“Researchers report in the journal Tobacco Control that nicotine gum and nicotine patches designed to help smokers quit aren’t any more effective than going cold turkey when it comes to keeping smokers off cigarettes for longer than a few months,” but they are very nice to have if you’re going to be trapped on a plane for more than a few hours. In related news, a British government committee has suggested that “abstaining from alcohol at least twice a week would help people’s health,” which, whatever, I’m not a scientist so what do I know, but the fact is abstaining from alcohol even once a week results in terrifying shakes and near-lethal boredom. Your health is a small price to pay. Even more frighteningly, Science may soon put forth “a natural substance that keeps [fun people] sober no matter how much they drink, neutralises hangovers and eventually breaks the cycle of alcohol addiction.” It’s getting to the point where I’m going to run out of excuses. Man, now I want a smoke/drink.