Wednesday, April 18th, 2012
312

Today Only: The Awl Is Auditioning New Commenters!

Just a reminder to all denizens of the Internet that we are finally holding auditions for new commenters today. It's been a long time since we had any open commenter slots, but with some recent turnover in the commenter market, today's the day!

Interested? We're looking to fill the following commenter positions; apply within!

1. Master or mistress of puns, in-jokes, memes and general nonsense. This commenter serves to set the tone for all other commenters, by running normal comments through a random word generator, as well as making jokes about Tumblrs with fewer than 200 followers and things seen on other sites that we don't read. Commenter should also create an extensive series of semi-humorous callbacks to already-corrected errors of months ago on the site.

2. Slightly sycophantic drunk gay guy who has strong opinions about TV who turns exceedingly nasty after midnight. We lost our most recent one in a tragic house fire. (Drunk gay guys have a 30% chance of their house kimonos meeting their cigarettes during the course of their blog commenting.)

3. Social Mores Watchdog Commenter. This person provides leftist counterpoint, and decides when we've not been obviously ironic enough in mocking poor people, people with disabilities and New Jersey governors. Also Jews. Stridency a must! Note: This position can also be filled with The Angry Accessibility Expert, whose profanity-laced comments are concerned solely with issues affecting colorblindness in web design. Requirements: must be a hot piece of eye-candy.

4. Assistant or former assistant or person who was once interviewed for a position as an assistant or person who was a roommate once of someone who once interviewed to be an assistant to: Tina Brown, Graydon Carter, or Barry Diller. This is the all-important "nexus of speaking truth to power" commenter position. This person is deeply informed on the workings of Manhattan society due to their extremely short period of proximity to the corridors of influence. In the future, it's likely that this commenter will be promoted to chief commenter (or possibly "only commenter") when we redesign our comments system later this year.

5. The Shocked Prioritizer. Generally should only comment in the formulation "I can't BELIEVE you're wasting time talking about [x] when [y] is also happening." Requirements: must have logged at least 40 hours reading Jezebel.

6. Disbarred lawyer. Provides long and just-slightly incorrect and hasty review of all blog posts regarding the law.

7. The London commenter. The London commenter has a small but important role to fill, correcting our posts about David Bowie videos of the 80s and early Belle and Sebastian B-sides, and generally opining about shoes. Must also email us weekly with Bandcamp and Soundcloud links to obscure and not very good new bands.


Pay: none. Benefits: none. Social rewards: none. Please submit your application as an extraordinarily large PDF attachment, with no cover note, from a fake Gmail address, to AJ@deadspin.com.

312 Comments / Post A Comment

I'm your guy, Brochacho.

/dick joke

camelface (#4,600)

I’ve been reading The Awl since 1997 but it sucks now.

@camelface The newsletters used to be fantastic when we never got them. Now that they're a regular thing, they suck.

jfruh (#713)

@camelface It's been all downhill since they took the picture of an awl off the Awl.

@camelface, @Krugmaniac Depressive : The newsletters were great before I actually started logging into the throwaway email account I used to sign up for them.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

I actually have a little star-shaped sticker that I physically attach to my screen next to my name in all comments sections. So, pry that from my cold dead hands.

julebsorry (#5,783)

@boyofdestiny Aww, I had a little star sticker, but then someone came and took it away as punishment for reciting all of my comments out loud ALL IN CAPS WITH NO PUNCTUATION.

SkinnyNerd (#224,784)

@boyofdestiny How do you make it go up and down when you scroll?

automaticdoor (#11,521)

@SkinnyNerd This was also my question.

Kevin Erb@twitter (#232,203)

Where do I give this post a star? I'm new here.

+1

@Clarence Rosario F+F'ed

jolie (#16)

YOU SUCK BRING BACK COEN

IBentMyWookie (#133)

@jolie This site hasn't been worth reading since Spiers left

LolCait (#460)

WTF

Mr. Praline (#7,361)

@LolCait Oh, you.

@LolCait Beyoncé deliberately weakened the stitching in my yoga shorts.

BeRightBack (#59)

@LolCait : You're so funny, they should *pay* you to write for this blog!

IBentMyWookie (#133)

@NotAndersonCooper Azealian Banks saw me running for the elevator but pressed the "close door" button anyways

Sarcastro (#328)

@LolCait You were funnier when we didn't know you were a dude.

Pop Socket (#187)

@LolCait They need to give you the title of Commenter Emeritus.

SkinnyNerd (#224,784)

@LolCait Damn I miss that avatar.

meerkat (#228)

@Sarcastro Wait – LolCait is a dude?!

Did Sheila get fired again?

@Clarence Rosario No, and she's been trawling the LL platform at 14th Street with a can of Miller Ale and can't even get arrested.

