Tuesday, November 22nd, 2011
19

This Thanksgiving, Remember You Will Die

"When your relatives force you to look at photos on their phones, be thankful they no longer have access to a slide projector. When your aunt expounds on politics, rejoice inwardly that she does not hold elected office. Instead of focusing on the dry, tasteless turkey on your plate, be grateful the six-hour roasting process killed any toxic bacteria."
Science has some tips on how to handle Thanksgiving. Your main takeaway? Be more grateful. I can actually endorse this idea, although not necessarily in the way it is suggested here. My personal technique for coping with the holiday is to remind myself that even though I had the misfortune to be born and have spent this burden of sentience mostly in suffering and sorrow, there is nothing I can do that will prevent me from dying, and, actually, quite a few things that will help hurry it along. No matter how bad things are, I remind myself, they will eventually end. And then I don't feel so bad! Oddly, this trick does not work for Christmas, which seems to go on FOREVER, but it has definitely helped me make it through many a November.

Photo by Poznyakov, via Shutterstock

19 Comments / Post A Comment

mjfrombuffalo (#2,561)

On Thanksgiving Day I'm mostly grateful for alcohol.

DSearls (#9,468)

It'll all be yesteryear soon…

MParcells (#375)

Those suggestions just make me more depressed. Instead of dealing with the existing problems, I'm stuck focusing on politics, the inexorable march of technology, and the eventual world domination by superstrong bacteria.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

The concern troll of everyday life.

Mr. B (#10,093)

But what about ze blowjobs??

I'm grateful for hot water and electricity and that I have the good sense to decline invites to a bunch of awful gatherings.

jolie (#16)

@NotAndersonCooper And also that you have the good sense to attend any and all Awlful ones!!

@jolie Baby, you're the greatest. Yes!

Drew Robertson (#3,552)

OK fine but what's the weather forecast?

roboloki (#1,724)

gloomy with a chance of despair.

koko (#11,361)

"Instead of focusing on the dry, tasteless turkey on your plate, be grateful the six-hour roasting process killed any toxic bacteria."

Yeah, unless your grandfather with (at the time undiagnosed) Alzheimer's disease is in charge of cooking the turkey, and does not set the oven for the correct temperature, so when he goes to serve it, it is still raw and bloody……which happened to our family about 10 years ago. Fun times!

gfrblxt (#11,113)

@koko You can't leave us hanging like this….how was the turkey?

koko (#11,361)

@gfrblxt Oh, it was delicious when we finally got to eat it around 10:30 pm!

hockeymom (#143)

The Thanksgiving fighting began today.
We're having the meal at my mother's house and my husband innocently suggested we move the time by an hour to maximize Packer viewing. This idea was greeted with a full-fledged freak-out by Italian mother-in-law, followed by much crying, guilt-giving and hanging up of phones. By both parties. So they're not talking. GOOD TIMES, ALREADY!
*I'm just going to be over here, sitting in the corner, drinking wine. For two days.

roboloki (#1,724)

the 2011 beaujolais nouveau arrived just in time (i'm averaging a bottle a day).

alorsenfants (#139)

@hockeymom – No no, I've got a day's leg up on you? (Wait for it) My Ex-Wife and (3rd?) husband are coming to town this year, and they're wailing that we're doing two different styles of paella instead of the traditional. Hubby doesn't eat rice, she implores, too fattening. Whatever! Don't come!

I know there's a pickleback or three somewhere in the proceedings, just as I get some consolation from the fact that because I have a restaurant, the keys to said establishment, and control over the wine inventory… I will win… not those muthas.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

I love you, Balk. Happy Thanksgiving!

RonMwangaguhung (#3,697)

Happy The-Sickness-Unto-Death, Balk.

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