Friday, August 12th, 2011
234

Drinks That You Should be Ashamed to Order in Public

● [Good bourbon] and coke

● A body shot

● Vodka Tonic

● Vodka Redbull

● Screwdriver

● Grasshopper/Girl Scout Cookie

● Jagerbombs

● Hard cider

● Black & tan

● Tequila sunrise

● Malibu & ____

● "Whatever she's having"

● Hot Toddy

● Frangelico

● Disaronno

● Ciroc

● ____tini

● Sex on the Beach

● White Russian

● Frozen Strawberry Daiquiri

● Shots with more than one ingredient

● Cosmo

● Pinot Grigio

● Long Island Iced Tea


Aminatou Sow and Phoebe Connelly once asked a bartender to make them pina coladas.

234 Comments / Post A Comment

saythatscool (#101)

Really? I'm not allowed to order a martini in public anymore?

How old are you children?

saythatscool (#101)

@saythatscool Also,there is nothing wrong with a black and tan.

saythatscool (#101)

@saythatscool And I like a screwdriver at brunch. Sorry.

melis (#1,854)

@saythatscool Also, "should be ashamed to order" sounds suspiciously like commentary.

C_Webb (#855)

@saythatscool I'm confused about the wrongness of the vodka tonic, which I consider a basic classic drink, although I prefer gin myself.

@saythatscool There's this under-appreciated drink I like to order called the Get The Fuck Over Yourself

barnhouse (#1,326)

@saythatscool More martinis for us, eh what? And screwdrivers!

Also, Awl, these thumbs-up buttons are behaving in a very wonky manner.

saythatscool (#101)

@C_Webb Jesus, I didn't even see Vodka Tonic on there. Of course I drink them when I'm out. It's the backbone of a debaucherous evening. I'm just going to go out on a limb here and suggest that I've spilled more whiskey raising the glass to my lips than these two will ever have in their entire lives.

@barnhouse More Martinis for everyone! Although they are dangerous. A friend of mine asked for a "Sapphire Martini" (referring to Bombay Sapphire of course) and ended up getting this: http://cocktails.about.com/od/cocktailrecipes/r/sphr_mrtni.htm

saythatscool (#101)

@armagnacforbreakfast THEY PUT CURACAO IN A BOMBAY SAPPHIRE MARTINI

deepomega (#1,720)

@saythatscool: I can only assume the ____ means anything but "Mar". And definitely not a vodka martini.

C_Webb (#855)

@saythatscool I progressed pretty quickly from "confused" to "dismissive." As the grandchild of an Irishwoman whose motto was "I never drink unless I'm alone or with somebody," I'm not gonna let two whippersnappers bother me about booze.

melis (#1,854)

@saythatscool Didn't we already have this argument last week? Can't everyone just drink and let drink?

saythatscool (#101)

@deepomega For certain legal reasons, I'm no longer allowed to drink gin. I tend to get a little hostile and confrontational with people when I imbibe that particularly delightful elixir.

wb (#2,214)

I'm with @deepomega on this one: the shame comes from either ordering a gimmicky-tini or the abomination otherwise known as the vodka martini.

BadUncle (#153)

@saythatscool While on the subject of Martinis, have you tried making one with Boodles gin? It's exquisite (and normally, I can't stand gin).

BadUncle (#153)

@wb The vodka martini is James Bond's martini. Try it with Lillet, instead of vermouth.

saythatscool (#101)

@melis Yeah I think we should all just relax and have this new cocktail I invented. It's vodka, Jarrito's Lime Soda and a squeeze of lemon. I have decided it will be called "Responsibly."
That way everyone in the country can get shit faced drinking Responsibly.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

@saythatscool Isn't that a Yale Cocktail? (Maybe with a dash of bitters along with the curacao?)

wb (#2,214)

@BadUncle Vodka and Lillet seems to drift pretty damn far from anything that might be called a martini (despite what Bond may have preferred; I take issue with shaking over stirring too). It might taste good, but it ain't a martini.

HiredGoons (#603)

@saythatscool: How To Mix a Decent Martini (or, the only way):
I’m here today to expound on perhaps one of the greatest achievements of Man in the past several centuries and a subject with which I am both intimately and enthusiastically familiar. What, you might ask could I, a sprightly young lad still green behind the ears, possibly have to say regarding participatory democracy? Emancipation? The Industrial Revolution?

No, friend, I am not here to give my thoughts on trends and events so far beyond my experience and understanding; but rather to address a smaller though no-less pervasive innovation which I, in my humble opinion, hold in such high regard as the Brooklyn Bridge, the Moon Landing, and the Telephone, as one of the pinnacles of modern civilization.

I am talking, of course, about a dry Martini.

The origins of Man’s Greatest Cocktail have been lost to the mists of time, however general consensus among scholars and barflies is that some brilliant and anonymous figure (possibly the Count of St. Germain) mixed Martini Rosso dry vermouth with gin and realized he had accidentally stumbled upon the cure for inhibition and modesty of speech.

A Martini should be prepared in a standard, conical Martini glass – some establishments will serve you a martini in a coupe glass. These places should be boycotted and harassed with vague threats of arson. They are run by people who want nothing more than to take your hard earned money, and probably water down the liquor anyway.