Aloysius (#1,808)

If you wanna go the distance with this you should fire Balk without explanation.

@Aloysius CAN DO!

Are you serious? That is so random!

BoHan (#29)

Re #2. I'm sorry. I've been on a diet. Also, more Madonna posts.

Morbo (#1,288)

Ahem.

This site has ended up to be just a bunch of Buzzfeed posts!

Bring back Richard Lawson!

Where are my Blind Items?

Everything wrong can be traced to the influence of Deadspin!

Olivia2.0 (#1,716)

@Morbo What about those bitches at Jezebel, eh?

lawyergay (#220)

You're right. It's time for me to pass the baton.

@lawyergay I'm afraid barristergay has one up on you.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

@lawyergay – I see they aren't looking for a "pervy disbarred straight lawyer", since saysthatscool returned.

Rosebud (#4,107)

@lawyergay Was KarenUuhOh a disbarred lawyer??

mathnet (#27)

@Rosebud NOOOOOOOOO. Current one! In good standing!

Rosebud (#4,107)

@mathnet Oh, thank goodness! I didn't really think it was possible!

TheRtHonPM (#10,481)

Hello and greetings,,

Congratulations on write nice blog. Please visit mine at here: [link to fake LV site]

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

It's all about the John Fitzgerald Pageviews.

BadUncle (#153)

@SidAndFinancy He needs an app.

BeRightBack (#59)

@SidAndFinancy This is the Worst Comment In The World!

@SidAndFinancy

How much do yoooouuuuu squat?

notthebest (#536)

I'm a pre-barred lawyer who is willing to provide completely wrong legal analysis on any topic.

brent_cox (#40)

Does this mean you're resetting commenter numbers?

sigerson (#179)

@brent_cox – GOD I HOPE NOT

Mr. B (#10,093)

@sigerson I actually held out for a few weeks before signing up as a commenter, because for some reason I thought it would be cool to have number 10,000 exactly. How woefully wrong I was!

brent_cox (#40)

@Mr. B I just want a prime number, and am too dumb to figure one out in the 230,000s.

ohk (#201,911)

If we're talking about early Belle and Sebastian, shouldn't be "Belle & Sebastian"?

@ohk Oof and you're hired.

camelface (#4,600)

@Choire Sicha@facebook LOL look at how high your number is, loser.

cherrispryte (#444)

@Choire Sicha@facebook MANDATORY IQ TESTS FOR THE TWO HUNDRED AND THIRTY-TWO THOUSANDS.

@Choire Sicha@facebook You forgot your commenter password again, didn't you?

Thanks to Gawker, I know what it is, so just e-mail me if you need a reminder.

skahammer (#587)

It's about time the Baby Boomers started to relinquish their iron grip on power.

Phew.. No listing for director of boners. My login still works!

roboloki (#1,724)

jeff barea will see you in his office now.

skahammer (#587)

I'm keeping my powder dry for the "Yakkin' About Baseball" auditions. That's still a thing, right?

Flaneur (#998)

You know who else held commenter auditions? Hitler.

@Flaneur He certainly gave out gold stars.

Sarcastro (#328)

@Clarence Rosario Delicious.

Ed Hart@facebook (#232,207)

I'm Awl choked up! Awl I ever wanted! Awl be really good at this, Awl the time!

Awl be waiting by the phone for your cawl!

Vulpes (#946)

Re: #1: I thought that slot was taken by about half the commenters already?

Vulpes (#946)

@Vulpes Oh, and "Indulge!" "I-670 E and I-270 N, 16.7 mi, 23 mins."

SanFranMan@twitter (#232,208)

"Pay: 0"?

I might as well go blog for HuffPo or be some kind of altruistic volunteer!

RickVigorous (#214)

The requirements for #5 are just plain mean.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

@RickVigorous I can't believe you're upset about #5 when #3 is the real atrocity!

RickVigorous (#214)

@DoctorDisaster I thought I might have a shot at that one.

Mount_Prion (#290)

Conveniently, this came ~2 weeks after the poorly written, pissy note I wrote AJ about killing Pope Peeps' account, where I said I was done commenting on there.

I mean, it's been like 2 years since my Gawker star's been cool enough to use in bar flirting anyway.

jolie (#16)

@Mount_Prion Cripes, Peeps was still there???? Next thing you're gonna tell me that Unfun is still banging on about how great her ass is.

misslinda (#18,409)

@Mount_Prion We all knew there could only be one Peeps.

BadUncle (#153)

@Mount_Prion Since the Great Schlaughter that also took out Peeps, I really only comment on IO9, anymore.That said, I almost arose to HamNo's doggie clickbait by posting my dog. Which I will only do here:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/funnystigmata/7090549903/in/photostream

Unfun (#232,219)

@jolie My ass is still fabulous. Maybe a bit flatter, I am aging.

