Tuesday, October 18th, 2011
157

Pizza Toppings, In Order

18. Mushrooms

17. Anchovies

16. Chicken

15. Olives

14. Eggplant

13. Extra Cheese

12. Ham/Canadian Bacon

11. Spinach

10. Broccoli

9. Peppers

8. Bacon

7. Plum Tomatoes

6. Meatballs

5. Fresh Garlic

4. Onion

3. Ground Beef

2. Pepperoni

1. Sausage

Photo by Seth W., via Flickr

157 Comments / Post A Comment

Murgatroid (#2,904)

I think you pressed "1" one too many times on spinach's ranking.

@Murgatroid If it's not good enough for Papa John Schnatter, it's not good enough for me.

skywalker (#240,350)

Incredible points. Sound arguments. Keep up the amazing work. benefits

Miles Klee (#3,657)

ONION OVER MEATBALLS JESUS CHRIST YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING

sharilyn (#4,599)

@Miles Klee – I thought EXACTLY the same thing.

peculiarity (#93,622)

Bacon only comes in at number 8???? Get the f*ck off the Internet! BACON!

SeanP (#4,058)

@peculiarity Normally I've been just skipping past the ___, in order, posts, but in this case I feel compelled to post the opposite opinion. Bacon on pizza? And ahead of mushrooms? What the actual fuck?

keisertroll (#1,117)

NO PINEAPPLE?!!!

jolie (#16)

@keisertroll In the tags

keisertroll (#1,117)

@jolie That's fine. I read the most books, so it's my pizza party, and I SAY WE'RE GETTING PINEAPPLE.

lurkystars (#3,581)

@keisertroll I love pineapple, but tropical fruit has no place on a pizza.

keisertroll (#1,117)

@lurkystars Pineapples also have no business under the sea, but they're awesome, so there.

JKJV (#1,068)

@keisertroll
It still exists!
http://www.bookitprogram.com/

deepomega (#1,720)

You know what…? I agree. I completely agree. For the first time in TheAwl's history, a listicle has been agreed with. Let's go get a pie!

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

@deepomega Swap olives with ground beef and I'm there.

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@deepomega The reasonableness of this listicle can only be described as unBalkian.

Bittersweet (#765)

@dntsqzthchrmn: Ditto. Really the only acceptable vegetable on a pizza.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@dntsqzthchrmn @bittersweet @boyofdestiny @deepomega
YES. The degradation of mushrooms thing I can forgive, and chicken should not even be on the list, at all? But whatever, okay.

Olives, though, are worth a bottle fight.

C_Webb (#855)

@Tulletilsynet THANK YOU. No chicken EVER. Especially not "buffalo chicken," because, double eww.

Oh, so you're one of those no mushroom people? Sad.

jolie (#16)

@Clarence Rosario I'm legitimately disappointed by this! I had a higher opinion of Balk! (Why?)

Ledrew (#654)

@Clarence Rosario Hey, BALK! Mushrooms here. FUCK YOU. (Strongly worded listicle to follow.)

hockeymom (#143)

@jolie That tag is bullshit. I say that FOR THE RECORD.
Also, broccoli?
Really?

jolie (#16)

@hockeymom Don't look at me. It's Balk's bullshit list.

Aloysius (#1,808)

So that crumbled parmesan doesn't count?

jhjhjhj (#7,025)

HOW DO YOU FOOD SO WRONG EVERY GODDAMN SINGLE TIME?

jolie (#16)

@Meredith Fay Lovelace It's his superpower

Alex Balk (#4)

@Meredith Fay Lovelace ME FOOD GOOD!

barnhouse (#1,326)

@Meredith Fay Lovelace I am terribly upset about the mushrooms. In fairness, though, he has a very very good recipe for Bolognese sauce.

boysplz (#9,812)

@barnhouse A very good recipe for bolognese sauce that I put mushrooms in! That'll teach him to share on the internets.

jhjhjhj (#7,025)

@Alex Balk I'll concur that the ranking of fresh plum tomatoes seems right and thank you for not even bringing up the sun-dried variety.

GailPink (#9,712)

Meatballs will ALWAYS be #1!!

keisertroll (#1,117)

@GailPink Meatballs III will always be dead last.

hockeymom (#143)

And thank god you reminded us about the raw slug thing, or it might have made my personal listicle.
A LIST THAT INCLUDES PINEAPPLE.

DennyCrane (#1,803)

"Plum tomatoes" are a standard topping? I've never seen those offered as a topping anywhere.

melis (#1,854)

@DennyCrane For that matter, on what fucking planet is eggplant standard?

@DennyCrane @melis Planet New York.

DennyCrane (#1,803)

@Clarence Rosario I live in NYC. Never seen plum tomatoes as a topping. I HAVE seen eggplant, though I don't know if I would consider it "standard."