The glass should not be too large, the size of a standard cocktail glass; otherwise you’re probably drinking in some shitty Midtown lounge or Hookah Bar and I don’t really want to know you and I don’t think very many other people do either.

When it comes to chilling the glass, you have a few options.

Now don’t fuck this up, because chilling the glass is the Key of the Drink; if you’re not going to chill the glass, then you should just stop reading this right now and go open yourself up a tall boy or whatever swill it is you people drink. Chilling the glass is what turns lead into gold and if you don’t want to learn the Secret of Alchemy, then I have nothing to teach you and frankly you can spend the rest of your life wandering in the outer darkness (read: New Jersey).

Your first option is to fill the Martini glass with ice. But which ice? You should be asking.

It’s that half-moon ice with the flat side, you know the one. If you’re going to use cubes or, heaven help you, those cylindrical things with the hollow center then, honey, you’re dead to me. The key is that the ice make the maximum contact with the interior surface-area of the glass as possible, so as to slightly freeze the edges – any idiot can fill a glass with ice water, you must think of it like building a campfire.

The second option is to swish a bit of water around in the cocktail glass, coating the interior, and place it in a freezer for ten or fifteen minutes to create a thin layer of frost and ice, similar to what one would find in après Tennis conversation in a Connecticut country club.

This second method of frosting is likely what you’ll be using because, and let’s be honest, you don’t have any friends to go out to bars with and drinking Martinis alone helps dull the psychic fire as you’re streaming television from Hulu and watching your youth slip away.

Now that a little chill has settled over your cocktail glass and your prospects of future happiness, you’ll want to add your vermouth and gin.

There are two schools of thought on this.

Tradition holds that a typical Martini is 4:1 gin to vermouth. Pouring about 1/2 an ounce of vermouth, you swish it in the glass and allow it to settle at the bottom,, adding two ounces chilled gin (more on this in a moment).

I’m going to level with you here: 4:1 Martinis are for people who go to Radcliffe and who frequent Tapas bars. No respectable Functioning Alcoholic drinks a 4:1 Martini, and if you see one do so you should shoot them on sight and out of principle.

The true mixture of a Martini is at a minimum 6:1 or, if you know-what-the-fuck you’re talking about, 8:1. An 8:1 Marinti was made for Men of Accomplishment, and characters in Noel Coward plays.

How does one make an 8:1 Martini? Winston Churchill was fond of saying the proper Martini consisted of ‘drinking a glass of chilled gin while observing a bottle of vermouth from across the room.’

While there is something to be said about this particular recipe, I will not take drinking advice from the man who bombed Dresden; this is not the drink of a civilized gentleman, but rather of a well-dressed Barbarian (even if he had his Reasons).

To make an 8:1 Martini, you pour a thimble full of vermouth in your well-chilled glass, swish it around once, and toss over your back as Liz Taylor would toss a husband. Then add your well-chilled gin.

How does one chill gin? Good question!

While James Bond popularized ‘shaken, not stirred’ this is in fact a misnomer, and seeing as he drank vodka Martinis and is therefore, not to be trusted, one can discount this adage and in fact use it to spot out people that one should actively avoid.

The true Martini is stirred, and I’ll tell you why: shaking bruises the gin; and honey, if you bruise gin, it’s gonna’ bruise you right back.

Remember that rule from ‘The Craft’ where whatever you do will come back to you three times? Apply that to gin. If you fuck with a Martini, you’ll end up in the drunk tank in downtown Brooklyn at 4am screaming like Achilles and foaming at the mouth like Pat Robertson.

Stir, for your own good.

Now that you have your beverage mixed, we come to the final and most delicate part of the Perfect Drink: the garnish.

There are three acceptable garnishes for a Martini:

1) The olive (a classic)

2) The cocktail onion (?)

3) The lemon peel

Everyone knows a Martini is topped with an olive, right? WRONG. True, the salt does temper the bite of the gin a bit, and I once drank my Martinis with an olive when I Was Once Like You, however this is wrong and like any disobedient dog, you must be corrected.

The proper garnish to a Martini is a lemon peel, known in the vernacular as ‘a twist.’

But isn’t a lemon peel a girly garnish? Isn’t it for fancy-boys and women in pastels?

No, you are wrong, and here is why: chemically, the citric acid of the lemon reacts to the flavors of the gin, made of a delicate palette of herbs, and allows the drink to open up like a drunk sorority chick.

Try it; you’ll never go back.

saythatscool (#101)

@BadUncle Boodles eh? Ok I'll break the fast this weekend and check it out. You may have to come bail me out though. I'll make no promises.

deepomega (#1,720)

@BadUncle: My latest gin interest is Oxleys – very very tasty!

saythatscool (#101)

@HiredGoons That was epic. And now I'm craving gin.
Fuck me.

saythatscool (#101)

@SidAndFinancy Is it any good?

HiredGoons (#603)

@saythatscool *call me

@BadUncle Actually, that's a Vesper. Vodka, gin, Lillet Blanc.

And it's delicious.