City_Dater (#2,500)

@jolie

Your recall of strange and inappropriate thread-jacks is astonishing. (I love you!)

@Unfun Good Rebuttal!

Unfun (#232,219)

@NotAndersonCooper I try.

@BadUncle I got booted off of Io9 too! I made the mistake of criticizing the movie-television-comic entertainment and science-news-recap site for once actually being about books.

@Mount_Prion Considering who AJ is and what his project is, he was right to kill me. He doesn't really have the skills to get around or above or beside culture, so he's bringing in people who dive right in and luxuriate in it. He's building SomethingAwful V2.0 (his Deadspin "blood, sweat" soldiers' stories feature is cribbed STRAIGHT from SomethingAwful), so wiping out all the malcontents is necessary.

@jolie I was there. Now I'm not. I don't like what he did to the place. I'm considering folding my Gawker story into my actual, real website. You can sort of get to it from here. It seems weird to be using this avatar somewhere else, but I figured I might as well say hi to the old guard.

Can I just say that I joined Gawker through Ana Marie Cox, back when she edited Wonkette, under a different pseudonym, in around 2005.

It's amazing when I think about it. My coffee/lunch-break/slacking hobby outlasted every relationship in my life by a wide margin.

jolie (#16)

@Jeremy Mesiano-Crookston lAHSLKHLKSHGDLKSHDG PEEPS!!!!!!! COME TO THE AWL SIDE!!! WE HAVE PIE!!! (Choire even makes the crusts from scratch!) Oh my God so many old timers comin' 'round! It's like The Big Chill up in here!!!

@jolie I've been here for years. I just almost never commented. I signed up under my real name as an exercise in internet honesty. I just never commented. I'm more a reader here than a commenter.

iplaudius (#1,066)

@Jeremy Mesiano-Crookston I can't believe they terminated your account. I like your writing — the humorous and the serious stuff alike — and I am always interested to know what you have to say, when you decide to take the time to make a comment.

Whatever you do with all those pearls, now that the swine have been taken away?

;-)

iplaudius (#1,066)

@iplaudius Compliment fail:

*Whatever WILL you do with all those pearls, now that the swine have been taken away?

@iplaudius Eat them? Then… poop?

BadUncle (#153)

@Jeremy Mesiano-Crookston Peeps! You and Moff and Brak were about the only things going for I09 commenting. And panning for book gold has become too much work. So – where now can a regular joe like me get reviews of worthy Sci Fi reads?

@BadUncle Oh my lord I honestly have no idea. I've been severely disappointed in both Io9 and the sci-fi books world in general since I picked up the heavily loved "How to live safely in a science fiction universe", which was a disaster of length and depth.

@BadUncle Also yeah, the Io9 boards got weird and dull and terrible, and frighteningly hostile to anybody new. I don't know what went on there, but it's a giant orobouros of infinite self-reflexivity and everyone seems peculiarly middle-aged.

jolie (#16)

@Jeremy Mesiano-Crookston Well I hope you'll reconsider that position. I miss you, Peeps!

newtojezebel (#232,210)

I'm so nervous about my audition!

Vulpes (#946)

@newtojezebel "My audition! My audition seems so smart, but I'm scared about my audition!"

BeRightBack (#59)

@newtojezebel Let's make out.

cherrispryte (#444)

@newtojezebel This made my day, right here.

myfanwy (#1,124)

@BeRightBack *Call me

automaticdoor (#11,521)

@newtojezebel This? This is an amazing username/comment combo. Be proud. Made my fucking day too.

@newtojezebel God I wish I wasn't JUST NOW seeing this.

Snertly (#10,083)

AJ's worried about his inbox overflowing, so he now asks that resume submissions be made by way of Twitter.

Printersanonymous (#232,087)

Speaking of possibly disbarred lawyers, I haven't seen OMGPonies! anywhere. I miss that drunk bastard.

conklin (#364)

Slow news day?

dekko (#3,027)

I wish to be the one who complains about the order of lists, starting with this one, in which #4 should CLEARLY be above #2.

Printersanonymous (#232,087)

Ooh! Can I be the Texas Apologist? The one who cringes and tries to convince everyone on the east coast that we're not all Bubbas every time some dick from the State Legislature tries to pass anything? I need backup. Where is Lobstr when I need him…

lobstr (#971)

@Printersanonymous Howdy y'all.. you rang? :[]

Jasmine (#8)

This is the wrong post for an earnest comment but I can't help myself: the commenters here are so much better than, well, anywhere. /earnest

Second the people who said to fire Balk and also to bring Jess Coen back.

