Monday, January 9th, 2012

What We'd Do With $15.5 Million in Funding

With Buzzfeed announcing a fresh $15.5 million in funding today, on top of its previous $11.5 million in funding, all web properties should stop and ask themselves: what would you do with that cash? We already have it planned!

• office radio with AM and FM.

tiny house collection in the middle of the office's sculpture courtyard.

• a "sympathy big board," displaying only least-viewed blog posts.

• Ben Smith's younger, weirder cousin from Ditmas Park, Yaniv Smith.

• an actual awl.

• basement meth lab (because media companies just becoming tech companies is very 2011; 2012 is about dreaming bigger).

• a fearsome, extremely pretty, trilingual and totally useless secretary to be cruel and witty to visitors—preferably Jessica Joffe.

• multimedia vacation autoresponders!

• one each of the Romney brothers and the Huntsman sisters.

• a pancake machine.

• a team of twenty developers to work day and night to create an easy css hack that allows you to flow text between multiple divs in a CMS that also works in IE, because what the heck, how is this even still a thing?

• paywall, obvs.

• wet bar.

• raw bar.

29 Comments / Post A Comment

petejayhawk (#1,249)

We demand a picture of an awl on The Awl.

15.5 million could surely pay for a newsletter.

sigerson (#179)

@armagnacforbreakfast – yes, one that appears regularly in my email inbox, AS PROMISED

Mike Dang@twitter (#42,746)

Choire, I will give you $15.50 to buy an office radio.

keisertroll (#1,117)

@Mike Dang@twitter They probably have four awls already.

jolie (#16)

An armoire for the pile of sweaters
A cigarette vending machine stocked with Winstons, American Spirtits ( yellow) and Marlboro Reds
Test kitchen
Catmint patch
Spare awls
John Lobb shoeshine kit
A bowl of mixed nuts, heavy on the cashews

max bread (#5,970)

You guys couldn't handle a pancake machine.

keisertroll (#1,117)

With $15.5 million, I could finally lose my virginity.

camelface (#4,600)


moneyfetish (#13,643)

Give David Shapiro $1M to start a hedge fund. Balk could be your Macro strategist.

I hear foosball tables are making a comeback.

C_Webb (#855)

@Clarence Rosario The Barbie one at FAO Schwartz is only 20K!

Scott Lamb@twitter (#203,045)

Fingers crossed for a wet raw bar.

cherrispryte (#444)

Maybe it's time to empty out the change bowl again?

jolie (#16)

@cherrispryte This was a joy to rewatch. And I didn't even cry when Cat made his appearance!

brent_cox (#40)

With that you should be able to buy Yahoo!, right?

RonMwangaguhung (#3,697)

@brent_cox AWLYahoo! would be so ferrealsies

sharilyn (#4,599)

Not enough bars.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@sharilyn Pull-up bar.

No 40 acre bear refuge at tip of lower Manhattan?

BadUncle (#153)

What? No luxury submarine?

deepomega (#1,720)

@BadUncle Austerity affects us all.

BadUncle (#153)

@deepomega Maybe Choire should plant a Victory Garden at the Awl summer mansion.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

Moon Hate Club T-shirts

iplaudius (#1,066)

That is not what DIVs are supposed to do. Stop thinking creatively.

(One JavaScript developer can help you with that, BTW.)

zidaane (#373)

@iplaudius Imagine how many Hungarians they could buy.

RonMwangaguhung (#3,697)

AWL sponsored GOP Presidential debate with anatomically correct Balk Cock ™ mics for the candidates …

deepomega (#1,720)

Uh, haven't we covered this before?

sigerson (#179)

- a daily podcast, featuring Balk
- ANOTHER daily podcast, featuring Choire
- Ad-Free Fridays
- Acquire MediaTakeOut
- Bring on Bill Keller, Doris Kearns-Goodwin and Mika Breszinski as guest columnists
- spinoffs ("Gypset" to cover the "gypsy hipster set" in their farflung, hip travelspots, from Montauk to Marfa, "Fire Island" to cover, well, Fire Island; "DP" to cover porn; "Yakkin'" to cover sports; and "Impaction" to cover finance and business).

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