HiredGoons (#603)

@saythatscool: "And now I'm craving gin." VODKA MARTINI IS IN FACT AN OXYMORON.

deepomega (#1,720)

@HiredGoons Like ordering a "scotch on the rocks" or "virgin daiquiri," it just tells me why we can't drink together.

BadUncle (#153)

@wb Technically, it's called a "Vesper." But then, replacing an olive with a pickled onion makes a martini a "gibson."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martini_%28cocktail%29

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

@saythatscool No! But I have enjoyed them on occasion.

BadUncle (#153)

@Clarence Rosario Right you are. But if you order a Vesper, most bartenders will give you a blank stare. Thank Merciless Wotan there's a resurgence in Old Man Cocktails. But enough with the Negronis, people. Learn to make a decent Side Car.

iantenna (#5,160)

@deepomega why do you hate my mother? is a scotch and soda ok, because i fancy those on occasion? fuck, it's so confusing, i want to do what's right. bourbon rocks with a beer back, that's still acceptable right?

saythatscool (#101)

@HiredGoons Like I said, I used to drink gin martinis but I have a little problem with them. I don't mind vodka with a little vermouth but it's not my preferred drink these days. That being said your ratios are spot on for a gin martini. My dad actually had a little sprayer that he would spritz the inside of the glass with and then pour his chilled gin from the martini shaker. It was a ritual he would perform at least three time every night he came home from work.

Aatom (#74)

@HiredGoons You are correct in this, as in most things. Love the Churchill quote, although I do have to remind most gay bartenders that it's ok to at least flirt with the vermouth before pouring the roughly shaken and bruised gin into the glass. I also think context is important. I ordered a martini at a cash-only hipster bar on the LES with Rohin Guha once and immediately regretted the decision. Should have gone with the $3 beer.

HiredGoons (#603)

@Aatom: sometimes I stand there and give them directions (wish I was joking!)

deepomega (#1,720)

@iantenna My mother gets scotch+rocks all the time, and I yell at her for it. Bourbon rocks with a beer back is at least an ethos, I guess.

@iantenna : Scotch and soda is absolutely a-OK. Whiskey and soda is even better. Problem is, people usually don't make 'em strong enough. Ice halfway up the glass, whiskey until the ice floats, club soda the rest of the way.

@HiredGoons : Your specific example is in line with the general rule of thumb: shake anything with juice in it, and all other drinks get stirred.

Also, I just keep my gin in the freezer, next to the vodka. Uncap to let it breathe for a minute before mixing and your martinis will be frosty and delicious.

iantenna (#5,160)

@deepomega would my mother's inclusion of a splash of water send you into a blind rage? bourbon rocks with a beer back is an ethos, one that is based on getting as much free alcohol as possible. on a related note, fuck a bar that has beer on tap but says, quote, "we don't do backs."

deepomega (#1,720)

@iantenna The water is acceptable sometimes. Not my thing, but fine. But the ice numbs your tongue and is basically like drinking with a flavor-condom on.

@armagnacforbreakfast Based on the ____tini "Push" by Sapphire

BadUncle (#153)

@deepomega Thanks! I'll be on the lookout.

BadUncle (#153)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose I could not disagree more, and prefer to shake all my cocktails. In fact, I shake my ice coffee, just for the icy fragmentation that strains through. There's nothing more pleasing than that shimmer of a thousand micro-shards of ice refracting light like so many diamonds off the surface of a perfectly-chilled beverage. It promises the slight kiss of a Hyperborean goddess under the midnight sun, and delivers the taste of a better world.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

@saythatscool I used-to-used-to drink gin. Then I ordered a Martini before dinner, and my wife was like, "I thought you said you were going to stop drinking Martinis," so I was all like, "If I told you that when I was drinking Martinis, and you believed me, who's the fool here?" Know what I mean?

Skipdallas (#23,391)

@melis Can't we all just get along and get drunk?

entropos@twitter (#23,439)

@hiredgoons
You're the new king of pretentiousness. kudos.

Jennifer@twitter (#23,744)

@saythatscool If you like Boodles, I highly recommend No. 209 out of San Francisco and Aviation. Both have the nice juniper flavor and taste like Christmas. I like my gin martinis straight up.

Backslider (#819)

You know what, I'm against the very idea behind this article. There is no drink that you should be ashamed to order in public or private. This is America. We eliminated prohibition so people can drink whatever they want, whenever they want.

If you want to sip a chocolate appletini with a strawberry garnish, go for it. You want a manhattan spiked with grenadine, awesome. Bud lite? Natty Ice, Bartles & James? Chug-a-lug my friend. Save your snobbery for some other recreational passtime.

SeanP (#4,058)

@entropos@twitter I don't know – there are an awful lot of contenders out there.

ericdeamer (#945)

So there's something wrong with drinking cider now? Whatevs. (brought to you by the good people at Magners).

Madfall (#9,834)

@ericdeamer There's nothing wrong with drinking Cider, but there's everything wrong with drinking Magners.

tomme (#4,473)

@Madfall Agreed. There are some fantastic small batch hard ciders out there. As the spouse of a celiac, they are a nice option while the rest of the gang is enjoying a beer.

ericdeamer (#945)

I like some of the fancypants smaller batch yadda yadda ones too, but Magners is a good mass market brand and I stand behind my original comment.