@Jasmine BRING BACK JESS COEN DRESSED AS BALK.

mathnet (#27)

@Choire Sicha@facebook FOR A ROOFTOP PHOTO SESSION

Sarcastro (#328)

@mathnet We're naming the boy Chorielawsonbalk Von Gawker.

mathnet (#27)

@Sarcastro Fine, but his initials are still L.O.L.

BadUncle (#153)

@Sarcastro I read that as "Chorielawnboy"

Smack (#95)

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? I HAVE STARS.

BadUncle (#153)

@Smack My god! You're *full* of stars.

BadUncle (#153)

No slot for the 4chaner posting only memes? MFW!

Hungry Hippo (#5,878)

@BadUncle ZWK?

Multiphasic (#411)

I only ever comment to make Joel Johnson love me.

Multiphasic (#411)

@Multiphasic (And there's my submission for #1.)

Multiphasic (#411)

@Multiphasic I've got the sinking feeling my obsession with this whole AnimalNY thing is just another incarnation of "Quit trying to make 'fetch' happen."

I secretly (heart) Choire. Can you add a stalker category? If not I would be happy with either number 3 or number 5. I have to disqualify myself from number 2 due to fact that I refuse to pay my cable TV bill due to my qualifications for number 5.

@Gary Michael Porter Also my Klout score is down to 46.75 this morning, and I would like to get it back up to 50 if at all possible. Thank you.

Vulpes (#946)

@Gary Michael Porter I think Jolie has the stalker category all locked up.

jolie (#16)

@Vulpes I WAS GONNA SAY. Get to the back of the line, Gary.

zidaane (#373)

There's a weird sort of not-ironic-enough misogyny in this piece that's really fucking annoying to Neel Shah.

cherrispryte (#444)

@zidaane I was looking for the "bitchy self-righteous feminist" commenter type, and then I realized that's just mostly me, or else a combination of 3 and 5.

zidaane (#373)

@cherrispryte Choire was afraid to piss you off so, I corrected that oversight.

cherrispryte (#444)

@zidaane Now if only I could somehow get Abe Sauer to be afraid of pissing me off …..

Minou (#258)

It's all fun and games until you guys decide to start a dating site, I post my profile as a joke (or at least so I claimed!), I miss the edit/remove window, and then have to delete my commenter account in order to destroy the evidence. Let's do that!

hapax (#6,251)

@Minou Last I heard, that job was outsourced to eHarmony.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

Do you people read Gawker or something?

young preeezy (#44,987)

Brilliant.

'Whatever. I don't care. This site started going downhill anyway when ______ left and _______ took over as editor. So have a nice, slow death, Awl. I didn't even TRY that hard to get a star in the first place, and it's soo much harder to get a star on Deadspin anyway, where I also had stars, so HA, joke's on you.'

Nrbelex (#1,742)

Are we all posting here to show off our account #s?

Because mine isn't that high…

BeRightBack (#59)

@Nrbelex Yes.

hman (#53)

@BeRightBack Yes.

djfreshie (#875)

@Nrbelex

sure

Minou (#258)

@hman Absolutely. (Also: Hi!)

BeRightBack (#59)

@hman YOU!!!!

dokuchan (#540)

@Nrbelex Yes!

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

Possibly.

julebsorry (#5,783)

@Nrbelex Quit it wit' your humblebraggin'…

mathnet (#27)

@Nrbelex Suck it.

#56 (#56)

@Nrbelex Even the peasants have low numbers. It's like golf scores, right?

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@#56 Seriously, someone trade with me.

sakade (#52)

@Nrbelex That's the only reason I comment.

Jasmine (#8)

@Nrbelex TOTALLY.

Tuna Surprise (#573)

@Nrbelex

I'm willing to sell my three digit number to the highest bidder

Moff (#28)

@mathnet: You know what a perfect number is?

Jasmine (#8)

@sakade I rarely comment. Realizing I should show off this baby more often. And by "baby" I mean "totally inconsequential number"

rzokeefe (#152)

@Nrbelex absolutely

christhesaint (#2,523)

@Nrbelex how dare!

christhesaint (#2,523)

@christhesaint damn!

@Nrbelex It's not the number size that matters. It's the motion of the notion.

How's the air up there?

melis (#1,854)

It's like Murderer's Row in here.

@Moff Ooh ooh! I DO.

ericdeamer (#945)

The higher the better is how it works right?

Brunhilde (#1,225)

@Nrbelex Like there's ever a better reason to comment?

Sarcastro (#328)

@Moff It's 10. For my ass.

Pop Socket (#187)

@Nrbelex Absolutely.

