Thursday, January 26th, 2012
23

Yes, Let's Make The Moon Part Of America

As someone with a very serious interest in seeing Newt Gingrich at the top of the Republican ticket, I was initially disheartened by his recent promise to put an American base on the moon that would eventually become a state. The idea that the moon—a giant piece of space garbage which even Science has admitted is completely worthless—might get itself two (no doubt obstructionist) Senators and a representative in the House is almost too much to take, because it is the moon. It deserves nothing but scorn and pillage. But then I remembered that Republican industrial and environmental policies are essentially designed to promote exploitation and decay, and I suddenly realized that, yes, we should ABSOLUTELY put a base on the moon, and then do to it what we're doing to our own planet. Go Newt!

Photo by fotum, via Shutterstock

23 Comments / Post A Comment

C_Webb (#855)

The moon is a blue state, because the moon is cheese, and cheese is more likely to be blue than red, unless you're talking about that crazy synthetic port wine cheddar spread that comes in a plastic tub, which is fabulous on Ritz crackers but not so good for government and unlikely to be found in space.

(Whoa. Not sure if I need more coffee or less.)

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@C_Webb Mmm. Delicious green government cheese.

C_Webb (#855)

@boyofdestiny That's just the sun shining on the blue, silly.

hockeymom (#143)

@C_Webb Port wine cheese! My favorite dinner at college. No Ritz crackers needed. Just a knife and a tub of processed cheese. mmmmmm….so hungry….

C_Webb (#855)

@hockeymom When my mom would spoon it out of the container and serve it in a little china bowl for company, I KNEW THEY WERE IMPORTANT BECAUSE OH SHIT THAT'S FANCY.

Bittersweet (#765)

@C_Webb: Wow, reliving my childhood here. Did your mom make veggie dip with Lipton's onion soup mix too?

C_Webb (#855)

@Bittersweet Oh, yes. And spinach dip with frozen spinach and Hellman's mayo. I still love all those things … the only one that almost put me in Food-Focused Therapy was the abrupt Proustian recollection of eating BUTTERED WHITE RICE. Minute Rice. With butter. Except we didn't use butter. So Minute Rice yellowed with margarine. God, I hork a little even thinking about it.

Brunhilde (#1,225)

@C_Webb Oh God. The Minute Rice with Parkay. I had forgotton. And now I can't un-think it :(

@C_Webb my dinner in college would be white rice, butter, salt and brown sugar. delish.

jkonrath (#9,354)

The moon would almost certainly burn more federal tax dollars than it would supply, so I'm guessing it would be a red state.

I think the tough part is going to be finding the appropriate tools to carve the ten commandments into whatever monoliths we uncover up there.

Ham Snadwich (#11,842)

So the Republicans are just blatantly lifting policy ideas from James Bond plots?

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@Ham_Snadwich Better to steal Bond plots than The Tick plots.

Ham Snadwich (#11,842)

@boyofdestiny GOOGLE RO-

"The world is nearly all parcelled out, and what there is left of it is being divided up, conquered and colonised. To think of these stars that you see overhead at night, these vast worlds which we can never reach. I would annex the planets if I could; I often think of that. It makes me sad to see them so clear and yet so far." Cecil Rhodes

The moon ends every sentence with "babe" no matter who it's talking to.

alorsenfants (#139)

@My Number Is My Address
Not sure — but I think that is the best sentence I have read in ages. Thanks.

(Can I steal it?!)

melis (#1,854)

@My Number Is My Address No, it doesn't.

alorsenfants (#139)

Also — Alex — I miss the old days when you called it "The Fucking Moon"

deepomega (#1,720)

MINE IT TILL IT'S HOLLOW

stuffisthings (#1,352)

Five bucks says moon-men get the vote before D.C.

DMcK (#5,027)

I can see Russia from the Moon.

Ralph Haygood (#13,154)

If Newt Gingrich and his supporters could be sent there in perpetuity, I'd be for it.

SeanP (#4,058)

Just what I'd expect to hear from Balk, a noted Sun apologist.

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