@ericdeamer Aspall. ASPALL. That is all.

Cider is children's Applejack/Cavados/etc.

Jhawk320 (#12,513)

So I suppose more importantly, what is acceptable to order in public?

(sorry Miles)
FILL IN THE BLANK TINI ABOVE BODY SHOT YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME

Miles Klee (#3,657)

JESUS CHRIST

Pound of Salt (#15,166)

Oh god what's shameful about a vodka tonic? I've been embarrassing myself for too long.

Hot toddys are drinks best enjoyed when you're grandmother makes it for you.

C_Webb (#855)

@Pound of Salt Don't believe the hype, friend. I'll join you in a vodka tonic anytime (see above).

gimlet (#10,400)

Goddammit, I was with you until the pinot grigio. Why must people hate on white wine so much? It goes so well with food! It's great on a hot day! WHATEVER.

tomme (#4,473)

@gimlet Vinho Verde? Albarino? You can have your white wine and not be boring about it.

BadUncle (#153)

@gimlet Really. What else are you going to order with fish at most Italian restaurants?

srs (#15,773)

@gimlet I'm with you! Some of us get migraines when we drink red wine and need a safe white wine choice. I've never gotten a migraine from 2 glasses of pinot grigio. Chardonnay, on the other hand, has screwed me over more times than I can count.

BadUncle (#153)

@tomme Boring? Maybe – depending on the vintner. Shameful? Number 2 shameful?? Absurd.

tomme (#4,473)

@BadUncle OK, maybe I went overboard, but ever since Santa Margherita became the de rigeur white wine for "ladies who lunch" I've found that to have a decent pinot grigio "out" costs far more than it's worth and one can find a perfectly acceptable white wine that is not French or Italian much cheaper. If you're drinking a pinot grigio that costs less than $10/glass (non-Manhattan prices) it's probably gonna taste like dirty water.

propertius (#361)

@BadUncle If they have a verdicchio or anything from Liguria (vermentino) go with that. May be more expensive, but it's better.

BadUncle (#153)

@propertius Not a huge fan of vermentino grapes, as everything I've tried is a bit too acidic. If in a restaurant that offers northern italian varietals (other than, of course, Pinot Grigio), – I'll usually go for a nice, dry rhiesling.

Smitros (#5,315)

One addition: white zinfandel.

One modification: any shot whose name you would be ashamed to say in front of your mother.

HiredGoons (#603)

@Smitros: Riesling.

wb (#2,214)

@HiredGoons I guess you don't hang out at Terroir.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

@Smitros It's OK for saythatscool, though, as, at any given time, his mother fits the description of several of the shots you have in mind.

saythatscool (#101)

@SidAndFinancy My mom's body shots are quite popular at the Grand Rapids Applebees!

Smitros (#5,315)

@wb What do dogs have to do with this?

HiredGoons (#603)

@Smitros: you obviously don't know my mother.

propertius (#361)

@Smitros Red zinfandel also.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

@propertius WRONG!

propertius (#361)

@SidAndFinancy OK. I confess: zinfandel is great with pancakes or waffles with syrup, and choice of breakfast meat.

That and barbecue.

Smitros (#5,315)

@propertius Not so sure. I've had some very good ones.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

@HiredGoons I dare you to say that with my mother in the room.

Mat Honan (#777)

I will never be embarrassed to order a martini.

A PBR on the other hand…

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@Mat Honan …is always delicious when under $3?

Ben Sherry@facebook (#113,063)

@Mat Honan Is both an embarrassing statement and an awful beverage?

mukmuk (#10,226)

What a troll-ass post this is.
Fuck it, I'm ordering a glass of Merlot on the rocks with a shot of Southern Comfort next time I'm out.

@mukmuk THIS POST HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE "DEFIANCE DRINKING COMMUNITY OF GREATER NEW YORK."

@Choire Sicha or possibly a need for more page views? Seconding the trolly nature of this post. Well played.

@Emily Culbertson@twitter HEH! Nah, these things don't really bring in pageviews. They're just fun for the ANGRY DRUNKS. :)

@Choire Sicha YES. Also for wannabes at work, whom I'm talking to on Twitter.

Annie K. (#3,563)

@mukmuk Oh Southern Comfort, oh. Such fond memories but I never want to see that stuff again as long as I live.

sigerson (#179)

@mukmuk – sounds like a "MAN-GRIA"

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

@Annie K. I think you misspelled "blackouts."

SeanP (#4,058)

@Annie K. Same deal, but Yukon Jack. Or as it's affectionately known: Northern Comfort.

Ben Sherry@facebook (#113,063)

@Annie K. agreed. I can remember four guys (myself included) who had just wanted to watch tv and pregame……… then a lot of tears, puke, and pleas for water. Trying to figure out how to walk. Of course our ego's had insisted we get 100 proof, haha I miss freshman year.

CaptBackslap (#10,313)

That's a lot of words to say "stay away from sugary drinks" (which is good advice as far as avoiding the Irish flu, but I don't see the shame in ordering a White Russian, UNLESS YOU ARE INSULTING THE DUDE, WHICH I WILL NOT COUNTENANCE).

BadUncle (#153)

@CaptBackslap This aggression will not stand, man.