SeanP (#4,058)

@DoctorDisaster could be

SeanP (#4,058)

@SeanP Jesus, I commented because I couldn't remember my user number, thinking that if was embarrassingly to high, I could just delete the comment. Curse you, lack of editing function!

ohlyme (#114)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose I have to post just to find out if the internet is mine, all mine!

@boyofdestiny No.

hazmathilda (#839)

@Nrbelex ^^^

Pixa (#232,255)

@ericdeamer Nice post.

automaticdoor (#11,521)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose Mmmm, Capri Sun! I think there should be more tiers though. (And more tears. Always more tears.) There's a hell of a difference between 10,000 and 200,000.

or is there?

@Nrbelex I'm just posting to see what my number is.

DennyCrane (#1,803)

I can't BELIEVE you're wasting time talking about commenting when Anna Paquin is having a baby.

(How did I do?)

binkysdream (#173)

Insidery!

julebsorry (#5,783)

@binkysdream: & servicey!

NinetyNine (#98)

They like talking about their glory days, generally.

Vulpes (#946)

@NinetyNine Good for them!

belltolls (#184)

I have two Commies. They are on the mantle next to my other awards.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

@belltolls What the hell kind of open caption is that?

chrissth (#250)

@belltolls I was 86'd from the Gold Star Motel for trashing the room.

belltolls (#184)

@chrissth I auditioned just at the time the Gold Star Motel was being retired and Commie-ism was taking hold. I sent in a couple of comments to get approved and nothing happened…for months. Then I sent the same comments in –on totally unrelated posts — and I was approved.

If the auditions include a casting couch, I call dibs on braiding Balk's back hair.

Printersanonymous (#232,087)

@SarahHeartburn I want to know who will braid Balk's Cock's back hair.

sixlocal (#296)

HOW DO I UNINSTALL 'THE AWL' FROM MY COMPUTERMACHINE?

deepomega (#1,720)

We're still looking for a sexually predatory stalker-commenter since Barea never returned.

DoctorDisaster (#1,970)

Speak for yourself.

melis (#1,854)

i will do this thing
heyyyyy doctordisaster

cherrispryte (#444)

@deepomega As if Barea was the only predatory stalker-commenter …..

Tully Mills (#6,486)

@deepomega Maybe someone is rebuilding Barea? Into, I don't know, some kind of bionic man?

djfreshie (#875)

Pay: none. Benefits: none. Social rewards: none.

fuck. you tell me now?!

sigerson (#179)

Is this the snarkist posting ever on The Awl? Choire – seems a little catty / beneath you. What next? Emily posts something about "The Worst Person on the Internet"?

julebsorry (#5,783)

@sigerson: Shh or they'll start talking about Julia Allison again.

zidaane (#373)

@sigerson Is this the internet's worst person? Sure, why the hell not.

Urbania (#94)

Coupe de grace asking for the hot eye candy Angry Accessibility Expert.

DennyCrane (#1,803)

I don't understand. Where are the posts about dogs looking at themselves in the mirror?

Urbania (#94)

Oh and I thought you guys were doing great again when you ran The Underminer pieces, but it really was over-over after that.

keisertroll (#1,117)

This is what happens when I ask for a raise.

mathnet (#27)

@keisertroll They gave me a crippled dolphin.

hman (#53)

@mathnet BERN.

CookieGuggleman (#232,216)

Now where do I go to get my reputation back?

The alt-texts have really gone downhill.

breccia (#2,412)

is my number cool yet?

ejcsanfran (#489)

@breccia: No.

Odm (#11,228)

@breccia Aw man I'll never get to be cool

paperbackwriter (#2,844)

No comment.

TableNine (#1,104)

Wait, who do I complain to about getting my lower number reinstated? I used to be a twenty-seven back when it meant something.

mathnet (#27)

@TableNine YOU WERE NEVER A 27.

TableNine (#1,104)

@mathnet damnation. I have a dream that my children will one day post on a website where people will be judged not by the content of their replies but by the number assigned to them when they register to comment.

Multiphasic (#411)

So I originally earned my star through, I believe, a lewd comment about Joan Walsh. I can't believe Gawker would just scrub the memory of that off the Internet.

CookieGuggleman (#232,216)

@Multiphasic We will Never Forget.

Comic Sins (#232,217)

@Multiphasic I don't remember when I got my gawker star, who gave it to me or what I said in order to receive it. I don't care about losing it, since I'm not sure I'll ever convert my account and continue commenting. But I am kind of mad that I can't remember anything about it.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

@Multiphasic I was really disappointed when Morning Joe said they'd be right back with Joe Walsh, and instead I got her. But she does a mean "Funk #49," so it turned out OK.

sigerson (#179)

@Comic Sins – I remember losing my star. The pain seared into my memory. I suggested that when a certain gay Rutgers student threw himself off the GW Bridge, his roommate (a certain webcam afficionado) would not face any legal liability (based on my understanding of the applicable law, which turned out not to be correct).

