Monday, November 21st, 2011
17

"Menopause is the victory lap over the curse of being born female!"


After menopause, I discovered the joy of drinking wine, and of sinking deeply into writing and time alone. These things replaced the sex drive I had thoroughly cruised down as a youth, exploring one dead end, detour, and unpaved dirty road after another. I have refused to take the libido-restoring male hormones constantly proffered me by this culture and Suzanne Somers and her hordes of apologists and postmenopausal cougars…. I am old now: gray, wrinkled, tired, and bloated, and my joints ache, too. But I am ready to come into my full destiny—as my childhood dreams predicted—as a Neo-Amazonian Pirate Queen of my own vessel: firing cannonballs at the worldwide culture of patriarchy in the name of all that does not suck. I no longer fear moving on to a better existence than this one, which is, of course, no existence at all.

HOLY MACKEREL.

17 Comments / Post A Comment

Caroline (#181,974)

Yes!!!! how sweet it is,not worrying about well really anything!!! So good to read your authenticity!

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

Oh, if you liked that you'll love Roseanne: My Life as a Woman.

roboloki (#1,724)

soooo, i can't enjoy wine until i get menopaused? i've been doing it wrong!

jolie (#16)

How pissed do you think she's going to be when she finds out she could have just, like, taken some Zoloft and had the same effect well before menopause kicked in?

Kate Aurthur (#7,431)

@jolie I'm pretty sure Roseanne has been prescribed every psychotropic there is.

City_Dater (#2,500)

@jolie

However, Zoloft does screw with one's ability to consume alcohol in quantity, which would interfere with her plan to spend her sunset years snockered and writing, a propect that probably fills someone with terror. Maybe Tom Arnold.

Well, post menopause is pretty much the same for me since I'm still a boozy, cranky hussy. I guess not having a book deal or any kind of publisher puts limits on obsessive self description. But then my gynecologist pretty much put a kabosh on defining oneself with peri- pre- and post menopause. As she kvetched at me one day, (in Spanish)"WE DON'T NEED A MILEPOST DEFINITION BASED IN AN EVENT THAT OCCURS SOMEWHERE IN OUR FIFTIES TO DEFINE EVERY MOMENT OF OUR LIVES. Now scootch down and breathe in."

City_Dater (#2,500)

@SarahHeartburn

If discussion of menstruation in any form can be avoided, I say by all means avoid away.

Trilby (#3,897)

It took me like 10 minutes to recognize Rosanne during which time I was puzzling over how Choire was born female and I never knew it.

mrschem (#1,757)

well sisters, I had to google 'ROFLMFAO.' so I learned something.

sox (#652)

Jesus H Christ. I somehow saw that photo as Martha Stewart (which I was on my way to commend Choire for finding such a fantastic gem) and therefore read the whole quote in her voice and then at the end I misinterpreted holy as Holly and then realized my error.

I highly recommend you go back though and read it as Martha. So. Much. Better.

Lockheed Ventura (#5,536)

I think she is spot on, and she is looking pretty hot these days in a neo-pagan gilf sort of way.

A joint blog by Roseanne Barr and Sinead O'Connnor would make for some entertaining reading.

melis (#1,854)

"[I]n the name of all that does not suck." Eerily similar to Be Less Stupid, no?

Trilby (#3,897)

"I have refused to take the libido-restoring male hormones constantly proffered me by this culture" This is what threw me, I see now! Male hormones are being thrown at her? Meanwhile I have begged my dr. for female hormones because my body is trying to turn me into a man (thickened waist, shrivveled ass, randomly spoinging chin hairs) and she won't do it! Something about my heart. Please!

Jasons_Johnson (#3,341)

Nothing interests me more than listening to women talk about who they should and should't be based entirely on the functioning status of their uterus. Furthermore, I am fully entranced by any discussion that compares the lack of blood coming from vaginas as a way to fully embrace some bullshit in the name of taking down patriarchy.

Trilby (#3,897)

@Jasons_Johnson Well, then, clearly, this discussion is not up your alley! Maybe if you HAD a vagina….

Vera Knoop (#2,167)

@Jasons_Johnson Well as long as you're entranced, we can all rest easy. That is, after all, what we're all here for. Especially Roseanne.

Post a Comment