Brunhilde (#1,225)

@DennyCrane Also, people actually get ground beef on pizza? Why for the love of God, WHY!?!?

DennyCrane (#1,803)

@Brunhilde I'm guessing Balk may secretly be a Ninja Turtle.

@Clarence Rosario My bad. Admittedly, I live in Brooklyn.

Brunhilde (#1,225)

@DennyCrane:

Flies
Stinkbugs
Penicillin

*RUNS OUT OF THE OFFICE IN TEARS*

jolie (#16)

@Choire Sicha A much better response would be to throw Balk out the window. You'd put an end to your misery and ours.

keisertroll (#1,117)

@jolie Great. Now you have me thinking about what "9 To 5" would've been like with Awl people in it.

jolie (#16)

@keisertroll Choire = Lily Tomlin, right?

@jolie Cho was Roz.

keisertroll (#1,117)

@jolie I was going Dolly Parton for Choire, and Dabney Coleman for Balk. But Balk can also be Lily Tomlin.

keisertroll (#1,117)

And against type, Gutty will play Jane Fonda.

deepomega (#1,720)

Why the fuck would you put PINEAPPLE on a pizza? It is not a fruit salad! There is NO FRUIT allowed on pizza! Would you slice apples onto a pizza? No. Would you squeeze a tangerine over a pizza? No. So why have we allowed pineapple to make its way into our pizza culture?

hockeymom (#143)

@deepomega Oh. It is ON, Omega. It is ON.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

@deepomega The category of fruit includes tom.. oh never mind.

Tuna Surprise (#573)

@deepomega
It's shocking that some people would have a sophisticated enough palate to enjoy a the point/counterpoint of salty, savory ham with acidic, sweet pinapple.

deepomega (#1,720)

@Tuna Surprise Would you eat oranges on a pizza? If not, you cannot criticize my stance!

@deepomega Even Jello agrees.

@deepomega Orange could work on a pizza. Maybe with some bitter greens and black olives and Parmesan?

deepomega (#1,720)

@happymisanthrope I could see it working in a Fancy Pizza situation, with like radicchio and fontina. But this is pizza toppings in order, not $20 pizzas in order.

Van Buren Boy (#1,233)

ON WHAT PLANET ARE BROCOLLI, CHICKEN, OR GROUND BEEF STANDARD TOPPINGS?

Also, what do you have against fungi!?!

keisertroll (#1,117)

@Van Buren Boy It's mold. Mold on your pizza. Three days before it's supposed to be on it.

cherrispryte (#444)

@Van Buren Boy What is nice about coming into these threads late is you can find someone who's already made the exact comment you were planning on making.

C_Webb (#855)

@Van Buren Boy Ground beef = too lazy to make damn meatballs????

SeanP (#4,058)

@keisertroll Who keeps pizza around long enough to get mold on it? No pizza has ever lasted three days at my house.

Van Buren Boy (#1,233)

I totally agree that sausage is number one but it should be caveated that the sausage must be sliced and not in chunks. I don't want a pizza that looks like a rabbit took a dump all over it.

This whole list is out of order!

keisertroll (#1,117)

Next up: Pizza Sides, In Order Of Psychological Distress

Rosebud (#4,107)

@keisertroll Cinna Stix?

Rosebud (#4,107)

@keisertroll No wait, Hershey's Chocolate Dunkers

keisertroll (#1,117)

@Rosebud those Papa John's liquid garlic containers.

katherine (#10,025)

@keisertroll Wrinkly, wilted pepperoncini.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

@katherine I really, really love those to the point of damaging my esophagus.

mrschem (#1,757)

@keisertroll ring stingers!

Astigmatism (#1,950)

Needs a distinction between flat pepperoni (at no. 24) and cupping pepperoni holding just a tiny little pool of orange grease (at no. 1, 1a, 1b, 2 and 5).

Bittersweet (#765)

@Astigmatism: Orange grease…that you then gently mop off with your napkin.

melis (#1,854)

@Astigmatism With the little crispy edges!

Astigmatism (#1,950)

@Bittersweet Actually, the grease clocks in at 1c.

Bittersweet (#765)

@Astigmatism: Agreed. But tell that to my obsessive calorie counting 15-year-old alter ego, who keeps gently mopping even when I tell her to stop.

assembledwrong (#13,310)

@Astigmatism Cup pepperoni is my life.

deepomega (#1,720)

But and so now how do we feel about crazy bread?

boyofdestiny (#1,243)

@deepomega I'm wild for it.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

brooos, bros. We all know our favorite topping is POTATO.