@CaptBackslap Careful, man, there's a beverage here!

Brunhilde (#1,225)

@CaptBackslap I think there's a tall leggy blond somewhere that's been looking for you.

Matt (#26)

Besides, Ordell Robbie hasn't really made an exciting screwdriver since Ray Nicolette shot him in the face.

deepomega (#1,720)

My mom's super wasp-y boyfriend exclusively drinks vodka cranberries made with Rain vodka. Is that a new england thing?

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

@deepomega Yes, since it's also known as a Cape Codder.

techmo (#11,038)

To the authors' credit I believe the "____tini" is meant for things like appletiniss and chocotinis (shudder) not the more traditional martini.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

I was at the bar in the St. Francis Hotel in San Francisco last year, and I asked the bartender to confirm what I thought I had heard from down the bar. Yes, some guy had ordered a Maker's Mark and Diet Coke!

That said, I agree with the comments above about many of the classics on this list: Martinis, black and tans, screwdrivers and vodka tonics, indeed!

Pop Socket (#187)

@SidAndFinancy Maker's Mark is my dividing line. I will drink it mixed or on the rocks. Anything better (Knob Creek, Woodford Reserve, Bookers, etc.) must be straight or over ice. Anything cheaper (Wild Turkey, Jim Beam) has to be mixed. Coke, ginger ale and cranberry juice are my three top choices.

jfruh (#713)

@SidAndFinancy I've been known to order a rum and Diet Coke, which gets you some weird looks as a dude. Ever since I switched to artificially sweetened stuff, real Coke just tastes too cloying, I kind of can't stand it.

I would never put nice whisky into it though. Whisky should be poured into a glass by itself, with nothing else, at all.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

@jfruh Exactly. I joked with the bartender that she should pour me the Maker's neat and give the gent down the bar some Early Times with his Diet Coke. Who would know the difference?

SeanP (#4,058)

@jfruh I'm the same way regarding diet drinks. I was trying to get a gin and diet tonic the other day (I'm so high maintenance!) and definitely got the look from the bartender.

But dude, enough with the rocks-shaming. Nice bourbon on the rocks is awesome.

C_Webb (#855)

And I was so about to go to the gym when I saw this post. I don't know whether I'm more annoyed or relieved. I think I'll make myself a martini; help clarify the situation.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

Dear non-alcoholic beer, I question your existence.

Flashman (#418)

@whizzard I was behind a Chinese couple at the supermarket last night and they were buying a six-pack of non-alcoholic Labatt's or something. Figuring they were tourists I was about to point out, using whatever sign language was necessary, that this was just nasty fake stuff when I noticed the guy was about to pay with Canadian bank card.

iantenna (#5,160)

i would rather party with drinkers of any of the allegedly shameful things you mention than with a fucking craft beer snob.

wb (#2,214)

@iantenna Wanna go get a pint of Pliny the Younger?

Kai@twitter (#12,571)

@iantenna

Agreed! But have you tried Apricat? It's so good it's almost worth the hangover.

deepomega (#1,720)

@wb You been to Mohawk Bend yet? That is a LOT of craft beer.

wb (#2,214)

@deepomega Overwhelming, almost. Food was kind meh, sadly. But god, if you love IPAs (and California), that's the spot to drink at.

deepomega (#1,720)

@wb Yeah the food was a letdown, especially compared to the simple successes of Tony's Darts Away, but whatever: 70 beers on tap. I'll put up with a lot for that.

wb (#2,214)

@deepomega True. For beer drankin', its fantastic.

iantenna (#5,160)

@wb @deepomega get out of my comment's thread you craft beer snobs!

wb (#2,214)

@iantenna I'm more of a wine snob that likes beer.

Ben Sherry@facebook (#113,063)

@iantenna woah woah woah bud calm yourself. It really is better. and your only dick if you refuse a beer when offered based on anything but temperature. Hell I even suffered through a case of natty ice the other day. I mean I wouldn't buy the shit, but it was there. Try a nice IPA sometime. You'll
understand.

How has no one brought up Qream yet???

HiredGoons (#603)

@Choire Sicha: ZIMA.

ejcsanfran (#489)

@Choire Sicha: Because Qream is nothing to be embarrassed about! It's qlassy and the sign of a true qoqtail qonnoisseur.

But Hpnotiq is just nasty.

@Choire Sicha Because it makes delicious cupcakes and therefore does not deserve our ire?

(Also it is important to note that I took mojitos off this list because, UM, IT'S AUGUST, BRING ON THE MOJITOS.)

saythatscool (#101)

@Choire Sicha So you confess to editing this? For shame.

HiredGoons (#603)

@saythatscool: to be fair, he was drunk.

iantenna (#5,160)

@Choire Sicha the thing about mojitos is not that they're shameful in any regard. it's that you've just tied up the bartender for the next 10 minutes and I COULD REALLY USE A FUCKING SHOT OF BOURBON OR 3 DOWN HERE AT THE END OF THE FUCKING BAR, ALREADY!

@HiredGoons LOL! No, I did no other "editing." I let the ladies have their DRUNKEN SAY.