NinaHagen (#131)

I was busy claiming my Facebook email – did something happen?

Leon (#6,596)

Who the fuck would read a website full of ex-gawker schlemiels?

8. The agree-er: Can you suck up ruthlessly to a series of thin-skinned writers and editors who don't bother to take criticism? Remember, the "a" in "quality" means "AGREE OR DIE".

9. That mid-30s guy: Do you miss your glory days of TEAM SPORTS? Do you like feeling BRO-TASTIC? Remember your FRAT? Do you ALL-CAPS in REGULAR CONVERSATION? Boy have we got the FUCKIN PLACE for YOU (also say fuckin', for fuck's sake).

10. Junk lover: Are you able to jettison the reason you came to a blog in the first place, and embrace its slow transition to pop-culture-news-meme-aggregator-movie-review site? If so, have we got the place for you (trick! It's all of our sites!)

mathnet (#27)

@Jeremy Mesiano-Crookston 11. Can you create endless new emoticons that I love?

@mathnet haha oh SHIT man, I was actually trying to find those the other day? Let's see what characters work on the AWL comment board

dammmit! nothing works!

Okay this one I call: "that guy who makes artisanal smoked bacon marmalade wearing a vintage sherrif's hat and wearing a really unfortunate moustache"

€│:-╢)

SuperMargie (#1,263)

I usually fill the role of the indignant midwestern type, but Abe Sauer does it much better than me. Until he goes insane and start cussing all over the place. WELLSTONE 4/EVAH!!!

fek (#93)

Too insidery.

@fek Think of it as Alumni Day.

8. The Serial Flounce-Off-in-a-Huff Commenter: "I just want to tell everyone that ever since x I can no longer comment on this site in good conscience. So I'm outta here. For good. DON'T try to beg me to come back — it's no use. I know I've said this a few times before, but this time I mean it!!"

Multiphasic (#411)

@MisterHippity +1! In fact, we should start our own off-site commenter community.

@Multiphasic : "OffAWL.com : A Place For Leftovers"

@Gef the Talking Mongoose "The Inclined Plane: Where tools get primitive!"

Pikadar@twitter (#232,322)

@MisterHippity Gawd. What is with these "cool kids?"

DON'T BE AFRAID TO BE SERVICEY.

myfanwy (#1,124)

@MisterHippity *cervixy

heartbreakturnip (#1,190)

Hey Mate! Why not just title this, @Choire is Himself @Choire's Platonic Ideal of at least 5/7 of all Commenters?

– Submitted and Notarized, Smoking (heh) Hot Man Diddling Diller

mathnet (#27)

ALUMNI DAY NEWS REPORT: Sarcastro and I got married and I'm pregnant. Everything worked out foreal, Tionna!

@mathnet Mathnet's a girl???

@MisterHippity First Lolcait, and now this!

@mathnet Fuckin Sarcastro!

mathnet (#27)

@NotAndersonCooper That's how fetuses get made.

Sarcastro (#328)

@mathnet WAIT?! WHAT?!

mathnet (#27)

@Sarcastro (He knows we're expecting a baby, you guys. He just doesn't understand sex.)

Sarcastro (#328)

@mathnet … 45 seconds of "work" begets a lifetime of responsibility.

PimpMyCouch (#232,228)

@Sarcastro It's true! I sent you a bath mat!

Sarcastro (#328)

@PimpMyCouch It is a luxurious bath mat. A perfect bath mat.

@Sarcastro A bathmat once showed up on my doorstep. I left for the coast the next day.

Sarcastro (#328)

@NotAndersonCooper It's the stork of bathroom accoutrements, the bath mat. A towel warmer presages a vasectomy.

jolie (#16)

Mathie & Sarcastro, congrats to you two crazy kids! I saw LOLCait at a holiday party and he told me you got hitched … I think I squealed loudly in response. As I do.

mathnet (#27)

@jolie Thanks, sweetheart!

@mathnet OMG I thought you were joking when I first responded to this … Congratulations!!

mathnet (#27)

@MisterHippity I have a feeling almost everyone does. Which, of course, is endlessly amusing! Thank you!

forrealz (#1,530)

RONBO FOREVER. last.

@forrealz laster.

In joke. (Snarky parenthetical interjection!) In joke.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

This post just reeks of Commenterist privilege

@IBentMyWookie I hate your commenter number.

Snertly (#10,083)

@Clarence Rosario Ask any 1%. Bigger numbers are better.

skahammer (#587)

Seriously, I miss everybody. Turns out the GWB era wasn't a total loss after all.

sakade (#52)

[Joke about Butterfinger Buzz] [BRING BACK DAVID CHO]

@sakade Now with more fart jokes!