CaptBackslap (#10,313)

Pepperoni is much too high. It curls up during cooking and becomes little saucers full of grease. Switch that with bacon, and the rest seems about…wait, ground beef at #3? What the fuck? That's the topping my friends and I mock when we're deciding what to to order.

jfruh (#713)

@CaptBackslap You say "little saucers full of grease" like that's bad somehow.

CaptBackslap (#10,313)

@jfruh I was about to comment on the awesome Aldo avatar, and then I saw the screen name and it all made sense.

But yeah, I don't want to have to literally sop grease off my meal with a paper towel before I eat it.

keisertroll (#1,117)

There's a difference between ham and Canadian bacon. You can score a rouge with Canadian bacon.

Dave Bry (#422)

Anchovies should be no. 1. So few people understand this. But it is true.

@Dave Bry You are correct, I don't understand this.

roboloki (#1,724)

"it's like eating an eyebrow."

cherrispryte (#444)

@Dave Bry Are we talking about the traditional anchovy pizza, which has no mozzarella, and is just crust, tomato sauce, diced garlic, and anchovy, or are you putting cheese and fish together? Because the first is delicious and the second is an abomination.

Dave Bry (#422)

@roboloki: Is this why eyebrows are sometimes called "German anchovies?"

@cherrispryte: I know, and in most cases adhere to the rule separating cheese and fish. But anchovies on pizza are the exception that proves this rule. Oh, and anchovies and parmesan in a Caesar salad, too. (Maybe the curing process makes the anchovies into something less strictly fishlike?) Also, as has been noted elsewhere in these comments, clams can be excellent on pizza (as long as you eat it quickly, before the clams turn to rubber.) Lastly, yes, the no-cheese anchovy pizza is great, too.

ayellis (#6,131)

the jews do not approve.
and during sukkot too! for shame.

cinetrix (#47)

With the exception of his absolutely correct stance on pineapple, Alex is, if anything, too liberal. My list is half as long, and that's only if by "mushroom" you mean actual mushrooms and not those button fuckers and by "olive" we all agree NOT the pathetic little sliced, jarred discs of despair.
And he's right, the crust pictured could be thinner, but it's passable because of the cornmeal distribution.

all cheeses are not created equal. extra ricotta? extra parm? extra mozz? and mushrooms. sit down!

KenWheaton (#401)

I pour a little bit of bourbon into my over-cooked pepperoni slices just to cut the grease a little.

Smitros (#5,315)

@KenWheaton Pursuant to this, what kind of bourbon goes best with what kind of pizza. A friend needs to know.

deepomega (#1,720)

@Smitros True fact: Champagne and pizza is fucking amazing. Not in an ironic sense. Not in a "how luxurious!" sense. In a tastebuds sense – the sparkling wine cuts the grease, and it is basically mouth magic.

Smitros (#5,315)

@deepomega Thanks! Must try.

Bittersweet (#765)

@Smitros: Intensive research has found that any kind of bourbon goes best with any kind of pizza. Or any kind of food. Or with no food, just by itself. So just go for it.

KenWheaton (#401)

@Smitros What @Bittersweet said! Though Pappy van Winkle put pizzazz in you pepperoni pizza

brent_cox (#40)

The number one pizza topping is another pizza.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Actually, the number one topping is INVISIBLE BECAUSE IT'S LOCKED DEEP INSIDE THE P'ZONE.

Admit that you put mushrooms last because it would have been to banal to relegate anchovies to their traditionally rated location.

Phil Koesterer (#2,708)

So, so inflammatory.

keisertroll (#1,117)

@Phil K. Correction: InflammaTASTY.

laurel (#4,035)

I am now hungry and angry.

DennyCrane (#1,803)

@laurel hangry, if you will.

laurel (#4,035)

@DennyCrane OH I WILL.

The only thing right with this list is the placement of fresh garlic.

ME NOT UNDERSTAND BIZARRO LISTICLE!

JKJV (#1,068)

Mushrooms at 18? You've been forced to ingest pizzas with white mushrooms, haven't you?

And don't even get me started on ground beef as #3. Of all the….

Brooks (#8,624)

How has no one mentioned the omitted banana pepper? Those are fantastic, especially with chicken.

cherrispryte (#444)

@brooksbmp "especially with chicken" renders your comment invalid.

C_Webb (#855)

@cherrispryte Thank you.

Brooks (#8,624)

@cherrispryte never had a buffalo chicken pizza with gorgonzola? for shame.

City_Dater (#2,500)

Your palate saddens me. Olives really should be right near fresh garlic.
"Ground beef"?!? (Like grey dog food scattered over a pie.)

laurel (#4,035)

@City_Dater: I have a lot of feeelings about this list and yours are a precise explication of some of them.

pufflehuff (#1,850)

List of Baby Bear's preferred pizza toppings, in order:

5. Vegetables (assorted)
4. Mushrooms (any)
3. Scared human flesh
2. Pic-a-nic baskets
1. Sausage

Hmm. Not too far off, Balk.