C_Webb (#855)

@Choire Sicha If they're actually drunk right now, I'll make peace with this post by assuming they got their listicle mixed up with their bar tab.

Phoebe (#23,175)

@iantenna Oh, trust me, that's why it was on the list in the first place.

BadUncle (#153)

@Choire Sicha Rum Drinks – Fuck Yeah!

HiredGoons (#603)

This is such Friday comment bait.

SeanP (#4,058)

@HiredGoons Which seems to be a common theme for "listicles".

HiredGoons (#603)

@SeanP: Choire & Alex know their demographic swings toward OCD/RAGE.

deepomega (#1,720)

@HiredGoons /Alcoholism. (Awlcoholism.)

ericdeamer (#945)

What about the cocktail that Michael Ian Black talked about creating in his recent standup special: an Ambien dipped in whipped cream?

Aatom (#74)

@ericdeamer Ooh, I have one of those every night. Except I dip mine in gin.

fm_radio (#21,560)

how did "black & tan" make the list but "irish car bomb" is omitted? CONNELLY you shoulda been on this!

@fm_radio :

IRISH car bomb? Must the Guido-ization of virtually everywhere north of San Pedro force you and me and everyone else in the known world to use this tortured, meaningless phrase? Ever since the rat-bastard Lidacaine-smelling portable vomitorium Red-bull-and-idiocy "car bomb" has turned into the lifestyle drink of choice for self-identified morons, now we have to QUALIFY the ORIGINAL? What you call an "Irish" car bomb is JUST A CAR BOMB. Everything else deserves the qualifier, dammit.

PS: saying "Irish car bomb" means you don't get the joke. It's an IRA in a Guinness, get it? Don't let the assholes take away our sick terrorist humor.

fm_radio (#21,560)

@Gef the Talking Mongoose in my limited experience, it's always been irish and always been shameful — especially ordered in boston! http://enwp.org/Irish_Car_Bomb

Fuck this lazy list: it's not even numbered and in order?!?!?

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@Clarence Rosario Yeah all booze opinions aside, a listicle using bullet-points is no listicle of mine. "…Order in Public, In Order" is much better, you're right.

Urbania (#94)

Er, Black and Tan? Did I miss a meeting or something? Is there a book on Black and Tans at Urban Outfitters and so now they've been shamed? Did too many tshirts advertise them, ironically, like?

DennisSc@twitter (#23,176)

Well gee, I guess because somebody on the Internet posts it without commentary or reasons then I SHOULD be ashamed. I wonder what the author drinks. Anything with vodka, that colorless tasteless spirit should be outlawed.

Mimi Killjoy (#16,236)

@DennisSc@twitter I'm guessing whiskey, scotch, micro brews. They consider themselves serious drinkers. I think it's what we call pretentious.

Pop Socket (#187)

I'm perfecting my new drink: Red Stag and Dr Pepper. I just need a catchy name like Cherry Popper.

keisertroll (#1,117)

@Pop Socket I'd say you should call it a Red Dawn, but I'm using that for my drink consisting of Red Bull & Dawn.

BadUncle (#153)

Also? Good cider should not be sneered at. Norman cider is dry and delicious.

wb (#2,214)

@BadUncle See also: Basque cider. And Asturian.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

I find that the young ladies enjoy a mixed drink. You know, Gin & Tonic, Jack & Coke, Bartles & James, that sort of thing.

HiredGoons (#603)

@SidAndFinancy: cock & balls (I'm moonlighting for saythatscool)

saythatscool (#101)

@HiredGoons I love you both so much. (And that's hard for me to say. I'm an emotionally distant man.)

HiredGoons (#603)

@saythatscool: it's the gin talking, isn't it? DADDDY!!!!

iantenna (#5,160)

fuck everybody in this thread who says i can't put ice in my goddamned bourbon. god, i need a drink.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

@iantenna I'll throw my backwash ice in their face.

@iantenna Thank you. When you live in the South, this is how you have to order a bourbon/scotch drink with water anyway. Because if you order it with actual water, it'll be bourbon tea by the time you finish it.

SeanP (#4,058)

@iantenna Hear, hear. Is it five o' clock yet?

Ben Sherry@facebook (#113,063)

@iantenna I hate that shit too, drink whats good to you, those 'rules' are more like guidelines for whats generally liked. not holy script.

Art Yucko (#1,321)

Jolly Rancher Anything.

HiredGoons (#603)

@Art Yucko: Apple Jolly Rancher Appletinismos!!!

SuperMargie (#1,263)

Apparently, I am just supposed to drink Tom and Jerrys now?
What is the verdict on Jameson and Ginger Ale?

Lisa Pizza (#6,981)

@SuperMargie They're called highballs and if they're good enough for Nick and Nora Charles, they're good enough for me. With the exception of hard cider and hot toddy (what else do you drink when you have a cold and your local bar is on the ground floor of your apartment building?), I agree with this list.

Pop Socket (#187)

@SuperMargie J&G is pretty close to the perfect drink.

@SuperMargie : They are delicious and give you a headache that could bench-press its own weight.

And by "you" I mean "me".

SuperMargie (#1,263)

@Pop Socket THANK YOU! Last week, my dad saw me make a J & G and he reacted as if I pissed on his leg or something.

