Monday, March 26th, 2012
21

Rick Perry Almost Killed Me This Weekend

Among the many awful, tasteless, grotesque and sometimes actually funny things that were said at the Gridiron Club Dinner this weekend in D.C., one of those dress-up events where the press and politicians cozy up, this thing was said by Texas Governor Rick Perry: “I like Mitt Romney as much as one really good-looking man can like another really good-looking man—without breaking the law in Texas.”

Have you ever been innocently reading a news article on the Internet and had the experience where your vision slowly becomes obscured, as if a red velvet curtain is being lowered in front of your eyes, and little black sparkles with white outlines dance in the foreground, and every muscle in your body suddenly contracts, and then a bit later you come to, slumped in your chair, blood mixed with drool running down your chin, your socks soaked with sweat, covered in gooseflesh head to toe? That is a rage blackout, and that is what Rick Perry did to me by saying this. I hope that he is leisurely eaten alive by a pack of rabid gay kittens.

21 Comments / Post A Comment

lbf (#2,343)

it's funny because institutional homophobia.

BadUncle (#153)

I love all these weiner-eating politico photos. There oughta be a Tumblr dedicated to smarmy snossage snogglers.

BoHan (#29)

As per routine, our Rick forgets there is no longer a Texas sodomy law (Lawrence v Texas). So yeah, he can totally sex Mitt Romney and rumor has it he just might be good at it.

jfruh (#713)

@BoHan Ah, but didn't secretly Lawrence end up really saying that you just can't have sodomy laws that discriminate based on sexual orientation? Like four of the five justices in the majority said "Sodomy laws are unconstitutional" but Sandra Day O'Connor's concurrence said "Sodomy laws that only apply to man-on-man are unconstitutional." I'm pretty sure that as a result Texas cheerfully passed a gender-blind sodomy law, and when two of its sponsors shook hands after the vote passed the legislature, a wit (Molly Ivins?) said "But I thought it was illegal for a dick to touch an asshole now!"

I could be making this all up/misremembering it, though, so please correct if so.

jfruh (#713)

@jfruh (Not that all gay sex is buttsex, obvs! though clearly that's what Rick Perry was thinking of. He probably thinks about it a lot!)

Ham Snadwich (#11,842)

@jfruh – Not all sodomy is buttsex either. It's pretty much anything that isn't the ol' man-on-top in-out for the purposes of procreation.

@BoHan Being governor of Texas, Perry WOULD know there is no longer a sodomy ban. He is saying he would totally sex Romney up, but doesn't love Romney enough to beat him.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

Texas, Saudi Arabia, Uganda.

That image is uniquely horrifying. I think it's the skin texture, like in The Fly when it's obviously a fake Jeff Goldblum head vomit-dissolving John Getz's hand. You're all "yeah, that FX skin looks weirdly stiff and the wrinkles are kind of too deep, like they were made specifically to show up under studio lighting" but then you think "I dunno, maybe Brundleflies really would have that sort of weird dead-looking skin anyway" and all of a sudden it looks REALISTIC AS HELL. Anyway.

Alternate take.

zidaane (#373)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose It's the infantile hand holding the corndog that is throwing it all off for me.

@Gef the Talking Mongoose He is one wrinkly cuss.

deepomega (#1,720)

@zidaane oneinfantilehand dot tumblr dot com

deepomega (#1,720)

Hence my theory that Rick Perry is the handsome stand-in for Texas's ACTUAL governor, who is incredibly ugly and also incredibly aware of the fact that he is in any way responsible for his state's laws and cultures. Rick was a used car salesman, and they surgically implanted an earpiece that is used to whisper talking points into his skull.

MParcells (#375)

@deepomega If that dude's got an earpiece, he's not hearing it so well. Or maybe he's just going off book all the time.

@MParcells – Clearly hackers have taken control of the signal.

@deepomega : Been reading Neal Stephenson's back catalogue, have we?

deepomega (#1,720)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose "In 2007, it was described by writer Cory Doctorow as an 'underappreciated masterpiece'" is literally the least compelling claim I've ever heard.

@deepomega : Haha, basically!

It's not great.

BubblesBurbujas (#4,160)

I heard the most disturbing story from a male friend in Austin about his weird chat with the Rick at a social event. He said Perry reached out and fondled his earring, and continued doing so for the entirety of their short conversation. he just . . . kept fondling it. My friend said he was helpless to stop him.

I so look forward to Perry's inevitable public psychotic break.

Danzig! (#5,318)

@BubblesBurbujas Maybe it's just me but I like to thing that Perry just really loves shrooms.

Also it's weird to run into random people you follow on twitter elsewhere on the net. Keep up… the good work? You're a joy to read.

El Matardillo (#586)

Unfortunately, all the rabid gay kittens are over at Gawker feeding on the new commenting system and crapping in Gabrielle Darbyshire's office.

Though you might find some over at Crasstalk.

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