Tuesday, October 11th, 2011
15

It's Time To Mine The Moon

Now I know some of you are not on board with my crusade against the moon. "I like the moon," you say. "It's pretty," you protest. "What about the tides," you implore. Well, screw the tides and screw the moon, because we have just learned something very important that will change your view of that useless satellite orbiting roughly 221,463 miles from the infinitely superior Earth. It seems the moon has been holding out on us. That's right, the moon is loaded with precious, precious titanium ore.

A new map of the moon has uncovered a trove of areas rich in precious titanium ore, with some lunar rocks harboring 10 times as much of the stuff as rocks here on Earth do.

The map, which combined observations in visible and ultraviolet wavelengths, revealed the valuable titanium deposits. These findings could shed light on some of the mysteries of the lunar interior, and could also lay the groundwork for future mining on the moon, researchers said.

That's right, let's MINE THE FUCK OUT OF THE MOON. I want that thing stripped solid. When we get done with the moon I want it to look like one of those states where a total lack of respect for the environment has resulted in the utter destruction of the topography to the point where we have actually BLOWN THE TOPS OFF OF MOUNTAINS. If we are willing to do that to the Earth, why the hell wouldn't we do it to the moon? What's that, moon? You're scared? You don't want the fuck mined out of you? Hahahaha, shake, moon! Shiver! Feel the fear! Because we're coming for that titanium, and we're not going to stop until we take it all. Yes, take it all, moon! Oh God, I can't wait.

Photo by fotum, via Shutterstock

15 Comments / Post A Comment

DennyCrane (#1,803)

Wait …. so it's not made of cheese?

C_Webb (#855)

"Mine the Moon" sounds like it a song sung a cappella at a girls' boarding school circa 1959. Daisy chains were somehow involved.

Mr. B (#10,093)

The "Celestial Bodies, in Order" post, when it comes, will be good, if rather predictable.

jfruh (#713)

Each of Balk's moon posts is laden with more barely concealed sexual violence than the one before it.

#56 (#56)

@jfruh and we're not complaining.

deepomega (#1,720)

@jfruh Slowly, Balk eased his diamond tipped drill bit into the precious moon cavern…

C_Webb (#855)

@deepomega At least the moon probably won't remember it afterwards.

deepomega (#1,720)

@C_Webb If anyone can get the moon blackout drunk, it's Balk.

What, like with limpets?

NFK (#8,747)

Don't forget to grab the helium-3 on your way out.

deepomega (#1,720)

Real talk: I would rather we trashed the moon instead of doing mountaintop removal in West Virginia. Fuck the moon, nothing lives there, let's strip it bare and fill it with all our nuclear waste.

dntsqzthchrmn (#2,893)

Hey, does anybody have an extra ticket for the Antimoon show?

hman (#53)

"It's Time to Mine the Moon" is probably my favorite Magnetic Fields song.

roboloki (#1,724)

the moon is a harsh mistress.

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