@SuperMargie They serve Jameson and Ginger Ale at the end of the tour of the Old Jameson Distillery in Dublin.

That's good enough for me!

cory dodt@twitter (#12,071)

OK, I was going to let this whole misguided list slide until someone pointed out that "Hard Cider" is on there. Screw off. Beer is disgusting, so what else am I supposed to drink when everyone is drinking beer (and pretending they like it)?

Pop Socket (#187)

@cory dodt@twitter With you there. In many English pubs its the only thing on tap that's cold.

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@cory dodt@twitter Okay I realize that taste is subjective but if there's one thing I know to be true in this crazy messed-up world, it's that BEER IS GOOD.

barnhouse (#1,326)

@cory dodt@twitter I find it delicious but the problem is that it is much much stronger than you thought.

cory dodt@twitter (#12,071)

@cory dodt@twitter

barnhouse, I don't disagree with you surprisingly. Beer is good, but only in the abstract. I like that beer exists, and people drink it. Just don't force me to do so. Author of this list apparently only likes beer, and would have the world shun anyone who doesn't.

roboloki (#1,724)

i take great umbrage at this listicle. i enjoy/am not ashamed to order several drinks listed and you did not list smirnoff ice. what? the? FUCK?!?!

roboloki (#1,724)

this listicle deserves a "doody" tag.

iantenna (#5,160)

@roboloki it has to actually be served at a bar in order for someone to be ashamed while ordering it. show me a bar that serves thunderbird and we will have our winner.

IBentMyWookie (#133)

This is the most offensive thing I've ever seen on the internet. And I have a VAST child porn cache (some of this statement is untrue. Guess which part!)

saythatscool (#101)

@IBentMyWookie The "vast" part? It's just moderately large, right?

keisertroll (#1,117)

@IBentMyWookie You've had to have seen more offensive things on the Internet.

HiredGoons (#603)

@keisertroll: christ, just Google 'Kardashian.' (why is Google a verb!?)

ejcsanfran (#489)

@IBentMyWookie: "The."

keisertroll (#1,117)

@HiredGoons The Kardashians aren't nearly as offensive as the Armenian genocide joke I was going to make.

Rosebud (#4,107)

The drink in the picture is what my mother had on her and my Dad's 48th wedding anniversary. My sister drove them home.

HiredGoons (#603)

I'm about to meet Mr. Cox for drinks and I'm going to make him drink everything on this Listicle (In Order).

saythatscool (#101)

@HiredGoons Tell him "Go fuck yourself, Brent" for me Goonsie.

HiredGoons (#603)

@saythatscool: shall.

sigerson (#179)
SeanP (#4,058)

@sigerson Ewww. Although there's no fear of me ever ordering one of those, not only because it sounds awful, but also that there's no way in hell I could pronounce it.

jolie (#16)

Huh! Wine with ice isn't on the list?! SUCK MY PROVERBIAL POWDERED BALLS, BALK.

DMcK (#5,027)

Not a drink but belongs on the list anyway: salt & a slice of lime.

s0upStain (#2,152)

Can we get a follow-up post entitled "How to pile all the worst people on the internet into one place" that just links to this?

@s0upStain Don't you think Gothamist commenters would get jealous?

Haha. <3 <3 <3

sullafelix (#11,402)

"I like to have a Martini, one at the very most. Two I'm under the table, three I'm under the host." — Mrs. Parker.

meechybee (#23,231)

The Cosmo needs to be WAY higher on the list. The Cosmo announces to the bar that:
- you are stuck in 1998
- rot-gut vodka is fine as long as it's mixed with concentrated sugar and served in a pretty glass
- you are probably fighting off a yeast infection

this list is dumb – it is really dumb

you shut your whore mouth and make me a dirty martini

then get me a dbl tall vodka tonic

then get me a cosmo just so i can throw it in your face – cause i wouldn't drink that mess…

I'm surprised Bay Breeze isn't on there… not that I know what's even in one, cause I'd never drink one, especially in public.

Mimi Killjoy (#16,236)

@Jess Goodwin@facebook That's probably what these two drink.

Joel Rosenbaum (#6,565)

Jonestown Koolaid didn't make the list?

SeanP (#4,058)

@Joel Rosenbaum you don't order a Jonestown Koolaid, Jonestown orders YOU to drink the Koolaid.

You should be ashamed to publish a list like this in public.

If one hasn't outgrown peer-pressure by 14, one should really re-examine their lives.

Marty@twitter (#23,369)

I'll have a jager bomb whenever the hell I want! Who made this list? I think people should be ashamed to order any low calorie beer

Jon Ward@facebook (#23,373)

so, because some twat on the internet doesn't like mixed drinks, he deems them shameworthy? go back to your cave and drink your horse piss light beer, you uncultured fuck!

Shiva@twitter (#23,379)

I think they typo'd the title. I think they meant "Drinks That You ShouldN'T be Ashamed to Order in Public"

Because it's either that, or they're fucking morons.

Skipdallas (#23,391)

You should be ashamed to order drinks for these two bubbleheads! All the others are OK as far as I am concerned, I may not personally like something, but who am I to tell anyone they should be ashamed of whatever it is they are drinking?