IBentMyWookie (#133)

Oh, can I be the commenter who reads anti-Semitic subtext into everything?

Sarcastro (#328)

@IBentMyWookie SURE JEW CAN.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

@Sarcastro I should have expected this sort of response from a self-hating commenter such as you. I guess I was expecting too much from the liberal blogging establishment that takes its orders from Hamas (Hamas is the name of the Awl's IT guy)

Sarcastro (#328)

@IBentMyWookie Don't mind me, I'm just an Arafathead.

dado (#102)

@IBentMyWookie Chaim Gnudelstein excluded.

@IBentMyWookie : Not so fast — there are protocols for this, y'know.

Magister (#1,444)

This post should contain a trigger warning.

PimpMyCouch (#232,228)

Hyperbolic comment comparing this turn of events to a mass genocide/natural disaster/ill-advised foray into war!

IBentMyWookie (#133)

But on the real: none of this matters without KarenUhOh

dado (#102)

@IBentMyWookie I've often wondered what became of A Dismal Scientist as well.

PimpMyCouch (#232,228)

@IBentMyWookie THIS. WIN. COTD. +1.

@IBentMyWookie Her pun-answers got shorter and shorter until she folded herself into a hyperdimension. Now she lives as a single point on a cartesian plane of comedy, endlessly laughing at her own unity.

LanaDelMeh (#207,596)

@Jeremy Mesiano-Crookston she is now one with the commentator God

jolie (#16)

@IBentMyWookie Also: WHERE THE FUCK IS SMAILS???? Can someone post something about Morrissey so he'll know to come 'round?

SkinnyNerd (#224,784)

@IBentMyWookie She used to comment here. I have not seen anything by her in a while.

SkinnyNerd (#224,784)

@SkinnyNerd Found her.

Helman (#209)

@jolie I MISS SMAILS!

christhesaint (#2,523)

@IBentMyWookie Trixie from Toronto? JoshSpeed? Dorothy Mantooth? MOMO? The list goes on.
And now I'm sad and wish I were 27 and clever again.

mathnet (#27)

ALUMNI DAY NEWS REQUEST: What ever happened to ellagood and her Deadspin commenter boyfriend whose "name" I forget? They moved in together AND THEN WHAT?

dado (#102)

@mathnet They gave birth to Jesse Oxfeld.

PimpMyCouch (#232,228)

@mathnet I believe they got married? Her boyfriend was Chief Wahoo, I think. I remember him talking about it in DUAN once.

Oh, erm, um…/dick joke?

@mathnet His name was Chief Wahoo … and they got married!

mathnet (#27)

@MisterHippity Realllly? WAHOO! Give them my best somehow?

mathnet (#27)

@mathnet Wow. Two Gawker/Awl marriages, at least! How many bonings? *bag o' popcorn*

Minou (#258)

@mathnet I can't even begin to imagine, and now I feel like I should start asking people about their commenter name status before I take my pants off.

Chief Wahoo (#232,240)

@mathnet Very happily married for a year and a half now, thanks for asking!

ELLAWAHOO (#232,242)

@mathnet GREETINGS FROM MARITAL HELL, ER, BLISS!!

LOVE, ELLAWAHOO

@ELLAWAHOO Oh you crazy kids…

Wait, it's legal to marry other commenters? Holy shit, I wish I'd known before I married a non-commenter.

mathnet (#27)

@ELLAWAHOO I love your new name! Just five months for us. SO FAR. Very glad to hear that you two are happy too!

pissy elliott (#397)

Reveal: I'm American Dreamer.

Multiphasic (#411)

@pissy elliott I am no longer ConBon.

zidaane (#373)

@Multiphasic I really miss that avatar.

Pikadar@twitter (#232,322)

@pissy elliott Well, it's about time. The speculation has been *endless*.

Madfall@twitter (#232,232)

"Pay: none. Benefits: none. Social rewards: none"

"Sure. Everything. After a while, you can call bartenders and Faro dealers by their first names. Maybe two hundred of 'em. Rented rooms you live in, five hundred. Meals eaten in hash-houses, a thousand. Home, none. Wife, none. Kids… none. Prospects, zero."

Natzzzzzz (#7,318)

When I read some of Denton's complete and utter condescension towards the commenters yesterday, I actually said out loud at my desk, "is this guy serious?" And i'm someone who can't stand a majority of the people who comment over there.

Then I went to take a smoke break because I felt so uncomfortable.

@Natzzzzzz You mean Dauleiro? Did Denton write anything yesterday? What was it?

jolie (#16)

@Jeremy Mesiano-Crookston Service-y!

