Wednesday, August 17th, 2011
24

The Story Of The Moon

"A rock thought to date from the moon's formation points to the satellite being about 200 million years younger than previously calculated, suggesting its history may need to be rewritten." Oh really? Let me handle that for you!

The True History of the Fucking Moon
by Alex Balk

Once upon a time there was a dumbass piece of rock that was floating around in the sky. Now, this rock was so incredibly stupid that it didn't have the goddamn sense to stay the hell out of Earth's way, and, because it was such a shmucky piece of stone, it wound up smacking itself into the Earth and getting dispersed back up into the sky whence it came, collecting a bunch of pieces of dumb space garbage on the way until it turned itself into a idiotic ball full of pointlessness that we would totally be within our rights to blow the fuck up.

The End

Advance praise for Alex Balk's The True History of the Fucking Moon:

"A remarkable achievement. Balk's clear, precise and, above all, accurate prose tells the story of the moon in a way that both the layman and the specialist can appreciate." —Charles F. Bolden, Jr., NASA Administrator

"Finally I can get the fuck out of the Science business. Balk explains it all." —Stephen Hawking

"I was pretty drunk when I was up there, but this sounds about right." —Edwin Eugene "Buzz" Aldrin

"I'll blurb anything!" —Kathryn Harrison

"This was an often difficult journey for me to take, but I can't tell you that it is untrue: I am exactly this goddamn dumb. A fair and probably more sympathetic treatment than I deserve. Man, why am I so stupid and useless? You guys totally SHOULD blow me up." —The Fucking Moon

Look for The True History of the Fucking Moon anywhere books about the Fucking Moon are sold.

Photo by jamdesign, via Shutterstock

24 Comments / Post A Comment

Matt (#26)

CONGRADULATIONS

IBentMyWookie (#133)

I look forward to Chris Noth playing you in the film adaptation.

Joey Camire (#6,325)

@IBentMyWookie I'd rather see Noth play the moon and actually get blown up as well.

deepomega (#1,720)

Needs more Ted Kennedy in a weather balloon.

awlsome (#706)

Goodnight, Moon.

@awlsome [sound of shotgun cocking]

Brad Nelson (#2,115)

Misread the Stephen Hawking quote as "Balk fucks science."

I don't know how this happened.

dado (#102)

"I wish I'd never heard of Alex Balk." — Unit Zappa

Matt (#26)

Gag me with a spoon.

jolie (#16)

@dado "I heard Alex Balk does it with ferrets." — Soleil Frye

@jolie "Furnunculus, Balk!" — Lovegood

Werner Hedgehog (#11,170)

Goddam thing can't even produce its own light, much less hold down a steady job or atmosphere. Watcha gonna do, plagioclase-breath? Tide us to death?

IMPORTANT MISSING BLURB:

"It's high time I started using my platform to advance Balk's important blowing-up-the-moon message." — Stephen Colbert

Matt (#26)

"This account is sorely lacking in one important regard." — Chairface Chippendale

"Now you're doing it on purpose. How juvenile." — Thrakazog

deepomega (#1,720)

@Matt CHA

@deepomega Might make Balk like it?

"Professor Balk has it exactly right. Now get off my back with your creationist bullshit. I had nothing to do with any of this." God

C_Webb (#855)

"I always knew I could do better than the moon." — Christopher Cross

Matt (#26)

RIDE LIKE THE WIND

hman (#53)

I heard Balk deleted every Magnetic Fields song that had the word "MOON" in it off his iPod.

scroll_lock (#4,122)

Onto the next phase in his career: Hawking just signed up for DWTS.

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