John Z.@twitter (#23,420)

Wow! I'm a former bartender and there is nothing wrong with ordering anything on this list. Most everything on it is very easy to make and requires 30 seconds to pour. As far as shots with more than one alcohol, those are call shooters. A shot is only one kind of liquor.

Black and Tans have been cool since before Aminatou and Phoebe were born, and won't be UNcool anytime soon.

plynch27 (#23,425)

A couple bloggers seem to be suffering from self-confidence issues — no, I'm not a shrink *eyeroll* If any of my customers took this list seriously, I'd be lucky to make $5 on Saturday night. So a Jack and coke is sad, but Dewars and coke — yeah, cool. Frangelico and amaretto — sometimes after queso and a ribeye, you feel like dessert, but don't exactly have room for cheesecake. And as far as the jack and cokes, vodka tonics, Long Islands, etc., do these two honestly expect us to believe that they've never sat down at a bar exasperated from way too much shit going on in their lives that when the bartender asks them what they'd like to drink, they've felt somewhat surprised and rushed because they forgot to think about what to order because they were thinking too much about all the bullshit that drove them to visit the goddamned bar in the first place.

DIAF you retards , white russians are good enough for lebowski and tequila sunrises are the shjt !

The article doesn't say as to WHY one should be ashamed. Shitty article.

Mimi Killjoy (#16,236)

@Eric Kinsler@facebook I know. If you're going to tell me that a perfectly good drink like a Screwdriver is unacceptable, you'd better be prepared to back that statement up with an explanation. Orange juice is a sweet nectar of the gods and vodka is an even sweeter nectar of the gods. (And I don't mean canned orange juice that tastes like battery acid.) This list was definitely written by pretentious and trendy drinkers.

Why would I care what these two bimbos think is socially acceptable? That is a major problem in our country.. screw you two busy bodies.. go help the homeless or better yet, go help out in a pediatric AIDS ward and do something worth while instead of this trivial bullshit.

SidAndFinancy (#4,328)

@Michael Kimsey@facebook Michael, this is AWFUL, since I am now at the pediatric AIDS ward and — yes, believe me that this is true — they are not serving ANY OF THESE DRINKS! Why do I even bother volunteering?

whizz_dumb (#10,650)

@Michael Kimsey@facebook I bet you wear cargo shorts and sandals with socks.

Is'nt the reason you go to the bar ,is why the bar exist,so that you can order any drink you like,and enjoy what you drink.

Freaking awful. This list was composed by two people who have no experience drinking, either in public or otherwise. It is blind, arbitrary and pretentious in all the ways most common to college freshmen trying to compose their first article for Cracked.

lbf (#2,343)

I think I enjoy reading the spammers more than the latecomer Facebook readers.

Screen Name (#2,416)

Jusy saw thias list yesteardya afternooni and did i order all ALL OF THEM DRINKS IN ORDER AND iot was not embnarrss.! Not embarrsign EVER! hurt her arm on body shot; jenny did. Halol!

innag (#7,189)

Black & Tan?!? I'm offended.

Backslider (#819)

@innag No shit. Fuck these people. They don't know how to drink.

Karen119 (#23,788)

Really? Good thing I was raised to not follow the crowd. I'll order what I please, when I please, no two ways about it. No one tells me what or what not to drink.

LoverOfFood (#23,787)

Seriously? Give me a break. Now, ordering drinks with questionable names – THAT'S embarrassing. Slow Comfortable Screw Up Against A Wall…Sex On The Beach….Orgasm…Blow Job….now those are drinks I wouldn't order in public. But they're not on this list – they have respectable, classic drinks like Martinis on there – come on! Remind me not to attend a cocktail party with these two "knowledgeable" columnists. I'm afraid I'd have to bean them with a Malibu Rum bottle.

I don't get it. Are you trying to eliminate the cliche? Some drink names are so old and well-known because the drink is just GREAT. Please tell the pubs in Great Britain not to serve Black & Tans. . . since no one should be ordering them anyway. Have you ever even tried a black & tan?

Would you heathens keep it down? The scotch drinkers are over here pondering something magnificent…or something.

Order what you want. If you feel the need to change your drink to satisfy someone else's vision of correctness, then obviously you have not had enough to drink.

Leigh Anne Jones (#6,588)

I do so many things I "should be ashamed" to do that there's hardly anything left over.

Nick Douglas (#7,095)

@Choire Sicha Where do I send my article, "You're playing games wrong, stop having fun"?

Didn't I reject that submission last week? :)

Mimi Killjoy (#16,236)

I drink a frozen strawberry daiquiri on your grave.

nathancar7 (#23,954)

yah right

billy16fros (#24,084)

wow very great!

As someone else pointed out, this article is a total waste of space if it doesn't explain WHY there is shame in ordering these drinks. Black & Tan? Seriously?
And as someone with Celiac, a hard cider is a solid gluten-free option to having a beer without having to order hard liquor.

No, it's obvious to me that a couple of ignorant jackasses wrote this list. What a shame. We coulda learned something.

Mr. B (#10,093)

@Christopher Jahn@facebook: Hi and welcome, Mr. 24K! Just, RE your "doesn't explain WHY," let me just point you to one thing.

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