@jolie That is weird because previous to this he has always maintained that he was all about the money.

So I guess it was "boredom. Snobbery. Narcissism. Stubbornness. Intoxication. Immaturity. Treachery" that inspired him to take Fleshbot off their links and not kowtowing to advertiser demands.

@jolie It's funny how asinine his responses are sometimes. Even though he's very good at constructing sentences, the underlying thoughts are just wrong with even ten seconds of thought. The commenters are being too cliquish today? And yet there is no such thing as the "glory days" of Gawker? You can't have the historical comparison run both ways. Either things CAN and do change over time and commenters were worse, and there were better days, or things are always the same, and commenters were always dicks. I'm with the second one. Commenters were always dicks.

And his paean to being "not about business". Well, that's great, but then what exactly IS he about? In past, he's justified everything he's ever done in light of business success, and today he still does. His defense of AJ is fundamentally "oh we have 2 million viewers". Great. And that's not about business? The reason he isn't all about business is that he's not 100% cat videos? That's slightly ridiculous.

I wish he'd just be perfectly honest about things and admit that he's shucking his audience for a new demographic. Instead of 24-35 year old media-interested smart oddballs, he's going for 18-24 year old kids who like to laugh at videos of hippos farting, and read about the internet.

automaticdoor (#11,521)

@jolie I think my favorite part of it was when Nick was all "I'm surprised I haven't heard about the 'golden age' of Choire Sicha." Sorry, Nick, anyone who would have complained about that has either a) quit reading Gawker in favor of more awesome websites (that Choire is currently *at*?) and/or b) still (kinda?) reading, but knows that complaining is basically wasting time that could be spent doing other, more valuable things, like watching a corgi get vacuumed.

El Matardillo (#586)

I'm still waiting for that article on Aubrey Plaza.

SkinnyNerd (#224,784)

@El Matardillo I am looking forward to Friday for Blue States Lose.

Helman (#209)

Ah, yes. Blue States Lose never got old. Also: The Unethecist? Bowl of awesome.

Sarcastro (#328)

@Helman I miss BSL more than most things I miss.

roboloki (#1,724)

this has been the greatest thing on the internet today (and i looked at some midget/tranny porn just to make sure).

lovelettersinhell (#13,711)

At one point in time I was a jezebel starred commentor. Now that screen male can't comment at all, even as a pink person. Which should I be more proud of?

Khurzad (#4,595)

Is there still room for lurking?

zaraa3lina (#232,147)

@Khurzad no

hman (#53)

TedSez is way too good for this post.

What? Why do you need to apply to be a commenter? Aren't comments automatic? Do you need to apply to be a commenter here?

In any case, I'd like to apply for the Clueless Commenter Who Can't Understand Irony.

bevan17eia (#232,177)

Excellent post. I was checking continuously this blog and I'm impressed! Very helpful info specifically the last part :) I care for such information much. I was seeking this particular information for a very long time. Thank you and good luck.

pissy elliott (#397)

@bevan17eia STAB BABY

Senor_Wences (#2,234)

I'm old. I want soup.

@Senor_Wences Hola senor. Forwardmotion here….if I lived closer I would bring you some slightly stale and crushed saltines

ililialu9 (#232,312)

i mis my childhood days…..

perkin0ris (#232,258)

lol

I'm fairly surprised that this thread hasn't resulted in some sort of petulant world-beating rage-trolling from the infant-men that run the sports site?

Classy to the last. You'd think people who were professional dicks for a living would be a little less sensitive, and a little more confident.

snoclone (#9,985)

@Jeremy Mesiano-Crookston I guess even professional dicks can become less sensitive after years of locker room towel snapping.

josh_speed (#97)

this is like that dream one has where everybody one has ever met in one's life is there, context-free, but just as beloved. also: i think you're missing a slot for passive-aggressive Canadian commenter always referring to "up here".

cinetrix (#47)

Graveside bukkake. [shows self out]

ericdeamer (#945)

Everyone knows Gawker's sucked since Elizabeth Spiers left. Whatever happened to that clown they brought into replace her anyway?

spacegod@twitter (#232,380)

I remember when sucking was a good thing.

snacktastic (#232,385)

Troll Dolls are offensive to the Old Norse. I suggest you all think a little more about not offending our Viking Brethren and a little less about making others adhere to social moires.

GuidedbyVices (#232,347)

This about the South, isn't it? Well, there's racism in the North, too! Typical New York condescension…

saythatscool (#101)

It's getting to be that a guy, a regular guy, can't even go on a four day glue huffing binge without missing some shit.

GermFreeAdolescent (#232,441)

Guys, I may be late to this game, but it's so good to see some familiar snark. Even Peeps is here!

It's been lonely.

400570828@twitter (#247,613)

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