Wednesday, February 22nd, 2012

Religious Observances, In Order Of Popularity With Secular America

35. Makahiki
34. L. Ron Hubbard's Birthday
33. Solstices
32. Pioneer Day
30 and 31. Eid al-Adha & Eid al-Fitr (tied)
29. Purim
28. Diwali
27. Ramadan
26. Lent
25. Pesach
24. Epiphany
23. Equinoxes
22. Yom Kippur
21. Baptisms/Brises
20. Funerals
19. Wakes
18. Yule
17. Festivus
16. Advent
15. Day of the Dead
14. Celebrity Day
13. Sundays
12. Thanksgiving
11. Channukah
10. Easter
9. Bar/Bat Mitzvahs
8. St. Patrick's Day
7. Carnival/Mardi Gras
6. Birthdays
5. Christmas
4. Halloween
3. St. Valentine's Day
2. Weddings
1. Saturdays

Richard Morgan lives in New York, where his first adult trip involved him handing out evangelical tracts at 14th St and 1st Avenue, as well as giving testimony on the 6 train of his personal relationship with Jesus Christ.

38 Comments / Post A Comment

KenWheaton (#401)

War. On. Christmas.

mathnet (#27)

SECULAR BLASPHEMY. Lent has fried fish. Solstices have BBQs and candlelight, respectively. Valentine's Day blows, as does St. Patrick's Day. Thanksgiving has stuffing and board games. Wakes are top-ten. YOU HAVE ANGERED THE NON-GODS.

Astigmatism (#1,950)

Equinoxes would be OK, but I always feel like I have to get dressed up and the people are assholes.

myfanwy (#1,124)

@Astigmatism And nobody bothers to co-ordinate the potluck either.

@Astigmatism Ahem. That's equinoCes, sheeple. You're welcome. Namas te.

laurel (#4,035)

All of the above :D

keisertroll (#1,117)

Remember, Satanists: Only five months and two days until I turn 28!

BardCollege (#2,307)

I would rank Halloween and Thirsty Thursday much higher.

@BardCollege Where do you stand on Doubleshot Tuesday?

Thanksgiving is religious? That is news to me.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@major disaster
Who'd you think was supposed to be getting thanked? Your mom-in-law?

@Tulletilsynet Hey, I'm willing to admit I might not know my history very well if that's the case, but I have never known Thanksgiving to have any religious undertones at all. (And as a general rule, I can assure you it is possible to be thankful for things without directing one's thanks at anyone or anything in particular.)

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@major disaster
I would do that as a party trick, if I could. If a lot of pragmaticians would invite me to a party and get me drunk enough.

@major disaster Hee! In my family, Thanksgiving's actually considered a religious holiday, and worse than that, one of nationalistic lies perpetrated by a fanatic evangelical Christian order. (Or whatever. I LIKE TURKEY!) But we actively Do Not Observe and in fact counter-program against it. But then we don't consider the equinoxes religious, because they're from the Goddess, obvs, and that's natural.

keisertroll (#1,117)

@Choire Sicha I won't celebrate Thanksgiving as a Mormon holiday until after I die.

Thanksgiving is awesome! We celebrate having a feast with the indians, then we kill them and take their land. it's very american.

Astigmatism (#1,950)

@Fishnets and Cigarettes I don't know why they keep showing up for this, year after year.

@Astigmatism Those who cannot remember the Destiny are condemned to Manifest it. Or something.

Azi @twitter (#11,216)

Those Jewish holidays in order of how guilty you're supposed to feel on them:

1. Saturday
2. Purim
3. Chanukka
4. Pesach
5. Yom Kippur
6. Bar/Bat Mitzva

Tulletilsynet (#333)

Okay, if I were making up Scientology? I would keep "Celebrity Day" a big secret that only double-dyed initiates are allowed to know about. I would hide that shit away like Mormon undies. Obviously my marketing instincts suck and I will never invent any halfway lucrative religion.

keisertroll (#1,117)

@Tulletilsynet Your science fiction isn't pulpy enough.

keisertroll (#1,117)

Also, you guys totally missed Toyotathon.

mathnet (#27)

@keisertroll And Lobsterfest!

keisertroll (#1,117)

@mathnet Lobsterfest is not a recognized Keisertologist holiday.

keisertroll (#1,117)

@mathnet Cookie Time, however, is.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

@keisertroll No Rocktober?

jfruh (#713)

Marriage was historically a state-sanctioned means for consolidating land, simplifying family law, and controlling women! In the West, religion didn't hijack it as a "sacrament" until the 11th century.

Rollo (#3,202)

@jfruh Genuinely curious: you study this kind of thing in school or something? You seem to have instant access to lots of religious-historical type knowledges. (JUST TRYING TO GET TO KNOW MY FELLOW-COMMENTERS)

jfruh (#713)

@Rollo Many years ago I was a history major and then spent 2 1/2 years in grad school with the intention of becoming a history prof, focused on what the biz calls "Late Antiquity" (i.e., late ancient/early middle ages, i.e., fall of Rome). But I quit because grad school and academia are terrible! Now I just like to read about history a lot because I'm a nerd, which is much more fun.

Rollo (#3,202)

@jfruh That's autodidactastic. I'm glad you're sharing your erudition with us instead of wasting it on some lousy college students. (I mean some of them literally have lice – I'm assuming that figured into your decision to quit. Good call.)

davbrokes (#219,870)


Judaism FTW!

Or, for Southern readers, Seventh Day Adventism FTW!

I get pretty religious on Super Bowl Sunday.

Tyrantanic (#13,751)

@Clarence Rosario i'm more blasphemous on that day

bobnavies (#220,224)


lil0monster (#221,003)

What about New Year's? Why did this not make the list? Drunken glory that trails after Christmas, admitting to your friends you got high in your mom's bathroom xmas eve and you want to lose 15 lbs? That time of your life you get to be a little selfish and hope for a better future of yourself? Just saying…

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