Tulletilsynet (#333)

@pufflehuff
6. The little jingle-bells you hang on your backpack.

laurel (#4,035)

@pufflehuff: 7. Anchovies, but just the heads.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

At least you got 1 & 2 correct. Jalapenos. Basil.

yomammaisallama (#162,369)

Jalapenos and salami with some ranch dressing on the side.

alorsenfants (#139)

Glaring omission = pepperoncini. You're welcome!

All of New Haven rises up as one and shouts "CLAMS!" almost loud enough to be heard over the OWS mic check…

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

@Krugmanic Depressive: Yeah well, all of New Haven does that EVERY Tuesday.

@dntsqzthchrmn Hobbies: we have them.

Aatom (#74)

If you people keep giving these listicles so much attention, they're going to run for president one day.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

"Listicles that Have Run For President, In Order"

NinetyNine (#98)

"Noise Comments, in Order"

Art Yucko (#1,321)

"Deleted By User"s, in Order

osmium (#7,705)

@NinetyNine Does this mean it's safe to say rude things about Mr. Gatti's again?

assembledwrong (#13,310)

Balk, the fact that eggplant is considered a standard topping and feta isn't completely invalidates this list.

cherrispryte (#444)

The eggplant is of the sliced thin, then breaded and fried variety, right?

hman (#53)

(Oh, I'm just dipping a skinny spoon into my tiny bottle of capers.)

Mr. B (#10,093)

HELLO YOU FORGOT PASTA

cherrispryte (#444)

Things that do not belong on a pizza:
Chicken, Spinach, Broccoli, Ham, Bacon, Ground Fucking Beef, cheeses other than mozzarella or parmesan.

That said:
12. Olives
11. Anchovies
10. Mushrooms
9. Meatballs
8. Onions
7. Plum Tomatoes
6. Fresh Garlic
5. Eggplant (provided it is sliced thin, breaded and fried)
4. Sausage
3. Extra Cheese
2. Peppers
1. Pepperoni

@cherrispryte Again with the mushrooms? Sheesh!

cherrispryte (#444)

@Clarence Rosario Mushrooms are something I'm trying to force myself to like eating, and am not doing so well with that, so it's really an anti-mushroom sentiment rather than anti-mushrooms-as-a-pizza-topping sort of thing.

zidaane (#373)

@cherrispryte Stop trying to make meatballs happen.

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

Unless your toppings combination adds up to a known pizza that has a name in Italy, it is invalid.

Mr. B (#10,093)

@Niko Bellic

pizza : Italy :: the English language : England

Niko Bellic (#1,312)

@Mr. B pepperoni, sausage : pizza :: BTW, LOL : the English language

osmium (#7,705)

'Rocket surgeries, in order'

stuffisthings (#1,352)

Conflict-inducing listicles, in order:
4. Religions, in order
3. Races, in order
2. Love You Feel for Each of Your Children and Spouse, in order
1. This

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@stuffisthings

Ideal Penis Size, in order

What is Wrong with the Political Left, in order

BadUncle (#153)

Though the most glaring problem with this list is the placement of the topping king – fresh garlic – in the fourth position for the race of pizza mayor, there is also the far more egregious dearth of sea food. Oh, Awl! How can you forsake fresh divers Coelacanth?

sigerson (#179)

Extra sauce is MOST DEFINITELY worthy of a top five placement on this list! I am in the "pro-Hawaiian" camp for sure and so love a pineapple/ham combo.

mrschem (#1,757)

no artichokes?

olddirtyvintage (#162,863)

@mrschem Totally glaring omission. Best topping possible.

pufflehuff (#1,850)

@olddirtyvintage agreed! I've been known to ignore 3/4 of the topping of a Quattro Stagione that I really just ordered for the sweet, sweeeet artichokes.

Jay Riemenschneider (#139,623)

Fools. You missed the best one. I feared this would happen as soon as I saw the headline :(

descie (#6,721)

Pineapple isn't on there. Good.

atipofthehat (#797)

PIZZA VERA:

rughetta e bresaola
salsiccia
fiori di zucca
pomodoro, mozzarella, e basilico
prosciuto crudo
prosciuto cotto
mozzarella di bufala
mozzarella burrata
carciofi
olive
uovo sodo
olio extravergine di oliva
rametti di rosmarino
melanzane
stracchino
fontina
ricotta
gorgonzola
funghi

…e basta!

atipofthehat (#797)

@atipofthehat

…Per normale, non invertita.

12345678 (#163,543)

It still exists!

maeve (#163,901)

This is yummy!

Delicious!

Markus (#189,127)

I am now very hungry and angry.))

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