surprise (#573)

@Clarence Rosario
Haven't you seen the Squid and the Whale?

jfruh (#713)

Good thing I'm not having kids so I won't get divorced! Also I don't live in NYC. THESE ARE THE SECRETS TO HAPPINESS EVERYBODY, JUST FYI.

hman (#53)

If anyone's interested, I sell pickled carrots and parsnips at the Grand Army Plaza Greenmarket.

Look, dude, we get it: sometimes you can't get into Buttermilk Channel on a Saturday night. It sucks, but no need to take it out on the rest of us. I have to be out of there by 7pm anyway to put my daughter to bed, so it's not my fault!

C_Webb (#855)

@Clarence Rosario And it's not like we take the kids to Pok Pok. TOO SPICY!

(I have no idea if this is true; I haven't been able to get in even though I live down the damn street.)

@C_Webb You : Pok Pok :: Me : Talde

(you can only get into Talde before 6pm anyway, so might as well bring your kids)

mishaps (#5,779)

Choire, you've been away too long. You take the C to Metrotech and transfer for the F. Or head for the Bergen Street bus, which is the only New York City bus that has ever fucked me over by being early rather than late.

Servicey!

City_Dater (#2,500)

Statistically, it is more likely for the divorced moms to band together in Yoga Retreats of Doom with many bedrooms for all the kiddies, while the dadvorces are busy getting remarried to 25-year-olds.

City_Dater (#2,500)

@City_Dater

KATE AND ALLIE.

C_Webb (#855)

@City_Dater All part of the plan. Now SHHHH!

@City_Dater No way. Odd Couple predates Kate and Allie (in more ways than one if you saw that crossover episode I just made up). Therefore mancaves (mencave?) will predominate.

City_Dater (#2,500)

@My Number Is My Address

Felix went back to his wife after a few months! Temporary Mancaves (in Manhattan) don't count.

melis (#1,854)

I can't take it anymore, Felix, I'm cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you're not here, the things I know you're gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. Told you 158 times I can't stand little notes on my pillow. "We're all out of cornflakes. F.U." Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar!

melis (#1,854)

Years later – and moments before the bullet entered and exited his temple, in as neat and efficient a coda to existence as Felix could have asked – Oscar would realize that, of course, that was the only time in his life he had ever been happy. Felix wrote "we're all out of cornflakes" because he could not, would not write I love you.

When Oscar's ex-wife came to clean out the apartment, she found boxes of cornflakes in every cupboard and drawer. She drove them over to her daughter's apartment for the grandchildren. "No point in them going to waste," she said, dragging on a Virginia Slim and shaking her head. "Why he kept that many goddamn flakes in the house I'll never understand. That man."

@melis Yes! And then Jaye P. Morgan burst in and sang a medley of sports-themed torch songs.

What? 18 comments in and no Klugman? Damn you, Awl commenters, damn you straight to hell.

NeonTrotsky (#2,249)

All of this is just bringing me closer and closer to joining the Voluntary Human Extinction Movement.

eatbigsea (#1,361)

So damn glad I live in London. He has an amazing sword collection, though.

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