Today Only: The Awl Is Auditioning New Commenters!

Just a reminder to all denizens of the Internet that we are finally holding auditions for new commenters today. It’s been a long time since we had any open commenter slots, but with some recent turnover in the commenter market, today’s the day!

Interested? We’re looking to fill the following commenter positions; apply within!

1. Master or mistress of puns, in-jokes, memes and general nonsense. This commenter serves to set the tone for all other commenters, by running normal comments through a random word generator, as well as making jokes about Tumblrs with fewer than 200 followers and things seen on other sites that we don’t read. Commenter should also create an extensive series of semi-humorous callbacks to already-corrected errors of months ago on the site.

2. Slightly sycophantic drunk gay guy who has strong opinions about TV who turns exceedingly nasty after midnight. We lost our most recent one in a tragic house fire. (Drunk gay guys have a 30% chance of their house kimonos meeting their cigarettes during the course of their blog commenting.)

3. Social Mores Watchdog Commenter. This person provides leftist counterpoint, and decides when we’ve not been obviously ironic enough in mocking poor people, people with disabilities and New Jersey governors. Also Jews. Stridency a must! Note: This position can also be filled with The Angry Accessibility Expert, whose profanity-laced comments are concerned solely with issues affecting colorblindness in web design. Requirements: must be a hot piece of eye-candy.

4. Assistant or former assistant or person who was once interviewed for a position as an assistant or person who was a roommate once of someone who once interviewed to be an assistant to: Tina Brown, Graydon Carter, or Barry Diller. This is the all-important “nexus of speaking truth to power” commenter position. This person is deeply informed on the workings of Manhattan society due to their extremely short period of proximity to the corridors of influence. In the future, it’s likely that this commenter will be promoted to chief commenter (or possibly “only commenter”) when we redesign our comments system later this year.

5. The Shocked Prioritizer. Generally should only comment in the formulation “I can’t BELIEVE you’re wasting time talking about [x] when [y] is also happening.” Requirements: must have logged at least 40 hours reading Jezebel.

6. Disbarred lawyer. Provides long and just-slightly incorrect and hasty review of all blog posts regarding the law.

7. The London commenter. The London commenter has a small but important role to fill, correcting our posts about David Bowie videos of the 80s and early Belle and Sebastian B-sides, and generally opining about shoes. Must also email us weekly with Bandcamp and Soundcloud links to obscure and not very good new bands.

Pay: none. Benefits: none. Social rewards: none. Please submit your application as an extraordinarily large PDF attachment, with no cover note, from a fake Gmail address, to